Taxi to Paris (34 page)

I wanted to stand up, but she held me down. "Tell me, are you completely out of your mind?" This wasn't the same calm tone of voice I'd heard before. "If you don't stop that nonsense right now, I'll really throw you out." She thought about it for a moment. "Oh, no, that's what you want. So I'll keep you here." Her words were full of energy. She took me wholly by surprise.

"But -" I stammered, still entirely confused.

"But what?" She slid off the sofa and lay suddenly on top of me. She looked down at me from above like a tiger with its prey. "What do you think, how many people have I told what I just told you?"

I tried to think about it. It was difficult. I knew so little about her relationships. "Well, Maria for instance, and -".

She interrupted me angrily. "Not even Maria. Don't even consider ‘and'. You're the only one. And why do you think that is?"

I couldn't imagine why, not by my best effort. I fell silent.

"I ought to thrash you," she whispered. Then she spoke again at a normal volume. "And that's not because of my occupation and not because of my past. That's just a normal reaction, as obtuse as you're being."

I didn't think so at all, but if she did... She was heavier, she was stronger, and she was on top of me. It didn't seem like an opportune time to argue with her.

"Mother of heaven!" She groaned loudly. "You want to hear those three words. You've fixated yourself on them so much that you won't take anything else seriously. Dammit already!" She swore. That was something new. "Don't you understand? I just confessed everything to you that there is to confess." She shot me an icy look. "Something I can't say about you, by the way. And your only reaction is that I'm not good enough for you? I ought to have a thing or two to say about that, don't you think?"

"Yes. No." I didn't know what to say.

She looked lovingly down at me again. "So remember this: the time where I let myself be controlled by my shame and guilt is over. And you're not exactly free of responsibility for that." I couldn't really argue with that. "My self-esteem has recovered somewhat. And a certain person has definitely had something to do with that. Right?" She stared wildly into my face, but the tenderness glowing in her eyes took away any hint of danger. I nodded to the degree that I could, given that I was pinned to the floor. "And why do you want to leave now?"  She propped herself up with her arms and increased the space between us so that I could breath a little better.

I had to answer her, I knew that, but I didn't know how. And I told her that as well. "I don't know." Softly, I added a few seconds later, "I feel so small."

"Aha!" She let herself roll off and lay next to me. She talked to the ceiling. "How about if we talk about that sensibly? What works in one place might work in another. Did you ever think of that?"

To be honest, I hadn't. And that didn't make me any bigger. Sooner the opposite. Everything I'd demanded of her, I hadn't even thought to question in myself. Big adjustment!

She propped herself up on one elbow and watched me curiously. "What kind of woman are you, really? Have you ever let me look inside like I let you?"

She pushed me into embarrassed confusion.

"Or is that not compatible with the sublime ethos of the knight in shining armor?"

She was so right! But what I most wanted to do was flee. She noticed that immediately.

"I won't really hold you against your will, you know that." She laughed softly. I felt horribly transparent. "And you won't really go." Now she looked earnestly into my face again. "So, why don't we discuss what we really want to do?"

Yes, why not? I was sour. "How am I supposed to know that? You want your profession..."

"Here goes the broken record," she sighed. "I should've known it."  But this time, she was less angry than any other time we'd discussed that issue. In actuality, she didn't seem angry at all. And not even so uncertain. "You know that that's not an issue at the moment. Nothing has changed about that."

"Yes, at the moment..." I emphasized.

"Yes, at the moment," she repeated decisively. "Leave it at that. Do you want to force a decision that I can't make right now? What do you expect to accomplish that way? Even a decision would only be temporary in a case like that."

She was doubtlessly right about that. But what was the alternative?

"You see everything in black and white, too. You accused me of exactly the same thing. How about if we both try to get away from that?" I barely recognized her anymore. What had happened? She reached one logical conclusion after the other. She laughed when she saw my baffled expression. "Sometimes I can think, too," she smiled to herself. "I've just been distracted by your presence most of the time." She leaned over and kissed me. Nice distraction! More of that... She stopped and I opened my eyes again. That loving look, that tender mouth. What kind of creature was she really?

She rolled on top of me again. Her lips brushed delicately against my cheek. "We have so much time," she whispered.

I believed everything she told me. At that moment, a light came on. Could it be that my own stubbornness had caused just as many problems as it had helped to solve? And what would happen if I told her no now? I could barely imagine the consequences.

I cleared my throat. "Can you imagine us still being together in ten years?" I asked her. Her lips froze right on the spot they were kissing.

"Who knows?" she answered honestly. At least the idea didn't horrify her; I could tell that much. She continued her thought. "I don't think it'll be much different for us than it is for any couple." She was calling us a couple - it kept getting better! "But what do you say we start with the next three months first?" She smiled down at me. Those eyes, how they caressed me just by looking. How could I have refused that willingly? I must have been crazy!

She was still smiling. "You were already my taxi to Paris once. Do you want to try it again?"

At first I didn't quite understand her correctly, but then I knew what she meant. Her lips neared my mouth.

"Yes," I said, right before she kissed me.

THE END