Sweet Addiction (33 page)

“It will be all right, Ren,” he said softly. “I swear to you, it will be all right.”

She shook her head because it would never be all right.

*  *  *

Cole stood in the upstairs window in brooding silence as he watched Lucas’s car pull away. Then he stared down at the journal in his hand. He had the sudden urge to hurl it across the room but he hugged it close to his chest instead. It was a precious gift and one he’d treasure always.

Ren was gone and she’d left behind a gaping hole in his soul. His heart. His mind. She’d taken the most essential part of himself with her. His love. Always his love.

He’d watched her with Lucas. Seen the relief and the ache in her eyes. Had seen how torn she was the moment she realized that Lucas hadn’t abandoned her. He knew then that he’d lost.

Ren would never choose between the two men and neither were going to let her go. But one of them had to. It was the only way. Ren would tear herself apart and above all, Cole wanted her to be happy.

So he’d made the decision for her. He’d sent her away because it was the only thing for him to do. If he stood and fought for her, even if he won, she’d never be happy with him because Lucas would always be between them.

If he let her go, eventually she’d get over her sense of betrayal, just as she’d done before and Lucas would be there every step of the way. She’d be happy again.

Together they’d both be miserable. Apart, only
he
would be miserable. It was a hell of a note and two days ago he’d have said that nothing on earth would keep him and Ren apart. But it was a selfish vow and an unrealistic one at that.

He’d been a fool to barge into her life again and manipulate her as he’d done. He knew exactly why Lucas had agreed to the bargain. Lucas had taken a calculated gamble and the bastard had won.

And once again, Cole had lost the only thing that had ever mattered to him.

“W
hy did you do it?” Ren choked out.

She sat huddled on the couch in Lucas’s home, a home that hadn’t been hers for two weeks. An eternity. She clutched the blanket around her, more for comfort than for true warmth. It was perfectly comfortable in Lucas’s house. As it always was.

She glanced around, half expecting things to be changed. Her presence somehow washed away. But it was still littered with many of the things she and Lucas had chosen together. And there were her things as well. Her books. A purse. A pair of her shoes. A scarf. Things that ordinarily should have been put away, but it was as if he’d left them out as reminders.

Lucas stood staring out the window a short distance away, his body tense and brooding. Silence fell between them and she pushed where before she’d never have dared. She wanted—deserved—an answer.

“Why did you send me to him? If you weren’t tired of me. If you weren’t
moving on and seizing the opportunity to make sure I was taken care of. If none of those are the reasons, then why, Lucas?”

He turned then, something fierce flashing in his eyes. “Because I bloody well love you. All right? Happy now that you’ve managed to strip me to the barest of layers? I’m bleeding before you, Ren. I’m as vulnerable as a man can be when the woman he loves sits crying over another man.”

She blinked in astonishment and then she gave him a bewildered look. “I don’t understand. If you loved me then why did you look right through me when I saw you at the restaurant? If you loved me, why on earth would you send me back into the arms of a man who once hurt me so badly? Are you
insane
?”

He laughed, a dry, humorless laugh that made her wince.

“
Insane
? That’s one word for it. At the restaurant …Do you even know why I was there?”

She shook her head.

“I was there because I knew it was where you’d be and I wanted just a glance. I wanted to see how you were. If that bastard was taking care of you. And what did I see? I saw you smiling and laughing and looking so damn happy that it damn near killed me. And I knew if I looked at you, I’d damn well be on my knees begging you for forgiveness and asking you to come back with me that minute. But I gave my word and you looked happy,” he said in a bitter voice.

She covered her face with her hands. And then he was there in front of her, kneeling on the floor as he gently pulled her hands away from her face.

He held her wrists captive in front of her as he stared into her eyes. “You asked me why, Ren. I’ll tell you why. Because when you met him again, I saw something in you. I saw a spark of something that made me uneasy. Seeing that also made me realize several things. Mainly that I loved you and the thought of losing you made me crazy.”

Her mouth popped open but he released one of her wrists and put his finger across her lips. “Let me finish.”

She nodded and he let his hand fall away.

“I had to come to terms very quickly with the fact that you weren’t like other women I’d been with. What I felt for you wasn’t just sexual or me fulfilling a kink. And it befuddled me. I’ve made a practice of not getting emotionally entangled with women. But you snuck up on me. I can’t even tell you the point in which my feelings for you changed. Just that they did. With any other woman but you I would have sent you to Cole and been happy to do so. I wouldn’t have felt like my guts had been ripped out and I wouldn’t have counted the days until I could return for you. I would have moved on as you accused me of doing.”

“I still don’t understand,” she said tearfully.

“I wanted you to be happy, Ren,” he said quietly. “If Cole was the person who was going to make you happy, then I wanted you to have your chance with him. Did I want you to go? Hell no. But I thought you
should
go so that maybe when you returned to me—
if
you returned to me—you could let go of the past and embrace your future …with me.”

She swallowed and stared at him in wonder, trying to digest everything he’d just admitted. Her heart was bursting but she wasn’t sure if she was happy or devastated. How could she be sure when she hurt so much?

He moved onto the couch beside her and pulled her into his lap. For a long moment he held her tightly against his chest and caressed her arm.

“I was wrong, Ren. I’m sorry. I never wanted you to be hurt. I should have known this would put you in an untenable position. I wasn’t thinking that way. Maybe I thought it would be an easy choice. Your past or your present. I’m a black-and-white kind of person, but you aren’t
and I should have seen this coming. I swear I only wanted to try to be unselfish and to give you the happiness you deserve.”

Lucas didn’t often admit he was wrong. It wasn’t that he was too arrogant to ever think or admit he was wrong. He simply wasn’t often wrong.

“I don’t know what to do, Lucas,” she whispered.

He went still against her and then in a low voice he said, “If you want to go back to him, I’ll drive you over.”

Tears stung her eyes. Eyes that were already red and swollen and that she hadn’t imagined had any more tears to shed.

“It’s not that easy. It’ll never be that easy.”

“Why? Talk to me, Ren. Tell me what you’re thinking.”

She pushed herself up so she could look into his eyes. She owed him that much at least.

“I love him.”

The dullness in his eyes hurt her more than she could have ever imagined. Lucas wasn’t one who often showed emotion. Ren could never remember him appearing vulnerable. He was strong, disciplined and he was always in control.

She palmed his face, unable to bear the pain in his expression or the bleakness that had entered his gaze.

“I love you too, Lucas. I was so miserable with Cole.”

Lucas frowned. “But—”

“It’s so twisted. I was miserable because I realized after you left that I loved you. Everything else was already there. Trust. Respect. Friendship. Desire. I was distraught because I’d convinced myself you had dumped me on Cole and I’d never see you again. But at the same time, being with Cole made me incredibly happy. Satisfied. I realized that I loved him too. That I’ve never stopped loving him.”

Lucas’s expression softened. There was relief mixed with sadness. He stroked her cheek even as she held his face in her hands.

“
Have you ever been torn between two impossibilities and knew in your heart that no matter which way you went or which path you chose that you were doomed to unhappiness?”

“Oh God, Ren. I never meant for you to feel this way.”

He leaned his forehead to press against hers. He cupped her face and kissed her, wiped away her tears with his thumbs.

“I’m so sorry, baby. We’ll find a way. I promise.”

She stared at him, grief overtaking her until the words nearly choked her. “He said that too. He told me that we’d find a way. That he wouldn’t let me go. And yet at the first opportunity, he walked away. Again.”

Lucas enfolded her in his arms and rocked back and forth as she buried her face in his neck.

“I’ll make it right,” he whispered. “Somehow I’ll make this all right for you.”

She clung to him but blocked out the promise. She didn’t want any more promises. She only wanted truth. The hard, ugly truth.

“I love you, Lucas. I do. I want you to believe that. I don’t want to be without you no matter how it may sound. I’m hurting right now, but I’ll survive. I survived before. Just please be patient with me. Don’t be angry because I can’t give you one hundred percent of me just yet. I’ll get there. I swear it.”

She made the vow because she was determined that it would be so. Cole had walked away from her once before and she’d been devastated then. Now? She was destroyed. It hurt worse the second time. But she refused to allow it to dictate the course of the rest of her life.

Lucas was the best of men. She loved him and he loved her. In time she’d be able to embrace her future with him. But first she had to lay her past to rest.

“O
n your knees.”

Ren slid to her knees and focused her attention on Lucas, waiting for his next command.

He stared down at her, his gaze probing and assessing. He was more patient of late. Almost as if he weighed every single command or perhaps he was afraid he was being too hard on her. Ren wasn’t sure, but she knew she needed this. In her very unstable world, she needed the constant that was Lucas. She needed him hard and firm. Unyielding. Because if he wasn’t, then her world really would crumble.

She wanted to tell him that she wouldn’t fall apart. That she needed his dominance and routine now more than ever. But she refused to sound that weak and needy. Besides, he knew. He could see right into the heart of her, which was why he was treating her with kids’ gloves.

She sighed unhappily and forced herself to await what came next.

“Choose tonight’s instrument,” he said, and took her back so many
nights ago to one similar as this. The same evening they’d eaten out in a restaurant and the course of her future had forever been altered, though she hadn’t known it at the time. It was the night Cole had seen her.

She licked her lips, suddenly indecisive. She would have loved to have said a belt, but the bite of leather reminded her too much of Cole. He’d liked the belt and had used it often. He’d never, ever touched her with a whip. She wondered if he’d even ever laid hands on one after all those years ago.

Even asking for wood brought back the memory of being on board the yacht when Cole had used the wooden oar. A shiver stole over her as what had followed came back to her with startling clarity.

“Your hand,” she finally said.

“Was it such a hard decision?” he asked mildly.

If he only knew. But she shook her head and said instead, “I was weighing my options. I prefer your hand.”

“Perhaps later you’ll tell me why,” he murmured. “Very well. Rise to your knees and come with me to the chair.”

She took the hand he offered and allowed him to help her to her feet. He took his time moving to the chair that faced his bed and then he sank onto the cushion and motioned for her to lay across his lap.

She closed her eyes as he ran his palm over her bare ass, cupping and caressing the cheeks. When the first blow fell, she embraced it. She focused on herself and isolated herself from everything but Lucas and the comfort he offered.