Tequila Mockingbird (2 page)

An English major walks into a bar . . .

Gentle Drinker:

Congrats. You fought through
War and Peace
, burned through
Fahrenheit 451
, and sailed through
Moby-Dick
. All right, all right, you nearly drowned in
Moby-Dick
, but you made it to shore—and you deserve a drink! Hang tight, undergrad. A beer's not going to cut it. Not this time.

To pay proper homage to the world's greatest stories and storytellers, we've carefully crafted a library's worth of literature-inspired cocktails. Scholarly sips for word nerds, if you will—and the people who love them. From barflies to book clubs, welcome to
Tequila Mockingbird: Cocktails with a Literary Twist
. Go ahead and pull up a stool. Or a recliner, for that matter.

Don't worry if you snoozed your way through Comp Lit. Think of this recipe guide as SparkNotes with a liquor license, trading out pop quizzes for popped corks. For you serious drink-slingers out there, we're serving up your favorite recipes with a smart new twist. You've gotta have something to talk about behind the bar—why not raise the level of banter by brushing up on your Brontë?

There are beverages here to suit all tastes. Ladies, get ready to celebrate history's feistiest heroines in Drinks for Dames, a handful of recipes that take sugar and spice to a whole new level. From
Are You There God? It's Me, Margarita
to
A Rum of One's Own
to
Bridget Jones's Daiquiri
, we've got every reading level covered.

Gents, your brawny books go down easier with a halftime chug. In Gulps for Guys, literature's most savory stories get stirred into over two dozen recipes. From
The Last of the Mojitos
to
The Old Man and the Seagram's
and
Orange Julius Caesar
—with characters this vivid, you'll never drink alone again.

Book clubs, shake up your next gathering with party punches like
The Joy Luck Club Soda
and
The Pitcher of Dorian Grey Goose
. No problem if you haven't even read this month's selection—everyone's bound to be fall-down drunk, anyway. Just leave your keys by the door.

And fret not, recovering readers! We've got nonalcoholic drinks for you, too (
The Wonderful Blizzard of Oz
, anyone?) that recall gentler, less wobbly times. No shame in sitting back while the freshmen make fools of themselves.

If your buzz is on but your belly's empty, we've cooked up
The Deviled Egg Wears Prada
,
Prawn Quixote
, and a handful of other Bar Bites for Book Hounds. And should you find yourself surrounded by a group of hesitant readers—or card-carrying library-goers—try our drinking games. You'll be reading your friends under the table . . . you know, if they're brave enough to take a shot every time Dickens introduces a new character.

Relax. We won't get
too
stuffy. After all, the only things needed to enjoy a good book are a lamp and a place to sit. An effective cocktail should be just as easy. For those who don't know their Bloody Mary from their Mary Shelley, flip the page for a quick refresher on the tools, techniques, and terms used throughout this book. Trust us: if you've got a Solo cup and a corner store, you can make 90 percent of these recipes 100 percent of the time.

So grab a glass, already. Let's get a little stupid and look a little smart. Even if you
don't
have a BA in English, tonight you're gonna drink like you do.

C
OCKTAIL
(
OR MARTINI
)
GLASS
(4
TO
6
OUNCES
): Drinks are shaken and strained into this long-stemmed, iconic
v
-shaped beauty.

C
OLLINS GLASS
(10
TO
14
OUNCES
): Built like a highball glass, but taller and narrower. Best for icy, very large tropical drinks. Also best for getting drunk.

F
LUTE
(4
TO
6
OUNCES
): Champagne cocktails are served in this specially designed stemware, which showcases the bubbles without letting too many of them fly free.

H
IGHBALL GLASS
(10
TO
12
OUNCES
): Midway between a rocks and a Collins glass, but taller than the former and shorter and fatter than the latter. If you could only have one book on a desert island, you'd choose wisely; if you could only have one glass, you'd choose this.

M
ASON JAR
(1
CUP TO ½ GALLON
): Though generally used for bottling preserves, this also makes a great container for down-home, country drinks.

M
UG
(10
TO
12
OUNCES
): The hardworking coffee cup does double duty for hot alcoholic drinks.

P
INT GLASS
(16
TO
20
OUNCES
): An all-purpose beer-chugger, this glass tapers at the bottom, and some have a “bulb” near the lip for a better grip.

R
OCKS
(
OR LOWBALL OR OLD-FASHIONED
)
GLASS
(6
TO
10
OUNCES
): A drink poured “on the rocks”—that's over ice, rookie—is frequently served in one of these short, heavy tumblers.

S
HOT GLASS
(
¾ TO
2
OUNCES
): For
slamming back
calmly enjoying a variety of aptly named “shots.” The smallest of drinking vessels, these are also handy as measuring devices.

S
OLO CUP
(16
OUNCES
): A plastic red cup that is a typical dorm room and party staple. In a pinch, used for basically every drink ever.

B
LENDER
: For frosty, feel-good frozen beverages. Make sure yours can handle ice like a champ.

J
UICER
: The classy crowd prefers their lemons and limes (and pomegranates, thank you very much) freshly juiced, whether by hand or by machine—but we won't balk if you go the bottled route. On average, lemons and limes produce about an ounce of juice each.

M
EASURING CUPS AND SPOONS
: Duh, right? Dry cups typically range from ¼ cup to 1 cup. For larger liquid measurements, it's easiest to have a standard 2-cup glass. Measuring spoons go from ¼ teaspoon to 1 tablespoon.

P
ITCHER AND PUNCH BOWL
: Best for serving all the nonfiction characters in your life. Half-gallon pitchers always do the trick; same with a gallon punch bowl.

S
HAKER
: An essential device that need not intimidate! Our fave is the
Cobbler
: a three-part metal contraption (counting the capped lid) with the strainer built right in. The other varieties are the
Boston
(a glass mixing cup and metal container) and
French
(basically a
Cobbler
shaker sans strainer). Both require a separate strainer, and that's valuable time you could be reading—or drinking.

S
TRAINER
: Like a sifter for liquids. If you ignored our advice to buy the all-in-one
Cobbler
shaker, you'll want to pick up a
Hawthorne
strainer, which will fit tight into your shaker's metal mouth. The
Hawthorne
filters only the liquids (not the ice) into a cocktail.

J
IGGER
: For small liquid measurements. A metal hourglass shape, available in a variety of sizes. We prefer the 1-ounce-over-1½-ounce model—but you should up the dosage if you're trying to get through
Anna Karenina
. And just drink straight from the bottle if you're attempting
Walden
.

M
UDDLER
: Grown-up term for fruit masher. Releases oils and flavors in mints and berries.

V
EGETABLE PEELER
(
OR CHANNEL KNIFE
): A handy shortcut for creating twists (see: Garnishes,
page 8
), the peeler removes a thin layer of skin from fruit to add flavor and color.

F
ILLING
:
In some recipes, you're asked to “fill” your glass to the top with a final ingredient—typically Champagne, club soda, or cream. The amount of liquid needed depends on how large your glass is: from 2 to 4 ounces for a flute, to anywhere from 4 to 8 ounces for rocks, highball, or Collins glasses.

F
LOATING
:
To create pretty layers in the drink, “float” one liquid on top of the other. The easiest method is to invert a spoon and slowly pour liquor/liqueur over the back of the head, letting the liquid pool without breaking the cocktail's surface—sort of like trying not to cry during
Of Mice and Men
.

I
CING PUNCHES
:
For parties, blocks of ice are a cinch. Simply fill a clean, empty milk carton with water, freeze overnight, and peel away the waxy paper.

M
UDDLING
:
In some recipes, once you've filled a glass with the specified fruits, juices, or herbs, use a
muddler
(
page 6
) to gently mash the ingredients, twisting lightly to release oils and flavors.

R
IMMING
:
Rub the lip of the desired glass with a lemon or lime wedge, then “rim” the glass (hey, now!) by turning it upside down and placing the rim on a plate of salt, cocoa powder, sugar, or whatever the recipe calls for. Then gently rotate the glass so the rim gets coated in the desired ingredient.

S
HAKING
:
Fill a
Cobbler
tin with all of the ingredients and ice, cap shut, and shake vigorously—harder than you think, bordering on “workout.” Uncap the lid and strain into a glass.

S
TIRRING
:
Experts use a bar spoon, which has a long, twisting handle, but an everyday cereal spoon will do just fine. For cocktails with carbonation, the bubbles do the stirring for you.

G
ARNISHES
:
Like a truly memorable book cover (remember the puppeteer's hand on
The Godfather
?), garnishes are the promise of something special to come. Technically,
garnish
adds both color and flavor (like a lime wedge or lemon twist),
garbage
is any food or fruit that's solely for aesthetic purposes (like a lemon wheel), and
kitsch
is something hokey (like an umbrella, or the entire plot of
Valley of the Dolls
).