Take a Bow (8 page)

Jack was glaring at Emme, motioning for her to say something. She let out a deep sigh and stood up.

Her face matched the color of her hair. She closed her eyes and nodded to herself, her lips moving slightly. I tried to not smile; I knew exactly what was going on in her mind. I’d seen her do it a hundred times all semester. Usually she was trying to come up with a new lyric, but I wasn’t sure what was about to come out of her mouth would be music to my ears.

She opened her eyes and approached me. She looked back at Jack and then crouched down so we were at eye level. “Ethan,” she whispered so nobody else could hear, “did I ever tell you what I thought when I first heard you sing?” She didn’t pause, as we both knew the answer to that. “I felt like I heard you for the first time. That your singing voice is your true voice. I was blown away with how strong and warm it is, like I was being wrapped up in a cozy blanket. I could never do what you do, and I don’t know how Sophie does it, either. But the thing is, I get the same feeling when I’m onstage with you that I do when I’m onstage with her. I don’t get as nervous, because we’re in it together and everything will turn out okay.”

She got up and sat back down. Her eyes went back to the floor.

“Okay,” I conceded. “I understand what you’re all saying. I do, and all I can really say is that I’ll work on it.”

“That’s what I’m talking about!” Jack patted me on the back. “We’re in a band, which is supposed to be fun. Plus, it’s a great way to meet hot chicks.” He shot a look at Emme. “No offense.”

Emme sighed and shook her head. “You know, I can always join an all-female group if I’m cramping your style.”

“Aw, come on.” Jack wrapped his arms around her. “I’m just teasing. You know we’d be nothing without you, right, Red?”

“Yeah, yeah,” she said as she pushed him away.

While I wasn’t extremely confident that I’d be able to rise to the occasion onstage, there was one thing that I was one hundred percent sure of:

I would be nothing without Emme.

“Ethan?” I look up to see Emme now, blue highlighter (my color) in her hand.

Jack shakes me. “Wake up, man. It isn’t
that
painful. Now that I’ve done my time, I’m out of here. I’ll see you guys later!” Jack leaves me alone with Emme.

We haven’t really been alone lately. Not since …

I can tell she realizes it, too, because she gives me a small smile and puts her arm on my elbow. “Everything okay?”

I nod. I don’t think what I’m currently going through would be described as being “okay,” but I don’t know what to say or do around her anymore. I’ve always been a useless dork around girls. Emme was the first girl who I never really felt self-conscious around. She was the first person to talk to me at school. She’s one of my best friends. Actually, she is my best friend.

Yet here I am, standing across from the one person who probably despises me more than anybody. And, believe me, that list is pretty long.

“Listen,” she says softly, giving a quick look around the hallway. “I don’t want you to think … I’m really sorry if I …”

I shake my head. “No, it needed to be said.”

She bites the corner of her lip. Then she opens her mouth slightly and I pray that whatever comes out of her mouth will make me feel better about myself, will silence the voices that have been screaming at me since that day. “Ethan …”

“EMME!” Sophie’s voice blasts through the quiet, and like that, the moment is gone.

She runs over and hugs Emme. I ache when I see how happy this makes Emme. How she can’t see what everybody else sees. That Sophie is just using her.

“How was your first day, Em?” She puts her arm around Emme and doesn’t even bother to acknowledge my existence.

I’m wounded by her neglect.

“Carter told me that you’re going to be in the band for
A Little Night Music
?”

And here we go.

Emme nods. “Yeah, both me and Ethan.”

“Really?” Sophie looks over at me and forces out a smile. “That’s so great! I’m thinking of auditioning for Desirée.”

Wow, Sophie wants to play the part of a self-absorbed actress? That’ll be a stretch.

“You totally should!” Emme encourages her. Emme always encourages her (or enables her, depending on who you’re asking).

“Really?” Sophie acts surprised. “Do you think you’d help me get ready for the audition?”

Emme looks so happy. “Of course!”

I excuse myself. I’ve watched this play out for so long. Sophie needs Emme. Emme drops everything for Sophie.

I’ve never understood it. But Emme always stands up for Sophie. She’s her best friend after all. (That always stings a little, since I’m the one who has to wipe her tears away whenever Sophie blows her off.)

But Sophie is the reason Emme is at CPA. And as much as it pains me, I will always be grateful to Sophie Jenkins for that one thing.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a worrier and that I spend too much time stressing out over stupid things. And that I don’t speak up when I should. But out of all the things that weigh me down on a daily basis, there is one item that I feel the need to finally get off my chest.

I’ve been working up the courage to do it all day. But I forgot about one thing.

Mr. Abs.

Carter’s been watching us rehearse a few new numbers in the recording studio my parents built for me at the Park Avenue apartment (a benefit of being an only child).

He’s a little too enthusiastic after every song. He can’t seem to find another word to use besides
awesome
.

But everybody in the band is eating it up. Emme keeps smiling at him, Ben is practically throwing himself at him, and Jack is “totally stoked” to have him here.

I’ve decided that I’m finally going to tell Emme how I feel tonight. But I can’t do it with Carter permanently attached to Emme like a barnacle.

She starts to wrap her guitar cord around her arms as we pack up for the night. I quickly move toward her as Ben asks Carter about some homework assignment.

“Hey, Emme, can you stay after so I can talk to you?”

Her eyes dart to Carter for a moment. “Um, sure.” It comes out like a question. “I, ah, was going to …” She stops herself. “Yes, of course.”

I think she knows this conversation has been a long time coming, and it’s best if we both get it out of the way.

She goes over to talk to Carter, and Ben enthusiastically offers to leave with him. Jack keeps looking back between the two of us with a smile on his face. He’s had this fantasy since the beginning that Emme and I would end up together.

But we all know Emme’s thoughts on me as a boyfriend, so that is never going to happen.

“What’s up?” She looks nervous. She keeps plucking at the guitar in her lap.

“What’s going on with the Soap Stud?”

Emme glares at me.

I continue. “What? He comes to one gig and all of a sudden the two of you are…?”

She gets up. “
This
is what you wanted to talk to me about? Do I even need to remind you who he’s dating? Please, Ethan, you should know better. Just because a guy and a girl are friends doesn’t mean there is anything romantic going on.”

That’s not devastating to hear. “No, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, although I’m just trying to figure out when good ol’ Six-Pack became such an important part of your life.”

“He has a name.” She reaches for her jacket.

“Okay. Carter.” I take her jacket from her. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. It’s just …”

“I know. It’s …” She bites her lip and my heart sinks. “I don’t know.” She falls back down on the couch, looking defeated. “The last few weeks have been weird. Sophie keeps disappearing, and I don’t think I need to tell you how things have been between you and me. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.”

A lump rises in my throat. I used to be that person, but I don’t know what I am to her anymore.

We sit in silence for a few moments. I figure she needs to hear it. “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?” I try with every ounce of strength I have to not cry. But I think back to that day and what happened.

I walked into practice fifteen minutes late and I felt like crap.

“Sorry I’m late,” I said. So it’s not like I didn’t say I was sorry.

“Dude, did you just wake up in a gutter?” Jack asked.

I knew I was a wreck. I hadn’t slept in days, my hair was a mess, I hadn’t shaved, my clothes were wrinkled and dirty.

“No,” I told them. “Kelsey and I broke up.”

Nobody said anything.

“For real this time. I screwed up. What a shock, Ethan screwed up. I told her everything that happened after last week’s gig. About that girl. Whose name I can’t even remember. I’m devastated. I threw away everything for someone whose name I don’t even remember. I shouldn’t have had those drinks before the gig. I just needed to get some courage. It was our biggest gig ever, you know?”

More silence.

“What? Am I missing something?”

They all exchanged glances. Ben finally was the one to speak. “Well, I mean, it isn’t the first time you guys have broken up. Or the first time you cheated …”

Jack broke in. “Yeah, like every song you write is about it.”

“But we’re really done this time. There’s no way she’s going to take me back.”

Ben sighed. “Doesn’t she always?”

Emme let out a laugh. “Yeah, but she shouldn’t.”

“Oh! Burn!” Jack went to put his hand up to give Emme a high five, but she shrugged instead.

“I’m sorry, is this funny?” I couldn’t believe that, out of everyone, Emme would take Kelsey’s side in this.

“No, not at all.” Emme rubbed her eyes. “It’s not funny. It’s exhausting, Ethan. We go through this all the time. So just write your forgiveness song so we can move on.”

“Like it’s that simple? Emme, really? How can you be so cold to me?”

Emme’s face got flushed. “Get over yourself, Ethan.”

“What?”

She got up. “How can I be so cold? Am I the one who continually cheats on my girlfriend?
That’s
cold.”

I stared at her. I’d never heard her say anything negative about anybody. Ever. Did she really think that about me?

“You know what gets me? You really are an amazing person, seriously. I used to respect you so much.”

The words
used to
stung.

“You’re one of my closest friends, but when I think about the stuff you do … sometimes I don’t know why I trust you so much. I’ve never met anybody who hurts someone as much as you do. And now you’ve started drinking and doing God knows what before our shows. You’ve become so unpredictable onstage, we never know what you’re going to do.”

This riled me up. “Okay, so first I’m too quiet, now I’m too unpredictable. Can I ever do anything right?”

“Don’t blame your behavior on us. Take responsibility for once.”

“This isn’t easy for me, you know.”

Emme got in my face. “I’ll make it easy for you. STOP CHEATING.”

We were all surprised by Emme screaming. Jack, who is always smiling, looked stunned.

“Just STOP IT. Oh, you don’t know how you can get her back? STOP CHEATING, Ethan! It’s not that hard. Really, it isn’t. Or, better yet, stop getting back together and making promises you can’t keep.”

I tried to defend myself, but came up blank.

“You want to know what I think?” Emme asked.

Normally, the answer would have been yes, but not at that moment.

“You do this to yourself, put your finger repeatedly on the self-destruct button because you need it to write. It would be fine if you weren’t bringing others down with you. Have you for once thought about how it must feel for Kelsey? All you do is think about yourself, what a mess you’re in. Your pain. But what about Kelsey? The one YOU cheat on? She probably agonizes every time she can’t come to one of our shows, because of what happens when she doesn’t come. You CHEAT. You take whatever girl comes along and pays you a compliment and you forget about Kelsey.

“But lately that hasn’t been enough, has it? You need more things to feel sorry for yourself about, so you go get drunk. It’s like you’re afraid of being alone or coherent so you can deal with whatever is the real problem you have. And I feel sorry for you about that. But only for that. For the rest of the stuff, I’m just sick of it.

“We all are. So just figure it out, because I can’t do this anymore if you’re going to continue to be like this.”

I looked around to see Jack and Ben nodding.

“Honestly, Ethan, I don’t know who you are anymore. But whoever this is, I don’t like him very much.”

I didn’t know how to react or what to say. I still don’t. All I do know is that it has been weeks and it’s still awkward. We both stare at each other. Once again, there’s tension between us.

“You really did hurt me,” I say. “But I needed to hear it. You were right, and I think I’ve been better. Or at least I’ve tried to be.”

She nods.

“I’m not falling into my old traps. I’m not making any promises I can’t keep. I’m not drinking or doing anything that affects the band on or off the stage in a negative way.”

She keeps nodding.

“You said what you had to say because you care about me. So that’s what I’m doing now. Sort of returning the favor.”

Emme looks up at me for the first time. “What does any of this have to do with Carter?”

“It doesn’t. It has to do with the senior project.”

“Oh.” I don’t know what she thought I was going to say, but that certainly wasn’t it.

“I guess it’s pretty obvious that we’ll be working on our projects together.” She nods in agreement. “And I’m more than happy to have you record your songs here, but I have one condition.”

She looks at me quizzically.

“You have to sing your songs.”

She gets up. “Ethan, you know I can’t sing.”

“No, I don’t know that. Because you
can
sing. You don’t seem to realize that, because someone’s been brainwashing you all these years into thinking that she’s the superior singer.”

She clenches her jaw. “You’ve made your thoughts on Sophie abundantly clear. But she
is
the better singer.”