Test Drive (Crossroads Book 3) (18 page)

“I can get you the article if you want.” His mom patted his father’s hand.

“No, I don’t think so, dear. I’d like to hear from Andrew, though.”

Drew. I want to go by Drew.
Why was that so hard to understand? He was Drew. He felt more himself being called Drew. “Yes, Dad. I’m bisexual. I’m attracted to both men and women.”

“Are you dating a man right now?” his mom asked, and Jesus fucking Christ he wanted to say yes. He wanted to tell them he was dating Justin. That he wanted to support Justin when they got together to talk about his dad, and wanted them to know how fucking incredible he was. That he turned his whole world upside down to come here. That he was one of the most unselfish people Drew knew and that he was afraid he didn’t have a place with Shanen and Landon.

But he couldn’t do that, could he? Not without Justin being on the same page. “I just think it’s time you know.” It was the easiest answer he could give. “It’s who I am, and I want my family to know me.”

“Well, personally, I think that’s fantastic,” Shanen said. “Landon is committed to Rod but he identifies as bisexual. And I don’t know if I’ve told you, but Justin is gay.”

I know,
Drew wanted to tell her.
I know because I want to be with him. I want to support him, to be by his side.
Instead of speaking his truth, Drew cleared his throat and replied, “What a coincidence.”

For the first time in minutes, he looked his brother’s way. Jacob watched him, his eyes narrow…penetrating…but they weren’t angry. Questioning, yes, but for the first time in years, Drew didn’t see any anger there, and he didn’t know what that meant.

***

It was strange, the changes that came with stopping chemo. There were the parts that always weighed heavy on Justin’s mind—the fact that the end was coming soon, but there were good parts too. In the following weeks his father regained some of his strength. He was more like the dad he’d grown up with. Not the same, of course, but the difference was sharp. Stopping treatments showed him how hard they had actually been on his body. It was sad how sick people got from the medicines that were supposed to help heal you.

He didn’t vomit daily anymore. He had more energy. His body didn’t seem so fucking worn out. They talked more and laughed more. Sometimes, he could almost let himself forget. He enjoyed their time together. Justin went to Joy’s and saw him daily, not willing to lose anymore moments than he had to.

But his nights? He’d spent a lot of them lately in Drew’s bed. He’d head over after work, or after leaving Joy’s, or the gym. They’d eat food that Justin would tease Drew about, even though he enjoyed Drew’s cooking. It had become their thing to joke about health and packing meals into his fridge that he labeled with different days of the week.

They spent time in the hot tub, and watched movies, and Drew would fuck him senseless. He was a quick study, learning fast what Justin liked. How to drive him crazy with his tongue, fingers, mouth, or dick.

Today was going to be a hard day, though. He knew it ahead of time and he’d been a stubborn SOB and stayed home last night—well, not home, but at the house he used to share with his dad. But now as he got ready to meet his dad’s family for them to go out for a ride, he suddenly wished like hell he was with Drew. Wished like hell that Drew could come with him. That he would have the man by his side.

Maybe he’d known he would feel that way from the start, which was the exact reason he didn’t stay with Drew last night. He shouldn’t depend on Drew so strongly.

“Fucking ridiculous,” Justin mumbled to himself as he stood. He didn’t know what his problem was. There was no reason he needed Drew there with him as he went out with his dad’s family.

He was a grown man, and they didn’t have the same kind of relationship Shanen had with Jacob or Landon with Rod.

Justin finished getting ready and then left. He kept the car quiet as he made his way out to where Landon said to meet. It was out of town, the parking lot of an abandoned building.

The ride was beautiful as he followed quiet, winding roads surrounded by trees.

It was about forty-five minutes into his drive when he saw the worn-down building off to the left. It had a large parking lot, with only a couple motorcycles, cars, and, “Holy shit.” Drew’s truck was in the damn lot. He was fucking there, and suddenly Justin’s chest felt full. Not quite as empty as it had a few moments before, which should probably worry him more than it did.

Justin pulled into the lot, parked, and got out. “I feel like I’m always the last one to arrive,” he said smiling.

“We won’t hold it against you.” Rod winked at him and smiled. He wore dark eyeliner again. He did most of the time, and it fit him. He could see what Landon saw in the other man, not just because he was attractive but because he was a good guy.

“Hey, Dad.” Justin wrapped an arm around his frail parent and pulled him into a hug. His eyes met Drew’s over his dad’s shoulder, and Drew gave him a small shrug and a half-smile. Justin felt that smile bone deep.

What in the hell had he said to get invited? It wasn’t as though Jacob would have asked him, though Drew did say Jacob had been acting a little differently toward him since Drew apparently told his family he was bi.

As soon as he pulled away from his dad, Shanen was there. “It’s good to see you, little brother.” Her words were like a stun gun to the chest. Yes, it was true. He was her younger brother but she’d never called him that before.

“Thank God. It’s nice not to be the baby anymore,” Landon added, and Justin felt an ease that he hadn’t felt in months. He didn’t know where it came from. If it was the fact that sometimes, they could pretend their dad wasn’t sick now, or what. But what he did know was that he liked it.

“The baby is supposed to be the spoiled one. I can handle that,” Justin teased and everyone laughed.

“Justin, you remember Jacob’s brother, Andrew, right?” she asked and damned if it didn’t suddenly feel like the craziest thing in the world that no one knew they were spending time together. At first it had been because he had so much on his mind, and Drew’s rocky relationship with his brother. The fact that Justin wanted something in this town that was his and his alone, but now the alone part didn’t feel so good. He didn’t know how Drew would feel about it, so he held out his hand.

“Good to see you again, Drew,” he said as Drew smiled and they shook.

“I mentioned what we were doing, and Drew wanted to come and hang out to see Dad ride,” Shanen added.

“You’re going to have to force me off that thing once I get on,” his dad said and Justin could see sincere joy on his face. In the light in his eyes and the strength behind his smile. He needed this. Needed it so fucking much and Justin was glad as hell Landon was giving it to him.

“This is where I taught Rod to ride. He only tried to kill himself once,” Landon teased and Rod rolled his eyes.

“Don’t blame the student, blame the teacher. Isn’t that the motto nowadays?” Rod asked and again, there was a round of group laughter.

It felt…good. This moment, with these people felt really fucking good. It made him realize how much he hoped it could last, that he would still have family here when his father was gone.

“Okay, let’s do this,” Landon said once silence washed over them again. Justin watched as Landon took one of the helmets that sat on his bike. He turned toward their father in the wheelchair. He lifted his chin so Landon could strap the half-helmet on him and damned if Justin didn’t see Landon’s hand shaking. He felt the same tremble in his own. He shook it out, tried to get ahold of himself. When he looked up again, his eyes met Drew’s, who held on to him with such unwavering support that Justin could feel it despite the distance between them.

“Looking good, Dad,” Landon told their father before strapping on his own helmet. He held his hand out to their dad, but he shook his head.

“I got it. I need to do some of this by myself.” He still wore his oxygen, something he would have to do until the end. When he shakily stood, he put the backpack on that carried the tank. Landon stayed close to him as they slowly made their way to the bike.

Landon got on first and started the bike. Their dad got on behind him. “Hold on tight,” Landon told him, so much fucking pain and sincerity in his voice that it damn near stole Justin’s breath.

This was part of their goodbye and it was beautiful. He was honored that he got to see it.

When Justin glanced at Drew again, the other man was still watching him. Everyone else had their eyes on Landon and his dad. Drew was the only one looking at Justin.

“You ready for this?” Landon asked.

“I am. Thank you.”

And they began to ride. He made trips up and down the large lot—fast, slow, driving straight lines, and swerving around for fun.

It was as though all the weight in the world was suddenly on Justin’s chest, living inside of it, swelling until it crushed every single piece of him.

He was watching his brother with his father. Watching them bond, and knowing how fucking much they needed this. Feeling like shit because he wanted to be a part of it too. Wanted to connect with them over something they both loved so much.

Everyone was silent. Everyone watched them. Justin looked down, his fucking eyes stinging. He wiped them quickly, determined not to let a tear fall. Joy and Shanen were crying—smiling and crying as they watched Landon and his dad on what would be his last ride. What was likely the first time the two of them had been on a bike together since Landon was a child.

Justin couldn’t make himself look at Drew. He felt his friend’s eyes on him. Felt the support and…Christ, the fucking strength he somehow managed to give Justin just by being here.

It was a few minutes later when Landon steered the bike back toward their group.

They hardly had the time to come to a stop before Drew spoke, “If Larry is up to it, I think you should take one more ride. Maybe Justin could take Rod’s bike out, and the three of you could ride together.”

The statement was like a stun gun to his heart—a shock that made it beat again when Justin hadn’t realized it stopped. Maybe it had been dormant for months but now it was there again, beating life in his chest, because of what Drew just suggested.

“I think that’s the best idea I’ve heard all day,” his father replied and Justin let out a deep, relived breath that his dad wanted him to be a part of this.

He looked at Landon, who nodded, because it was important to him that Landon felt okay with it. This was their moment. He didn’t want to take it away from them.

His eyes found Rod’s next. Some people didn’t want others to ride their bike, but Rod just winked at him and grinned, like he knew a secret that Justin didn’t know.

In that moment, everything else melted away. The weight in his chest got lighter until it weighed nothing. Justin hadn’t realized it until Drew made the suggestion, but he needed this.

He thought maybe all three of them did.

And it was Drew who had known to give it to him.

“Thank you,” Justin told Rod when the other man handed over his helmet.

“That’s what family is for.”

Rod’s words hit him straight in the chest. Almost stole his breath. No, it wasn’t Landon or Shanen, but hearing Rod say he was family meant the world to him.

“It is.” He nodded at Rod before strapping the helmet on. It had been a while since he’d ridden a bike. He knew how. His father had definitely made sure of that, and Justin did have a motorcycle license too. He wasn’t sure why he’d always kept it up, even though he wasn’t as avid a rider like his dad, but he was glad he had.

He threw his leg over Rod’s bike. Felt the rumble of the engine when he started it.

“Do you want to ride with me?” he asked Shanen, but she shook her head. She had a sad smile on her face that looked so much like a feminine version of their dad.

“No. This is just for you boys,” she replied.

He looked over at Landon, who gave him a smile and nodded. Without words, they were on the same wavelength. Maybe that was something most brothers shared. He didn’t know but he felt damned proud to feel it in this moment.

They both drove toward the street. They stopped at the edge of the parking lot. It wasn’t until their dad gave a silent, “Let’s do this,” that the men pulled from the parking lot and onto the road.

The wind blew, making the orange, green, and brown leaves fall like rain on them. The leaves danced across the twists and turns in the road. They didn’t ride fast, but they didn’t need to. That’s not what this was about. Justin and Landon were side-by-side—two brothers taking a last ride with their dad.

Amazingly, no cars passed them going the opposite direction. None pulled up behind them. In this moment, it was as though the world belonged to the three of them. He wondered if it would have been like this if their father had stayed in touch with all of his kids. If he would have grown up riding with his dad and his brother. What kind of relationship would they all have had?

And as much as the not knowing hurt, as much as he wanted to be angry at his dad, he managed to keep it locked inside him, hopefully for good this time. They couldn’t change the past. They only had the present, and Justin wanted nothing more than to live in this moment.

There were no guarantees in life.

They rode for what was probably too long. Landon eventually pulled over for a small break, and to swap places.

“Thank you,” Justin told him.

“He’s a father to both of us. We should both get this,” Landon replied, and then they were going again. Justin felt his father’s tight grip. He hadn’t been hugged by his dad with this much strength since he was a kid. He hadn’t thought his father had it in him anymore, but he did, and Justin would remember this moment for as long as he lived.

When they made it back to the parking lot, he wanted nothing more than to go to Drew. To hold him. To thank him. To have the support he needed so fucking much.

“Thank you. Thank you both. That was the best ride of my life,” their dad said.