Tabula Rasa (5 page)

I woke to find Trevor standing over me with a look I couldn’t quite
translate into a coherent emotional state. Anticipatory maybe?

“I made you some dinner.”

“O-okay.” Had he poisoned it? Would this be his second murder
attempt? He looked a bit too eager.

I followed him wearily down to the second floor to find that he’d
picked wildflowers and lined the tables with them. Emergency candles
were lit on the main table where the “king and queen” were
supposed to sit.

“Cornish game hens?” I asked, looking at the small birds on the
plates, surrounded by vegetables from a can. He must have been
holding out on me with the frozen chicken nuggets.

“Actually, it’s a couple of the chickens. They were too small and
fighting a lot, so I went ahead and slaughtered them.”

I shuddered. It must have been before today because when I’d been
out by the kiddie rides, I hadn’t seen any smaller chickens running
around.

He pulled out my chair for me and then disappeared into the kitchen.
Music began to play over the sound system. It sounded like what you’d
hear at a renaissance fair, but it was probably all that was
available here. He returned a little while later with a bottle of
wine. Where had that been stashed?

“The manager kept a few bottles in his office. We swore we wouldn’t
open them except for special occasions.”

“And this is a special occasion?”

He shrugged. “Elodie, I don’t want to fight. I don’t know why
this is so hard when you don’t even remember what we were fighting
about.”

“What
were
we fighting about?”

“It’s not important.”

“No, I want to know. What were we fighting about?”

Trevor looked like he was scraping the bottom of the idea barrel for
any convenient lie to feed me. “It’s not worth upsetting you.”

“Right, because why upset me when our life is so perfect and
serene?”

He growled in frustration. “Fine. You asked for it. I got snipped
because you kept miscarrying, and it was hurting you every time you
lost a baby. So I got the snip so you wouldn’t have to keep going
through that. We had a stupid argument about something not important
that wound back around to that and how you thought I resented you or
some other bullshit. As if we’d want a baby now in all this,
anyway.”

I didn’t say anything. I just looked down at my plate and started
eating.

***

Months passed in the abandoned theme park. It felt like a combination
of camping and the aftermath of a zombie apocalypse. Things started
to become normal somehow. I started to feel stronger. Whatever may
have been wrong with me had seemed to clear up on its own with time.
The romantic dinner that night had been a turning point of sorts. It
didn’t do anything immediately to make me want to get closer to
Trevor, but oddly, time did.

The isolation of no other human companionship quickly grew to be too
much for me. Feeling or expressing anger or disdain toward him only
left me by myself with no one to talk to or seek comfort or
reassurance from. Without Trevor, I’d die out here. I didn’t
think he was going to just up and abandon me, but there is a sort of
clinging desperation that begins to take hold when your waking
reality is only one other person in the world. It was like Trevor was
the only other person still alive on the planet. It probably wasn’t
true, but it
felt
true.

Suddenly that person begins to seem almost perfect—your soul
mate—the only person you could possibly have ever ended up with
even in a sea of billions to choose from. We didn’t have much real
sexual chemistry—or at least there wasn’t any on my end. But he
was comfortable, like a favorite pair of sneakers.

Little by little the
off
feeling about him started to
dissipate, and I began to be convinced that it had only been due to
confusion brought on by my fall and the shock of waking into the
world as it now was.

His annoying traits receded into the background, and we actually
started getting along. I could see glimpses of what I must have seen
in him before the collapse. I could even see how we might have ended
up together in wedded bliss, a bliss that had seemed unthinkable as
even a minor feature of our past when I’d first opened my eyes
inside the pirate ship.

The weather turned colder, and we brought our blankets and pillows to
set up camp in the grand dining hall of the restaurant where we could
use the fireplaces to keep warm at night. It didn’t get too
incredibly cold, but it got cold enough to be uncomfortable without
the added comfort of heat.

Trevor had decided it was safer than running the heating/AC unit year
round. He wanted to give the unit a break, he’d said. Because if
that thing broke down and he couldn’t fix it with what was on hand,
we’d be fifteen levels of fucked when summer reached its zenith.

I never questioned why he seemed to do both the hunting and the
cooking, as well as the cleaning up. I asked to help, but he’d push
me away, as if he didn’t trust my involvement in the process. It
created a sort of crushing boredom, and once I’d read all the books
in the cabinet, the only thing left to do was fuck—something he
seemed quite content with.

We’d begun to do it with the frequency of rabbits—mainly because
it kept him happy—but without the procreative results.

Trevor came in loaded down with an armful of firewood and threw a few
more logs on the fires. Both fireplaces were lit. They were located
in the room such a way that we could set bedding up in the middle and
have warmth seemingly from all sides.

“There. That should last us a while.”

He joined me on the blankets. We’d created a pillow fort with all
the pillows, not only from the tower, but from the guest rooms on the
floor below it as well. We’d taken the comforters off the beds so
we could make a thick, plush mattress to lie on and cushion against
the hard floor.

“Trevor?”

“Hmmm?”

“When will we move on? Look for more people, I mean?” I felt if I
spent even one more day here, no matter how much I’d grown to care
about him, that I’d lose my fucking mind.

His eyes narrowed, and I was sure the fight was about to start again.
He seemed so insecure about the possibility of joining another group
of survivors—as if I would only stay with him as long as he was my
only option. As if I’d jump on the cock of the first new man who
dropped his pants. I didn’t understand the depth of his insecurity.
There was nothing physically repulsive about Trevor, and he had the
one thing most random men out there wouldn’t have... built-in birth
control. And given the new state of things, that made him the safest
man in my world.

Plus there was the months he’d already taken care of me, fed me,
kept me safe, kept me from going completely insane. He was
dependable. I could count on him. I knew he would protect me from
whatever hardships this barren wasteland of a world brought our way.

Though, if I couldn’t sustain a pregnancy, maybe birth control
wasn’t a worry anyway—depending on how early the pregnancies
ended. I’d never asked about that. The whole topic seemed like a
very sore subject with him, and I didn’t want to rile him up.
However either of us had once felt about it, not being able to have
kids was a blessing now.

Whatever Trevor had planned or wanted to say, he stifled behind a
grunt. Then he said, “We need to wait until it’s warmer. Not a
good idea to leave now.”

I couldn’t argue with the sensibility of that. It wasn’t as if it
dropped down into freezing arctic temperatures around here, but
depending on traveling conditions, it might be difficult to cope with
the cold at night.

Trevor’s expression shifted, and his gaze moved languidly over me.
I was wrapped loosely in the blankets, wearing only his T-shirt. He
pounced on me like a hungry jungle cat, his hands frantically roaming
over me while his mouth sought the warm invitation of mine.

He nearly ripped the T-shirt in two as he jerked it over my head and
arms, flinging the offending article of clothing far away.

He cupped my face, forcing my eyes to meet his, and asked, “Do you
love me, Elodie?”

I still couldn’t remember him or anything else from before my fall,
but if I were being honest, these long months alone with him... while
it hadn’t brought back any of the old feelings I couldn’t
remember, it had brought something new.

“I- I think I do.”

There was a loud clatter and a reverberating metal echo as something
hit the ground outside the door. My eyes widened, mirroring his. Our
movements stilled. For a moment our breath froze, then in concert it
began to move so slowly and quietly in and out of our lungs it was
almost painful. I didn’t have to ask. Trevor had forgotten to bring
up the drawbridge.

I couldn’t believe I’d ever resented him doing that at night. It
was for my protection—and his—while we slept.

Had some forest creature wandered in, looking for scraps of food and
warmth? Or was it a survivor?

Something deep inside me hoped against everything that it was another
survivor. Perhaps a group of them. I didn’t pause to consider
whether such people might be good or bad, only that they were other
humans who still existed in the world after months without knowing
for sure.

A tall figure dressed in all black filled the doorway. I pulled the
sheet up, gripping it tight against my chest. Trevor stood smoothly
and moved in front of me. He hadn’t managed to fully undress yet.
His pants were still on.

He pulled the small handgun out of his pocket. The other man reacted
immediately, drawing his own gun so fast it nearly gave me whiplash
to watch it unfold. It was a smooth, practiced move. This guy had
training. And I wasn’t convinced Trevor did.

“Please, just leave us alone,” I pleaded.

The stranger didn’t even look at me. His eyes were trained on
Trevor’s as if he could see inside his head to know his next move.
Maybe his next several moves.

Trevor wasn’t backing down. He racked the slide, but before he
could get a shot off, the other man fired several into his stomach.

“No!” I dragged the sheet and scrambled to Trevor’s side as he
dropped, clutching at him as if to keep his guts from spilling out. I
pressed the linen against his wounds, but there was too much blood
coming out of him far too quickly. He stared up at me a moment in
disbelief, and then his eyes went blank and dead while my tears
dripped onto his face.

“Trevor! No! Stay with me, don’t go.” My hand trembled as I
felt for a pulse. There was nothing. Still, I pressed the sheet
against his stomach, as if he might come back to life somehow if I
could only stop the bleeding.

“He’s gone,” the man said.

I tried not to think about the fact that I was alone in this castle
with the terrifying stranger who’d just shot and killed my husband.
My tears fell harder as I wrapped myself in the firm denial that any
of this was happening. Maybe he still had a pulse... I just hadn’t
found the vein. Maybe... maybe...

In a fairy tale, this would be the part where magic and light would
swirl around him and he’d get up, revived by the true love and
magic that somehow inexplicably existed in my tears. And we’d live
happily ever after as the castle sprang to life again. All the kudzu
would recede, the graffiti would vanish, and life as I was sure I’d
once known it would come rushing back in beautiful full bloom.

But this was a fake fairy tale castle, and my tears weren’t magic.

I grabbed Trevor’s gun with shaking hands and pointed it up at the
stranger from my position on the ground. It felt so foreign to me
that even without my memories I was sure this was the first time I’d
ever held a gun.

“Do you want to die with your lover?” the stranger asked.

Maybe I did. I couldn’t see a reason to go on now after another
thing had been taken from me. The world. My memory. My husband and
only protector. I’d thought perhaps the stranger might be reluctant
to shoot me, but staring into ice blue eyes, I knew he’d pull the
trigger without hesitation. And I knew if Trevor hadn’t been able
to shoot first, my odds were even slimmer.

“Put the gun on the ground and slide it over to me,” he said.

“Please don’t hurt me.” My hands shook so hard, even thinking
about aiming properly was pointless.

“Put the gun on the ground and slide it over to me,” he repeated.
His voice remained steady and calm.

I was sure he would shoot me if I didn’t, and I was equally sure I
didn’t have the resolve to shoot him. And if I shot him, I had no
hope of survival. That was it. I was done. I didn’t know if I had
any hope anyway, but I knew I couldn’t survive in the world as it
now was without
someone
to help me—ideally a strong male
someone. This man and whoever might be traveling with him were my
only chance.

I couldn’t believe I might have to try to beg and bargain with a
complete stranger who’d just killed the only person I could count
on. I was struck with the notion that not only did I have to find a
way to keep this man from outright killing me, I had to find a way to
get him to let me come with him, even if it was the last thing I
wanted. I was sure he was strong enough to protect me and help me
survive out here. If he wouldn’t take me with him, it would be more
merciful for him to just go ahead and shoot me, considering the
impossibility of the challenges that lay before me without Trevor.

I couldn’t even grieve. I had to figure out how to keep going. And
I wasn’t even sure I wanted to.

I laid the gun down and slid it over. The man stopped it with his
boot.

A walkie talkie crackled on. “Shannon. Are you all right? We
thought we heard gunfire.”

He took the gun from the ground, dropped the magazine and ejected a
bullet from the top of Trevor’s gun, and put the weapon in his
pocket. Then he holstered his own gun. His hands were far too steady
after killing a man for my comfort. He raised a finger slowly to his
lips to indicate that I must remain quiet. I didn’t know what else
to do but stifle my crying because I wasn’t sure what the others
with him were capable of or what he might do to me before they got
here if I didn’t comply.