Sweetheart Deal (3 page)

Don't kid yourself that the presentation will last a mere 90 minutes. Plan on 3 hours and know you'll likely need the patience of Job.

If you can, pay in cash. The interest rates on timeshare mortgage loans are typically higher than traditional mortgages.

And one particularly interesting additional fact:

If
brand-new
isn't of paramount importance, skip the developers altogether. You can buy a timeshare for a fraction of its initial value through an owner or resale site.

I'd managed to read most of the Federal Trade Commission's webpage about buying and selling timeshares as well as a sticky note on the monitor that said, simply,
Mrs. Frugalicious!!
when Frank burst into the room and closed the door behind him.

“You're feeling better?” I asked, suddenly feeling worse.

“What choice did I have?” His expression was a mixture of irritation and concern. “Why on Earth would you balk about—?”

“Committing ourselves to another piece of community property that will just need to be split up as soon as this show is over?” I whispered.

“Easily split into one week for each of us.”

“In the meantime, it's our job to give sound financial advice and bargain tips.”

“Like,
if someone offers to give you a free timeshare, sign the paperwork ASAP?
”

Before we could hash it out any further, all three kids
just happened
to appear in the lobby of the timeshare office, their camera crew trailing behind them.

“The cenotes were
awesome
!” FJ exclaimed as they joined us in Alejandro's office.

“You wouldn't believe how amazing they were,” Trent added.

“And we met another kid from Colorado there.” FJ smiled. “Liam.”

“He's Anastasia's sister's kid,” Trent said.

“And he seems really cool,” FJ said.

“Great,” I said.

“We had the best day,” Eloise said. “Like, ever.”

At least their enthusiasm, unaided or abetted by the use of cue cards, was clearly authentic. So was the cameraman's interest in Eloise—more accurately, in getting footage of Eloise in a
red-checkered
bikini top and short shorts as she sashayed across the room, plopped down on the couch, and attempted to tame her trademark Michaels curls into a ponytail.

She smiled. “Ivan says he's taking me to the beach tomorrow before the wedding.”

“He's taking all of us,” Trent said.

“Liam says he's going to tag along too,” FJ said.

“The bodysurfing is supposed to be amazing here,” Eloise said.

“I thought you hated bodysurfing,” FJ said.

“Used to,” said Eloise, who tended to despise anything athletic. “I'm broadening my horizons.”

“You're obviously enjoying yourselves,” Frank said.

“Totally,” Trent said.

“Definitely,” FJ added.

“I already love this place,” Eloise said wistfully.

“Good,” Frank said. “What if I told you we're going to be spending a lot more time vacationing here in the future?”

“Say what?” FJ asked.

Frank put his arm around my shoulder and smiled broadly for the kids and the camera.

“Your mother and I will soon be the proud owners of two glorious weeks a year here at the Hacienda de la Fortuna and a whole host of partner resorts across the globe.”

“Probably,” I added, despite the rolling camera.

three

There was no denying
the sheer beauty of what was to be the new site of our annual vacations. Given the startling turquoise ocean backdrop where Anastasia would say her I dos and the equally scenic beachfront spot where Geo sent us to shoot a pre-rehearsal segment about destination weddings, it was difficult to argue that a timeshare here was anything but a tremendous boon. Particularly when a seabird swooped in behind us and a gentle breeze rustled the scrim behind the cabana where we'd been seated to share a few tips.

Still, I couldn't help but feel more than a little railroaded.

“I really can't pretend I'm paying a good price for something that's free,” I said as we awaited Geo's cue.

“Not free, Maddie,” Frank said, finger gelling his hair. “Any perks we get while working are simply additional income. It goes on our taxes and everything.” At my
wide-eyed
look, he added, “Relax, Maddie. They're including a cash sum to cover the income tax.”

“Hmm. But if we're promoting something as a bargain for our viewers, we have to be able to stand behind the deal.”

“Sure, but without throwing off the whole production schedule in the process,” he said. “The only time they can squeeze in the signing segment now is on Saturday at the crack of dawn, before the postwedding brunch.”

“Assuming I agree to it.”

“Maddie, there's no downside.”

“Not so far.” I sighed. “I just wish I'd have known the plan so I could think about it ahead of time.”

“Welcome to reality TV,” Frank said.

“Exactly,” Geo said, appearing beside us. “Ready to roll?”

Frank nodded for both of us.

Geo said “action” and despite the beginnings of a mild tequila headache, I had no choice but smile and launch into my spiel:

“
When Anastasia told me she had her heart set on a budget destination wedding, I figured there would be little in the way of bargains or discounts. I quickly learned that opulent and outrageously priced are not necessarily synonymous—not here in beautiful Mexico, anyway.”

Frank nodded. “I sure wish we'd have thought of having our wedding at a place like Hacienda de la Fortuna. Don't you, Maddie?”

“I do,” I heard myself say as I glanced over at the Cala de la Boda, a picturesque cove bordered by mangrove trees that was reserved for weddings and other events.

I peered around the reflectors at Anastasia and her groom, Philip, who stood together in front of a second camera crew having a prearranged, but no less touching, private moment together beneath the
wrought-iron
wedding arch. Serious, graying at the temples, and usually distracted by his job as acting chief of the South Metro Denver Police, Philip looked giddy and downright boyish as he planted a kiss on Anastasia's cheek and surveyed the scene.

“I can't imagine a more romantic setting,” I added.

A golf cart with the Hacienda de la Fortuna roulette wheel logo pulled up via a
foliage-obscured
access path. Elena, the wedding planner, slid out of the passenger side and approached the happy couple complete with her clipboard,
no-nonsense
up-do
, and take-
charge stride.

“Be sure your venue comes with an onsite wedding planner,” I continued. “Her services are often included in the deal you've negotiated with the hotel, or they can be for a small additional cost. A competent wedding planner will save you big money and bigger headaches by knowing everything from the rules about getting married in their country to the best local suppliers for extras not provided by the hotel.”

I paused for a moment as a second golf cart arrived and Elena consulted with workers who began to unload the Lucite chairs Anastasia had added to her wedding package.
9
As they arranged them in key spots for the rehearsal, Anastasia's
sister-bridesmaids
appeared at the Cala de la Boda in
camera-friendly
jewel-toned
sundresses.

They were joined by the parents of the bride and groom. Behind them, two groomsmen materialized, both in Bermudas but wearing solid, bright polo shirts.

Elena—ever
camera-ready
in her brown skirt, peach
hotel-issue
blouse, and perfectly coiffed French Twist—glanced in our direction and waved us over.

“One thing's for sure,” I said, wrapping up, “the wedding planner here at the Hacienda de la Fortuna has proven to be not only invaluable, but on anything but island time …”

“Remember, everyone …” Geo announced, “just be natural.”

“I'm a little nervous,” whispered one of Anastasia's sisters—the one I'd quickly come to think of as Hair, due to her thick, lustrous, honey blond tresses.

Given the sisters had largely interchangeable names and looked like
not-quite
-perfect versions of the bride, I'd named each of them for the one feature they shared with the
all-around
-stunning Stasia.

“Forget about the cameras and focus on the beautiful occasion you've come to celebrate,” I managed before the word
action
filled the air.

Sister Number Three, Body, who shared Anastasia's flawless figure, but little of her composure, seemed to freeze. She remained that way for both takes of everyone introducing themselves.

We're Anastasia's parents.

I'm David, Phil's friend.

I'm Philip's mother and this is his stepfather …

“Who are we still missing?” The wedding planner asked, her accent somehow adding to and softening her authoritative edge.

“No one, now,” Philip said as a short, homely, balding man materialized from the footpath and joined the group.

“Everyone, this is my pal Steve. He'll be officiating.”

“Sorry folks,” he said. “I forgot to mention I was with the wedding party before I got caught up in a
high-octane
timeshare—”

“
Atención
!” Elena said, not allowing his arrival to disrupt the flow. “Bridesmaids to my left, groomsmen to my right. Immediate family, please be seated on the appropriate side of the aisle.”
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Anastasia and Philip gazed lovingly at each other while everyone fell in as requested.

Elena scanned the group, giving each and every person a thorough
twice-over
.

“Sara,” she finally said, having (admirably) memorized everyone's names.

Body took a step forward.

The other sisters seemed to nod as Elena pointed to blond handsome Dave, the groomsman, and paired them off together.

“Of course,” Hair whispered under her breath.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

Before she could answer, Elena called her given name (Susan), assigned her to Philip's brother, and motioned for me to join best man Frank.

Who I'd once thought was
my
best man.

Once the pairing off was complete, we stepped into our familiar,
time-honored
roles, following the detailed processional instructions. “Ladies, walk slowly but to the beat of the music. Once Maddie takes her place, the music will change, everyone will stand, and Anastasia and her father will start down the aisle …”

The cameras—one trained on Philip, the other on Anastasia—captured both perspectives of their final practice run, then veered onto me and then Frank, respectively, as I pretended to accept the bouquet for the ceremony
run-through
.

And Frank glanced lovingly in my direction as though blissfully reliving our own trip down the aisle.

I'd sworn to myself I wouldn't cry another tear over the circumstances that obligated us to break our
until death do us part
vow, namely his cheating, but with the combination of palpable love between the
soon-to
-
be-newlyweds
and our faux reality, my eyes began to sting.

“Marriage …” Face (Sally, by process of elimination) sighed. “If only it was half as romantic as the wedding.”

I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to will away the sudden throb at my temples while Elena detailed the particulars of the service itself, introduced the couple as husband and wife, and instructed us to begin the recessional.

The headache spread across my forehead. By the time Frank slipped his arm through mine and we made our way away from the marriage altar, I winced not only from the symbolism but from the sensation that my scalp was
shrink-wrapped
around my head.

“You two are as cute together as the bride and groom,” said an elderly woman who was part of the crowd gathered just out of disruption range to watch the wedding rehearsal shoot.

“We love you, Mr. and Mrs. Frugalicious!” said her companion, a
red-haired
woman I'd seen around the resort.

“That's me!” Frank said, leaning in to give me a kiss on the lips for our fans. “Mr. Frugalicious.”

“No cameras?” A familiar voice asked from behind me as I headed for the suite to grab an Advil or three.

I turned to find Alejandro leaning against the rails of a nearby footbridge, looking every bit as long, lean, and downright handsome as he had that morning.

“
Camera-free
moments are few and far between,” I said, feeling flushed and slightly flustered. “I was just heading to my room to get something for my headache.”

“Too many margaritas?”

“Something like that.”

“Doesn't that make me at least partially responsible?” he asked with a sympathetic but playful smile.

“There's just been a lot going on today.”

“Maybe I can save you a few minutes of rushing around,” he said, already taking me by the hand. “We have a fully stocked
first-aid
drawer in our offices.”

“I've already been enough of a bother,” I said as we headed back over to the vacation sales office. “And I'm sure you're anxious to get home to your family.”

“Not at all,” he said, opening the door. “On Fridays, I usually stay late to complete paperwork. Particularly when we've had a good week.”

“No thanks to me,” I said. “We're likely to be signing before the end of the weekend, it's just that I have a responsibility to my viewers to—”

“No explanations necessary.” He smiled. “I wasn't looking to make a profit on your deal anyway,” he said, leading me into the breakroom, where he reached into a drawer, grabbed a bottle even I could read (
Ibuprofeno),
and poured a few
into my outstretched palm. “Not financially, anyway.”

“
Gracias
,” I said.

“Thank
you,
for bringing your show down here to our resort,” he said. “If everything continues to go this well, the payoff will be even better than I imagined.”

“I can't take much, if any, credit,” I said. “My producer had her heart set on a destination wedding episode.”

“And a stunning wedding it's going to be,” he said, looking out a window that happened to overlook the Cala de la Boda, where much of the group stood finalizing the last of the details with Philip and Anastasia.

“She is going to make a beautiful bride,” I said.

“With beautiful bridesmaids,” Alejandro added.

“Anastasia's sisters are all very pretty,” I said as he led me over to the water cooler beside the front door. “Each in her own way.”

“Not as pretty as you,” he said. Our fingers touched as he handed me a cup of cool water.

“Thank you,” I managed, my cheeks suddenly on fire.

The waning light shimmered in his deep brown eyes as he led me back outside. “Maddie, I—”

“Maddie!” Frank materialized from around a stand of Tecate Cypress at exactly the key moment yet again. The clatter of equipment and voices filtered through the humid breeze from the pathway behind him.

“That's my cue, I'm afraid,” I said as Geo and some of the crew met up with Frank.

“
Buenas tardes
,” Alejandro said, greeting them all with a friendly nod that belied nothing of whatever it was that had just happened between us.

Which was …?

I couldn't help but notice that Alejandro wore a gold bracelet on his wrist, but no wedding ring to match.

“We need both of you at the rehearsal dinner in ten,” Geo said, motioning the crew to continue on toward the private dining area off the main lobby.

“No problemo,” Frank said, checking his cell phone—or rather, checking his makeup, hair, and teeth in the selfie picture mode. “Maddie, I thought you were headed back to the room before dinner started?”

“I was,” I said, “and then I ran into Alejandro …”

My cheeks still felt flushed as I stood beside a buffet table covered in brightly colored platters offering everything from enchiladas de rojos to shrimp posole.

Not as pretty as you …

“You ready to roll, Maddie?” Geo asked.

I'd assumed Alejandro's initial flirtation during our meeting, timely and flattering as it was, was simply salesmanship he was playing up for the camera …

“Maddie?”

I nodded, took a deep breath, and forced myself to focus on reality—or my TV reality, as it were—by smiling and delivering my rehearsal dinner spiel:

“The
pre-wedding
dinner provides an opportunity for the bride and groom to thank everyone involved with the wedding. In general, the guest list includes the wedding party and their dates or spouses, immediate family, and anyone else participating in the ceremony. It is customary, but not required, that you invite extended family and
out-of
-town guests.”

I plucked a giant strawberry from the top tier of a “cake” constructed entirely of fruit, took a dainty bite, chewed, and swallowed.
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