Taking Chances (27 page)

Alex brushed Clair’s hair away from her eyes and tucked the strand behind her ear. He looked at her cautiously, as if he were trying to decide what he wanted to say. “Seeing you fall like that, Clair… it scared the hell out of me. It was like I was seeing you lying there on the sidewalk again after those guys tried to rape you. Not being there made me feel helpless. I just wanted to be with you, even if you didn’t think it was a big deal.”

It didn’t even occur to her what the incident looked like to him, and hearing him talk about it, made her feel that much worse. Clair reached her hand out, and held her palm against his cheek.  Looking at him now, she couldn’t help but wonder what their baby would look like. The more she thought about it, the more emotional she felt and Clair knew, if he stayed much longer, she would break down. As badly as she wanted him to stay, she had to get him to leave. “I’ll be fine, I promise. I just need some rest. Can I call you tomorrow?”

“Sure. You want me to come up and stay with you for awhile?”

“No, it’s okay. I’m going to take a shower first anyway, but I’ll call you if I need anything.”

It was obvious with the look on his face that he was disappointed. But after a moment, he conceded and kissed her tenderly, letting his lips linger over hers the way he always did. Closing her eyes, Clair took in the moment, the way his tongue played with hers, the taste of his lips, and the feel of his fingers as they gripped her arms. She wanted the memory of his kiss burned into her heart so she would never forget. They only had a week left before Pittsburgh and within that time, Clair knew she had to let him go. Pregnant or not, she had to allow him the opportunity to have a successful life, without making him feel tied down with the added responsibilities of their baby.

Clair pulled away as she fought hard to keep her voice steady and her tears back. “I’m going to go rest now. We’ll talk later, okay?”

Alex agreed and kissed her on the forehead before walking out the door. Clair gradually made it up to her room, barely having the strength to pull herself up the staircase. She found her bed and fell into it. Curling up in a ball, she finally let go of every emotion that had tormented her throughout the day, and she cried long and hard into her pillow.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Alex

Alex called Clair as he always did when he got off work. He had been trying to meet her all week but either his schedule or hers kept interfering, or so she said, whenever he called to see her. He had a feeling this time when he called, he’d hear the same excuses. She would either be too tired, working at the diner, or running errands for Roz. It was always something, and he felt Clair was purposefully avoiding him.  All week, he had wanted to talk to her about Pittsburgh and how they could work through it, but the timing was never right. After getting her voicemail, he called Roz. According to her, Clair’s car was in the driveway, so she had to be home. He didn’t understand why, all of a sudden, she was acting this way and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

He knocked on her door and hoped she wouldn’t ignore him again like she was, avoiding his phone calls. After a few seconds, Clair opened the door.

“Sorry, I was in bed. Come in,” she said.

She slumped away from him and over to the couch, leaving him standing at the door. She dropped onto the cushions and Alex walked over and sat beside her. He rubbed his hand across her arm and he noticed how tired she looked. Her eyes were red with dark circles under them and her hair was a tangled mess.

“You feel bad again?” he asked.

“It’s those damn vitamins the doctor gave me. They make me feel horrible. I need to see if they can give me something different.” She looked down and picked at a loose string from the pillow she was leaning against, “What’s up? Did you get off work early or something?”

Alex stared at her, wondering where the feelings had gone. Before, he never made it through the door without her wrapping him in a hug or kissing him. Now, she just sat there, unaffected by anything… like she had turned off her emotions.

“No, I left early to get my bags packed for Pittsburgh and I wanted to spend the rest of the day with you. We haven’t seen each other all week and I miss you.” She didn’t look up, but continued picking at the string on the pillow.

“Why are you doing this, Clair?”

She looked up then, surprised by his blunt question. “Why am I doing what?”

“Why are you giving up? Shutting me out as if this relationship is over?”

“Isn’t it though? What’s the point in pretending we can work this out?”

“So that’s it,” he said, throwing his hand in the air. “You don’t even what to try? You’re just going to forget about everything, like it never happened?”

Clair sighed. “You leave tomorrow. I know we should have talked about this before now but… well… I think we both knew this was coming.”

Alex shook his head, “No, I had no idea this was coming. How can you just give up?”

“I’m not giving up. I’m looking at the current situation for what it is. We need to be honest with ourselves. We can’t have a real relationship separated by another state. I can’t let you put your life on hold because you have to go to Pittsburgh; it’s not fair for me to expect you to.”

Alex edged closer to the end of the cushion, sitting up straighter. “If it’s my choice, does it really matter? I want to be with you, Clair. If I want to put my life on hold, I can do that. Hell, I’ll quit if that’s what it takes. I’ll do whatever it takes to be with you. I know we can make this work.”

“And that’s just it; I don’t want you to feel like you have to quit. I want you to take this job because you deserve it. I know
this will lead to great opportunities for you. Your move to Pittsburgh has to be about you, not me.  If you don’t go, you’ll regret it later, and don’t tell me you won’t, because I know eventually, you will.”

Alex leaned forward and took Clair’s hands in his. He knew he was pleading with her, begging her not to do this, but he didn’t care. After everything they’d both been through up to now, he didn’t want to lose her.

“Then come with me.”

She bit down on her lip and he watched her, waiting for a sign that she would consider his request. He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand but she pulled it away and laid them back in her lap. His stomach sank at the thought that she would say no. When she finally looked up at him, her eyes held a sadness he hadn’t seen before.

“We’re on different paths right now. I think it’d be best if we both just see where it takes us, especially after everything we’ve been through. We owe it to ourselves, don’t you think?”

Alex stood up and paced the floor in front of her, angry that she was being so stubborn. If it didn’t work out that was one thing, but to give up without trying?

He stopped in front of her and knelt down, cupping her cheek with his hand. Looking deeply into her eyes, he wanted Clair to see what he felt, how much he loved her. “No. We owe it to ourselves to be happy. I love you and I can’t be happy without you.”

“I’m sorry, Alex,” she said softly. “I’m not leaving. I just got my father back and I can’t leave him, not now. I need to be here so we can try to build back some of what we lost.” Clair stood up and walked to the door, opening it. “I’m really sorry it has to be this way.”

Alex smirked as he went to the door. He felt like he was a nobody and what they had meant nothing. “You’re sorry? Sorry for whom, me or you? Because right now, it seems like you’re sorry for me and you just want me out of your life.” He held his hands up in surrender as he stepped outside the door, “Obviously, what I thought we had together didn’t mean as much to you as it did me. What a fool I was for believing… for believing in us… that this relationship was worth taking a chance on.” His voice was cracking and he needed to get out of there before he fell apart.

He hurried down the short flight of steps, his fists clenched, biting his lip as he fought hard not to cry. But when he turned around and saw no emotion on her face, the floodgates opened. Tears slid down his cheeks as he stared at her in disbelief. “Thanks for doing me a favor. Now I’ll never have to wonder if you really did love me. You’ve made it loud and clear.” He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Turning from her, Alex walked quickly to his truck and heard Clair’s footsteps behind him. She yelled his name, but he couldn’t turn around to look at her. It hurt too much.

“Alex, wait! Please. I never said that I didn’t love you,” she cried. “I’m just doing what I think is best… for both of us.”

Wrenching his car door open, he turned to look at her one
last time. “No, Clair. That’s just it; you’re doing what’s best for you. You don’t give a shit about me! I may be the one leaving, but you’re the one giving up everything and walking away.” He laughed smugly, “You’re right though, it’s better we split up now. It’d be pretty fucked up if I went and did something stupid like ask you to marry me.” She gasped, making Alex realize the gravity of what he’d just said. He took one last look at her before getting in his car. Clair shook her head while tears streamed down her checks. She was sobbing over everything she had just said to him, but he didn’t feel sorry about her tears. Not this time.  

Something moved behind her and he saw Roz standing on the front steps. He wasn’t sure how long she had been there or what she had heard, but he didn’t care. Slamming his door shut, Alex put the car in reverse and sped backward down the driveway. Spinning his wheels across the slick asphalt, he raced down the street. The farther he drove away from Clair, the harder it was for him to breathe.

When he got to his apartment, he gathered his bags and put them by the door. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he called Stu. “I’m not waiting until tomorrow, I’m leaving now,” he said quickly when Stu answered. “Will the condo be ready when I get there or will I need to get a room at a hotel?”

“Alex, calm down, Roz just told me—”

“No, I will not calm down. You’re daughter just broke up with me, apparently for my own damn good, without letting me have a say in her decision. I’m leaving. I can’t stand to be here one more minute. So… is it going to be ready or not?”

Stu sighed, “I know the owner of the rental place. I’ll call and have them put the key in the lock box and I’ll text you the password.”

“Thanks,” Alex said.

“Hey, I don’t know her reasoning,” Stu said, “but I’ll talk to her. She seemed
to really lo—well, I’ll just talk to her and see if I can get through to her.”

Alex huffed, “Don’t bother. I’m done… Look, I’ll call you when I get settled and we’ll work out any details then. I’ll
talk to you later.” He snapped his phone shut before Stu could get another word in.

Alex threw this luggage in the back of his Jeep along with a few boxes of miscellaneous items he wanted to take. When he walked around his car to get in, another car pulled up behind him. Shit, what the hell does she want? Alex thought as he watched Roz get out.

“I don’t need a lecture right now, Roz. You can go back home,” he said, irritated.

“Alex don’t do this, you’ll only regret it later.”

“You’re kidding me right? I’ll regret what? Falling in love with the perfect girl only to find out it meant absolutely nothing. That she could just walk away, when all of this could’ve been easily resolved? Yeah… Tell me what it is I’m going to regret, because I don’t see it happening.”

She walked up beside him, “I know you’re hurt, and Clair has her own reasons for doing what she did… even if I don’t agree with them. But you can’t give up. Go back and make her
tell you what the real reason is…  I’m mean, there’s got to be more to it than what she’s saying, right? You can’t possibly believe all of this?”

Alex cocked his eyebrow at her. There was something about what she said that sounded suspicious. “What other reason could there be? Is there something else you know that she’s not telling me?”

“She doesn’t know what she’s saying. Go back and convince her she’s wrong. You can’t let things end this way, Alex,” Roz pleaded.

He spread his arms out, “I didn’t let it end this way,
she did. Clair basically said she doesn’t want me around anymore.” He stared at her, tears welling up in his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice quivering when he spoke again.  “I can’t make her love me. I don’t know what else to do.”

Alex walked away and sat in his car, looking away from Roz before he broke down. It was too much. He had to get away, away from everyone. “I’ll stay in touch and let you know when
I’m back in town. See you later, Roz.” He started his car and drove away, not giving Roz or anyone else time to stop him from leaving. He didn’t know when or if he’d ever get over Clair, but he was certain, living six hours away wasn’t far enough to forget the taste of her lips.

CHAPTER THIRTY

Clair

For the first few days after he
’d gone, it nearly killed her. The things he said before speeding down the driveway broke her heart. Clair wanted to take back everything, tell him she didn’t mean it and that she was going to have their baby. But she couldn’t. Not even when Roz tried to get her to go to his apartment. She refused. Once Roz left, Clair went back to her room and sobbed like she had never cried in her life. Her father came over that night and tried to comfort her, wanting to know what went wrong. She couldn’t tell him the real reason; instead, she told him that Alex needed to get a hold of his career and see where it took him. Stu told her he’d bring him back; send somebody else, if that’s what she wanted. Before her father left that night, she made him promise not to bring him back.

Clair wasn’t sure she’d make it to the end of her pregnancy, and she still had about seven months left to go. The morning sickness took over her body, making her sick throughout the day. The more time she spent throwing up and feeling tired, the more useless she felt at work. Thankfully, Roz didn’t force her to go. About a week after Alex left, Roz was back to lecturing her. She told Clair that she needed to call him, to bring him back to tell him about the baby. The longer she waited, the harder it was going to be.

She knew Roz was right. She needed to do it, but at the same time, she dreaded telling him. To see his face when he found out, she felt sure he was going to hate her. As if he didn’t already hate her enough. Clair knew, once her belly became noticeable, everyone would know, including her father. She wasn’t sure how he would react, but she suspected he’d be more disappointed if she tried to keep it a secret than anything else.

Not long after Clair got out of the shower and dressed, she heard a knock on the door. She hoped it wasn’t her father. Lately, all he wanted was to get her out of her room, urging her
to move around, if only for the exercise. But she found comfort in her room... sleeping. Every place she went reminded her of Alex.

Her father’s last visit was extremely difficult on her. He had been up to Pittsburgh to attend some meetings. Instead of telling her how well Alex adapted to living there, all he could talk about was how miserable Alex was. It would have hurt her if he had moved on with his life after being away for a month, but knowing he was just as depressed as she was, was worse. Especially because it was her fault he felt that way.

“How are you feeling this morning?” Roz asked when Clair opened the door.

She shrugged her shoulders, “Same as always. You’d think I would get used to the nausea by now, but it’s obviously not going away.”

“Hopefully, you’ll only have to deal with it for a few more weeks.” She put her hand on Clair’s shoulder, “It’ll get better.”

“I hope you’re right,” she sighed. “Are you going somewhere?”

“Yeah, I’m going to stay with Stu for a few days. We have some wedding plans to make and it’ll just be easier staying with him. Call either one of us if you need anything.”

“Oh okay... I’ll be fine. Have fun.”

“Thanks, and I’ve made you some lunch. You need to get something nourishing in you, okay?”

“I’m not really hungry… but I’ll try to eat a little.”

Roz smiled, “That’s all I ask. You’ll have the house to yourself, so feel free to mill around if you get tired of being up here.” Roz leaned forward and gave her a hug. “Let me apologize now for the mess downstairs. With everything that’s happened, I’m sure you can understand. I’ll see you later.”

Clair laughed, “I’m sure it’s fine. I’ll clean it up. It’ll give me something to do.”

Roz stared at her for a moment, looking as if she wanted to say something more.

“Alright, hon. Remember to call if you need anything. Talk to you later.”

Clair promised and watched Roz walk down the staircase until she was out of sight. Hearing the front door shut behind her, Clair decided to go see what Roz cooked, hoping her stomach could handle it. Walking into the kitchen, Clair saw nothing on the counter but a loaf of bread and a piece of paper. Seriously, a sandwich is what she had in mind? Picking up the note, she saw Roz’s handwriting and read it to herself.

I know you were expecting something cooked… Sorry. I’m sorry I had to do it this way. Maybe someday you’ll forgive me. I just want you to be happy and hope you can understand. Good luck.

What the hell is she talking about? Clair thought as she looked around. When she glanced in the living room, she sucked in a sharp breath. Her legs went weak and she had to grab the counter to keep from falling to her knees. It had been a month since she last saw him, but to her, it felt like so much longer, and now he was sitting on the couch in front of her. Instantly, tears sprang to her eyes, and Clair had to fight the urge to run to him and wrap her arms around his neck. He casually sat on the couch, his hands in his lap, watching her silently.

Clair staggered around the counter and stood at the edge of the kitchen. She tried to speak but her words tumbled out.
“Why…why are you here?”

Alex leaned forward; resting is elbows on his knees. “Do you even need to ask me that question?”

Clair thought back to the letter from Roz, and she closed her eyes briefly before looking back at him. “No, I guess not. I just thought maybe you’ve moved on already. It’s been a month.”

“It’s kind of hard to move on when the only woman I ever loved just walked away from me. Why? Why did you do it, Clair?”

“I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want you to miss out on your job opportunity.” She walked over to the couch and sat next to him, leaving a space between them. “I wanted you to get everything you could out of your life without feeling tied down to us.”

He looked at her confused. “Tied down? Why would you think that? That’s not how I see it. When you walked into my
life, that was my greatest opportunity… not my job. I love Stu, he practically treats me like a son, but I can find another job. My job was my life before you came; it was the only stability in my life, besides Stu and Roz. But you changed what was important. I haven’t been the same person since.”

Clair’s eyes burned with unshed tears. She didn’t want him to see her cry. “When did Roz call you?”

“Yesterday.”

“And you just picked up and came back? I would think you’d hate me now, that we would have ruined your life.”

“Hate you?” he scooted closer, closing the gap between them. “Baby, I could never hate you. I tried to, but I can’t.”

He pressed his hand against her cheek and his touch overwhelmed her, causing the tears to slide from her closed eyes and down her cheeks. She held her hand over his and leaned into it, basking in the warmth.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I was stupid and I should have told you. I know I can’t do this without help.” When he pulled his hand away, Clair opened her eyes to look at him. He stared at her, his head tilted to the side, confused.

“Why do you keep saying we? What is it you should have told me?”

She looked at him with the same confused expression. “I thought you said you talked to Roz?”

“I did.
Yesterday. She called me up and wanted to know if I still loved you. She said that you were deeply depressed and if I cared, I should get down here, because she thought you needed me. So, here I am.”

Clair’s lip trembled and she felt like she was about to be sick. “That’s all she told you?”

“Yes. Why? What is it? What are you not telling me?”

“Oh… umm… Well I thought Roz told you…”

He searched her face. Clair couldn’t keep it from him anymore. She had given away too many hints that something was off, and now it was time for her to take the lashing she deserved. Her voice caught in her throat when she tried to speak and Alex sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.

“I didn’t drive six hours to get my hopes up; this was obviously a waste of my time.” He stood up and walked toward the front door.

“No, Alex. Stop.” Clair stood up and followed behind him. “She’s only trying to help—”

He turned on her, walking up to her until there was barely
an inch of space between them. “I’m tired, Clair… I just want the truth. Just tell me, and after that, you never have to see my face again. I’m doing the best I can to get over you, and making me think I still have chance—”

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered. She couldn’t stop the steady stream of tears that rolled down her cheeks.

“You’re what?” he said, barely audible.

“Pregnant… I’m so sorry, Alex.”

“Pregnant? How? When did this happen?”

“What do you mean how? How the hell do you think! I’ve been puking my guts up for weeks now and I was stupid for not realizing it sooner.”

“Is this why you pushed me away? You found out when you went to the doctor that day, didn’t you?” He wasn’t yelling but his tone held an accusing tone.

“Yes,” she said, looking at the floor. “I didn’t mean to go this long without telling you.” Clair started to cry, overcome by the guilt she felt. “I’m… so… sorry.

He grabbed her hand and squeezed, “You mean, I’m going to be a father?” he asked, tears sliding down his face. “But why… why didn’t you tell me?”

Clair looked at him for a moment before responding. This wasn’t the type of response she thought she’d get from him. After that day he yelled at her on the sidewalk about Gavin and his reaction when she broke up with him, Clair expected him to do as he did before. Maybe even throw something. “After what my parents went through, everything they did, getting pregnant when they were young, getting married because they felt like they had to, and putting their lives on hold to raise me, it’s just… I didn’t want that to be us. I didn’t want you to feel obligated to be with me. I didn’t want to make you feel like you had to make that choice. So I made the decision for you, I thought it was the right thing to do.”

“But Clair, we’re not your parents; it’s up to us to make the right choices and work at our relationship together. I deserve the right to make that choice. Is it because you think I’m not good enough to be a father?”

“No, never!
I was scared you would hate me, especially with everything you went through with Mia. I just didn’t want to ruin everything good you had going...”

"The whole situation with Mia was different. If anything, you are only doing what she did, taking away my right to be a father by not telling me.”

“No, no,” Clair protested. “I never wanted to take that right away from you. I just wanted you to be able to see how much of a good opportunity you could have if I supported your decision to go to Pittsburgh. I always planned on telling you, giving you the chance to be a father to our child. I just didn’t want you to throw away your career for me.”

“My career is nothing more than a paycheck. Don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, but it’s not what truly makes me happy. I took a chance to be with you. Even when I told myself not to get involved, I pursued you anyway.” He released her hand and wiped her tears away with this thumb. “I wish you would have told me.”

She looked down at the floor, feeling guilty and sorry for what she’d done. “I’m sorry. It was my fault to begin with. I should have never pressured you to make love to me again that night. I hope someday you’ll be able forgive me for lying… I didn’t do it to hurt you. I just wanted you to be happy, and I didn’t think you would after knowing the growing responsibility we have now.”

His hand gently tilted her chin up. “Don’t you ever feel like this was your
fault. We both should have been more careful, and there’s nothing we can do about it now but move forward.”

She nodded.

“I love you. I planned on coming before now because I am miserable without you. Some days, when I’m not with you, the pain of missing you physically hurts. But I couldn’t keep wondering, Clair. I needed to know how you felt about me.”

Clair stared at him. Sweeping the stray hairs away from his glassy blue eyes, she ran her palm down the side of his face. “I can’t explain my feelings. When you’re with me, you breathe life into my body. You make me feel alive and I feel more love from you than my heart could ever hold. No one has loved me the way you do. You asked me once to take a chance and give this connection we shared a try… and I did.” She brushed her finger across his lips. “Alex,” she whispered, “you are the best part of me. Everything good that has come into my life only came after I met you. I love you with all I am. I don’t care where
I have to go, I’ll go. Forcing you away from me was the worst mistake I’ve ever made. I don’t know how it will be having this child or if I’ll be a good mother or not, but I know with you beside me, I can try anything. I just want to be with you. Always.”

Tears streamed down both their faces and he pulled her tightly against him. “I have my own family now, with you, and it’s more than I ever dreamed possible,” he whispered, as he pressed his lips to hers.