Surfacing (9 page)

Later when I knew that wouldn’t work, just
Please be caught
, invocation or hypnosis. He got more fish but I could pretend mine were willing, they had chosen to die and forgiven me in advance.

I begin to think the frog has failed. But it’s still magic, the rod bends like a diviner’s and Anna shrieks with surprise.

I say “Keep the line tight,” but David is oblivious, he’s reeling like a mixmaster and saying “Wow, wow” to himself and it’s up to the surface, it jumps clear and hangs in the air like a framed photo over a bar only moving. It dives and pulls, the line slackens, it’s doubling back trying to shake loose; but when it jumps again David jerks the rod with his whole body and it sails across and flops into the canoe, a dumb move, he could’ve lost it, on top of Anna and she lurches, screaming “Get it off me! Get it off me!” and we almost tip. Joe says “Holy shit” and grabs at the side, I bend the other way, counterbalancing, David is snatching at it. It slithers over the canoe ribs, flippering and snapping.

“Here,” I say, “hit it back of the eyes.” I reach him the sheathed knife, I’d rather not kill it myself.

David swipes at it, misses; Anna cover her eyes and says “Ugh. Ugh.” It flops towards me and I step down on it with my foot and grab the knife and whack it quickly with the knife handle, crushing the skull, and it trembles stiffly all over, that’s done it.

“What is it?” David asks, amazed by what he’s caught but proud too. They are all laughing, joyful with victory and relief, like the newsreels of parades at the end of the war, and that makes me glad. Their voices bounce off the cliff.

“Walleye,” I say, “Pickerel. We’ll have it for breakfast.”

It’s a good size. I pick it up, fingers hooked under the gills and holding firmly, they can bite and jerk loose even when they’re dead. I put it on the bracken fronds and rinse my hand and the knife. One of its eyes is bulging out and I feel a little sick, it’s because I’ve killed something, made it dead; but I know that’s irrational, killing certain
things is all right, food and enemies, fish and mosquitoes; and wasps, when there are too many of them you pour boiling water down their tunnels. “Don’t bother them and they won’t bother you,” our mother would say when they lit on our plates. That was before the house was built, we were living outside in tents. Our father said they went in cycles.

“Neat eh?” David says to the others; he’s excited, he wants praise. “Ugh,” says Anna, “it’s slimy, I’m not going to eat any of it.” Joe grunts, I wonder if he’s jealous.

David wants to try for another; it’s like gambling, you only stop if you lose. I don’t remind him I have no more magic frogs; I get out a worm for him and let him hook it on himself.

He fishes for a while but he’s having no luck. Just as Anna’s beginning to fidget again I hear a whine, motorboat. I listen, it may be going somewhere else, but it rounds a point and becomes a roar, homing in on us, big powerboat, the white water veeing from the bow. The engine cuts and it skids in beside us, its wash rocking us sharply. American flag on the front and another at the back, two irritated-looking businessmen with pug-dog faces and nifty outfits and a thin shabby man from the village, guiding. I see it’s Claude from the motel, he scowls at us, he feels we’re poaching on his preserve.

“Getting any?” one of the Americans yells, teeth bared, friendly as a shark.

I say “No” and nudge David with my foot. He’d want to tell, if only to spite them.

The other American throws his cigar butt over the side. “This don’t look like much of a place,” he says to Claude.

“Used to be,” Claude says.

“Next year I’m goin’ to Florida,” the first American says.

“Reel in,” I say to David. There’s no sense in staying here now. If they catch one they’ll be here all night, if they don’t get anything in fifteen minutes they’ll blast off and scream around the lake in their
souped-up boat, deafening the fish. They’re the kind who catch more than they can eat and they’d do it with dynamite if they could get away with it.

We used to think they were harmless and funny and inept and faintly lovable, like President Eisenhower. We met two of them once on the way to the bass lake, they were carrying their tin motorboat and the motor over the portage so they wouldn’t have to paddle once they were on the inner lake; when we first heard them thrashing along through the underbrush we thought they were bears. Another one turned up with a spinning reel and stepped in our campfire, scorching his new boots; when he tried to cast he sent his plug, a real minnow sealed in transparent plastic, into the bushes on the other side of the bay. We laughed at him behind his back and asked if he was catching squirrels but he didn’t mind, he showed us his automatic firelighter and his cook set with detachable handles and his collapsible armchair. They liked everything collapsible.

On the way back we hug the shore, avoiding the open lake in case the Americans take it into their heads to zoom past us as close as possible, they sometimes do that for fun, their wake could tip us. But before we’re half the distance they whoosh away into nowhere like Martians in a late movie, and I relax.

When we get back I’ll hang up the fish and wash the scales and the salty armpit odour off my hands with soap. After that I’ll light the lamp and the fire and make some cocoa. Being here feels right to me for the first time, and I know it’s because we’re leaving tomorrow. My father will have the island to himself; madness is private, I respect that, however he may be living it’s better than an institution. Before we go I’ll burn his drawings, they’re evidence of the wrong sort.

The sun has set, we slide back through the gradual dusk. Loon voices in the distance; bats flitter past us, dipping over the water-surface, flat calm now, the shore things, white-grey rocks and dead
trees, doubling themselves in the dark mirror. Around us the illusion of infinite space or of no space, ourselves and the obscure shore which it seems we could touch, the water between an absence. The canoe’s reflection floats with us, the paddles twin in the lake. It’s like moving on air, nothing beneath us holding us up; suspended, we drift home.

I
n the early morning Joe wakes me; his hands at any rate are intelligent, they move over me delicately as a blind man’s reading braille, skilled, moulding me like a vase, they’re learning me; they repeat patterns he’s tried before, they’ve found out what works, and my body responds that way too, anticipates him, educated, crisp as a typewriter. It’s best when you don’t know them. A phrase comes to me, a joke then but mournful now, someone in a parked car after a highschool dance who said
With a paper bag over their head they’re all the same.
At the time I didn’t understand what he meant, but since then I’ve pondered it. It’s almost like a coat of arms: two people making love with paper bags over their heads, not even any eyeholes. Would that be good or bad?

When we’re finished and after we rest I get up and dress and go out to prepare the fish. It’s been hanging all night, the string through its gills looped to a tree branch out of the reach of scavengers, raccoons, otters, mink, skunks. A squeezing of fish shit, like a bird’s only browner, drools from the anus. I untie the string and carry the fish down to the lake to clean and fillet it.

I kneel on the flat rock beside the lake, the knife and the plate for the fillets beside me. This was never my job; someone else did it, my brother or my father. I cut off the head and tail and slit the belly and open the fish into its two halves. Inside the stomach is a partly digested leech and some shreds of crayfish. I divide along the backbone, then along the two lateral lines: four pieces, blueish white, translucent. The entrails will be buried in the garden, they’re fertilizer.

As I’m washing the fillets David saunters down to the dock with his toothbrush. “Hey,” he says, “is that my fish?” He regards the guts on the plate with interest. “Hold it,” he says, “that’s a Random Sample.” He goes for Joe and the camera and the two of them solemnly film the fish innards, collapsed bladders and tubes and soft ropes, rearranging them between takes for better angles. It would never occur to David to have someone snap him with a Brownie camera holding his fish up by the tail and grinning, nor would he ever have it stuffed and mounted; still, he wants to immortalize it, in his own way. Photo album, I’m in it somewhere, successive incarnations of me preserved and flattened like flowers pressed in dictionaries; that was the other book she kept, the leather album, a logbook like the diaries. I used to hate standing still, waiting for the click.

I dip the fillets in flour and fry them and we eat them with strips of bacon. “Good food, good meat, Good God, let’s eat,” David says; and later, smacking his lips, “Couldn’t get this in the city.”

Anna says “Sure you could, frozen. You can get anything there now.”

After breakfast I go into my room and begin to pack. Through the plywood wall I hear Anna walking, pouring more coffee, the creak as David stretches out on the couch.

Perhaps I should fold up all the bedding and towels and the abandoned clothes, tie them into bundles and take them back with me. No one will be living here now and the moths and the mice will get in eventually. If he doesn’t ever decide to return I suppose it
belongs to me, or half to me and half to my brother; but my brother won’t do anything about it, after he left he’s evaded them as much as I have. He set it up better though, he simply went as far away as he could: if I stuck a knitting needle straight through the earth the point would emerge where he is now, camped in the outback, inaccessible; he probably hasn’t even got my letter yet. Mineral rights, that’s what he explores, for one of the big international companies, a prospector; but I can’t believe in that, nothing he’s done since we grew up is real to me.

“I like it here,” David says. No sound from the others. “Let’s stay on for a while, a week, it’d be great.”

“Don’t you have that seminar?” Anna says dubiously. “Man and his Electricity Environment, or something?”

“Electrifying. That’s not till August.”

“I don’t think we should,” Anna says.

“How come you never want us to do anything I want to do?” David says, and there’s a pause. Then he says “What d’you think?” and Joe says “Okay by me.”

“Great,” says David, “we’ll do some more fishing.”

I sit down on the bed. They might have asked me first, it’s my house. Though maybe they’re waiting till I come out, they’ll ask then. If I say I don’t want to they can’t very well stay; but what reason can I give? I can’t tell them about my father, betray him; anyway they might think I was making it up. There’s my work, but they know I have it with me. I could leave by myself with Evans but I’d only get as far as the village: it’s David’s car, I’d have to steal the keys, and also, I remind myself, I never learned to drive.

Anna makes a last feeble attempt. “I’ll run out of cigarettes.”

“Do you good,” David says cheerfully, “filthy habit. Get you back into shape.” He’s older than we are, he’s over thirty, he’s beginning to worry about that; every now and then he hits himself in the stomach and says “Flab.”

“I’ll get crabby,” Anna says, but David only laughs and says “Try it.”

I could tell them there isn’t enough food. But they’d spot that as a lie, there’s the garden and the rows of cans on the shelves, corned beef, Spam, baked beans, chicken, powdered milk, everything.

I go to the room door, open it. “You’ll have to pay Evans the five anyway,” I say.

For a moment they’re startled, they realize I’ve overheard. Then David says “No sweat.” He gives me a quick look, triumphant and appraising, as though he’s just won something: not a war but a lottery.

When Evans turns up at the appointed time David and Joe go down to the dock to arrange things with him. I warned them not to say anything about the fish: if they do, this part of the lake will be swarming with Americans, they have an uncanny way of passing the word, like ants about sugar, or lobsters. After a few minutes I hear the boat starting again and accelerating and diminishing, he’s gone.

I’ve avoided Evans and the explanation and negotiations by going up to the outhouse and latching myself in. That was where I went when there was something I didn’t want to do, like weeding the garden. It’s the new outhouse, the old one got used up. This one is built of logs; my brother and I made the hole for it, he dug with the shovel and I hauled the sand up in a pail. Once a porcupine fell in, they like to chew axe handles and toilet seats.

In the city I never hid in bathrooms; I didn’t like them, they were too hard and white. The only city place I can remember hiding is behind opened doors at birthday parties. I despised them, the pew-purple velvet dresses with antimacassar lace collars and the presents, voices going Oooo with envy when they were opened, and the pointless games, finding a thimble or memorizing clutter on a tray. There were only two things you could be, a winner or a loser; the mothers tried to rig it so everyone got a prize, but they couldn’t
figure out what to do about me since I wouldn’t play. At first I ran away, but after that my mother said I had to go, I had to learn to be polite; “civilized,” she called it. So I watched from behind the door. When I finally joined in a game of Musical Chairs I was welcomed with triumph, like a religious convert or a political defector.

Some were disappointed, they found my hermit-crab habits amusing, they found me amusing in general. Each year it was a different school, in October or November when the first snow hit the lake, and I was the one who didn’t know the local customs, like a person from another culture: on me they could try out the tricks and minor tortures they’d already used up on each other. When the boys chased and captured the girls after school and tied them up with their own skipping ropes, I was the one they would forget on purpose to untie. I spent many afternoons looped to fences and gates and convenient trees, waiting for a benevolent adult to pass and free me; later I became an escape artist of sorts, expert at undoing knots. On better days they would gather around, competing for me.

“Adam and Eve and Pinch Me,” they shouted,