Sweet Nothing (21 page)

Avery’s eyes were wide and full of fire as she slammed my apartment door behind her and slapped her key onto the countertop while I worked to prepare her the meatloaf she’d requested for her birthday, using Quinn’s mom’s recipe.

I glanced over at the cake I’d made and used a clean dish towel to cover the sloppy icing. It wasn’t great, but stores didn’t sell strawberry shortcake birthday cakes, so I’d had to do some research online.

“Bad day, baby?” I asked, tossing my oven mitt on the counter. I leaned against the peeling Formica, folding my arms over my chest.

“Depends. Do you consider being humiliated a good thing, Josh?”

I fidgeted to stall, trying to decide how to answer. Her question sounded dangerously close to a trap. “Um … no?”

“I guess you didn’t think that over when you went to Doc Rose’s house.”

“Fuck.” I rubbed my palm along my taut jaw …
I’m going to beat that prick’s ass.

“We’re lying to each other now?”

“I didn’t lie.”

“You deliberately kept the truth from me. Omission is lying.”

“I definitely didn’t want you to find out today.” I wiped my hand on a dish towel and reached for her. “It’s not as bad as it sounds. I dropped off his book and we had a little chat. That’s it. I didn’t realize that the man was such a pussy he’d run and tell you. Especially not on your fucking birthday.”

She folded her arms over her chest, and I braced for the inevitable fight, but nothing happened. She just stared at me with disappointment in her eyes.

“Look …” I pushed from the counter and stepped in front of her. “If it makes you feel better, I’ll talk to him.”

“You’ve already talked to him. You mean you’ll apologize.”

I clenched my jaw, biting back the comments that came to mind. “No.”

“
No?
” She glared at me, yanking her hands from mine.

“I won’t apologize for fighting for what we have.”

“If you already have it, you don’t have to fight for it!” she seethed. “We’ve already talked about this, Josh. Jesus!”

I wasn’t going to back down for something so ridiculous. I had been protecting what we had by making sure Doc Rose knew I wouldn’t allow him to destroy it. She stomped into the living and I followed.

“Avery, I’m sorry if you were embarrassed. You’re right. I should have told you. But he crossed a line. I probably did him a favor. If he keeps it up, he’s going to lose his family.”

She turned, her eyes glassed over and the corners of her lips tugged down. She sniffed. “Damn you. I defended you, and he was right.”

“What?”

“We’re not kids anymore, Josh. You can’t threaten to beat someone up for eyeing your toy.”

His face twisted in disgust. “You’re not a fucking toy, Avery. I’ve never treated you like that. And he wasn’t just eyeing you, not that it makes any of his bullshit okay. He has a family. You didn’t see him smirking at me every time he was around you. He thought it was a game. You’re not a game to me. You’re my family. He may take his for granted, but I sure as fuck
don’t
.”

Avery’s bottom lip quivered. “I don’t need this.”

“You don’t need me.” I said the words without emotion, trying to stay calm, but anger surged through me. “What the
fuck
, Avery? You know what? That’s fine. I need you enough for the both of us.”

“That’s the problem,” she blurted. “You’re being irrational. You don’t think things through. This is still new, you and me, and it’s happening really fast. We need to step back for a second.”

Slipping the penny over her head, she gritted her teeth and then shoved it at me.

I felt broken, like the moment had come when I’d finally lose everything. “For my thoughts?”

“No. I don’t even want to know what you were thinking.” She set the necklace down on the coffee table.

I stared at the necklace like she’d put a poisonous snake on my table. “Avery,” I said, swallowing down the sudden panic. “You can’t … you can’t just tell me you love me and then bail at the first sign of trouble.”

She hesitated, mulling over what I’d said. I relaxed a tiny bit before she shook her head. “You wanted a girl like me, didn’t you?” she said, wiping her cheek with her wrist. “Sensible, selective, and worthy? This is what girls like me do, Josh. We pay attention to the red flags, and you are a giant fucking red flag.” She turned on her heels, slamming the door behind her.

“Fuck,” I growled. I pushed up on the edge of the coffee table, flipping it onto its side before collapsing back onto the couch and burying my face in my hands.

I’d never let anyone in like I had Avery, and now I’d let her down. I knew going to Doc Rose’s had been a dick move, and that was exactly why I hadn’t told her what I’d done. But that didn’t make it okay for her to just walk out on me. That wasn’t what love was about. At least, that’s what I thought.

I picked up the table and her necklace. I decided to try to distract myself with housework, but I kept running across things that reminded me of Avery. One of my pillows smelled like her shampoo, her razor was in the shower, her toothbrush in the holder, even the dish soap, which I changed because she preferred the green kind over the blue. I scrubbed harder and moved faster, but nothing worked. I kept thinking about the hurt in her eyes before she walked out, and guilt consumed me.

My apartment was cleaner than it had ever been, but it had never felt lonelier. Dax was sniffing at my feet, sensing something was wrong. I dug my phone from my pocket as I pushed to my feet and began pacing the floor, careful not to trip over Dax, who was anxious to get my attention. I hovered my finger over the screen, trying to decide who to call. If I called Avery and she didn’t answer, I knew I just may lose my fucking mind.

I dialed Quinn’s number instead. Being alone with my thoughts was never a good idea.

He answered after three rings.

“I fucked up, man.” I ran my hand over my messy hair and continued to pace.

He groaned, and I could tell I’d woken him. “What did ya do now, dumb fuck?” he asked during a drawn-out yawn.

“She left me. Avery fucking
left
me.”

“What?” he yelled. I could hear a female’s voice grumbling in the background.

“That Deb?”

After a scuffle, Deb’s voice was crystal clear on the other end of the line. “It better be Deb or your friend here would be two apples short of a picnic if you smell what I’m stepping in.”

I closed my eyes, keeping my voice low and even. “Please put Quinn back on the phone.”

With an exasperated sigh, there was some muffled noise before Quinn was back on the line.

“I went to the doc’s house, Quinn.”

Quinn chuckled. “You did what? Because if I heard you right, that was idiotic, brother, even for you.”

“I know,” I said, rubbing the back of my neck, pacing while I spoke. “But he’s married. His fucking wife answered the door.”

“Whoa, Josh. You need to think about this. Doc Rose’s family is none of your business. I love you, man, but you crossed the line.”

“He crossed the fucking line!” I snapped.

“Josh,” Quinn said, keeping his voice calm. “You have to trust Avery to handle it. You can’t control everything.”

“I know,” I said. My lungs weren’t getting enough oxygen, and I sat, struggling to breathe as Dax pawed at my leg.

“It’s going to be okay,” Quinn promised. “She’s mad now, but she’ll forgive you. Deb is nodding her head. She agrees with me. She loves you.”

“Yeah?” I said. I covered my face, unsure whether he was placating me or being sincere.

“Yeah, man. Get some rest. It’ll be better tomorrow.”

We hung up, and I trudged to the bedroom, falling onto the mattress fully dressed. The coils squeaked, and I groaned. Something else to remind me of Avery: her sighs when we were naked about where I was lying now. I stared at the ceiling, praying to fall asleep, and then glanced through the doorway at the hutch in the living room. I promised myself never to drink for any other purpose than entertainment, but getting just drunk enough to sleep was very fucking tempting.

I sat up and looked at the clock. Both hands were on the eleven. I looked at the hutch again and then pulled out my phone, dialing Avery’s number. It rang several times before her voicemail picked up. “Please call me back. I don’t wanna fight, I just want to … I’d like to at least apologize. You can do whatever you want with it.”

I hung up and looked at my watch for the dozenth time since she’d left. She wasn’t at work. There were very few places she could be at that time of night.

I grabbed my wallet and headed down to Corner Hole. She wasn’t going to call me back, and I couldn’t sit around and wait. After she heard what I had to say, I would give her some space, if that’s what she wanted, but I couldn’t walk away from us.

I shoved my hands deep into my jeans pockets to protect them from the crisp air, thankful for the oversize Adidas hoodie Avery loved to claim as hers on cold nights.

I hurried down the block to my car and drove straight to the bar. The door opened and closed, letting in the cold night air. The radiator rattled, struggling to keep up. I scanned the crowd, looking for a head full of long, honey-blonde hair, recalling the first night I’d seen her there. After several minutes and no sign of her, I sat at the edge of the bar and ordered a double Jack Daniels.

“You look sad,” Ginger said. “You sure?”

I hesitated and then waved her over. “It’s cold as fuck in here. Keep them coming.” The bar wasn’t that busy, but at least I was around other people. The last thing I wanted was to be alone.

I drank my shots, thanking Ginger for her generous hand as she poured. She leaned forward, pressing her ample breasts against the bar as she asked me what was wrong. I averted my gaze, assuring her everything was just the way it was supposed to be. The luck of my shiny penny had worn off. I pressed my palm against my chest, feeling the cold of the metal against my skin, keeping her close to my heart.

I ordered another round for myself and retrieved my phone from my pocket, dialing Avery’s number again.

I drank down one shot while I listened to her chipper voicemail greeting.

You’ve reached Avery Jacobs. Please leave your name, number, and a brief message, and I’ll get back to you.

After the beep, I began to ramble. “Baby, I know you’re mad at me. I deserve it, okay? I deserve for you to yell at me and be pissed, and even for you to throw your necklace at me, but I don’t deserve to get dumped. I’m a fuckup, but I can fix this. It’s what I do.” I rubbed the heel of my hand against my eye before tipping the next shot glass to my lips.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, sweetheart,” Ginger said as she shook her head and refilled my glasses.

“Bending over like that won’t get you a bigger tip,” I joked, my words sounding like my tongue was swollen against the roof of my mouth. I nodded a thanks to her and picked up another one and a half ounces of Jack, draining the contents down my throat. My heart sank as the liquor began to weigh heavily in my veins, slowing my entire thought process. “I love you, Avery. I don’t think you understand what it means when I say that to you, but I do.” I clicked to end the call, knowing that as the alcohol slowly took hold I would probably only upset her more.

I drank a third shot and peeled off my sweatshirt, feeling overheated in the small crowd. I tossed it on the bar, and Ginger rolled her eyes as she took it and hung it on a hook behind her.

“What did you do to that poor girl?” she asked as she set a tall glass filled with water in front of me.

“What’s with this shit?” I asked as I pushed it away in disgust, ignoring her question.

“You need to slow it down. There’s no way in hell I’m carrying you out of here.”

“Just throw me away with the trash,” I mumbled, feeling sorry for myself. I could have just as easily defaulted to anger, but I was the only one to blame for my situation.

Ginger shook her head, filling another shot glass. She held out her hand. “Keys.”

“What?” I said, wrinkling my nose.

“Keys,” she said, this time more firm. I dug into my pocket and pulled out thirteen cents, a piece of lint, and my car keys. She took them, and I lifted the tiny glass in thanks before tipping it back.

The night crawled along minute by painful minute with no sign of my girlfriend. I was set to wander out in the freezing cold just after midnight when a smug Doc Rose walked in.

I watched him chat up a few other men who were also stupidly overdressed for a hole-in-the-wall bar. They must have been doctors, too. He waved to them and then sat on a stool at the opposite end of the bar, checking his watch, as if he were waiting for someone.

Part of me hoped it was Avery he was waiting for; the other hoped to God it wasn’t, worried what I’d do if it was.

“You okay?” Ginger asked.

“If Avery walks in and sits next to that puke,” I said, holding myself up by the elbow. “Get me out of here before I kill him.”

“You think he’s here for her?” she asked, staring at Doc Rose.

“I’ve got all night, so I guess we’ll find out. Pour me another one.”