Sweet Evil (25 page)
Authors: Wendy Higgins
“He shouldn’t say that to you. It’s still a big deal, whether you’re a virgin or not. Don’t do anything with him out of guilt.”
“I’m not. I mean, he’s not trying to be mean or anything. He told me... he loves me.”
I’d tried telling her when they first got together that he gave me a bad feeling, but she seemed determined not to see it. And now he was telling her he loved her when he’d never shown an ounce of pink emotion in her presence. I tried to keep the upset feelings out of my voice.
“Those are just words, Roni. If he loves you he’ll show it by waiting.”
“Yeah, right—how long did you make Kaidan wait?”
I rubbed at a smudge of polish on the skin inside my toe.
“We never did it. We just kissed and stuff.”
“Seriously?” She blinked at me and I took the polish from her, twisting the cap back on so it wouldn’t spill on her ivory carpet. “So you’re still a virgin, then?”
“Yes. Contrary to popular belief.”
Her eyes lifted to her childhood collection of unicorn statues on a shelf.
“Sometimes I wish I still was. Not something you can take back, though.”
She pushed her thick hair behind her ear. Her bob had grown down to her shoulders and was now dyed black with one purple streak in front. She cleared her throat and straightened her legs.
“You’re, like, religious, right?” she asked.
“Yes.”
She began giving off strong gray vibes of mixed negative feelings. I pretended to focus on my own toes still, giving her a moment to collect her thoughts.
“Do you think badly of me?” she asked. “I mean, about all that stuff last year?”
I looked at her, confused. “What stuff?”
“You know.” She pulled at a strand of carpet. “The abortion.”
My heart stammered. I remembered vaguely how the rumor mill had been going at the beginning of our sophomore year about someone getting an abortion, but I never poked around for details.
“I don’t think badly of you, Roni.”
Her relief was immediate.
“My dad made me,” she said, swallowing. Veronica was a toughie, not a crier like me, but she was fighting tears.
“She would be five months old now.”
“She?” I whispered.
She shrugged. “It was always a girl when I dreamed. It’s not like I wanted a baby, but... I don’t know. My dad went ballistic. He went to Mike’s parents and they all ganged up to make us stop seeing each other. Of course, Mike had a new girlfriend like that—” She snapped her fingers. “But anyway. The worst part was the day we went to the clinic. There were these people outside.”
Her colors darkened again.
“Protesters?” I asked.
“Yeah. They had signs with pictures and I tried to ignore them, but this one lady spit on me when I walked past. I remember exactly what she said, too. She said, ‘You’re a murderer—you’ll burn in hell for this.’”
I pushed Veronica’s black-and-gray swirls of guilt, anger, and fear away from me because I was dealing with my own and it was too much. My chest tightened and my voice was thick.
“She shouldn’t have said that to you. It was wrong. People are supposed to love and help one another, not judge. She doesn’t know your heart.”
Veronica let me take her hand. Our arms dangled between us, connected at the fingers. She still stared at her toes, but the darkness around her slowly receded.
I
could not believe I’d let the tag-team duo of Jay and Veronica guilt-trip me into going to this Halloween party. It was the first time I’d gone out since the night I’d met the other Neph. Four bands were headlining tonight. Lascivious was not playing, but I knew Kaidan would be there. He’d given Jay the invite. My body tensed just thinking about it.
Jay, Veronica, and I walked through a sea of cars into a giant clearing filled with hundreds of rowdy people. It was a field party with a makeshift stage for the bands. We settled ourselves on the outskirts of the crowd, near the border of the forest.
There was a crazed buzz in the air—everyone in costume. I watched a caveman throw Wonder Woman over his shoulder as she screamed in delight. A robot was helping an alien do a beer bong on one side of us, while some Pokémon characters did a keg stand on the other side. A huge crowd was jumping and moshing in front of the stage.
I wondered what kind of sexy getup Kaidan would be wearing. Maybe Adam in a loincloth? And who would be his Eve tonight? Blech.
This was a terrible idea.
I smoothed down the snug black Lycra dress I wore. At least it was long-sleeved and flowed down to my ankles. I think it was a costume of Veronica’s from when she was in middle school. She swore it wasn’t too tight on me. She had no qualms about lying.
My face, neck, and hands were painted green. I doctored up a fake wart with some bubble gum and put it on my nose, much to Veronica’s dismay. I wore a ratty black wig and a pointy black hat.
Veronica was a seductive Minnie Mouse in red and white polka dots. Jay was a pirate with an eye patch and a freaky fake parrot sitting crookedly on his shoulder.
I stood with my arms crossed, scanning the crowd. My eyes halted on a very tall gorilla looking in our direction. He bore a red badge on his furry chest. I had no idea how long we stared at each other, unmoving, before I lifted one hand in a wave.
“Who are you waving at?” Veronica asked me.
“Um, that big monkey. I think he’s staring at... us.”
And at that moment, the gorilla lifted an arm and scratched his armpit. The silly gesture filled me with a rush of joy. But I wasn’t going to him.
I faced my friends, chewing my thumbnail.
Please come over.
When I glanced again, he was walking our way.
Yes!
My pulse went erratic.
Veronica giggled when he approached, but she shut up when he took off the gorilla head and shook out his sweat-dampened hair. From the corner of my eye, I saw her white polka dots cover over in bright red. I wasn’t going to lie; it annoyed me, though I could hardly blame her. I was thankful when he turned to Jay.
“Arrgh, matey,” Kaidan said.
“What’s up, man?” Jay reached out and they slapped palms, then grasped hands for a second.
“I’ve got a joke for you,” Kaidan told him. Jay nodded his head, ready. “What’s the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?”
“I don’t know. What?” Jay beamed bright yellow.
“A savings bond matures and eventually makes money.”
They did some big, barreling boy laughing, slapping hands again. While they were distracted, Veronica cocked her head toward Kaidan and raised an eyebrow at me. I shook my head and she eyed me, unbelieving. Her colors had settled down now. Kaidan looked back over at us girls.
“This is my friend Veronica,” I told him. “And this is Kaidan.”
“Oh, I’ve heard all about you.” Veronica gave him a big smile.
His brow elevated, but he didn’t take the bait. Instead, he stared at me funny. “Nice wart.” Leaning forward without touching me, he flicked the wart from the tip of my nose.
Veronica let out a loud cackle, proving she should be the one in my costume.
“I told you it was stupid!” She gloated.
With my pointer finger, I moved the paint around my nose to fill in the blank spot. When I finished, he was still watching me.
“Your hair’s grown a lot,” I said to him.
“So has your bottom.”
My eyes rounded and blood rushed to my face. Veronica hooted with hilarity, bending at the waist. Even Jay let out a loud snicker, the traitor.
I wished Kaidan weren’t so perceptive, but it was true. The feminine curves that had always eluded me were finally making an appearance. Stupid tight dress.
“Dude, you can get away with anything,” said the pirate to the straight-faced ape.
“I meant it as a compliment.”
“That was awesome.” Veronica grabbed Jay by the hand. “Come on. Let’s go find me a drink.”
She winked at me as they ambled away. I gave my attention to the dry, trampled grass and scattered cans for a moment before working up the nerve to say something.
“My dad gave me a cell phone.” And a car. And a ton of money.
Kaidan set the ape head on the ground and pulled his phone from a fuzzy pocket, blowing off brown lint. Then he held his furry thumbs above the buttons and nodded at me. I started to give him my number, but his brow creased in frustration with the big, costumed hands.
“Here,” I said, taking his phone. Saving my number for him gave me a thrill.
He pocketed the cell again and looked at me with curiosity. “How did things go with your father and the training?”
“It went fine. I guess.” I crossed my arms. “I know my drinking limits now and all that.”
He nodded, examining me. I thought I’d feel inconspicuous and hidden in the safety of a costume, but instead I wished I weren’t green. My eyes scouted the crowd. I expected to see the dark shadows of whisperers at any moment, which hastened my need to be frank with Kaidan.
“I understand what you meant now about the dangers of... being together.” I stepped closer. “I didn’t get it then, Kai, but I do now.”
Music started playing, and he shifted toward the stage so he wasn’t quite facing me. His head moved with the beat of the song, and I wondered whether he realized he was doing it.
“I know it’s risky to see each other,” I went on, steady. “But we could talk on the phone when your father’s not around. If you wanted.”
I braced myself, waiting for his reaction. Hoping.
“That’s not a good idea,” he said, watching the band.
I worried I’d pushed him too far, been too open. Panic rose inside me. Any second now he would start shutting down, and this conversation would be over. I had so much I wanted to say.
Screams came from a group of people nearby. A guy dressed as Yoda was spraying beer from the keg tap at the crowd. Kaidan watched them while I took a step closer. Inches separated us now.
“I think about our trip all the time,” I whispered. He continued to watch the group as they wrestled Yoda to the ground. “Do you ever think about it?”
His eyes roamed over the crowd as he responded. “Sometimes.”
He was pushing me away. My alarm rose to the next level. I grabbed two handfuls of fur from his gorilla chest, wanting him to look at me, but he wouldn’t.
I swallowed my emotions, not letting go. “Why did you invite Jay to this party?”
“I don’t know,” he said.
I gripped the fur tighter, pulling down.
“I can’t keep living like this, Kai. I need to know how you feel. I need to know one way or another so I can have some sort of closure.”
“I thought you’d be over it by now.” When he finally cast his severe gaze down at me, I wanted to pound his chest.
“It doesn’t work like that,” I told him.
He held my eyes and said nothing more. So that was how it was going to be. Fine. I let go of his costume and stepped back. It was dark outside now. Two fire pits were lit, and the flames mocked me with their trippy dance. Smoke drifted our way, thick and choking.
“Don’t invite Jay to any more parties, Kaidan. If there’s even the slightest chance you’ll be there somewhere, I’m not going. It hurts too much to see you.”
“So why did you come?” he asked with little interest.
Why, indeed? The weight of the wig and hat became too much. I pulled them off and let them drop, matted hair falling across my shoulders. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say.
His mouth opened as he registered my chopped, lighter hair, but he quickly shut it.
“You should go then,” he said, voice low.
Stupefied, I nodded in agreement. It was over. He wouldn’t open up to me, tonight or ever. It hurt to see his stubborn, hard expression of indifference. I couldn’t bring myself to say good-bye as I turned away, going in no particular direction.
Don’t turn back around
, I ordered myself.
I had no clue which way my friends had gone.
“Wait,” Kaidan called from behind me. I squeezed my eyes shut for a second, but kept walking. Then I felt his hand around my wrist, spinning me in a half circle and pulling me to his chest. His face was so close. He reached down and cupped my face with one woolly hand, and wiped the top corner of my lip hard with his thumb. I flinched back.
“What are you doing?”
“I...” He appeared to have no idea himself. “I wanted to see your freckle.”
A vulnerable tenderness flashed across his face, more painful to see than the coldness. It took every ounce of strength I had not to beg for one last kiss. As fast as his expression had softened, it was back to stone again.
“What do you want from me, Kai?”
“For starters?” His voice lowered to sexy, dangerous depths. “I want to introduce myself to every freckle on your body.”
A powerful shiver ripped through me.
“So, just something physical, then?” I clarified. “That’s all you want?”
“Tell me you hate me,” he demanded. I felt the air of his words against my face.
“But I don’t hate you. I couldn’t.”
“You could,” he assured me, pulling me tighter. “And you should.”
“I’m letting you go.” My voice shook. “But only because I have to. I need to move on with my life, but I’ll never hate you.”
“The one who got away,” Kaidan murmured.
“Nobody got away,” I corrected him. “And so help me, if you start comparing us to an unfinished game that went into overtime—”
He released me and I stumbled back a step. I had to get away before I started clinging and begging him to admit his feelings, whatever they might have been. It was necessary to rip off this Band-Aid, and fast. So, as I’d done at the airport, I walked away from him, dragging my heart behind me. I didn’t look back. Game over.
I
’d seen people with depression. I’d been bowled over by the hopelessness that sank the air around them. Murky storm clouds as heavy as sandbags.
I carried around a gloomy cloud of my own after Halloween. It was far worse than when I’d returned from California. Each day I tried to rein it in, reminding myself there was always hope. Hope for the earth, hope for humanity. Just not hope for Kaidan and me.
I dealt with the pain by shutting down. The more time asleep, the better. I missed school a few times, just to lie in bed. Failed a major test. Lost weight. But I knew time would heal the ache, and everything would be okay. I could move on. I would come back to life. Eventually. But not yet.
Patti made my favorite things on Thanksgiving: sweet potatoes with marshmallows, corn pudding, key lime pie. I knew the spectacular spread was meant to lure me out of my hole. It was just the two of us. On past Thanksgiving mornings we’d worked the food bank, and then celebrated dinner with Patti’s church friends, but we couldn’t be caught doing those things now.
Patti chattered away about nothing, placing a heaping plate in front of me. She tried to fake it, but she wasn’t happy these days either. I watched her cut a slice of turkey and take a bite.
“Anna, please eat.”
“I’m not very hungry.”
“That’s because your stomach’s wilted away to nothing.”
I busied my mouth by taking a sip of water.
“That’s it.” Patti threw her napkin on the table. “I’m calling Kaidan. I know this has something to do with him.”
Her words poked me to life. “No!”
“Then I need you to pull yourself out of this,” she said. “It’s gone on long enough. For goodness’ sake, Anna! If I thought medication would work for you, I’d have taken you to the doctor already. You can’t give up. You have to continue putting effort into everything, especially school.”
“School is...” I couldn’t even form a coherent sentence.
“School is still important,” Patti insisted. “And so are you. There’s no floating through life; you have to stay alert. Your life has a purpose. Whether you’re called on to fulfill that purpose today or when you’re a hundred, you’ve got to be a productive part of society between now and then! Do you think I’m going to let you lie in bed for the next however many years?”
I shook my head. She was right. I had needed the past month to mourn, but it was time to try to get back to my life.
I eyed my plate and took a small, tentative bite of sweet potatoes. Flavors and scents brought back strong memories. The rich sweetness filled me with a longing for the love and comfort of my childhood. When I looked up at Patti, tears were leaving warm trails down my face.
“I’m sorry, Patti.”
“Sweet girl.” She choked up and came to me. As we hugged and cried together, I let myself feel all of the things I’d been avoiding. It was more than the insecurity of never knowing how Kaidan felt. It was about the unfairness of life as a Neph.
When I was growing up, Patti and I had done this thing every Thanksgiving where we’d take turns going back and forth saying what we were thankful for. Each time it became a longer competition, neither of us wanting to be last. It came down to the silliest details, ending up in fits of laughter. As we clung to each other now, I couldn’t help but be thankful for her.
I walked to the parking lot with Veronica and Jay on our last day of school before Christmas break. A cool wind blew, and I zipped up my jacket. We’d been taking turns driving to school. Today was Jay’s day.
He unlocked the passenger door from the outside and yanked it open with a creak. I wrestled with the lever to lean the passenger seat forward. It finally popped and the seat flew into the dashboard. I climbed into the back. I wasn’t sure when the switch had happened: me in the back and Veronica in the front.
As the line of cars crept out of the parking lot, we passed Kaylah and her group of friends. Kaylah wiggled her fingers at Jay and he lifted one hand from the steering wheel.
“You still like her or something?” Veronica asked. Green slipped out around her.
“Nah,” he said.
I looked back and forth between the two of them. Huh. When had
that
started?
I’d been obtuse when it came to my friends. That made me feel bad.
I leaned forward as much as the seat belt would allow. “Hey, guys? Can we hang out over break?” I asked.
Joyful relief poured into their auras, stabbing me with guilt.
“’Bout time.” Jay caught my eye in the rearview mirror.
“Yeah. Your toes are probably lookin’ shabby,” Veronica said.
“I’m sorry I’ve been so, you know, out of it.”
They were both quiet, glancing at each other as if drawing mental straws to see who would get to address the issue. Veronica lost.
“What happened on Halloween?” she asked.
“Kaidan and I agreed never to see each other again.”
“That kid totally messes with your head,” Veronica said. “I don’t like it.”
“Well, it’s officially over, and I’m ready to move on with my life, so yeah.”
Veronica sighed. “Some things just aren’t meant to be.”
I lifted my feet from the cluttered floor and curled them under me, making myself smaller in the backseat.
“Everything’s gonna be okay,” Jay said.
I swallowed hard and nodded at him in the mirror.
Christmas had come and gone with hardly a blip on my emotional radar. I half expected my father to call, but he didn’t. I wondered about him as much as I wondered about Kaidan.
A few days before the New Year I went to the mall with Veronica. Most of my winter clothes didn’t fit well and I needed a dress for the New Year’s party. Veronica loved shopping with me, because I let her pick out all my clothes, only now and then nixing something. But she figured out what I would and would not wear. I had cool clothes for the first time, and I liked how it made her feel good to see me dressed in outfits she’d chosen.
We went straight to her favorite store with the dimmed lighting and pop music blaring from speakers overhead. She sorted with expert speed through racks of shirts, clanging hangers as she went.
“Do you think Jay’s cute?” she asked. Her eyes concentrated on the clothes as if nothing were amiss, but her colors were going haywire.
“Um...” I had to proceed with caution. “Yeah, I’ve always thought he was a cute guy, but I’ve never had feelings for him or anything like that. Why? Do
you
think he’s cute?”
“No.” She stopped sliding hangers and looked at me. “I think he’s hot.”
We stared at each other for a second, and then we both started laughing, relieved to have it out in the open.
Jay and Gregory met us in the food court. I nibbled on a soft pretzel while the others had pizza. Jay and Veronica were flirting so much that Gregory rolled his eyes at me. We were throwing away our trash when Jay lifted the bill of his ball cap to peer across the food court.
“I’ve seen that dude before,” he said. “Where do I know him from?”
“Who? Where?” Veronica asked. Jay pointed him out.
Through all of the moving people there was a lone man next to the ice-cream stand, watching me. His skin was a smooth dark brown. His hair had grown into a poofy, short Afro.
“It’s Kopano,” I whispered, heart in my throat.
“You know him?” Veronica asked. “He’s, like, a
man
.”
She was right. Kope couldn’t be mistaken for a boy. He must have been nineteen or twenty, just a few years older than us, but he was so serious. Manly.
What was he doing here?
“I’m gonna go talk to him,” I told them. “I’ll meet you guys back here in half an hour.”
I stopped a few feet from Kopano, hands clasped behind my back. My pulse remained at a steady high as his eyes held me.
“Is everything okay?” I asked.
“Everything is well. I hope I have not frightened you.” His gentle tone never faltered, and I wondered whether he’d ever raised his voice. How deep was his hidden wrath, and what would it take to unleash it? The thought prickled the back of my neck.
I tilted my head toward the corridor of shops. “Wanna walk with me?” I asked.
Kopano came to my side, and we moved together into the stream of shoppers who became like background noise as I concentrated on him. I was patient, hoping he would explain why he’d come.
“How have you been?” he asked.
“It was a rough semester, to be honest, but I’m doing better.”
He nodded down at the polished floor in front of us.
“How about you?” I asked.
Keeping his eyes straight down, he answered, “I have thought of you often since the summer.”
Heat tore through me at his blunt openness. My hands tingled. I had no idea how to respond.
We came to an open area where Santa’s shop had resided a few days prior. It was now naked in its emptiness except for a fountain with a thick marble ledge around it, where we sat together. Kopano stared down at the water, full of copper and silver coins on the bottom from years’ worth of wishes.
“The twins arrive tomorrow for a visit,” he explained. “They fly into Atlanta, and Marna requested me to come.”
“Oh,” I said, realizing he hadn’t come to Atlanta for the sole reason of seeing me. My initial reaction was relief that I wouldn’t have to deal with a complicated situation. But disappointment followed on its heels. It wasn’t fair to feel let down, since Kaidan still ruled my heart, but I did nonetheless. Maybe because I knew I could never be with Kai.
“I arrived early, hoping to see you,” he continued. “I went to your home, but your mother told me you were here.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t call me.” I pulled out my phone and rolled my eyes with embarrassment. “I guess it helps when I turn it on.”
He flashed me that dimpled smile, which set my inner butterflies aflutter, as always. I peered down at my phone.
“Do you have a cell?” I asked.
He took out his phone and we exchanged numbers.
A loud group of boys were passing through the court, jeering at one another and roughhousing. When I spotted Scott among them, I moved fast, angling my body away from their group and tilting my head so my hair would shield my face.
“You know them,” he stated.
“Some of them are from my school.” I said no more, but tension filled the space between us.
“One of them has hurt you.”
Was it that obvious, even with my colors hidden? I raised my head now that the boys’ backs were to us.
“There was an incident this summer,” I said.
He watched me with expectancy, so I told him a brief version of the story, keeping my head down. When I finished and looked up, my heart faltered. Kope was a display of barely contained rage as he stared in the direction Scott and his friends had gone. His nostrils flared and his mouth was taut.
“Kope?” I whispered.
No response. Sudden fright struck me as I imagined him flipping out and going after Scott. I spoke in the calm, gentle voice he always used with me.
“Kope, look at me.” His chest rose and fell with rapid breaths. I reached out and laid a hand on his forearm, half-afraid he might lash out at me in his daze. He jolted at my touch, bringing his eyes to mine. For one second longer his wrath steamed below the surface, and then he closed his eyes. I didn’t know whether he was counting to ten or praying, but whatever he did worked. When he opened his eyes again the fury was gone.
“I am sorry, Anna. I do not want you to fear me. I would never hurt you.”
“I know,” I whispered, though I was still shaken. “It’s okay, Kope. And that whole situation with Scott is in the past. I dealt with him and let go of my anger. It’s over.”
He gave a tight nod, his gaze landing on a couple coming out of the jewelry shop, holding hands.
“What do you envision for your future, Anna?”
His abrupt question struck a nerve in me. It was the same question I’d been asking myself for months.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I used to know what I wanted, but not anymore.”
He considered this, watching me with curiosity. “What did you want?”
I reached down and touched the water. “A family, mostly.”
“And you no longer want that?”
I dried my hands on my jeans, trying not to get emotional. At one time, I wanted a loving husband and a houseful of kids more than anything in the world. But I’d let go of those dreams. I couldn’t even adopt a child. What would the Dukes say if they caught me playing house?
“I can’t have those things,” I told him, still avoiding his stare. “And I’m tired of wanting things I can’t have.”
His voice was low when he responded. “Perhaps children are out of the question, but you could still have a husband, in secret.”
My eyes flew up to his, and my skin sizzled as his words settled over me. I opened my mouth, but couldn’t speak. His light eyes played chicken with mine, not backing down from his claim.
“It’s too dangerous,” I said.
“You are young.” He didn’t state it in a condescending way, but I still bristled. “Someday you may agree that there are dangers worth facing.”
I swallowed, wishing my crazy heart would stop trying to break out of my rib cage. Nearby footsteps sounded, coming toward us on the shiny floor.
Veronica, Jay, and Gregory approached.
“Hey, guys,” I said. The three of them looked back and forth between the serious faces of Kopano and me. I couldn’t spare a smile of reassurance because my heart still raced from the sound of Kope’s voice and the words he’d spoken.
“Hey, man. It’s Kopano, right?” Jay asked.
“Yes.” Kopano stood and they shook hands.
“How you been?” Jay asked.
“Very well, and you?”
“Good, thanks.” It was an awkward, but sweet exchange.
Veronica gawked the entire time. She kept giving me the big-eyed look that promised she would pester me for details afterward. I introduced Kopano to Veronica and Gregory. Unabashed, she eyed him up and down after they shook hands, wearing a bright aura of fascinated interest.
“I must be on my way,” Kopano said to me.