Authors: Justine Larbalestier
I
'm not stupid. I knew telling Cathy she was about to make the biggest mistake of her life, reciting all the statistics about her odds of becoming a zombie instead of a vampire, or of flat-out dying, were not going to be heard with receptive ears. I knew that at this heady moment, with Cathy floating in bubbles of joy, my puncturing them with capital-R Reality would not go well.
And yet what were the first words out of my mouth?
“Are you INSANE?” I screamed. “HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND?”
The busy coffee shop was suddenly a lot less busy. Everyone turned to stare. Literally everyone. Even the fat baby in the stroller stopped sucking on its own fists and stared.
I hadn't meant to scream.
Cathy was also staring. Her big eyes had gotten even bigger. She looked stunned, as if she couldn't believe I wasn't overcome with delirious happiness for her. But when had I ever given Cathy any indication that I thought her ending her life at the age of seventeen was a super-fantastic idea?
“You could die,” I said as calmly as I could manage. Which was not very. Everyone was still staring. “If you don't die, you'll wind up a drooling zombie. If you don't become a drooling zombieâ”
“It's illegal,” Anna said, cutting through me. “You're underage.”
Cathy looked as if she was relieved to have someone making a reasonable point. I didn't feel like it was very reasonable to be reasonable right now.
“I'll get my mother's permission,” Cathy answered quietly. “We're going to do the whole thing legally. Of course.”
“I think it's romantic,” Ty said.
I punched him hard in the shoulder. So hard I saw him draw back automatically to return the blow.
The look on my face must have stopped him. He rubbed his shoulder instead.
“What?”
I glared at him. Looking at Cathy hurt too much.
“It's not romantic. It's the end of her life! She's giving up everything and she'll probably die. This is the worst mistake of your entire life, Cathy. This is the end of everything. You can't do this! You can't!”
Another voice broke in at the end of my tirade. A stranger's voice.
“Excuse me,” a good-looking guy in black with too much eyeliner on said, coming up to Cathy. “You have a sponsor? You're going to cross over? I wanted to wish you good luck. I know not everyone understands.”
He shot me a look. I opened my mouth to set the rude vamposeur straight, tell him that I understood perfectly well what Cathy was doing.
Anna grabbed my arm. I hadn't even realized I'd clenched my fists again. Or maybe I hadn't unclenched them. Anna was right; there was no point arguing with a vamposeur.
“Wow. You're so lucky. So blessed. I can't tell you how jealous I am. Can I hug you? Maybe the luck will rub off on me.”
He hugged her. Cathy let him, still looking stunned.
“That's insane,” said an older man at the next table over, lowering his newspaper. He was at least forty. Probably the oldest guy in the room. “Vampires are death. You should listen to your friend. A friend of mine did what you want to do. My best friend. Know where Leif is now? Dead. Leif didn't make it, did he? Dead at nineteen. Very glamorous. Do you think his vampire lover gave it a second's thought? Nope. But here's me twenty years later still thinking about my best friend, who died way too young, because he fell for a lie!”
“It's not a lie,” the vamposeur said, releasing Cathy and wheeling on the man. “It's a risk. And the reward is worth it. It's an unbelievable opportunity, the kind most people can only dream of, to live forever, to see everything the world is going to become.”
“To become a monster?” the man asked quietly.
“Hey!” snapped Ty. “My aunt's a vampire.”
“Yeah, cut it out, you bigot,” called a woman from another table, looking up from her laptop.
“How old are you?” asked the mother with the baby in her stroller. She stared at Cathy, then at her baby, and back again.
Before too long the entire coffee shop was giving us their nickel's worth of advice.
Anna, who hated scenes even more than Cathy did, started packing up. She nodded at me and Ty to do likewise and then grabbed Cathy, who was crying again, and hauled her out of there.
“We'll walk you home,” Anna said as she steered Cathy past various people who wanted to touch her for luck or warn her that her very soul was in peril.
Outside Ty rubbed his shoulder again, looking at me pointedly. I was shaking, I was so angry and upset. How could she even be contemplating turning into a vampire? Let alone already have said yes.
“Thank you, Ty,” Cathy said, as her tears continued to flow. “It means a lot to have your support.”
“No problem,” Ty said.
I was about to point out that it was, in fact, a huge problem, when Anna grabbed my hand and squeezed warningly.
“None of us wants to say anything we'll regret.” Anna glanced back at the coffee shop, where dozens of people were staring out the windows at us. “Let's keep walking.”
We headed north in the general direction of home. I couldn't help thinking of how close to the Shade we were. Cathy was probably thinking about that too.
“Cathy,” Anna said. “All three of us love you and care about you. Do you think you could at least listen to our calm and rational comments about this?”
“Mel's not being calm or rational.”
Anna squeezed my hand even harder. I remained silent even though I was on the verge of an explosion. “She will be. You get that she cares and worries about you?”
Cathy nodded.
“We want you to consider this decision. It seems like you're rushing things.”
“I agree,” Ty said. “I do think it's romantic. Honestly, Cathy,” he added when she shot him an
Et tu
,
Brute?
look. “I think you two are great together. But it's a big deal.”
“Very big,” Anna said. “And it seems like you haven't considered how huge a decision this. It's not like picking which college to go to. It's not even like deciding to get married or having a baby. This is the biggest decision you'll ever make. And the most dangerous.”
“I love him.”
Anna's voice remained level. I didn't know how she was doing it. “We know you do. Can you tell us what you discussed once you said yes? Did Francis make it clear that he would turn you legally? That you'd apply for a license?”
“Of course! I already said we're doing it legally. Francis is even willing to wait until I turn eighteen.”
“Big of him,” I muttered, so low none of them heard.
Or at least, they all pretended not to hear. Anna continued with her quiet, reasonable line of questioning as I stood there watching them all and wanting to punch something.
“You discussed licenses?”
“Yes. I said I'd ask Mom for permission to change before my eighteenth birthday. Francis might be happy to wait, but I've decided. I'm going to have a new life. I don't want to waste any more time on the one I'm leaving. I want to go ahead as soon as we get a license.”
Cathy's voice was very earnest. As if I believed for a second that any of this was her idea.
“Your mom will never agree.”
Anna gave me a quelling glance. “You do know they give out very few licenses,” she said. “And that applying when you're underage, even with parental permission, is not going to help your chances.”
“Francis told me. But if Mom says no, or if the council turns us down, I can always try again after I'm eighteen. I think it's worth trying now. It can take a long time to get approval. I'd like to be the same age as he is, and once they see our application and how much in love we areâ”
Anna nodded thoughtfully, as if Cathy was doing well in a debate. I couldn't believe how cool she was beingâshe who'd been terrorized by a vampire, she who'd told me our whole city was a mistake. It was like she'd already given up on Cathy.
“Did you talk about the possibility of the process not working?”
Cathy nodded. “Francis says that the percentage of unsuccessful transformations is very low when it's legal and properly supervised. He says the majority of deaths and zombies happen when it's unauthorized and the vampire in question doesn't know what they're doing.”
If Anna hadn't been clamping down on my hand, I would have expressed myself on the subject of what total crap that was. Sometimes it didn't work. Everybody knew that.
“I have a friend I want you to meet, Cathy. A friend of my”âAnna hesitatedâ“of my dad's, who knows a lot more about this than any of us. She's seen lots of transformations. She works in zombie control. Would you talk to her?”
Cathy nodded. “Francis said I should make myself prepared. It's a condition of getting a license.”
“I have to go,” I said. It was that or start screaming and punching Ty again. I couldn't stand hearing Cathy say the words
Francis says
one more time. Because what Francis had said was “End your life.”
That's what she was listening to.
I
didn't sleep that night. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat dinner. I couldn't talk to anyone, not Mom or Dad or even Kristin, because what if I tried and they talked like Ty had, or like that vamposeur at Kafeen Krank? What if they said it was an honor, a privilege, and a blessing for Cathy to get all her blood sucked out and to never laugh again?
She'd never laugh again if she became a vampire. And she'd never laugh, or smile, or speak if the transition didn't work.
If she died.
I didn't know why Ty and Cathy weren't thinking of that. I couldn't think about anything else.
I had to fix this. I had to change her mind, but I was so far from understanding what she wanted that I had no idea how to build an argument. It was as if she were saying: “Apples are blue!”
No, they're not. Sky is blue. Apples are red. (Or green, but
not
blue!)
Instead she was saying: “Risking my life to become a vampire is a cool idea!”
No, it's not, and what kind of person would agree with you that it was?
Apparently, Ty did. And lots of random people in coffee shops.
Cathy's mom would never, ever give her permission. No parent could do such a thing, could sign off on something that might kill her kid. Cathy would be eighteen in eight months. I had eight months to change her mind.
It didn't seem like a lot of time.
Failing wasn't an option. I had to convince Cathy not to throw her life away. I had to find some way. And I had to find some allies.
The next day at school there was that feeling you get after a fight: a sort of tentative hush in the air in the aftermath of a lot of noise, like the world feels after a thunderstorm.
Ty and Anna both said an awkward “hey” out of the corners of their mouths when they saw me. I looked at the floor and muttered “hey” back.
When Cathy approached me, her shoes squeaking on the green linoleum, I couldn't even manage a “hey.” I was just glad to see that she wasn't accompanied by Francis. I wasn't ready to look at the guy who wanted to murder my best friend.
“Hi,” Cathy said, in a low voice.
“Hmm,” I said, and the bell rang.
I escaped to class without another word. I'm not proud.
Of course I was merely putting off the inevitable, which on this occasion was lunch and the lunchroom and Cathy sidling over to me.
“Could we try that one again?” she asked. “Hi. And I'm sorry.”
Sorry she'd made such an insane decision, and ready to take it back? Sorry that Francis had drugged her food last night and persuaded her to agree to the craziness? Sorry I'd had to see her like that, and could I repeat all of last night's crazy talk, because she remembered nothing?
“Sorry?” I repeated.
“It's not exactly a secret you're not Francis's biggest fan,” Cathy said. “I know how you feel about vampires, too. And how Anna feels.”
“That's not fair. Iâ”
Cathy plunged ahead before I could finish. “I can't believe I told you like that. I should have known you'd be shocked. I was just so happy, and I guess it rendered me entirely incapable of thought.”
“When will you be capable of thought again?” I asked.
Cathy chose to ignore this perfectly reasonable question. “I know this is an important decision, and I know it came as a shock to you. I know you're scared for me. I know this seems sudden. I never dreamed this would happen to me, but as soon as Francis said it ⦠it was a revelation. I want it more than anything. You're my best friend in the entire world, so I want you to understand.”
I clenched my fists instead of grabbing Cathy and shaking her the way I wanted to.
“You're my best friend too,” I said. “That's why I can't let you commit suicide.”
“That's not what becoming a vampire is!” Cathy said. “Look, Mel. Can you admit that you might be a tiny bit biased against vampires? Don't you feel that you might have judged them a little quickly? What if I asked you to learn more about them?”
“We could read a book about them together if you wanted,” I said, with visions of highlighting all the bits that said POTENTIALLY FATAL.
Cathy smiled. “You know how I love books. But I was thinking about a more hands-on experience.”
“You want me to put my hands on Francis?” I made a face. “Isn't that kind of a best friend no-no, Cath?”
“No, not Francis,” Cathy said patiently. “I was thinking we could go on a double date.”
This was such a new side of Cathy. A side full of total craziness.
“Errr,” I said. “I don't want to go on a date with a vampire!”
It's not about being prejudiced. Loads of girls won't date a guy shorter than they are. Or won't date a guy with red hair.
I won't date a guy with no pulse.
Anyway, guys who don't laugh at my jokes are out. So guys who
can't
laugh at my jokes might as well be in outer space.
“You don't have to,” said Cathy. “Not a vampire.” She hesitated. “I thought you and Francis's ward seemed to get on rather well.”
“Francis's what now? You mean Kit?” I almost yelped.
Cathy didn't even know Kit's real name or how he'd gotten it. She didn't know that if things went the way she wanted them to, people would leave unwanted babies on her doorstep so she could
eat
them.
“You laughed at each other's jokes,” Cathy said delicately.
“He was funny,” I admitted grudgingly. “He was just ⦔
“Weird,” I almost said, which Kit definitely was. He was part of the strange world of the Shade. The world that Cathy wanted in on. He was someone I didn't understand and I wasn't sure I wanted to.
He had been funny, though, and there were a few things we agreed on.
He'd said something about not wanting to
encourage this madness
to Camille.
He'd made fun of Francis's stupid ballad. He'd mentioned Cathy's age.
He'd made it pretty clear that he wouldn't want the immortal love tale of Francis and Cathy going on in his house.
I needed an ally.
“Hot,” I said. “He was hot! Definitely not weird.”
“Oh,” said Cathy, looking startled but pleased.
“And,” I continuedâit was evil, but I could not resistâ“I was thinking of going to the beach this Saturday, anyway. It's been so warm and it won't be for much longer.”
“Oh,” said Cathy.
She looked a lot less pleased.