Read Stuff Hipsters Hate Online
Authors: Brenna Ehrlich,Andrea Bartz
Stuff Hipsters Hate (24 page)
Charleston, The:
Otherwise known as “The Gnarlston,” a quasi-metal bar on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg that is frequented by dudes who look like Pete Wentz, and the authors when they are drunk and craving free pizza (which comes with every beer).
Otherwise known as “The Gnarlston,” a quasi-metal bar on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg that is frequented by dudes who look like Pete Wentz, and the authors when they are drunk and craving free pizza (which comes with every beer).
Chinatown Bus:
Super-sketchy transport from New York City to exotic locales such as Boston and Philly. The bus of choice for cheap hipsters who don’t want to shell out the extra four bucks for the Bolt Bus, which has wi-fi and doesn’t necessitate a cautionary tetanus shot.
Super-sketchy transport from New York City to exotic locales such as Boston and Philly. The bus of choice for cheap hipsters who don’t want to shell out the extra four bucks for the Bolt Bus, which has wi-fi and doesn’t necessitate a cautionary tetanus shot.
Clem’s:
A boring Williamsburg bar. Unremarkable except for its hot bartender.
A boring Williamsburg bar. Unremarkable except for its hot bartender.
CMJ:
Short for “College Music Journal,” a weeklong fest held by a publishing/events company in New York every fall. One attends shows (and open bars) via RSVP, so if you spend any money during CMJ, you’re doing something wrong.
Short for “College Music Journal,” a weeklong fest held by a publishing/events company in New York every fall. One attends shows (and open bars) via RSVP, so if you spend any money during CMJ, you’re doing something wrong.
Crusties:
A merry assemblage of punks who hop freight trains in order to attend shows across the country. They often forgo such luxuries as showers and clean clothing, and feast on food from the back alleys of eateries—hence the highly descriptive and apt moniker.
A merry assemblage of punks who hop freight trains in order to attend shows across the country. They often forgo such luxuries as showers and clean clothing, and feast on food from the back alleys of eateries—hence the highly descriptive and apt moniker.
Cup Noodles:
Hot, salty goodness in a Styrofoam chalice.
Hot, salty goodness in a Styrofoam chalice.
Daddy’s:
A Williamsburg bar with a decent jukebox that’s good any night except Saturday, when it suddenly fills with post-show bands and their obnoxious kiss-ass groupies.
A Williamsburg bar with a decent jukebox that’s good any night except Saturday, when it suddenly fills with post-show bands and their obnoxious kiss-ass groupies.
Death Cab For Cutie:
Super, super emo band that’s kind of not cool to like anymore. Every little hipster’s soul cries, however, when “Your Heart Is an Empty Room” comes on—because it’s
so true
. Our hearts are empty rooms, my friend, our hearts.are. empty.rooms.
Super, super emo band that’s kind of not cool to like anymore. Every little hipster’s soul cries, however, when “Your Heart Is an Empty Room” comes on—because it’s
so true
. Our hearts are empty rooms, my friend, our hearts.are. empty.rooms.
Dolphin Hotel:
Setting in the novels of Murakami in which strange and fantastical things occur—hauntings, unexplained periods of darkness and visitations by a man dressed as a sheep. All of these things could become manifest at an average hipster’s apartment, most likely in the wake of a party.
Setting in the novels of Murakami in which strange and fantastical things occur—hauntings, unexplained periods of darkness and visitations by a man dressed as a sheep. All of these things could become manifest at an average hipster’s apartment, most likely in the wake of a party.
Dumpster bagels:
Often stores cannot sell all the bagels they bake in a day. Consequently, they deposit said bagels in plastic garbage bags next to trash receptacles. Since these pastries don’t actually touch the rest of the trash, they are completely safe to eat—and actually quite tasty with a little schmear.
Often stores cannot sell all the bagels they bake in a day. Consequently, they deposit said bagels in plastic garbage bags next to trash receptacles. Since these pastries don’t actually touch the rest of the trash, they are completely safe to eat—and actually quite tasty with a little schmear.
Ed Hardy:
A brand of clothing spawned by a tattoo artist of the same name that frequently features rhinestones, Spandex and airbrushed beasts of many tropical ilks. Generally considered “douchey” by the hipster set (and nearly everyone else).
A brand of clothing spawned by a tattoo artist of the same name that frequently features rhinestones, Spandex and airbrushed beasts of many tropical ilks. Generally considered “douchey” by the hipster set (and nearly everyone else).
El Beit:
Coffee shop on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg known for its airy back patio, epic bathroom graffiti and spotty wi-fi. Several chapters of this book were composed there. And several awkward run-ins with the authors’ exes occurred there during the same period, providing still more book fodder.
Coffee shop on Bedford Avenue in Williamsburg known for its airy back patio, epic bathroom graffiti and spotty wi-fi. Several chapters of this book were composed there. And several awkward run-ins with the authors’ exes occurred there during the same period, providing still more book fodder.
FarmVille:
Lame game that one plays on Facebook if one is a friendless teenage boy or an overweight Midwestern housewife.
Lame game that one plays on Facebook if one is a friendless teenage boy or an overweight Midwestern housewife.
Fugazi:
They’re, like, totally D.I.Y. punk (or they were—they’ve been on hiatus for, like, a decade now). Everyone knows that.
They’re, like, totally D.I.Y. punk (or they were—they’ve been on hiatus for, like, a decade now). Everyone knows that.
Ghosting:
A term coined by the authors of this book. The preferred hipster method of ending a relationship. Instead of starting a formal breakup conversation, hipsters prefer to slowly cut off contact from romantic interests until they are no longer speaking. The process is similar to the slow fade of a spirit dematerializing in a haunted mansion.
A term coined by the authors of this book. The preferred hipster method of ending a relationship. Instead of starting a formal breakup conversation, hipsters prefer to slowly cut off contact from romantic interests until they are no longer speaking. The process is similar to the slow fade of a spirit dematerializing in a haunted mansion.
Greenpoint Avenue:
A main drag in Brooklyn’s Greenpoint, a predominantly Polish ’ hood where hipsters share the sidewalk with elderly Poles and their walkers.
A main drag in Brooklyn’s Greenpoint, a predominantly Polish ’ hood where hipsters share the sidewalk with elderly Poles and their walkers.
Harem pants:
A fashion trend that, regardless of what the street style blogs say, was never embraced in Brooklyn.
A fashion trend that, regardless of what the street style blogs say, was never embraced in Brooklyn.
Hesse, Hermann:
Pretty much every hipster worth his or her salt has a battered copy of
Siddhartha
somewhere in his or her apartment. And pretty much every hipster worth his or her salt has yet to read it.
Pretty much every hipster worth his or her salt has a battered copy of
Siddhartha
somewhere in his or her apartment. And pretty much every hipster worth his or her salt has yet to read it.
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:
Mumblecore-esque FX series about four self-involved and inappropriate 30-somethings who own a dive bar and are terrible people. Thanks to its brilliant adlibs and totally un-PC treatment of African-Americans, religious people and the mentally handicapped,
Sunny
is actually acceptable to quote in hipster circles.
Mumblecore-esque FX series about four self-involved and inappropriate 30-somethings who own a dive bar and are terrible people. Thanks to its brilliant adlibs and totally un-PC treatment of African-Americans, religious people and the mentally handicapped,
Sunny
is actually acceptable to quote in hipster circles.
Jorts:
Shorts made from tight, old, cut-off jeans. See also: jeggings, jeedos.
Shorts made from tight, old, cut-off jeans. See also: jeggings, jeedos.
Levee, The:
Bar in Brooklyn that provides free cheese puffs, Blow Pops and board games. That’s basically all you need to know.
Bar in Brooklyn that provides free cheese puffs, Blow Pops and board games. That’s basically all you need to know.
Matchless:
Another Brooklyn tavern, best know for its “Two-Fer Tuesdays” and the bad decisions that ensue.
Another Brooklyn tavern, best know for its “Two-Fer Tuesdays” and the bad decisions that ensue.
McGorlick Park:
A park in Greenpoint near the BQE subway lines. Less popular than McCarren when it comes to picnicking and having sex under the cover of darkness, but still frequented by locals.
A park in Greenpoint near the BQE subway lines. Less popular than McCarren when it comes to picnicking and having sex under the cover of darkness, but still frequented by locals.
Missed Connections:
A section on the website Craigslist in which hipsters may channel their most angsty hopes and dreams, describing in lyrical detail men and women whom they admire from afar. Most denizens of Brooklyn scour them on a daily basis, but few will admit to doing so. The authors, for two, hardly
ever
visit this site.
A section on the website Craigslist in which hipsters may channel their most angsty hopes and dreams, describing in lyrical detail men and women whom they admire from afar. Most denizens of Brooklyn scour them on a daily basis, but few will admit to doing so. The authors, for two, hardly
ever
visit this site.
Moleskine
: Overpriced notebooks beloved by Ernest Hemingway and the adherents of hipsterdom.
: Overpriced notebooks beloved by Ernest Hemingway and the adherents of hipsterdom.
Murakami, Haruki:
Japanese novelist who writes about un-extraordinary men who sleep with beautiful women and have adventures. It’s pretty obvious why hipster boys dig these books. See:
Norwegian Wood
,
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
and
Dance Dance Dance
.
Japanese novelist who writes about un-extraordinary men who sleep with beautiful women and have adventures. It’s pretty obvious why hipster boys dig these books. See:
Norwegian Wood
,
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle
and
Dance Dance Dance
.
My So-Called Life:
’90s angst fest starring Claire Danes that we all related to sooooooooo much, especially that episode where Angela thinks that Jordan Catalano wrote a song about her called “Red,” but it was really just about his car.
’90s angst fest starring Claire Danes that we all related to sooooooooo much, especially that episode where Angela thinks that Jordan Catalano wrote a song about her called “Red,” but it was really just about his car.
N. 6th :
An easily accessible street in Williamsburg proper where many of the biggest hipster-douche bars are located (and a terminally bright American Apparel that was once ransacked by angry locals). The hardcore hipster set scorns anyone who lives in the general vicinity.
An easily accessible street in Williamsburg proper where many of the biggest hipster-douche bars are located (and a terminally bright American Apparel that was once ransacked by angry locals). The hardcore hipster set scorns anyone who lives in the general vicinity.
New York Muffin:
A baffling chain of pastry shops with locations in several Brooklyn neighborhoods. Basically a haven for bros, Trixies and the elderly.
A baffling chain of pastry shops with locations in several Brooklyn neighborhoods. Basically a haven for bros, Trixies and the elderly.
Park Slope:
Brooklyn neighborhood full of lovely brownstones and quaint shops. Where hipsters go to die.
Brooklyn neighborhood full of lovely brownstones and quaint shops. Where hipsters go to die.
Pete’s Candy Store:
Tiny concert venue in Williamsburg where a lot of famous indie bands once played. Sadly, there is no candy.
Tiny concert venue in Williamsburg where a lot of famous indie bands once played. Sadly, there is no candy.
Pitchfork:
An elitist music website that also hosts a concert fest in Chicago. If you are in a band, “making Pitchfork” is at once a blessing and a curse: For that one, shining moment you will be considered a “hipster darling,” until, of course, you rocket to stardom, and consequently, cross into the realm of
over
.
An elitist music website that also hosts a concert fest in Chicago. If you are in a band, “making Pitchfork” is at once a blessing and a curse: For that one, shining moment you will be considered a “hipster darling,” until, of course, you rocket to stardom, and consequently, cross into the realm of
over
.
Pool Party:
Free summertime concerts that used to take place at McCarren Park Pool (hence the moniker), but now occur on a grassy stretch near the waterfront in Williamsburg. Sometimes they get kick-ass bands to play, but if the act in question necessitates waiting in line, you’re better off drinking take-out margaritas from Turkey’s Nest Tavern and listening to your ghetto blaster in the park.
Free summertime concerts that used to take place at McCarren Park Pool (hence the moniker), but now occur on a grassy stretch near the waterfront in Williamsburg. Sometimes they get kick-ass bands to play, but if the act in question necessitates waiting in line, you’re better off drinking take-out margaritas from Turkey’s Nest Tavern and listening to your ghetto blaster in the park.
Red Hook:
A cheap, barely accessible area of Brooklyn where IKEA is located.
A cheap, barely accessible area of Brooklyn where IKEA is located.
Royal Oak:
A bar in Williamsburg that’s so douchey, it’s fun. Basically, everyone there sucks, so one just gets super drunk and dances, free of judgment. Consequently, bad decisions are always made.
A bar in Williamsburg that’s so douchey, it’s fun. Basically, everyone there sucks, so one just gets super drunk and dances, free of judgment. Consequently, bad decisions are always made.
Screamo:
A genre of music that merges metal and emo. Take a moment to conceptualize what this sounds like. If you are imaging a whining teen whose voice has just broken being pummeled with dodgeballs, you’re pretty much on the mark.
A genre of music that merges metal and emo. Take a moment to conceptualize what this sounds like. If you are imaging a whining teen whose voice has just broken being pummeled with dodgeballs, you’re pretty much on the mark.
South by Southwest (aka SXSW):
Music festival in Austin, Texas. Basically equates to hipster Spring Break.
Music festival in Austin, Texas. Basically equates to hipster Spring Break.
Strawberry Cough:
A sweet strain of marijuana ideal for old, pretty pipes.
A sweet strain of marijuana ideal for old, pretty pipes.
Tecate:
Cheap canned beer that’s often available when PBR is not. It comes with a slice of lime, which means it’s classy.
Cheap canned beer that’s often available when PBR is not. It comes with a slice of lime, which means it’s classy.
Tonic:
Bar in Manhattan. Sub-par food, sub-par drinks, sub-par atmosphere. Totally on-par with everything a hipster hates in a drinkery.
Bar in Manhattan. Sub-par food, sub-par drinks, sub-par atmosphere. Totally on-par with everything a hipster hates in a drinkery.
Torrent (v):
To steal music online, basically.
To steal music online, basically.
Trixies:
Former sorority girls who boast flat-ironed hair, perfect tans and designer bags containing tiny dogs. Such women often have jobs that require them to have pleasant telephone voices.
Former sorority girls who boast flat-ironed hair, perfect tans and designer bags containing tiny dogs. Such women often have jobs that require them to have pleasant telephone voices.
Trophy Bar:
A watering hole in south Williamsburg that used to be fun, then got lame, but is probably fun again by now.
A watering hole in south Williamsburg that used to be fun, then got lame, but is probably fun again by now.
Union Tool:
A tavern in Williamsburg whose official name is “Union Pool,” but is often referred to thusly because of the number of tools who frequent it.
A tavern in Williamsburg whose official name is “Union Pool,” but is often referred to thusly because of the number of tools who frequent it.
White hats:
Duders who wear those blindingly white baseball caps with stupid logos (e.g., Hollister Surf Co.) on them and listen to Dave Matthews Band.
Duders who wear those blindingly white baseball caps with stupid logos (e.g., Hollister Surf Co.) on them and listen to Dave Matthews Band.
Wreck Room:
A Bushwick bar that features cheap cream beer and myriad games. Although it is located in Brooklyn, it more resembles a Chicago or Boston drinkery—i.e., there aren’t that many attractive people there.
A Bushwick bar that features cheap cream beer and myriad games. Although it is located in Brooklyn, it more resembles a Chicago or Boston drinkery—i.e., there aren’t that many attractive people there.
PHOTO CREDITS
All photos are from shutterstock.com:
p. 20 © Brent Reeves
p. 22 © argo74
p. 26 © mrSarunas
p. 28 © Konstantin Sutyagin
p. 30 © DNF-Style Photography
p. 32 © newphotoservice
p. 35 © s.m.
p. 37 © Carlos Caetano
p. 39 © Majesticca
p. 47 © sima
p. 48 © coprid
p. 50 © David H. Seymour
p. 52 © feverpitch
p. 57 © Dallas Events Inc
p. 67 © jaymast
p. 71 © Piotr Marcinsk
p. 72 © dukibu
p. 74 © Mark Herreid
p. 75 © ArtmannWitte
p. 77 © jiri hera
p. 78 © bmcl
p. 86 © voronin76
p. 87 © nick stubbs
p. 90 © Baloncici
p. 92 © infografick
p. 93 © nobeastsofierce
p. 94 © Junker
p. 96 © stocksnapp
p. 97 © GWImages
p. 107 © JoLin
p. 112 © Jim Lopes
p. 114 © Vereshchagin Dmitry
p. 115 © Delmas Lehman
p. 117 © Marcin Wasilweski
p. 118 © vesilvio
p. 122 © J. D. S.
p. 127 © karam Miri
p. 128 © Lepas
p. 131 © Karkas
p. 132 © igorkosh
p. 134 © Tyler Olson
p. 136 © Dmitry Naumov
p. 137 © Losevsky Pavel
p. 139 © Lara Barrett
p. 141 © Chris Rodenberg Photography
p. 147 © gary yim
p. 148 © Roman Sigaev
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