Tequila Mockingbird (3 page)

T
EARING
:
The easiest way to include mint in a cocktail. Simply wash, remove stems, and take out your frustration one rip at a time.

T
WISTS
:
Delicately flavors a drink and adds a little citrus pizzazz. The official method involves a
channel knife
, which peels a long, thin gouge out of a lemon. Our easier, preferred method is to wash a lemon and then use a
vegetable peeler
to remove a 2-inch strip of skin. Fold in half, twist over drink, wipe the rim of the glass with the twist, and then drop into the glass.

W
EDGES
:
The most widely seen lemon or lime garnish. Wash, dry, and cut the ends off the whole fruit. Then chop the fruit in half “the short way” and quarter the remaining halves. Wedges can either be squeezed and dropped into the drink, or balanced on the rim after cutting a notch into the fruit.

W
HEELS
:
Circular discs of fruits or vegetables. Wash, dry, and cut the ends off the whole fruit, then slice crosswise into “wheels.” Can be placed in the drink, or balanced on the rim after cutting a notch into the fruit.

G
IN
:
Distilled from grain and, though flavored with everything from juniper to cinnamon, smells a bit like rubbing alcohol—but in a fun way. Favored by Fitzgerald.

R
UM
:
Hemingway's main hooch is the best sugar-water money can buy. The lightest kinds are the youngest; the darkest can be older than seven years.

T
EQUILA
:
Comes from the blue agave plant, not the cactus. The word “tequila” itself refers to a very specific region in Mexico, and the authentic stuff doesn't harbor any wayward worms. Kerouac adored it.

V
ODKA
:
Odorless and clear, vodka is typically distilled from potatoes and grains. Russians drink it straight, but Americans mix it up—William S. Burroughs in particular.

W
HISKEY
:
Distilled from grains and hailing from America, Canada, Ireland, or Scotland. Dorothy Parker's prized drink is serious stuff by its lonesome, but it plays nice with others. We feature both rye whiskey and bourbon, which is any good Southerner's definition of whiskey.

Strong, syrupy spirits that are flavored any number of ways, from fruits to flowers; also includes schnapps. The following liqueurs make appearances throughout:
absinthe
and
ouzo
(licorice-like flavor),
amaretto
(almond/apricot flavor),
anise
(brands like Galliano and Herbsaint),
blackberry, butterscotch, cinnamon
(a brand like Goldschläger),
coffee
(a brand like Kahlúa),
crème de cassis
(blackcurrant flavor),
crème de menthe
(mint flavor),
elderflower
(a brand like St-Germain),
gin
(a brand like Pimm's),
hazelnut
(a brand like Frangelico),
limoncello
(lemon flavor)
melon, orange
(generics like triple sec and Curaçao; a brand like Grand Marnier),
peach schnapps
, and
sour apple schnapps.

A malt brew and a hoppy flavor. Recipes in this book focus on lagers, specifically light beer and—good luck here—malt liquor.

Fermented juice from myriad fruits and grapes. In subcategories, we feature:
brandy
, generally a distillation of wine or fruit juice;
sweet vermouth
, a fortified wine flavored with herbs;
sherry
, a brightly sweet fortified wine hailing from Spain; and
Champagne
, a sparkling white wine from a specific French region.

A
GAVE NECTAR
:
A widely available sweetener, it goes down like honey with an exotic accent.

B
ITTERS
:
The cologne of cocktails, added in small amounts to give a drink depth and nuance.
Angostura
and
Peychaud's
are the two aromatic bitters featured in this book. The latter is a slightly sweeter, fruitier version of the former, and both are strong and majestic. We also use
orange bitters
, any brand of which will showcase a bright citrus flavor.

C
OARSE AND SEA SALT
:
The rough, grainy seasoning favored by foodies.

C
OCONUT CREAM
:
A bottled, sweetened coconut product (a brand like Coco Reál Cream of Coconut) for tropical drinks.

G
RENADINE
:
A sweet red syrup that's a snap to make, and loads better than the corporate high-fructose junk sold to bars.

H
OT SAUCE
:
Available in any number of brands, all featuring a peppery kick.

O
RGEAT
:
A sweet syrup made from almonds, sugar, and orange.

W
ASABI PASTE
:
A Japanese condiment—you've seen it next to sushi—that goes down hotter than
Lady Chatterley's Lover.

W
ORCESTERSHIRE SAUCE
:
Contains everything from anchovies to molasses, and adds a steak-sauce slurp to certain cocktails.

T
HIRSTY YET?
T
HESE DRINKS AREN'T GOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES.

Every night is ladies' night in this section, but it ain't all chick lit—not that there's anything wrong with that. Yesteryear's heroines may have been buttoned up to their Victorian eyeballs, but we're rolling up our sleeves for a group of drinks as tart and tasty as the trailblazing leading ladies who inspired them. Featuring English feminists, demonic teens, and wicked nurses, the following recipes are worth a sinful sip. Books down and bottoms up!

K
esey's groundbreaking novel, written while he was a student at Stanford, was drawn from his stint as a psych ward employee—when he wasn't volunteering in LSD “trials” on the side. (The late fifties weren't all
Leave It to Beaver
, gang.) Though narrated by a paranoid side-character, the hero of the story is McMurphy (Jack Nicholson in the firecracker film version), who leads his fellow mental patients in a rebellion against Nurse Ratched, a needle-wielding vixen who represents the tyranny of society—and seriously raises the question “Who's the
real
crazy here?” Liberate your own hemmed-in ways with a Cosmo you'd be cuckoo to pass on.

1½ ounces vodka

1 ounce cranberry juice

½ ounce triple sec

½ ounce lime juice

Combine the ingredients with ice in a shaker. Shake well and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Code blue: it's hard to stop at just one of these—especially if all the other voices in your head are parched, too.

T
alk about a tough winter: Edith Wharton packed this one full of snowstorms, adultery, and—anyone for sledding?—a full-on suicide mission, headfirst into a tree. We reckon that if tragic hero Ethan, tragic zero Zeena, and merry mistress Mattie had been alive during the self-help era, they could've worked out that love triangle in an old-fashioned, nationally televised quarrel. But don't call us prudes—if they'd had a lick (or two) of our snowscape-inspired
Ethan Pom
slushy, who knows? They might have giggled their way into literature's first thrupple.

3 ounces Champagne

3 ounces grenadine syrup (
page 11
)

Pour the Champagne into a rocks glass and then pack with shaved or crushed ice. Drizzle the syrup on top. Now, go for a stroll through town with your most cherished partner-in-crime. (Just don't let your boyfriend find out.)

A
usten's frothy nineteenth-century masterpiece, which brought the author little acclaim during her short lifetime (“Forty-one is the new dead,” sadly), follows a family's efforts to marry off its five daughters, one of whom leads the narrative. Unfortunately, Elizabeth—famously played onscreen by Keira Knightley's cheekbones—has a judgy streak that practically overshadows the love she has for Mr. Darcy, a stuck-up (but rich!) gentleman. Not to worry: there's a delectable double wedding in the end. We match-make two strong personalities—spicy rye and zingy grapefruit—for an unexpected marriage that'll get folks drinking, dancing, and dropping old judgments.

3 ounces grapefruit juice

1½ ounces rye whiskey

Pour the ingredients over ice in a rocks glass, stirring like a complicated heart. We hold no prejudice against marrying up, ladies, but you don't need a castle (or a king) to be a queen.

N
ever settle . . . even for a doctor . . . with a hot accent. Otherwise, you could go a half-century till you find the real thing. In Márquez's version of romance, the zipper-straining desire of a trio of lovebirds is practically an illness, eating his characters from the inside out. Here, two teenagers fall in lust, but the girl chooses an MD to settle down with, leaving the boy to choose anything with two legs to settle the score. True adoration knows no calendar, and “fifty-one years, nine months and four days” later (but who's counting?), the two are reunited again after Husband the First dies. Adored as a Colombian treasure, this book deserves a nod that's as sweet as love and as spicy as lust.