Taft 2012 (16 page)
Authors: Jason Heller
Tags: #Fiction, #Satire, #Alternative History, #Political
T
he Frayed Denim and faded flannel of Allen “the Electrician” Holtz’s clothes—the same ones he always seemed to wear—carried a calming, workaday aura. Taft found himself staring down at the man’s attire, avoiding his eyes, as Allen escorted him, with Susan at his side, into the living room of the modest suburban D.C. home that had been chosen for their meeting. “A little summit or something,” a laughing Allen had assured Taft over the phone. “But, seriously, nothing fancy.”
Taft apparently had a different idea of fanciness, or the lack thereof, than Allen did. The large living room was packed from wall to wall with people. They sat and stood and even crouched in silence, each of them staring at Taft with a frozen expression of slack-jawed awe.
Then the room erupted.
“Taft!”
“Mr. President!”
“Oh my God, I can’t believe it’s him! I can’t believe it’s you!”
The miniature mob moved in, babbling with excitement. His shoulders were patted. A comely middle-aged woman in a “Draft Taft!” T-shirt stole a kiss from his cheek. Clammy palms were pressed into his own limp hand, which was too shocked to shake back.
Within seconds Taft’s muscle memory took over. He smiled that empty yet enthusiastic campaign-trail smile perfected in railcar restrooms and hotel mirrors across the continent a hundred years ago. He returned greetings and humbly parried compliments with the ease of an automaton. Several times, his eyes flicked over to the chair where Allen sat; the man’s face hovered halfway between smirking mischief and beaming pride.
“Okay, everyone, let’s give Mr. Taft some room to breathe here!” Allen got to his feet, raised his voice and hands, and quieted the crowd. “Maybe some kind soul would like to offer the man a seat?”
A loveseat immediately presented itself. Taft offered Susan a cushion, then sank down beside her. Before he’d even settled, a tray of Fulsom PizzaBombs—still in the soggy cardboard box, presumably straight out of the microwave—was shoved under his nose.
“Uh, no, thank you,” he said, waving away the tray and accepting instead a bottle of water. Already sweating due to the surprise as well as the press of bodies in the room, he took a swig—and almost spit the liquid right back out as his tongue registered a strange flavor that had no business being present. He looked at the label on the bottle: Maple Water. Truly, he thought, did the people of this age really feel it necessary to try to improve upon
water
?
“Everybody refreshed, then?” Allen strode to the center of the room. “Let’s talk Taft.”
“So, Mr. Holtz,” Taft said. “You and your associates in this Taft Party would have me run for president once again. What do you envision?”
“Mr. Taft,” said Allen, “we want to give the American people a voice to say their piece. Because God knows they don’t get to have a say with the Ds and the Rs, the way things are now.”
Taft nodded warily. “I follow you, sir.”
“The Taft Party: now there’s something the players will have to listen to, right? You’re a big man. I mean, not that you’re a big man, but, you know what I mean.”
“Indeed.”
“So we’ve been talking about a hard-hitting campaign. We’d call it the Blunt Truth campaign; we’ll be all about telling it like it is. We’ll start right off, hitting the president where he’s weakest—”
“No.”
Allen blinked. “Uh, sorry?”
“Mr. Holtz, everyone, I must make this perfectly clear. Rachel and I will run under the Taft Party banner; it seems we would be foolish to let our name march on without us, just as it would be foolish for you to try! But I have been through this wringer twice before, and we shall do it my way. And that means, first and foremost, we are not running to bring down the politicians. They can do that perfectly well themselves. No. We are running to lift up the people. We’re here to establish the Taft Party as a veritable bastion of reason and fairness in political life, because Lord knows such a bastion is needed. We’re here, as you say, to provide a voice for the good women and men of America who can’t be heard over the din of all this twenty-first-century madness. And we are here to run the sort of campaign I have always believed in: an honest test of thoughtful discourse.”
“Uh,” said Allen. “Mr. Taft, I’m probably not the person to be telling you this.” His gaze slid to Susan and back again. “But things aren’t as cut and dried as they were back in your day. The world’s a complicated place. It ain’t as black and white as all that.”
Taft wished his mustache were there to hide his sudden snarl. “You think, sir, that things were black and white in my day?” Allen looked startled. “I assure you, that was just the photography. My presidency had
every
motive and opportunity to overstep its political and moral bounds, both here and abroad. I made some decisions that I know were wrong. I made far more that may have made my job harder, and may have asked for more of a sacrifice from the country, but they were simply the right and decent things to do. Don’t patronize or preach to
me
. I don’t care if you’re from the year 20,000. I’ve still seen more of the grays of this world than you ever will. The only difference is, I don’t cloak myself in them. No, sir. If you want me as your candidate, Mr. Holtz, you shall have to allow me to run my own campaign.”
The man stuck out his hand. “Sounds like a deal.” They shook on it, and although Allen’s wiry hand was engulfed in Taft’s thick one, the man cocked an eyebrow. “But … you’ll let us suggest practical details, right?”
“Certainly, certainly,” Taft said. “What did you have in mind?”
“Well, Mr. Taft, see, I was thinking about your announcement …”
TWITTER—Jan. 17, 2012
taft2012
No sooner have I grown accustomed to the wonders of Google, I am introduced to the wizardry of Twitter! So, this is the new town square. Gree
taft2012
Well do I recall the wave of excitement that flooded the world upon the introduction of the telephone. So it surprises me not a bit that Twi
taft2012
It appears I have misunderstood the functioning of this 140-letter transmission. My apologies, readers, for the confusion! I have the hang o
taft2012
Aha. The blank spaces are to be counted as well.
taft2012
How remarkable. It is true what they say: It is harder to speak in few words than in many.
taft2012
Well, of one thing you may be assured from these awkward rhetorical fumblings: It is I, William Howard Taft, behind this faceless broadcast.
jamesjamesjames
Wait, hang on, @taft2012 is really Taft? #Taft
Robbrenner
@jamesjamesjames I think @taft2012 is just that same roleplayer who’s been doing shtick since the
President Kane
Blu-Ray came out. #Taft
njerica
@Robbrenner Hang on, @taft2012 keeps getting retweeted by @TaftPartyUSA—that might really be him! #Taft
TaftPartyUSA
To answer all the questions, yes, @taft2012 is the big man himself! Everyone follow him—there’s an announcement coming! #Taft
tunabubbles
@TaftPartyUSA Hope he’s going to announce that he finally knows how to count to 140. #Taft #Fail #TaftFail
njerica
An announcement coming from @taft2012 via @TaftPartyUSA? OMG, I don’t believe it … #Taft
Robbrenner
LOL @tunabubbles, he’s going to announce that he’s all washed up now, but he could really use a hand getting dry. #TaftFail
taft2012
I, William Howard Taft, am honored and humbled to answer the Taft Party’s call to stand in the 2012 presidential election.
taft2012
I am further honored to have Congresswoman Rachel Taft—a strong, brilliant, devoted Ohioan and American if I do say so—as my running mate.
njerica
Holy crap, it’s for real! #Taft #2012election
JudgeMatthews
@taft2012 This is amazing. Finally, we’re going to have a candidate with the right experience to be president. He’s BEEN president.
njerica
Will never forget where I was when I saw @taft2012 on TV the 1st time. Now know what old folks mean when they say that about the Challenger.
jamesjamesjames
@taft2012 @TaftPartyUSA Where do I sign up as a campaign volunteer? #Taft
SamFromChicago666
@jamesjamesjames You and me both. That man is hot stuff. About time the Oval Office held some real beefcake! #Taft
FollowTheLogicChain
@jamesjamesjames Volunteer? Don’t. It’s all bullshit. You really believe President Taft came back like King Arthur to lead us? #TaftIsAHoax
jamesjamesjames
@FollowTheLogicChain Jeez, you hoaxers really believe the govt would make UP something this insane? Sometimes reality’s weird but awesome.
FollowTheLogicChain
@jamesjamesjames Believe in your version of reality if you will. I prefer actual reality. #TaftIsAHoax
LindaBeach
@jamesjamesjames There’s a volunteer forum at
taft2012.com
! Come join us. #Taft #2012election
IanTheArtist
@SamFromChicago666 Did you know Taft was the president who had the Oval Office built in the first place? #Taft
SamFromChicago666
@IanTheArtist I did not know that.
“The president can exercise no power which cannot be fairly and reasonably traced to some specific grant of power in the Constitution or in an act of Congress. There is no vague extra power which he can exercise because it seems to him to be in the public interest.”
—
William Howard Taft, speech to the Delaware Taft Party, Feb. 22, 2012
“Substantial progress toward better things can rarely be taken without developing new evils requiring new remedies. Look at modern agriculture—companies like Fulsom have delivered affordable foodstuffs in huge quantities that can feed Americans bountifully no matter their income, yet the food is not good; it makes me queasy both digestively and morally.”
—
William Howard Taft, speech to the West Virginia Taft Party, Feb. 25, 2012
“I am in favor of helping the prosperity of all countries because, when we are all prosperous, the trade with each becomes more valuable to the other.”
—
William Howard Taft, speech to the Kansas Taft Party, March 2, 2012
“Don’t worry over what the newspapers say. I don’t; why should anyone else?”
—
William Howard Taft, speech to the Wyoming Taft Party, March 5, 2012
Transcript
,
Raw Talk with Pauline Craig
,
broadcast Feb. 16, 2012
PAULINE CRAIG: Welcome to
Raw Talk
. I’m Pauline Craig, and today I’ll be talking with some outspoken supporters of William Howard Taft’s historic reentry into presidential politics. Joining me first via satellite is Frank Lommel, former president of the United Food and Factory Workers Local 15 in Colorado and now the Midwest coordinator for the Taft Party USA. Mr. Lommel, tell us how your friends in the union have responded to the Taft Party throwing its hat into the ring for the 2012 election.
FRANK LOMMEL: Hi, Pauline, thanks for having me. Obviously, I don’t speak for the Local 15 anymore, but I’ve heard from a lot of workers who say they’re awfully interested in the Taft Party. They understand how abso-friggin’ great it is that a candidate who’s got such an incredible record of going after big, monopolistic businesses is being taken seriously by voters all across the country.
PAULINE CRAIG: Let’s talk about that. When President Taft was in the White House a hundred years ago, breaking up monopolies—busting trusts, as they called it then—was his number-one priority. But is that really the issue that faces the workforce today? Health-care costs, huge unemployment rates, no respect from the liberal elite for enrolling students in good, solid vocational training—aren’t those the workforce problems any president will have to deal with?
FRANK LOMMEL: Pauline, it all comes back to giant conglomerates that think they can act any darn way they please. If you look at the meat-processing industry, for instance, you see that there are huge numbers of low-paid immigrant workers being employed in the slaughterhouses and rendering facilities who haven’t had the freedom to unionize
because
all
the big protein companies are specifically looking to keep wages low across the board. It’s not like these poor guys can go across the street and apply for a job at a more enlightened poultry producer. So the companies are collectively engaged in the sorts of behavior that monopolies can get away with, even though they’re not technically monopolies. That’s the sort of thing we Tafties know that William Howard Taft would never stand for—not a guy who’s proven himself willing to tackle the toughest conglomerates in the nation.
PAULINE CRAIG: Big Labor. A demographic that always votes Democrat. And Frank Lommel is here on
Raw Talk
to say that a 155-year-old Republican-turned-third-party independent has at least one ex-union leader’s support. That’s something you don’t see every day.
A
lbuquerque looked like just another twinkling grid riveted into the landscape, one of dozens Taft had seen from his airplane window over the past several weeks as he’d begun to reacquaint himself with the now much quicker paced business of campaigning. Now that he’d become accustomed—or at least numb—to air travel, the whole business of looking down on the world from a six-mile height didn’t seem so unnatural. He’d even been able to enjoy and keep down a few dozen packets of delicious sweet nuts he’d been given by the fetching brunette attendant. They paired quite well, he had to admit, with the tiny bottles of whiskey he’d been steadily consuming since takeoff.