Sweet Home Carolina (28 page)

“Are you a hallucination? Or have you been up drinking all
night and your fuddled mind thought this would be fun?”

“You wound me, Amy. You forgot we had a date.” He found her
teakettle and filled it at the faucet, and then began looking for a mixing bowl
and spoon. “Sir Josh, if you will look in that bag beside you, you will find
plates with which to set the table. Can you do that?”

Josh tilted the Wal-Mart bag and removed the child-sized
plastic plates. “Oh, boy, X-Men!” Generously, he held up a second plate for his
sister to inspect. “Look, Lou, Dora!”

Louisa brightened and held out a chubby hand for the pink
plate. “Dora!” she confirmed.

“They have to be washed first,” Amy warned, setting her
daughter down, then lifting Josh from the counter.

Zack tried very hard not to watch as the child’s weight
dragged the pajama top down her breasts, but he was a man, and she was very
much a woman, and her lovely curves made him sigh in gratitude.

“I like your hair that way,” he murmured once the children
grabbed their prizes and ran off — apparently to wash them in the tub. “It is
all sexy and curly, as if you just rose from your pillow.”

She ran her fingers through the rumpled layers, and from her
expression, he assumed she was deciding whether to bark, bite, or bait him. Holding
the discovered bowl and spoon, he leaned over to kiss her nose before she could
do any of them.

“I have not done this in a long time,” he whispered. “Let me
see if I remember how.”

She blinked in surprise and warily stepped out of reach.
“Why are you doing this now? And what exactly is it that you are doing?”

“Always the practical American.” He waved his spoon in
despair, then added flour to his bowl. “A European woman, now, would smile
mysteriously, kiss my cheek, and wiggle sexily toward the bedroom, where she would
change into something both frothy and erotic before returning with an ice cold
bottle of champagne for us to share.”

A broad smile reluctantly transformed her face. “European
women keep chilled champagne in their bedrooms?”

When he reached into the apparently bottomless grocery bag
to produce the champagne, she burst into laughter. “You are
insane
! I am employed by a madman.
Perfect, absolutely perfect. I think I’ll go find something ‘frothy’ to put on.
That way, when Louisa throws up again, I’ll be dressed for it.”

Trailing gales of laughter — or hysteria, depending on how
sleep-deprived she was — Amy ran up the stairs to her loft bedroom.

Zack straightened his shoulders and attacked the crepe
batter. He thought that had gone rather well. She hadn’t thrown him out, and he
hadn’t run in panic at the heart-wrenching sight of mother and children in
Sunday morning dishabille.

* * *

“I promised to come get them,” Jo reminded Amy over the
phone line. “If Louisa isn’t running a fever, she should be fine. You’re
entitled to some time off, and it sounds like Zack is working hard for his
reward.”

Amy could hear her sister’s grin. Instead of laughing,
though, Amy was freaking out.

She wasn’t used to having a man in her
kitchen
— much less one who could produce devastatingly delicious
raspberry cheese crepes, then clean up after himself.

She wasn’t used to a man who had a gleam in his eye when he
looked at her, to match the glitter in his earring when he tilted his head to
listen to a child’s prattle. Zack was wearing an old frayed dress shirt and
jeans, and he still looked like a modern pirate. His looks stole her breath,
but his gentleness with her children was in danger of stealing her heart, and
she simply couldn’t afford the loss.

She’d had a brief moment of hope when Louisa had turned pale
over breakfast and declared she was about to throw up again. Zack had turned
equally pale and froze in the middle of a silly song involving geese and
unfriendly ducklings. She’d thought he’d excuse himself and flee when she hastily
hauled Louisa to the commode.

Instead, he’d arrived minutes later carrying a warm
washcloth and had taken Louisa into his strong arms, relieving Amy’s aching
ones.

She’d wanted to cry with the realization that real men were
amazingly masculine when they did gentle things with their big competent hands.
Real men didn’t have to bully and intimidate to be macho. That’s when panic had
set in.

“Another time, Jo,” she told her sister. “I don’t want you
exposing the boys if she has a bug, and you have to guard your voice if you’re
going to Nashville next weekend.”

After finally talking Jo out of babysitting, Amy hung up the
phone to find Zack holding Louisa and watching Amy curiously.

“Did you wish to take them to church this morning?” he asked
without inflection. “She really didn’t throw up. She’s just frightened she
will.”

Amy didn’t hear condemnation in his voice for her having
turned down this opportunity she’d given him every right to expect, and after
he’d been so wonderful and understanding, too.

She’d made no promises. She didn’t have to apologize or
explain. She knew that if she went to bed with this man, he’d have her heart in
his hands. She simply wasn’t modern enough to have sex without a relationship,
so she might as well establish the parameters now. She had to think of her
children first.

Elise had reminded her that no man was ever this wonderful
once he had what he wanted. Yet the longer she knew Zack, the more she wanted
to be with him — at the mill, at home…in bed. She was on rocky ground here.

For the sake of the children, she had to resist Zack’s
appeal. It wasn’t as if he’d made any pretense that he intended to hang around
for the long term, and not only did the kids not deserve that kind of
heartbreak again, they didn’t need to see their mother fall apart at the seams
just when she was getting her act together.

She shook her head regretfully. “No, I think Louisa needs to
stay home and be quiet for a while,” she murmured. He really was the kind of
man she’d love to love, had there been any chance that he wanted what she did. But
he didn’t. “You can go, if you like. I really appreciate breakfast. I was
exhausted.”

He nodded as if he understood. “It is harder to see them ill
than it is to go without sleep. It is not something I am eager to repeat soon.
You are a very brave, strong woman.”

Repeat? Amy brushed her hair out of her eyes and shook her
head at this over-the-top flattery. At least he was honest about not wanting to
be around sick children, although she had to wonder where he’d gained his
experience. He’d said he wasn’t married, and he’d mentioned no children — but
something in his regretful look said otherwise.

That was what dating was about — getting to know each other.
Except she knew in her bones that getting to know this man would be a dangerous
step in the wrong direction.

“She ate too many green apples,” she said, giving him time
to offer answers before she had to ask the questions popping to mind. “It was
hardly a life threatening situation. Parents get used to it.”

“Not all parents,” he murmured, returning Louisa to her.
“And you can never know for certain that it is just green apples. We would have
lost Danielle to meningitis if the doctor had not finally realized it was more
than a cold bug. Any illness can be life threatening at that age.”

Danielle
? The name
opened a door to an intimacy that she’d tried to avoid, shattering her shield
of denial. Zack fit the image of carefree bachelor so easily. Only — except for
his reaction last night — he had acted like a parent from the moment he’d seen
Louisa. Amy’s soft heart responded instantly, wondering if he’d suffered a
disastrous divorce, if he missed his daughter, or worse yet….

She hugged a sleepy Louisa tighter and studied the pain in
his dark eyes. She knew at once that he’d lost a child. Had that been why he’d
withdrawn last night? It broke her heart just imagining a father’s anguish at
losing a child. Had his wife taken their daughter away?

“But she survived the illness, didn’t she?” she asked,
dropping all her sorry defenses in a need to reach out to him.

Zack’s smile disappeared and his eyes wrinkled in weariness.
“Yes, with proper treatment, I got to keep her for another year.”

She knew she shouldn’t ask. She knew exchanging private
thoughts would break down any barrier remaining. Zack obviously wasn’t one to
talk of losses, but that kind of pain shouldn’t be pent up and buried beneath a
layer so fragile as smiles and charm. Like a festering boil, it needed to be
lanced and drained if he was to heal. It wasn’t her duty to heal him, but she
couldn’t bear to watch him suffer. “What happened?” she whispered.

He shrugged carelessly. “I married too young. Gabrielle was
even less mature, and I indulged her too much. And then, when it was not
expedient to indulge her, I expected her to grow up. That was very stupid and
arrogant of me.” His voice broke, and a corner of his mouth slanted upward in a
self-deprecating smile.

That explained nothing. She wanted to smack him for his
evasiveness, but men despised letting people see their pain.

Just knowing he’d been married before, knowing his wife’s
name, was difficult. She should back off now, let him throw up the charming
barrier he used to prevent anyone from getting close. If she started removing
the barrier, brick by brick.… She hesitated, knowing she teetered on a
dangerous brink.

Elise would tell her to back off, to not get mixed up in his
problems, but she wasn’t Elise. She needed to see the man behind the charm. She
abruptly realized this was why she couldn’t relate intimately with this fascinating
man — he was holding her to the same distance as she held him.

If she pushed for more now, it would be admitting that she
wanted the distance eliminated.

“How old were you?” she asked, throwing him an easy question
that didn’t commit either of them. Yet.

She thought he wouldn’t reply. He strolled into her crowded
living room and gazed out the enormous windows to the street below.

But instead of retreating behind his usual cheerfulness, he
stuffed his hands into his back pockets and, not looking at her, began to
speak. “I was old enough, but I should have given Gabrielle more time to
experience life. One does not consider these things when a woman carries your
child. We married in college and were deliriously happy. Danielle was the love
of our lives.”

She could hear the adoration behind the pain. Tears lined
her eyes. She had known this man hid layers of depth she’d barely glimpsed. She
could hear the passion and devotion crying out from the bottom of a deep well
where he’d buried them. He must have suffered horribly to bury a character as
strong as his. And she could no longer resist removing the next brick in the
wall.

“Children change us,” she whispered in agreement.

He nodded and finally turned to look at her. Grief carved
lines beside his eyes, but his chiseled lips tilted in self-mockery as he
studied Louisa’s golden curls on her shoulder.

“Our daughter did not change me enough. I have always been
too ambitious, too centered on my own concerns. It was our anniversary. We were
to have a lovely vacation in the Italian Alps. We were in Florence, an amazing
city. You must see it sometime.”

Amy would give half her teeth to see Italy. She merely
nodded agreement.

“I was just starting my software business. I had an
important prospect who was running late. He asked me to wait until the next day
to meet with him. Gabrielle had spent the day packing and was all excited. She
loved the Alps. Danielle looked adorable in her new ski suit.”

His anguish revealed the ghost of a man whose life had been
destroyed. Amy suspected he never let anyone see this man who knew what it was
to lose everything. She wanted to take him in her arms and tell him…. What?
There was nothing she could say that he hadn’t already heard. Her heart ached
for him.

He managed a short careless shrug that no longer rang true.
She understood better than she had that he wasn’t a careless man, nor a
thoughtless one.

“We argued. Gabrielle wished us to leave right then. We had
a babysitter waiting and a romantic dinner planned. I told her business was
more important. That was no doubt the stupidest thing I have ever said.”

Amy leaned her head against Louisa’s. “No, it isn’t,” she
murmured. Louisa had fallen back to sleep. “You were planning for their
futures, and that was very important to you.”

That was the excuse she had given for Evan’s behavior for
years. In Zack’s case, it might actually be true. Still, it was another bad
sign.

Zack smiled briefly as he approached to cup Louisa’s head,
perhaps looking for an anchor against what he had to say next. “You’re too
kind. Gabrielle’s feelings were hurt, and she could be quite stubborn. It was
convenient for me to overlook that. Any other time, I would have found some
pleasant entertainment to distract her from the disappointment and promised her
the moon if she waited. But I was too busy.” He said the last in a tone of self-disgust.

Amy touched his bare arm, aware of the crackles of
electricity between them. His words had to be said before they could proceed
further. She waited silently, expectantly.

He dipped his head in acknowledgment. Pain tightened the
muscles of his jaw. “When I returned to work, she took our car and our daughter
and headed for the Alps on her own. The weather turned poor. The car was not
designed for icy conditions. Perhaps the angels deserted them, I do not know. A
moment was all it took. I should have been with them.”

Tears streamed down Amy’s cheeks. She heard his resignation,
knew he thought the angels had deserted him as well. And he’d spent these last
years going to hell to prove it. She shook her head, but words could not come.
There were no words for such devastation. It was obvious he’d loved them both
deeply. The way he stared down at Louisa proved he still had the capacity to
care, though he worked hard to hide the fact. His deliberate nonchalance
wouldn’t wash with her ever again.