Tales From the Swollen Corpse (2 page)

“Holy shit!” said the customer next to me.

Dan and I looked at each other, then back at Barb. Calmly, she turned the knob on the kicker, extending the spikes as far as they would go. Standing directly over the woman, Barb brought the device straight down onto
chunky’s
head with a dull thud. Pulling the kicker back forced the woman to release her grip. Barb pulled her farther back and with one hand, grabbed the back of
chunky’s
neck. The fat lady started to fuss and fight, making a wheezing sound. She was no match for Barb, who dragged her out the front doors. We watched Barb drag chunky to the curb, where she left her.

I had the doors turned off and was ready to shut ‘
em
as soon as Barb came back through. I did, then
turned
around to see Nicole; she was sitting on the ground whimpering. Her leg looked really bad. Hector had the first aid kit and was cleaning it up. Looking up, I saw old Larry come around the corner.

“After a hundred and fifty tries I finally got through.” He looked baffled.

“Are they sending an ambulance?” Barb asked, bending down to look at Nicole’s leg.

“They’re not sending anything.” Larry replied with a shrug.

“What do you mean they’re not sending anyone?” Barb and everyone else looked at Larry for the reply.

“The operator said there is an emergency situation going on. Her advice was we should stay put and seal all the doors and when they have units available they’ll send ‘
em
. After pestering her for a response time, she said we should plan on spending the night.”

“Screw that,” said one of the two customers.

The other, a lady, just stood there still in shock, her items brought up for purchase lying at her feet. The man walked towards the doors, I went to let him out. What we saw outside made us both stop and rethink spending the night.

Our weekly flyer must have made its way down to hell.

Seconds ago, when Barb dragged the fat lady outside, the parking lot was empty. Now the parking lot was crawling (in some cases literally) with corpses.

We stood there in horror and wonder watching the dead people run amuck. Barb walked over to see what we were watching. After peering past me, she turned and walked back to the registers. I turned and watched her nonchalantly walk to a checkout phone.

Barb’s voice came over the loud speaker calm and professional, “Ryan, come to the front. All Emporium shoppers please come to the front immediately. We are now closed.” Ryan worked in the back. I forgot he was here.

I looked at Barb as she hung up the phone.

“Yep, we’re closed for sure.” I said with a sarcastic smile.

“Well if there’s anyone left I don’t want them panicking and doing something stupid like opening an emergency exit and letting one of those things in. If anyone comes up front I’ll explain the situation.” Barb replied to me, looking worried for the first time.

“The situation?
Barb, you sound like the 911 lady. What exactly is the situation we got going on, Barb?” Old Larry looked as close to being angry as I had ever seen him.

“We seem to have a zombie situation, Larry.” The way Barb looked at him put Larry back in line but what she said gave me shivers.

“Son of a bitch.”
Said the man next to me as if agreeing, he stood still staring out the window.

We all know about zombie outbreaks. But there was a delay for me in accepting what I was seeing. Probably because I never thought I would be witness to one, or at least had been raised to think I wouldn’t. I heard the last time it happened was back when my Mom was a kid. Back then, they had a major outbreak in some small Midwestern town called Brecksville. The place was deemed unlivable for years and is now a tourist attraction.

I saw something about Brecksville on TV the first time when I was five; it scared the hell out me. When I asked my Mom if our town could ‘get zombies’ she told me there were worse things to be afraid of. She told me about when she was a kid, I guess back then when they were still dealing with the cold war, she and the other kids had to practice a daily nuclear attack drill. Like it would help, after a siren, the kids hid under their desks. In a weird way her telling me about growing up with the constant fear of being vaporized helped dilute any fear I might have developed for zombies.
But now, looking out the front of the emporium, not so much.

Suddenly, Ryan showed up, he looked freaked. “Barb, it sounds like there’s a crowd out back and they’re banging on the rollup doors, what the hell’s going on?”

Barb went into manager mode, “Hector and Larry, get Nicole to the break room couch, take them with you.” Barb pointed at the customers. “Folks, there is a phone in there if you need it and a TV, which hopefully will update us on what’s going on. After you’ve settled them Hector, I need you back up front and Larry I need you to stay there in case Nicole gets worse or they need something.” Then she looked at Dan, Ryan, and me. “You guys come with me to
Tools,
I think we need to get armed.”

Dan had walked up beside me to look out the doors. He had been standing there focused on the insanity outside. After Barb’s “call to arms” he turned to me and said, “Fuck yeah. We do.”

Everyone seemed ok with Barb’s plan but Larry. I watched him pull Barb aside and sneak looks at Nicole while they talked. I was pretty sure what the conversation was about and was sure what most of us were already thinking. If that thing was a zombie that attacked Nicole, she was bit and it was just a matter of time before she was a danger to the rest of us.

Walking up to them, I heard Larry say to Barb “I won’t hesitate” like he needed to get a point across. He walked away and I heard him ask Hector if Hector could get Nicole to the couch by himself because he needed to grab something from tools if he was going to sit with them.

With everything happening so quickly I hadn’t thought of the fact I needed to call Heather and make sure she was ok. I tried my cell and got a “network busy”. Larry watched me pick up the same phone Barb had just tried to use. He shook his head and said it probably wouldn’t be any better. He was right; all I got was a busy signal.

We waited for Hector to get back and see if anyone else showed up front. I went over to talk to Ryan. He was standing by the door watching the craziness for
himself
. Ryan talked a lot of bullshit but he was also one of those people that knew a little bit about everything. If anyone had some input on what was going down, he would.

Looking out the doors, I asked the first thought that came into my head. “Why is it you think some of ‘
em
are really slow, but fuckers like that one act like they’re on meth?” I was pointing at a tall shirtless and part skinless man who was running from car to car.

“It’s because the slow ones are old dead and whatever is reanimating them can’t compensate for decomposition, if the bone and tissue matter is gone,
then
it’s not there.
That dude running over there is new dead.”
For a long haired dude wearing an old Mega Death t-shirt, Ryan was a smart fucker.

A hand grabbed my shoulder and I almost
crapped
my pants. It was Barb. “Hey guys Hector’s back. I am going to need you two to go grab an axe or something and walk the store.”

Barb put a hand on my shoulder “I want you guys to walk the store. Hector and Dan will too when
Hector
gets back.”

I noticed there was something reassuring, sort of parental, the way Barb spoke.

“Make sure all the doors are secure, look down every aisle and in every bathroom stall. If you find anyone, send ‘
em
up front. If you run into any of those things, try not to get noticed and come back here. Don’t do anything stupid, I only want you armed for your own safety.”

“Where should we start?” I asked.

“Do a circle starting towards Lumber, I’ll send Dan and Hector towards Garden.”

I don’t think anyone felt they were still on the clock. But someone needed to take charge and Barb was doing fine as far as I was concerned.

Barb stood with arms crossed at the registers as Dan pushed big rolling tool chests in front of the doors. Ryan and I walked towards Lumber. We didn’t see anyone down the aisles. Then we got to the front of Tools.

The tool
dept
was twice as big as the normal aisles. The display walls were lined with every device one needed to build or tear something down. The center was lined with table saws, air compressors, and portable generators. I stood there and it finally sunk in; Barb and this situation had given me
free
reign to grab whatever I see fit. Ryan and I looked at each other and I could see he was way ahead of me. “Let’s do some shopping.” I said.

When I was a kid I used to watch a children’s game show, the winner got to run through a toy store and grab whatever they could put in their kart before a buzzer went off, damn I was always jealous of that lucky little bastard. Now it was my turn. First I went to the hammers. There’s something about a new hammer, all pristine; that feelings gone the first time you use it. I grabbed a carpenter’s hammer with the biggest claw I could find. I looked to my side and saw the tool belts. Ryan suggested that we each grab goggles and paper masks/respirators. When I asked why, he said, “For the splatter.”

I grabbed a few more things like a nice dry wall saw. Then I saw my Excalibur on the rack with the wrecking and pry bars. Each looked like a gladiator’s weapon but one stuck out and I knew it was right when I saw “the obliterator” stamped on the shank. Ryan came around the corner with a sledgehammer handle and said he was ready. With “the obliterator” in hand and my belt filled, I told Ryan I was ready to party as well.

We checked the contractor booth and made our way through lumber towards the back. While we walked, I asked Ryan why he thought they weren’t putting much effort into getting in. He said they would soon enough; there was a lot of banging on the back rollup doors. He thought it was the sound of moving pallets with the forklift that must have got their attention. We kept walking, after a few minutes the weight of my tool belt started getting to me. I told Ryan to hold up a minute so I could catch my breath.

Looking me up and down he asked, “Hey commando, do you really need all that shit?”

I was about to discuss the importance of being prepared when we heard a noise. Creeping slowly around the corner, we saw the back of a man. He was standing by the lumber
dept’s
industrial saw. He had his back to us and was staring at nothing. We could see he was missing an ear and a good chunk of neck on the same side. The man was tall and very husky; he was wearing spandex bicycle shorts, a jean jacket, and had the most impressive mullet I had seen in
awhile
.

“Look at the way he’s just standing there, he’s got to be old dead. I got him.” I whispered, re-gripping the steel bar in my hands.

“Wait.” Ryan said, putting his arm against my chest to halt me.

“I know what Barb said, I’ll be careful.”

“No it’s not that. I want to record commando versus the
Wallymart
zombie.” Ryan said, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

Ryan’s look of enthusiasm was not encouraging for some reason. Ryan crouched down behind me, phone-camera outreached. I put the goggles on and the paper respirator over my nose and mouth. With the store’s
Muzak
playing “Rock the
Casbah
” and the “Obliterator” in hand, I was ready.

I approached the man and said “Excuse me sir, do you need some help
?.
” I didn’t know what else to say. The man didn’t move the slightest. I got closer and said “Excuse me sir.” Then I tapped his shoulder and tried to step back quickly. In a flash I found out I was wrong about two things: 1) it wasn’t a he, but a she (oh she was ugly), and 2) she wasn’t “old dead.”

She moved fast when she hit me. Slamming me with a single forearm, I flew, hitting my back against the saw table. The “obliterator” was on the ground out of reach. I grabbed the drywall saw out of my belt and she lunged at me. Plunging it into her sternum didn’t slow her down a bit. It was lodged in good, so good I couldn’t retrieve it. I was screaming at Ryan for help while I held her back with an arm under her chin. With my free hand, one by one, I plunged the contents of my tool belt into her, except the hammer which I couldn’t get to. Ryan must have had the key code because I heard the saw and vacuum start up.

Ryan’s sledge handle smacked against the woman’s skull with a crack. It had to have broken her neck; it stunned her enough for me to get away. I ducked by another lunge and stood by Ryan who was ready with his club. Grabbing the hammer off my belt I spun it to point the claw out. The lady stopped and started to howl at us. Before she could charge again, I ran towards her bringing the hammer’s claw down into her skull. It did the trick and she fell backward onto the saw table. For good measure Ryan and I ran over and pushed her torso through the saw. The dust collector motor bogged down and I heard liquid hit the collection bag.

Ryan and I took a breather. I wiped the goggles off with my sleeve and pulled my respirator down.

“Should have grabbed some coveralls too.”
I said, looking at all the goo on my sleeve.

“Let’s go check the back.” Ryan replied. I grab the “obliterator” and we started to walk. As we walked away, Ryan said, “You scream like a girl.”