Tainted Love (Book 1) (32 page)

“I am not sorry that I asked you, Ben,” I state. “I am yet to know you on such a level as to doubt your involvement in criminal activity. As offended as I would have been, I would not blame you if you were to question my innocence in such a crime.”

“You do speak the truth,” he concurs. “So, may I ask, did you kill your friend?”

“He wasn’t my friend,” I snap. “And now you’re just being rude.”

“It was not my intention, Miss Beal,” he says, not in the least bit apologetic. “But you do make a valid point, I don’t know you.”

He’s using my own words against me. This is what I get for dating a smart, powerful man.

Before I can tell him to fuck off, he puts me further in my place, making me feel small and stupid for even opening my big mouth.

“However, that does not give me the right to accuse you of things of this nature, especially when you have not given me the slightest reason to believe you are that kind of person. The intimacy we have shared is incomparable, Sullivan – and I am not speaking only of sex – but by that alone I can say that I know you, or parts of you that you have not allowed others to see in a while,” he explains. This guy has me pegged. Fuck, this guy
has
me.

Meekly, I squeak out an apology, “I’m sorry.”

“I know, my sweet girl, and that is why I have already forgiven you,” he voices, making me feel worse.

“Hey, none of that,” he admonishes.

“None of what?”

“Feeling bad about yourself,” he says rightly. Fucking psychic.

“You suck,” I grumble.

“Yes, I do, baby, and so you do…so fucking well.” I blush at that. His dirty mouth sets me ablaze.

“Are you gonna be alright today?” he asks, still concerned about me. His sweetness doesn’t end. It should be creeping me out by now – I’m not used to men being nice or concerned about me. I haven’t had that since Jared. Instead, it makes me feel important to him and that is such a good feeling. It’s still scary as fuck – being important to someone – but a damn good feeling.

“I will be thanks to you,” I tell him honestly.

“Good. But if you need anything, I’ll come running, okay?” he promises.

I believe him.

The rest of the day is a bore what with the state-wide tragedy and
the fact that I miss Ben desperately. Lizzie had to go home as the grief was too much for her to continue to bear. The poor girl never even kissed the guy and this is how she is behaving. God forbid if he had taken her virginity, she’d have been a basket case. She’ll get over it, over him. She just needs to cry this one through – the death of something that never happened.

Most of my classes are geared toward grief and coping due to the “untimely death of such a young life”. Everyone calls it untimely, but I call it karma. Every time I think about what almost happened to me that night, a smile of vindication tugs at my lips. It makes me that much more thankful for Ben. Amidst all my bad decisions and self-sabotaging behaviors, he seems to be the only thing I’ve gotten right. I believe him when he says that he had nothing to do with Dylan’s death, but I can’t say I’m not disappointed. I would have given anything to have been lucid enough that night to see him kick the shit out of him and his friends.
Fuckers…

Going through the motions of the day is not quite all it’s cracked up to be when your heart is elsewhere. Like with a tall, handsome dom…

I guess he is reading my mind, because in the middle of one of my graduate psychology classes – that I had been admitted to as an undergrad – I get a text from him.

I miss you.

Oh, Ben. I do too.

Tell me about it. :(

A few seconds later my phone buzzes with another text from him…telling me about it.

I miss your
smile, your curves, your eyes…they’re so big and beautiful. Oh & I miss the way you look when you drool.

I smile. He says such sweet things. My heart twists as I realize that this isn
’t where I want to be. I want to be anywhere that Ben is.

Ben I miss you too. I wanna be anywhere but
here right now, as long as you’re there.

My class ends and quickly I pack my books up. I leave without my usual chatter with classmates. Heading outside my cell rings and my heart leaps with hopes that it is Ben. It isn
’t.

“
Marshall?” I answer confused. Is something wrong at home? Did he hear about Dylan’s death, or worse, my close brush with gang rape? My heart-rate spikes as I steel myself for possible bad news.

“
What did we say about publicity, Delilah?” he asks gruffly.

I sigh, thankful that it isn’
t bad news at all, just Marshall being his usual overprotective self. “I know, I know. No high profile events.”

“And it doesn’
t get more high profile than Ben Hayes. What are you thinking? This is Jared Mayhew all over again,” Marshall admonishes.

“I know,” I answer softly. His name still brings me some degree of sadness.

Marshall exhales, seemingly frustrated. “I’m sorry to throw him at you like that.”

“No, you’re right,” I agree, berating myself
because I should know better. “I need to be more careful. This is nothing but fun.”

Marshall grunts his approval, but I know that he’s still not convinced.

I know it’s a lie. Bile rises in my throat at the thought that none of this is real. The feelings I have for Ben rival those I had for Jared. At the same time, though, I know I can’t fall in love with another man ever again. Love isn’t for me, and my kind of love is too tainted, too blemished to share with anyone. It would be better for everyone if I kept whatever feelings I had to myself.

“How have you been though?” he asks, steering the conversation away from more sensitive topics.

“I’ve been great,” I tell him, purposefully omitting my attempted rape. I don’t want him to worry since he has so much to worry about regarding my safety already. I can’t add one more thing to the list.

“
You looked beautiful in the pictures, though, sis.”

“
Thanks, Marsh,” I pause then ask, “How’s mom and dad?”

“They think you’
re in Amsterdam with that last postcard you sent them. They miss you still, but they’re trying to get on with life,” he informs me. “They said you’ll come back when you’re ready; they’re just glad you’re alive.”

“I hate that I’m doing this to them,”
I confess. It is a struggle everyday not to call my mom just to hear her voice, but I know I can’t. My case is still open.

“
I know you do, but until things cool off here, it has to be this way,” he advises me.

“Any news on Rick?” I question. Rick is the fucking bane of my existence right now; the reason I’m on the run; the reason being with me is a bad idea for Ben.

“Last I heard, he was working for his Dad, but it’s more like living off his riches. I haven’t seen him around much, though,” Marshall tells me.

A sick, eerie feeling sweeps over me. I remember the man I’d seen the other day but shrug it off. If Rick knew where I was, he would’ve struck already. He’s not the type to wait when it comes to me. The wind kicks up an unnerving chill and I clutch my coat tighter around me.

It’s just the wind
, I tell myself.

“How’s uh…” He trails off and I know who he wants to ask about. “Um…”

“Rachel?” I spur him on.

He releases a deep sigh. “Yeah, Rachel. How is she?”

“She’s good, dating again,” I tell him.

He goes silent and I know it hurts him. They could never get their shit together long enough to have a proper relationship. Ever since Rachel’s abortion, things have been strained between them. This minute they’re together and the next they aren’t. This minute they are neck deep into each other and the next they are at each other’s throats. It didn’t help matters when after one of their fights, Marshall got drunk and slept with one of his associates in the apartment that he’d bought for Rachel to stay in after she graduated. They are still madly in love with each other – emphasis on the mad – and I still have hope for them both.

“That’s, uh, that’s good. Jenny and I broke up–”

“Again,” I interject. This is the third time for those two.

“Whatever, smart ass,” he chides. “As I was saying, we broke up
again
. I don’t think I wanna go through the rigor of getting back together again though. I think I’ll just stay single this time.”

“Could it be? My brother is maturing? You’ve finally figured out that you don’t need pussy to be a real man, congratulations, Spaz!” I taunt. I know he’s hurting, and not from the breakup with Jenny. He’s still in love with my best friend. I just hope he gets his shit together this time to come back for her.

“Fuck you,” he spits jokingly. I love my brother…miss him terribly, too.

“
Look, I gotta go, Big Head. My calls are still being tracked. Hope your first day back at school was good,” Marshall tells me, making me smile.
My head is
not
that big.

“
It was. Thanks for asking, Marshmallow.” We hang up and for a moment I think I’m going to cry. I miss my family so much and hate that that asshole Rick and his family have made me run from them.

“Hey Sullivan,” Janelle
calls after me. “You left so soon.”

“Hey, Janelle,
I’m just distracted is all.”

Janelle is almost like my twin, if not for a darker complexion. She is short, curvy, and luscious in all the places that matter – lips, ass, breasts and legs – and has long, straight hair. Her friends call her redbone.

“You must be…with a guy like Ben Hayes on your arm. You sure do know how to pick ’em, bitch,” she says excitedly. “I saw you guys in the paper today. You look so great together.”

“Fuck, bitch, he picked me!” I laugh, giving her a high five. I always feel so much closer to my ethnicity with her around.

“He normally goes for them size zero blondes, beba,” she comments, looking at me up and down with respect. That look says that I’ve conquered yet another stereotype.

“
The paper said that you’re not his usual type and wondered if he could handle a Latina,” she chatters. “They wanna know who you are, boo. So watch out for the paparazzi, yeah?”

My scalp prickles.
Shit
. This is what Marshall is afraid of, what I am afraid of. I don’t need any more publicity, and if people dig deep enough, they’ll find out everything they want to know and blow it all out to high heaven. My safety is too important to risk.

More
than being found out, I couldn’t face Ben if he were to find out the kind of person I am before I’m ready to tell him. He said he wouldn’t leave me, but I’m not so sure. He has a good reputation and being affiliated with my past would ruin it.

A painful ache grips my chest as I think about how wrong I am for Ben. I agreed to b
e with him last night because I’d hated seeing him with that bitch Blondie. Being with him would endanger his reputation. Can I risk that and risk losing him all at once?

I rub at the pain in my chest and exhale.
“Thanks for the heads up, J.”

“
No probs, sweetie. I gotta go talk to my supervisor about my research paper. I’ll see ya.” Janelle waves to me as she leaves.

I descend the rest of the steps too wrapped up in thought. For both of our sakes, Ben is better off without me. How can I be so selfish? Ben needs someone without complications, someone with a clean past and a brighter future. What does he even see in someone like me? My birth mother’s words clang around my head like a cymbal:
“You will only ever be good on your back, you little shit.”

“Miss Beal, are you okay?” Simon asks, his brows knit in concern. How had I not seen him before?

I gasp, forcing myself back to the present. “Yes, I’m fine.” I shake my head to dispel my thoughts. “Was just thinking about the class I just had. You’re really gonna have to stop following me around, Simon.”

He smiles and I smile too.
“Mr. Hayes sent me to get you,” he says.

“
Sent you for me? Why?”

“
He would like to have lunch with you.”