Suddenly Sexy (15 page)

"I'm a loser," Maddie wailed. She thunked her head lightly on Linda's kitchen table.

"You're not a loser," said Linda, pulling a face at Ronan sitting in his high chair to encourage a smile. "You're just occupationally challenged."

"You're not helping."

"Of course I am." Linda snapped off a square of chocolate from the large block in front of her and slid it across to her sister. "I’m offering chocolate aren’t I?"

Maddie dabbed at her eyes and ate the chocolate. "If you were helping, you'd have given me twice as much."

"Sorry. What was I thinking?" Linda broke off four more pieces, gave two to Maddie and kept the other two for herself.

"You were thinking your sister is such a loser," Maddie groaned and popped a block into her mouth.

"I was not. I was wondering how you were going to get your hands on the formula for Pheramour now."

"Linda! Pheramour's the reason I'm unemployed. This is such a mess. I'm such a screw up." She thunked her head again but this time it hurt so she ate another piece of chocolate for the pain.

"You're not a screw up." Linda squeezed her arm then turned her attention to Ronan when he fisted his hands and ground them into his eyes. "You'll get through this, Mad. Look at Sam. He changes jobs all the time."

"He doesn't get fired from them! And don't talk to me about Sam. This is all his fault."

"I thought it was Pheramour's."

"Sam's the one who first suggested Pheramour was unethical."

"Then I guess it's just as much my fault."

Maddie opened her mouth to agree, when Linda said, "Speaking of Sam, what did you do to him?"

"Nothing! I swear!"

"Then why did he take off to Sydney on the spur of the moment?"

Maddie's heart dove. He ran away? "Oh God, I drove him out of town."

"You didn't drive him out. He's only gone for a few days to finalize everything there. Pete said something about a dog."

"Chewy." Maddie eyed the last square of chocolate. "Do you have any more? Alcohol would be good too."

Linda stood. "We've only got beer, but I've got a stash of chocolate liqueurs. I have to hide them from Pete in the cupboard with the baking trays. He'll never look there unless for some miracle he gets the urge to bake." She rummaged through the trays and pulled out a box of brandy liqueurs. She handed the box to Maddie who tore the wrapping off and popped one in her mouth. Warm brandy poured onto her tongue and slid down her throat.

"Mmmm. I love these."

"Me too. Hand them over. Tell me more about what you did to Sam."

"I told him about Pheramour."

"You did what? Maddie, are you insane?"

"Very possibly. Miles definitely thinks I've lost the plot."

"I don't care what that little jerk thinks." Linda reached for another chocolate. "Why did you tell Sam? Everything was going so well."

"I had to. I couldn't use Pheramour forever. I didn't want to. I suppose I wanted what we had to be...real."

"But did you have to bring up the nerd thing too?"

Maddie met her sister's gaze. "He told you?"

"He told Pete. Sam asked Pete if he could remember ever calling you a nerd. Pete said he used to say it all the time but neither of them could remember Sam calling you that. Are you sure you didn't imagine it?"

"Years of teenage angst do not lie." Maddie buried her head in her hands and groaned but she had to lift it again when she grew dizzy. "I feel sick."

"You'll be fine."

"How will I be fine? I'm unemployed and my love life sucks. The last guy I went out with only dated me because I drugged him."

"You did not drug him, you," Linda searched for the right word, "coerced him."

"I tricked him." Maddie bit her wobbling bottom lip. "I'm a nerd, a bitch and a loser."

Linda came round the table and placed her arm around her sister's shoulder. "You'll be fine. You've got some savings in the bank."

Maddie knew Linda wouldn't understand. How could she? She'd gone straight from college to marriage and babies. Her goal in life was to
not
get pregnant. Women like Linda didn't need schedules and plans, they ran on chaos and nervous energy, tossing from one thing to the next but still managing to have a great life and look beautiful.

Maddie needed deadlines. She needed order and patterns. Without them, her life fell apart and every day was like a bad hair day. If that made her a freak then so be it. That's the way she was and she couldn't operate if things didn't go the way they were supposed to.

Right now, things were far from being where they should be. Maddie could cope with being thirty and not having a husband and children but that was because she had her career. Now she didn't have anything except bills to pay and a future that yawned before her like a barren desert. Who'd employ someone who'd been fired from their previous job? Not any company she'd want to work for.

Maddie left when Pete arrived, but not before he gave her the third degree over what she'd done to Sam. Why did everyone blame her? Pheramour was definitely her fault, but
he'd
called
her
a nerd. So what if it was fifteen years ago, it still hurt like it happened yesterday. Anyway, they wouldn't feel sorry for him soon. Once she saw him again and he realized he wasn't in love with her anymore,
she'd
be the one needing their pity.

Because her love wasn't going to fade after a few more showers.

***

The phone was ringing when Maddie arrived home. She snatched it up. Maybe Sam...

"Hello?"

"Maddie? It's Beaker."

"Oh."

"Miles told me what happened after you left. Why didn't you come back to the lab and say goodbye?"

Because I didn't want everyone looking at me like I'm a loser.
"I hate goodbyes."

Silence, then, "Yeah, me too." Beaker paused and Maddie rolled her eyes, wishing he'd get it over with so she could crawl into bed with a tub of ice cream.

"Hey," he finally said, "there's something you should know."

"Miles has contracted a rare penis shrinking disease?"

Beaker chuckled. "You're not bitter or anything are you? No, Miles is okay, for someone who might be out of a job soon too."

"Miles is getting fired?"

"Maybe. Pheramour's not working on Fred and Wilma anymore. They can't stand each other. I'm beginning to think it never worked."

"It does! I'm living proof."

"Are you sure? When I used it, only Annie responded. None of the women at the lab found me more attractive."

More
attractive? Maddie couldn't help smiling.

"And you've only got that Sam person. One response is not conclusive proof."

"There were others at the market. Honest. Men kept looking at me."

"Were you wearing something different? Maybe you had your hair down. You do look, well, um, hot when it tumbles over your shoulders. And you've got a great body, so if you wore something tight..." He sucked in a breath. "I think I better shut up now."

She frowned. "You're delusional, Beaker."

"Am I? What about Sam? Maybe he's smitten."

"Sam Hennessy has never been smitten with anything in his life. Except maybe with his car."

"I gotta go, Maddie, but think about it. Pheramour is definitely not working and now that Hillary What's-Her-Name knows it, she's going to be advising her company to pull out of the deal. Miles made us all stay back late to save his bacon but I don't think we can." He sighed down the line. "We're all screwed."

When he hung up, Maddie plopped on the couch because the living room was spinning and her head felt like it would explode.

After a few minutes she got up again because she couldn't think clearly without ice cream. She plodded to the kitchen, opened the freezer door and stuck her head inside. The shock of the cold blast startled her brain into action and she breathed deeply for the first time since hanging up from Beaker.

Oh God. What the hell was going on?

If Pheramour didn't work, then...

"Sam actually likes me." Wow. Now that's not something a girl gets to say every day. She sat at the kitchen table, spoon poised above the chocolate chip ice cream and burst into laughter. Sam Hennessy liked her and she was eating ice cream! Why was she wasting time?

She ran into the living room and dialed Linda's number. Pete answered.

"What's Sam's phone number in Sydney?"

"Maddie? Is that you? You sound different. Desperate."

"I am and stop stalling. Give me his number."

"So you want to speak to him now, do you?" He sounded annoyed. "You've changed your tune since yesterday."

She counted to five and let out her breath slowly. "Pete, I know you're upset on Sam's behalf, but there's really no need. I want to talk to him. It's all okay now." She tried to sound perky which was difficult when she wanted to reach through the phone and strangle him.

"I don't know, Mad, he was pretty upset. He even threatened to give up dating women altogether." There was a pause. "Not that he's going to start dating men of course, it's just—"

"PETE! Shut up and give me his Sydney number."

"Hey, don't shout. Jeez, you're more demanding than my kids. Anyway, I don't know his number. He sold his Sydney apartment and left Chewy with friends. I think he was staying with them for a few days till he got his head around everything."

"And you don't have their number?"

"No."

"What about his mobile phone?"

"Company phone. He had to give it back when he quit and hasn’t got another one yet. Why don’t you try Mrs. Hennessy. I'm sure the old busybody knows how to contact him."

Maddie winced. "But she's so...scary."

"Yeah. I wouldn't call her if I were you, especially if Sam told her about Pheramour. You're probably number one on her hit list."

"Thanks anyway."

"No problem-o. So, Mad," he said too casually, "I thought it was over between you two. Or should I say non-existent."

"Pheramour doesn't work."

She heard him blow out a breath. "That's good. I guess."

Maddie didn't like his tone. "But?"

"Well, what about the nerd thing?"

Yeah, the nerd thing. The thing where she was one and he wasn't. Nerds don't date cool men. They drool over them. They fantasize about them. Then they go back to their safe, predictable men—men who don't change jobs and homes and relationships every other week; men who don't make their stomachs mushy with one smoldering glance.

"Thanks for reminding me," she said, and hung up before he could say anything to further destroy her ego.

Women like you and guys like me shouldn't be together.

He'd said it himself when reality had returned with a crash yesterday. A woman like her couldn't possibly interest a man like him. Not enough to make him want to be with her every waking moment, or make his skin ache with longing to touch her.

She picked up the ice cream and stabbed her spoon into the tub, digging out a mouthful. She licked the spoon clean and struck the chocolate chip again. And again. She really was a loser. Her life was a mess—and she had no one else to blame.

At least she'd always have those two days when he'd forgotten what she was—a nerd.

She scooped up another spoonful of ice cream. Maybe if she'd hidden her nerdy side, he'd have continued to like her. Maybe if she'd jumped in the water with him. Maybe if she hadn't told him about her schedule, her plans for the future. Maybe. Too many maybes and not enough ice cream. She dipped her spoon in and hit the bottom. Empty. The universe was conspiring against her.

On their morning jog, Sam told Chewy about Maddie. He told her about the cute way she rolled her eyes at him when he said something ridiculous, how hot she looked in a wet T-shirt and that she was the smartest woman he'd ever met. Chewy just looked up at him with big, brown sympathetic eyes that said "I know it hurts." Either that or "Shut up, you're driving me nuts." It was sometimes hard to tell with Chewy. He only had two expressions. The big, dopey-eyed look or the "I'm so excited I'm going to pee" look which he reserved for walks and food.

It didn't matter because Sam loved him and he knew Chewy loved him back. Now, how hard was that? Why couldn't his relationship with Maddie be that simple?

Probably because she couldn't be bought with dog biscuits and a back scratch. He wished he knew what Maddie could be bought with because he'd race out and buy it, hang the cost.

The rhythmic pounding of his Nikes on the pavement was briefly interrupted as he dodged a kid wobbling on his bicycle. He swiped at his forehead, sending drips of sweat onto the pavement and Chewy's back.

He couldn't remember how long they'd been jogging for, but he didn't care. It felt good. The solid
thump thump
of his shoes on concrete keeping time with the
thump thump
of his heart was reassuring and real.

Being in love with Maddie was
not
real.

Usually Sam was a pretty optimistic kind of guy. The glass was never half empty and there was always something better around the corner. But as each hour passed, it got more difficult to be positive. Things had never been like this with his other girlfriends. He could always walk away from them, a little sad, sure, but not like this. Not the aching gut kind of pain he was in now.

Mind you, his exes had never used a love potion on him either.

He should just walk away from Maddie, leave Melbourne again. Forever. It would be a hell of a lot easier than waking up every day in the same city as her and not be able to touch her. But before he made a final decision, he had to see her one more time. Hopefully when he returned, Pheramour would be out of her system and she'd be back to her usual self. Then he'd take one look at her and feel nothing. His heart wouldn't palpitate, he wouldn't get an erection and he wouldn't want to pick out china patterns with her. He'd feel nothing.

God, he hoped that's the way it would go, because she sure didn't feel anything for him.

I don't love you, Sam
.

***

Maddie spent Wednesday in bed with chocolate. She got up only to replenish her supplies. She ignored the phone when it rang. Which was a bad idea because, at three o'clock, Linda hauled her tribe over to Maddie's place.

"Have you called Sam's mother yet?" she demanded. She thrust a wriggling Ronan at Maddie and ushered the other two inside, then bent to pick up the sports bag she’d dropped at the door in order to ring the bell.

"What's in there?" Maddie was going to ignore her sister's questions for as long as she could.

"Nappies, a change of clothes for Ronan, fruit bars for when those two get hungry and toys. Which reminds me, do you know anything about Palm Beach Barbie's missing arms and legs?"

"Not a thing. And if you don't mind me asking, why are you here?"

"To make you feel better."

Maddie watched as David jumped on her cream couch in his dirty shoes and Emily knocked over a vase, spilling water and flowers on the carpet. Yeah, she was feeling
so
much better already.

"Emily! Be careful. And sit properly on Auntie Mad's couch, David. Sorry, Sis, I'll clean up the mess." Linda darted into the kitchen.

"Don't worry," Maddie said, "everything else is ruined, so why not my house too."

Ronan wriggled, but when Maddie wouldn't let him down he screwed up his face and screamed.

"Linda, what's wrong with him?"

Linda reappeared with a towel. "He's tired. It's nap time."

"You brought him here at nap time? This is not a day care center."

"Ooopth."

Maddie and Linda swung round, just in time to see a wooden statue of the Egyptian goddess Isis rock from side to side on its pedestal, gathering momentum until it finally toppled over onto the floor.

"Emily! David! Get outside
now
!" Linda pointed at the back door. They didn't move. Maddie didn't blame them. She'd be paralyzed with fear too if Linda yelled like that at her.

Linda took a step towards them. "
One, two...
" On three, they were out the door. "We better go sit on the porch and make sure they don't kill each other." She took Ronan and jiggled him in her arms.

Ten minutes later, Maddie had changed out of her pajamas and into a cool summer dress and brought out a tray of coffees, chocolate biscuits and two plastic cups filled with red cordial.

"Oh, Maddie," said Linda shaking her head. "What are you giving my children to drink?"

Maddie frowned. "I thought cordial was okay."

David's eyes lit up as he trotted over. "Cool! Red cordial."

"Cool, wed cor-wial," Emily echoed.

"They'll be bouncing off the walls for the rest of the day," said Linda. "Maybe I'll just leave them here all night."

"Oh." Maddie loved her niece and nephew but they were hard work. They liked their Auntie to read all their books to them and play every game before bed time—that's if she could coerce them into going to bed. Maddie wasn't in the mood for Hurricanes Emily and David tonight. Tonight she wanted to wallow in self pity because tomorrow was a big day—it was the day she was going to get her life back on track.

Emily and David took their biscuit and cup to the porch steps and sat down while they munched.

"Ah, peace and quiet," said Linda.

Ronan took that as a cue to let out a long, loud wail. Linda rocked him until he settled but by then the other two had finished and started playing again. Playing meant yelling, kicking, punching and crying. As the only one with her hands free, Maddie became adjudicator. After separating them into their neutral corners for the sixth time she slumped into the seat next to her sister.

"I'm exhausted," she said. "I don't know how you do it."

"I've learned to pitch my voice at just the right level to induce fear. It saves a lot of trouble."

"How's the baby? Kicking?"

"Not yet. Don't worry, I'll keep you informed of everything as soon as it happens. You won't miss a thing."

Good, because living through Linda was the only way she was going to ever experience pregnancy. Tomorrow she was going to draw up a new schedule and it wouldn't involve children. Or men. And at the rate she was going, not a career either.

She sighed. She couldn't even plan right anymore.

"You're still thinking about him, aren't you?"

Maddie stared down at her lap. "Yeah. I really screwed up, Linda."

"Not yet. Give him a chance to calm down. Talk to him when he gets back to Melbourne. It'll be okay, I promise."

The softness of her voice surprised Maddie and she lifted her gaze to her sister's. Affection and sympathy swam in Linda’s eyes. Great. Her life must be pathetic if Linda felt sorry for her.

"What if he doesn't come back?" The question had bugged her all morning and had driven her to eat more chocolate than she should have. "He has a habit of leaving when things don't go his way."

"No, he has a habit of leaving when he wants a change. And I don't think he wants things to change."

"Not yet." Maddie sighed. "But if he doesn't come back I'll know he finds me boring and isn't interested in the
nerd
."

Linda clicked her tongue and rocked Ronan who was losing the battle to keep his eyes open. "You're not boring, Maddie. And stop with this nerd stuff. So what if he said it when he was seventeen. That was a hell of a long time ago. You've changed since then."

"Yeah right, I've got a great career and men fall over themselves to date me. No wait, I must have read that in
Who
magazine."

"Maddie, stop beating yourself up over this. You
have
changed." She leaned forward, holding Ronan to her, and lowered her voice. "Look, this is going to kill me, because I'm your sister and, well, it's my job to tease you, but you've turned into a gorgeous, sweet, fun woman who's great to be with." She sat back with a glare that defied Maddie to argue with her.

"So where are the men beating down my door?"

"They're not beating down your door because they don’t know where it is. You don't go out and meet anyone. You only know men from work and the occasional guy Pete's set you up with. And you intimidate most of them. You're smart, they're not and you let them know it."

"All of them?"

"Well, most. Sam's smart, just not bookish-smart like you."

"Sam Hennessy is not intimidated by me. He teased me for crying out loud."

"Boys tease girls they like."

"Not a seventeen year old Sam Hennessy. He didn't tease, he fu—" She broke off when Emily came up to them sobbing.

"Mummy, David won't thare."

"Okay, that's our cue to leave." Linda stood, clutching a sleeping Ronan to her. "Pick up your toys and go inside."

Emily and David whined for five minutes before giving in when Linda threatened no ice cream after dinner.

"Hey, Mad," said Linda as she followed the kids inside, "since you're not working, can you babysit tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah, play with us, Auntie Mad," said David.

"Yeah, pway wiff uth, Auntie Mad."

"Now how can you refuse such little angels?" Linda said with an impish smile.

There were other paranormal creatures Maddie would've used to describe her niece and nephew but she refrained. "I was going to update my resume and draw up a job hunting schedule," she said. "I don't want to waste any more time."

"Oh, Maddie, lighten up. Enjoy the day with the kids, you'll love it. They're not this bad all the time."

"I know, but..."

Emily's bottom lip fell and she latched onto Maddie's leg. Emotional blackmail. It worked every time.

"Okay, I guess I can put off looking for work for another day."

"Good," Linda said. "You need a break. I can't remember the last holiday you had. And since you've got some savings, why don't you take a couple of weeks off and decide what you really want to do."

"I need those savings."

"What for?"

It was her contingency fund, in case something went wrong. She had no idea what considering she was insured for everything, but that wasn't the point.

"And I know what I want to do," she said. "I want to do what I've always done. Be a biochemist. It's why I studied all those years."

Linda sighed and herded Emily and David to the car. "Whatever. Just give it a few days and let the dust settle. By then Sam might be back and you two can sort things out."

Women like you and guys like me...

"I doubt it. He already made his stance clear."

But Linda didn't hear her because David whacked Emily and she screamed at the top of her lungs, waking up Ronan who joined in the chorus.

Maddie sighed. "And I thought my life was chaotic."

***

The following day, Linda took Ronan out with her to lunch and Maddie took Emily and David to the zoo. It was an experience she wouldn't soon forget. By three o'clock, she'd cleaned up David's vomit, taken Emily to the First Aid clinic to patch up her scraped knee, covered their eyes when confronted with mating monkeys and lost Emily—twice—in the dimly lit snake enclosure. She was exhausted, had ice cream in her hair, a sunburned nose and swollen feet.

She'd also had a blast. Everything from the skittish meerkats bobbing in and out of their holes at the slightest sound to the elephants and giraffes delighted the kids. For the first time in ages, possibly ever, Maddie saw the world through their eyes. Big, diverse and totally awesome. She wanted to pat the joey in the kangaroo's pouch, feed the lions, let the butterflies land on her shoulders then eat too much ice cream and run around in circles until she was sick. Never before had she done something just for the hell of it, just because it made her giddy with excitement and gave her a rush.

On the drive back to Linda's place, Emily and David fell asleep in the back seat and Maddie replayed the day over in her mind. She needed to do this sort of thing more often. Maybe she could borrow the kids tomorrow.

But tomorrow she was supposed to be looking for work. If she didn't start soon, her resumé would have a glaring hole and no reputable company would want to hire her.

Maybe just one more day... She could start the job hunt the following day. Except that would be Saturday. Oh well, what did a few extra days matter? She could take a couple of weeks off, like Linda said.

I'm delaying it.

She thought about this some more then it suddenly hit her—
I don't want to do this anymore. I'm bored.

Someone honked to her left and she swerved back into her lane, waving an apology at the other driver.
Must concentrate.
But it wasn't easy—her epiphany was getting in the way.

Science had been her life ever since high school. She loved it, sure, but there was nothing new in her work. In her life. Nothing to look forward to. She'd always worked hard but where had that got her? Unemployed. No wonder she was still a nerd. She hadn't changed since she was a kid. Her goals were still the same ones she'd had as a twelve year old and they were growing staler than week-old bread.

To hell with them. Hang science. Hang Miles and BioDerma and Pheramour. She didn't care anymore.

Okay, now all she had to do was find something she did care about. Something she
wanted
to do with her life. At least for a while until science became interesting again. Something fun, something creative...