Read Stuff Hipsters Hate Online
Authors: Brenna Ehrlich,Andrea Bartz
Stuff Hipsters Hate (25 page)
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ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
The authors wish to thank: Our moms and dads, Julia Bartz and Lara Ehrlich and Doug Riggs, Matchless Two-fer-Tuesdays, Liz Davis, the Internet, our readers, Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, the L train, the G train, the Brooklyn Label baristas, the Royal Joke, McCarren Park, El Beit, Katherine Groth and her camera, kind line-editors Leah Konen and Merritt Watts, “Book Deal Buddy” Lindsey Kelk, the guys at
Death+Taxes
, the lovely people of
SELF
,
Mashable
,
Heeb
magazine, the Astral, the B62 and whiskey.
Death+Taxes
, the lovely people of
SELF
,
Mashable
,
Heeb
magazine, the Astral, the B62 and whiskey.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Brenna Ehrlich
is a news editor at Mashable.com. A graduate of the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University, Brenna has worked for
Heeb
magazine and has freelanced for
Esquire
,
Mental_Floss
, Radar Online, the
Chicago Reader
and
Death + Taxes
magazine. She’s a fan of elevated trains and attending concerts.
is a news editor at Mashable.com. A graduate of the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University, Brenna has worked for
Heeb
magazine and has freelanced for
Esquire
,
Mental_Floss
, Radar Online, the
Chicago Reader
and
Death + Taxes
magazine. She’s a fan of elevated trains and attending concerts.
Andrea Bartz
is a news editor at
Psychology Today
. Before that, she worked in the Happiness Department at
SELF
magazine and has written for
Money
,
Heeb
, CNN.com and an array of alt weeklies. Andi grew up in Milwaukee and studied journalism at Northwestern University before moving to Brooklyn. She enjoys wooded parks and good cheese.
is a news editor at
Psychology Today
. Before that, she worked in the Happiness Department at
SELF
magazine and has written for
Money
,
Heeb
, CNN.com and an array of alt weeklies. Andi grew up in Milwaukee and studied journalism at Northwestern University before moving to Brooklyn. She enjoys wooded parks and good cheese.
1
The title itself is obviously rather cringe-worthy.
2
We are, of course, speaking metaphorically.
3
Except, perhaps, for some religious orders…and our fathers.
4
The authors ask that you keep in mind that our study focused on the most extreme specimens of the species. There is indeed a continuum of hipsterdom, and relatively few fall into the all-out hater category. Still, as they exhibit the most amplified embodiment of hipster ethos, we chose to elucidate their behavior as beacons of the subculture.
5
This “power” often falls to hipster men due to the fact that in hipster enclaves such as New York City, Philadelphia and Washington, D.C., single women greatly outnumber single men under 25—and in cities where young, single men are scarce, they tend to play the field, notes 2009 research from the University of Michigan. Moreover, the number of legitimately “attractive” hipster men (read: not “busted-attractive” or “interesting-looking”) is even scarcer, according to 2009 research done by the authors.
6
It should be noted that in the realm of hipsterdom, males also “peacock,” albeit in less aggressive ways. While a bro may approach a potential mate with an opening line such as, “Have you ever met a professional rugby player before?” a hipster male will demonstrate his superiority/mate quality by quietly pontificating on Ayn Rand.
7
A study in the journal
Child Development
found that most children switch from living in the moment to developing concerns about the future between the ages of 13 and 16, lending further support to our hypothesis that hipsters, much like Peter Pan, are loathe to grow up.
Child Development
found that most children switch from living in the moment to developing concerns about the future between the ages of 13 and 16, lending further support to our hypothesis that hipsters, much like Peter Pan, are loathe to grow up.
8
Some refer to this anti-commitment credo as FOMO, an acronym for “Fear Of Missing Out.” Friends of hipsters, however, refer to it as merely “FO”: Fucking Obnoxious.
9
A study in the
Journal of Marketing
notes that most shoppers are less likely to buy a garment when they know it’s been touched by another customer—researchers chalk it up to a fear of “cooties.” Meanwhile, hipsters, always the mold-breakers, take special joy in breathing in the film and filth from owners past—dust from a more “authentic,” moth-bitten era. Call it that “old clothes smell.”
Journal of Marketing
notes that most shoppers are less likely to buy a garment when they know it’s been touched by another customer—researchers chalk it up to a fear of “cooties.” Meanwhile, hipsters, always the mold-breakers, take special joy in breathing in the film and filth from owners past—dust from a more “authentic,” moth-bitten era. Call it that “old clothes smell.”
10
While people often use the terms “hipster” and “scenester” interchangeably, they are actually quite distinct. According to Merriam-Webster, a scenester is “a person who frequents a social or cultural scene.” A scenester doesn’t actually live the lifestyle—he/ she merely acts as a cultural tourist. Therefore, after dancing wildly at Glasslands with all the longhairs, the scenester cabs it back home, where sweatpants,
Sunny
DVDs and a generously stocked fridge are waiting. The hipster, on the other hand, is “unusually aware of and interested in” every aspect of the scene, such that every moment is spent contemplating “new and unconventional patterns”! Patterns that often involve sneaking onto the bar’s patio in the dead of winter, getting too smashed to successfully hail a cab, literally crawling down one’s street on one’s hands and knees, passing out in the door frame, waking and realizing one has no food to speak of and ruing one’s wasted existence. Fuck “frequenting” a scene—a hipster marinates in it. Anything else is just hipster lite.
Sunny
DVDs and a generously stocked fridge are waiting. The hipster, on the other hand, is “unusually aware of and interested in” every aspect of the scene, such that every moment is spent contemplating “new and unconventional patterns”! Patterns that often involve sneaking onto the bar’s patio in the dead of winter, getting too smashed to successfully hail a cab, literally crawling down one’s street on one’s hands and knees, passing out in the door frame, waking and realizing one has no food to speak of and ruing one’s wasted existence. Fuck “frequenting” a scene—a hipster marinates in it. Anything else is just hipster lite.
11
The authors declare no conflict of interest, e.g., investments in the aforementioned clothing stores. But free shit would be cool.
12
A survey conducted by Quicken and the American Mustache Institute (yes, really) found that mustachioed men earned, on average, 8.2 percent more than bearded dudes and 4.3 percent more than clean-shaven males. Relatedly, the authors overtip the young Tom Selleck doppelganger who bartends at Clem’s.
13
Sometimes you will come into contact with a hipster who actually did have a hard-knock life. These hipsters are often looked up to by other hipsters, and are, consequently, not really hipsters at all.
14
In this case, we are talking about the majority of hipster girls. There are subsets of hipsterdom—Bettie Page Hipsters, 1960s Beach Blanket Bingo Hipsters, Swing Kid Hipsters, etc.—who wear makeup and the like, but more as an ironic costume than anything else.
15
Warning: This method can backfire if you are too clean-cut, making you look like a fireman or a cop.
16
Shut up,
New York Times.
New York Times.
17
This is defined as the
consumption-side
theory of urban gentrification, wherein the sociocultural traits of the gentrifiers drive the process. A “new middle class” comprising artists and cultural leaders moves into an area, serving as the first-stage gentrifiers, making it habitable for the second wave. Still, the authors caution against calling a hipster “middle class”—crying and yelling will likely ensue.
consumption-side
theory of urban gentrification, wherein the sociocultural traits of the gentrifiers drive the process. A “new middle class” comprising artists and cultural leaders moves into an area, serving as the first-stage gentrifiers, making it habitable for the second wave. Still, the authors caution against calling a hipster “middle class”—crying and yelling will likely ensue.
18
In
Everything but the Coffee: Learning about America from Starbucks
, Temple University scholar Bryant Simon claims that the chain’s initial success elucidates Americans’ quest for meaning, community, justice and relevance in the 21st century—via consumerism. At its peak, S’Bux demonstrated how much time, energy and emotion people are willing to invest into what they buy, as a representation of who they are. (To a hipster, of course, most Americans are as fat-laden, repugnant and pumped full of artificial sweeteners as a Venti Mocha Frappuccino Blended Coffee Light with Extra Whipped Cream.)
Everything but the Coffee: Learning about America from Starbucks
, Temple University scholar Bryant Simon claims that the chain’s initial success elucidates Americans’ quest for meaning, community, justice and relevance in the 21st century—via consumerism. At its peak, S’Bux demonstrated how much time, energy and emotion people are willing to invest into what they buy, as a representation of who they are. (To a hipster, of course, most Americans are as fat-laden, repugnant and pumped full of artificial sweeteners as a Venti Mocha Frappuccino Blended Coffee Light with Extra Whipped Cream.)
19
In addition to restlessness, poverty and a total inability to plan. 20 Consider it the polar opposite of compulsive hoarding, conceptualized as “a multifaceted problem stemming from: (1) information processing deficits; (2) problems in forming emotional attachments; (3) behavioral avoidance; and (4) erroneous beliefs about the nature of possessions” in a paper published in the journal
Behavior Research and Therapy
. Interestingly, though hipsters suck at acquiring shit, many of the same characteristics seem to apply.
Behavior Research and Therapy
. Interestingly, though hipsters suck at acquiring shit, many of the same characteristics seem to apply.
20
Recent research in the
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
indicates that workers who are paid an hourly wage (rather than a salary) feel their earnings have a stronger impact on their mental state, likely because they truly grasp each hour’s worth. When your hourly wage is barely minimum, it breeds the necessary angst to fuel the great American novel you’re writing while off the clock.
Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin
indicates that workers who are paid an hourly wage (rather than a salary) feel their earnings have a stronger impact on their mental state, likely because they truly grasp each hour’s worth. When your hourly wage is barely minimum, it breeds the necessary angst to fuel the great American novel you’re writing while off the clock.
21
Bukowski syndrome: Symptoms include restlessness, trouble sleeping, persistent alcoholism, a tendency to wander aimlessly from job to job, a predilection for nebulous romantic relationships and a severe to dire smoker’s cough.
22
As stated before, were the authors to name specific cultural references at this juncture, such indie darlings would be laughably “over” by the time this went to print, so allow us to fabricate a band for the sake of explication.
23
“Darkness Sleeps So Softly on Your Windowsill”
24
Note that hipster elitism shines most clearly in their musical selections. While plenty of hipsters are literature or film snobs, those predilections are more nebulous—some hepcats love adrenaline-soaked blockbusters as much as art house cinema, and while some h-kids only read books you’ve never heard of, others gleefully embrace Harry Potter. But they’re all music snobs. Every. Last. One.
25
Somehow Bob Dylan has managed to hold on, but there are exceptions to every rule.
26
Despite what The Ramones may say.
27
Research from the journal
Mental Health, Religion and Culture
indicates that both religious folks and those who simply believe in a “higher power” are more likely than atheists to swallow a host of whacko delusions: that computers can control thought, that there are hidden personal messages on television and in movies, and that they are being constantly “persecuted.” While every hipster firmly believes the universe swivels around his spindly form, few would wander down that whole “my laptop made me do it” road. (Exception: When they’re tripping the light fantastic on some high-grade pot.)
Mental Health, Religion and Culture
indicates that both religious folks and those who simply believe in a “higher power” are more likely than atheists to swallow a host of whacko delusions: that computers can control thought, that there are hidden personal messages on television and in movies, and that they are being constantly “persecuted.” While every hipster firmly believes the universe swivels around his spindly form, few would wander down that whole “my laptop made me do it” road. (Exception: When they’re tripping the light fantastic on some high-grade pot.)
28
For example, a 28-year-old indie dude is really only about 19 in hipster years—still aimlessly staggering about drinking Colt 45 and making poor life decisions.
Published in the United States by
Ulysses Press
P.O. Box 3440
Berkeley, CA 94703
www.ulyssespress.com
Ulysses Press
P.O. Box 3440
Berkeley, CA 94703
www.ulyssespress.com
eISBN : 978-1-569-75890-8
Library of Congress Control Number 2010925866
Distributed by Publishers Group West
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