Stubborn Love (21 page)

Today, 2:22pm – Mia

We stare at each other for
what feels like hours, but I know is only seconds. I’m trying to work out how
to answer his question. Well I know the answer, but I don’t know if he’ll
understand it, let alone if he’ll forgive me for it.

“Please don’t hate me,” I
whisper.

He looks at me confused as
he says, “I don’t Mia.”

You will.

“Please don’t hate me
Jared, I couldn’t bear it, can’t, I don’t want, I just…fuck.” My breathing is
coming in
hard,
violent bursts now, matching the tears
that are starting to fall.
I have to get this out
,
I have to tell him
. I need to say it. “Luke was why I quit,
and you,
you
were why I was coming
back, Jared. But my dad…my dad was why I didn’t, why I couldn’t.”

“What?” Jared says, his
voice both shocked and angry. “What are you talking about Mia, what the fuck
did he do to you?”

Not me Jared. You. It was always you. You are
who
I was protecting.

I take a deep breath. “He
found out and he threatened…” I’m struggling to breathe right now. “He
threatened to destroy you, your family…everything. And I…love…you…I’m sorry…I’m
so sorry…”

My words are a rush and I
no longer have any idea what I’m saying as my head falls and the sobs become
unstoppable. The pain I am feeling right now is like nothing else in this
world. If I’d thought losing Jared the first time was hard, it’s nothing in
comparison to now. Telling him all of this, seeing his face as I say these
words, as I admit I was wrong and that if I hadn’t been so stupid, if I could
have just stood up for myself, none of this would’ve happened. It hurts to tell
him how much I love him, to have to beg him to believe me, to even consider
taking me back. Once upon a time, those were the only words he wanted to hear.

It kills me to tell him
about my stupid fucking father. The man who’s not only destroyed so much of
mine and Luke’s life,
but has now also fucked up me and
Jared. I have no idea what he thinks, what he will say. Right now he’s saying
nothing and I am too afraid to even look at him.

And then all of a sudden,
Jared’s arms are wrapped around me. All of a sudden,
I am
surrounded by him
as he pulls me into his arms and his lap. My face is
buried against his chest and all I can smell is
him
.
All I can feel is his tight embrace, holding me against him.

“
Shhh
baby,” he whispers, his words stabbing me right through my broken heart. “It’s
okay, he can’t hurt you. I’ll never let him hurt you.”

I’m shaking, shaking
uncontrollably, wanting to tell Jared that it was only ever
him
who I wanted to protect from my
father. Jared and his amazing family, but all I can hear is Jared’s voice
telling me, “Mia, it’s okay. Please don’t cry baby, please.
Shhh
.”

My chest aches, it aches
so badly and there’s still one more thing he needs to know.
I
have to get it out
,
I have to tell him
. I
whisper the words against his chest now, wishing they were already inside him,
that I could skip right over this part.

“What?” he asks, pushing
me gently back so I’m forced to look at
him.

“There’s one more thing,”
I breathe out.

“What,” he asks, wiping
away my tears. “What else Mia?”

My tears continue despite
Jared’s attempts at brushing them away. I feel him moving, taking me with him
as he pulls me closer. I don’t even think about it, climbing further onto his
lap, just wanting to be as close to him as possible. I don’t want to move, I
don’t want to leave. I don’t ever want to let him go.

I bite
down on my lip, hard
,
sure I can taste blood
.
The sting jolts through me, forcing the words out before I can hide them again.
Taking a deep breath, I say it. I say the last thing I have to say to him.

“My father, he wanted
to…but that’s nothing, I, I was pregnant and I’m sorry and please, I love you,
I want you back, please Jared. Please…I’m sorry…”

And then I cling to him,
desperately trying to hold on.

Today, 2:59pm – Jared

Without even realising, I
let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. It comes out in a hard, sharp
burst.

Pregnant?

I don’t know what to say,
what to think, what to even feel. This is so much more than I ever expected it
to be, I can’t even begin to comprehend any of it. So in the end, I just
don’t
. For the first time since any of
this happened, I just stop thinking about any of it anymore. I stop thinking
and I give in completely, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her against
me until we are both wrapped around each other, not an inch of space separating
us. Mia sobs even harder now, her whole body shaking against mine.

I feel like I’ve been
punched in the gut, really fucking hard. I try to say something, anything, but
nothing will come out, all of my breath blown out of me with those three words.

…I was pregnant…

“I was coming back, coming
back to tell you, but then…then he showed up,” Mia sobs.

I can’t breathe. I can’t
fucking
breathe
.

I feel a sob in my throat;
a noise comes out that sounds completely foreign, as though it belongs to an
animal in agony and not a human being, not me. I have to force my lungs to
work, my head is spinning and I need air.

“You were pregnant?” I
whisper, surprised she even hears me.

“I was.”

“What…what happened?”

Mia buries her head
against my neck and I can feel her breath, hot against my skin. I don’t know
what to think; don’t know what I’m feeling. I’m overwhelmed at everything she
has told me, but at the same time, I feel happy and numb and elated and angry
and pissed off and frustrated and fucking livid, all at the same time.

I don’t know…I just…I
don’t know what to think.

“After I quit my job, I
found out,” she says, her words trapped between us. “I only wanted to come and
tell you,
be
with you. I wanted to be with you, to
have our baby. But I…” She’s sobbing even harder now and I can barely
understand her.

“What happened Mia?” I ask
again, needing to know.

I feel her pull back and I
look down. Her eyes are so sad, so incredibly sad. Sadder than I’ve ever seen
them before and it almost breaks my heart all over again.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

I don’t understand. I
don’t know what she’s saying sorry for now. “What?”

Mia takes a deep breath,
struggling with something. “I don’t even
know
…” she
says before her voice gives out. Taking another deep breath, she tries again.
“…
if
, if you would have wanted to have a baby with
me.”

Oh fucking hell, really? How
the hell can she think this? How could she have ever doubted what I felt for
her
;
what I wanted with her? I crush her against me. No,
no, no, no. Fucking hell, I wanted everything,
everything
with this woman.
The whole fucking
nine yards and more.
Jesus Christ Mia, don’t ever think anything
different,
ever
.

Fuck.

“Mia,” I whisper, not
really knowing how to explain any of this to her. “I wanted everything baby,
everything, you
know
that. But what
happened, just tell me, please?” I’m pleading with her, begging her to tell me
everything now.

I feel her lips against my
neck, her teeth as they gently bite my skin. I want her to bite me harder so I
can feel something, anything. Anything, except the fear I’m now feeling at what
she’s about to say to me.

“Mia?”

“I lost it Jared. After he
came to see me, I lost it…I wanted so badly to tell you…but…” She stops talking
as she tries to catch her breath. I want to tell her to stop, that I don’t need
to hear it, but I know deep down, that I do. So I pull her closer to me, try to
let her know it’s
alright
, that anything she tells me
is okay.

“…But I was so ashamed. At
the awful way I’d treated you, the things I’d said…the text…not coming back to
Boston…” Her sobs get harder and I’m not really sure how much longer I can let
her hurt like this.

“I felt like it was a
sign, a sign that this is what I deserved. That I’d pushed you away, I’d hurt
you, so badly… and because I couldn’t have you, I couldn’t have our baby
either… I couldn’t have any of it.”

Mia is bawling now, her
arms locked tightly around my neck like a vice. I don’t even know if she’s
cutting off my air because right now, I don’t think I’m actually breathing
anymore. I can feel tears on my face, my body shaking as I try to absorb
everything she has told me. Somewhere I can hear words. “Mia, Mia, Mia,” and I
realise it’s me saying them.

“I just didn’t know what
to do Jared, so I did the worst fucking thing possible… I did nothing.”

And then she buries her
face in my neck and sobs.

Today, 2:59pm – Mia

I am sobbing and I can’t
speak.

Although the weight of
carrying this around has finally been lifted, I thought it would be easier. I
thought once I told him, once I told him everything, it would all be easier.

But it’s not.

It hurts; it hurts so
fucking much, because Jared is right.

If I hadn’t been such a
stubborn idiot, such a stubborn fucking coward, none of this would have
happened. None of it would’ve had to happen. I could have been with Jared, and
I wouldn’t have wasted this past year
;
alone, in pain
and without him.

His arms are holding me so
tightly against him that I can barely breathe. I don’t even care, because right
now it feels like he’s holding me together. That his arms are the only
thing
keeping me together.

God, I have missed him.

I’m never letting him go.

“Mia,” he says and his
voice sounds so full of sorrow that I start crying all over again.

Neither of us says
anything for what feels like forever. Jared doesn’t let me go though and the
longer he holds me, the more I slowly start to calm down. He hasn’t let me go,
despite everything I’ve told him, and that means more than anything.

I hear myself speak. “I
was coming back, coming back to tell you, but then…then he showed up.”

I’m crying again and it’s
making me angry now, because all I want to do is get it all out. For the first
time in my life I actually want to talk, want to explain it to him. And these
fucking tears, that just won’t stop falling, aren’t letting me.

“You got pregnant?” Jared
whispers and I can hear the anguish, literally feel the fear or the pain or
whatever it is that he’s feeling right now.

“I was,” I say, knowing
it’s obvious I no longer am, that I didn’t stay that way.

“What…what happened?” he
asks, and I know he deserves to know. He deserved to know back when it all
happened. He was going to be a father. We were going to be parents, have a
family of our own and I went and took all of that away from him. I feel
unbearably sad right now, at everything I’ve done to him, everything I did and
still continue to do. I bury my face in his neck, breathing in his scent, which
right now seems to be the only thing calming me down. I feel Jared’s arms
tighten around me.

“After I quit my job, I
found out,” I say. “I only wanted to come and tell you,
be
with you.” I have to stop, catch my breath so I don’t rush this. He deserves to
know, he deserves to know everything, no matter how hard it is to tell him. “I
wanted to be with you, to have our baby, to have you back. But I…”

I suddenly stop, not even
sure if Jared would have wanted a baby. Shit, I didn’t even think about that,
not then, not now.

“What happened Mia?” he
asks, his hand running up and down my back, soothing me.

I pull back; force myself
to look at him. Jared’s eyes are looking back at me, his face a mixture of pain
and fear.

“I’m sorry,” I blurt out.

“What?” he asks, confused
again.

I take a deep breath, not
knowing if I should say this, think this or anything. “I don’t even know… if…if
you would have wanted to have a baby with me.”

“Mia,” Jared says, pulling
me against him. “I wanted everything baby, everything, you
know
that.” His words wrap around me like a warm blanket as I bury
my face in his neck, having my answer. I can’t believe I could have doubted it,
could’ve ever doubted
him
.

“But what happened,” he
says, his chin resting on the top of my head now. “Just tell me, please.”

His skin is against my
lips; his scent is flooding through my senses.
I am
surrounded by him
as he holds me in his arms. A place I never thought
I’d get to be, ever again. And now, now that I’m finally here, I’m about to
destroy it all over again. And the thought literally breaks my heart in two.
Again.

“Mia?”

But he deserves to know
the truth. I came in here to tell him the truth.
About
everything.
I have to tell him, he deserves to know,
he
needs to know. I need to tell him.

“I lost it Jared,” I blurt
out, my tears back again. “After he came to see me, I lost it… I wanted so
badly to tell you… but…”

Fuck…this is killing me; I
can’t do this to him, not now, not today.

I feel his arms tighten
again; pulling me closer and it forces me to continue. “But I was so ashamed.
At the awful way I’d treated you, the things I’d said…the text… not coming back
to Boston…” God, I can’t breathe anymore, I need to say this, but I don’t want
to. My chest is aching, my broken heart shattering all over again as I start to
feel Jared’s body shaking beneath mine. “…I felt like it was a sign, a sign
that this is what I deserved…”

I’m sorry Jared, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

I swallow, forcing the air
into my lungs. “…That I’d pushed you away, I’d hurt you, so badly…” Fuck this
is harder than I ever imagined it would be. “…And because I couldn’t have you,
I couldn’t have our baby either… I couldn’t have any of it.”

I have to stop now because
there is no way I can speak anymore. I’m clinging to Jared like he is my lifeline,
and truth be told, he is. He has always been there for me, through everything,
everything imaginable. He put up with all of my shit, all of my secrets and
especially my stubbornness. He begged me to talk, to open up to him and even
when I didn’t, when I still shut him out, he chose me.

He chose
me
.

And how did I reward him?
By pushing him away. By pushing away the one person who had done nothing but be
there for me. God, I don’t fucking deserve him, not at all, not anymore, not
after all of this.

He’s saying my name, over
and over again, asking me why. I don’t know, I have no idea…I don’t know what
he wants from me and all I can do right now is apologise, is tell him
everything, and finally come clean.

All I can do is tell him.

“I just didn’t know what
to do Jared…” I choke out, the tears making everything harder. “So, so…I did
the worst, the worst fucking thing possible…” I force a breath into my lungs as
I finally admit my biggest mistake.

“I did nothing.”

And then I turn and hide.
I turn and bury myself against him, hoping he’ll forgive me, but knowing this
is probably the last time I’ll ever be here, in his arms. Somewhere, deep down,
I know I have to savour this moment, because it will probably be our last.