Stubborn Love (19 page)

Today, 1:50pm – Mia

I have no idea how long
Jared has been gone for, whether he’s even still in the apartment or not. I
haven’t heard anything and he hasn’t come back into his room. His pillow
beneath me is soaked with my tears and still they keep falling. How, after
talking to him, after finally coming clean, can I still be fucking this all up?

My whole body is aching
now, my heart lying heavy in my chest, like a dead weight. I’m so tired of
carrying all of this shit around, of never being able to tell him about it all.
I’m so tired of missing him.

“Why didn’t you come back
to Boston?”

I lift my
head,
unable to believe he’s come back into the room.
Jared’s standing in the doorway, his hands clenched into fists by his side as
he looks at me with nothing but contempt.

I uncurl myself, forcing
my body into a sitting position, silently pleading with him to come back into
the room.
To sit on the bed with me.
To listen.

He doesn’t move from the
doorway, his body rigid with tension. The anger radiating off him is palpable
and it makes me terrified. Not because of what Jared might do, but because he
might turn around and walk back out, never giving me a chance to finish this
story.

“Will you come and sit
down,” I ask. “Please.”

Jared stands in the
doorway for what feels like forever, before he finally walks back into the room
and sits on the edge of the bed. It’s not like before, he doesn’t slide under
the covers like last time. Now, he sits on the edge of the bed as though he’s
about to bolt.

“Jared…”

“You were so cold Mia,
just pushing me away like that,” he says, cutting me off. I can hear the hurt
in his voice and every word stabs me like a tiny dagger, right through my
chest. “I mean texting me, what the fuck?”

I exhale, crossing my legs
underneath me as I slide a little bit closer towards him. Jared doesn’t move,
but I know he notices. “I know,” I whisper. “It was a really shitty thing to
do, I know.”

“So why did you? Why the
fuck didn’t you just talk to me, try explaining it?”

My fingers are tracing an
imaginary pattern on the duvet. I don’t really have an answer for him, except
that I was a chicken shit. There’s really no other way to say it. I was a
coward and a piece of shit and I ran. I ran and I hid, which is what I have
spent my whole life doing when things got too tough to sort out. It’s probably
why it hurt so bad when I thought Luke had run, because I always assumed he was
the stronger one out of the two of us.

And it turns out I was
right. At least he fought for what he wanted, whether that was getting away
from our father, living the life he wanted or even falling in love. Everything
he wanted, he fought for, just like I should have done. Like I always should
have done.

“Mia?” he asks again.

“Because I was scared,” I
finally get out, which is the truth.

I watch as his face
softens, some of the anger dissipating as though he’s afraid now. “Scared?” he whispers.
“Of me?”

I’m shaking my head before
he even finishes talking. “No, not you, never you Jared,” I say, hoping he
believes me. “I was scared of me.”

I watch as he runs a hand
through his hair, the brown strands immediately falling back in his face. It’s
so much longer than I ever remember it being and I wonder if he’s growing it. I
wonder why I’m even thinking about this.

“Why?” he asks me.

I tuck my own hair behind
my ears. “I was scared that if I let you in, if I told you why I was doing it,
then you’d somehow talk me out of. That I’d give in and have everything I
wanted, regardless of what it cost.”

“I would have found a way
to make it work for you Mia,” Jared says, reaching out and tucking my hair
behind my ear. I can’t help but flinch at his touch and he misunderstands,
tilting his head in response, almost in apology.

“I don’t know if you
could,” I say. “And that’s what scared the shit out of me.”

“I think what hurt the
most Mia,” he says, his voice quiet. “Was how easy it seemed, how easy it seemed
for you to throw me away like you did.”

I open my mouth to talk,
to try and explain that it was anything but easy, but Jared holds up his hand,
silencing me.

“It was like I meant
nothing to you, as though
we
and
everything we had together, meant
nothing
to you. And that hurt baby, it really fucking hurt.”

His words twist like a
dagger right through my heart, softened only slightly by the fact that he calls
me
baby,
just like he always used to.
I wonder if he even realises he said it.

“I know Jared, trust me. I
really know.” I tell him. “Despite what you think or what you thought it looked
like, it hurt me too, really badly.”

“I just can’t believe it
all happened like this,” Jared says. “It just seems so…I don’t know,
pointless?”

“What, us?” I ask, my heart
stopping at the thought.

“No,” he says, shaking his
head. “Not us,” Jared waves his hand around the room, as though this will help
explain it to me. “This.”

“What’s this?” I ask,
confused.

“This,” he says. “All this
misunderstanding, the confusion, the hurt. It could’ve all just been so easily
avoided, Mia. If only you’d talked to me.”

I sigh, my head falling as
I stare at my fingers, still tracing imaginary patterns on his duvet. I don’t
even know what he’s trying to tell me anymore.

“You think so?” I ask
quietly.

“I know so, Mia,” he
answers. “But you’re just too stubborn for your own good.”

I smile, because I can’t
help it. He’s right, I am stubborn,
I
always have
been. It’s a trait I got from my father unfortunately, Luke too. It’s not
something I’m proud of, but it is what it is. I can only hope in this instance,
trying to get Jared back, that my stubbornness ends up being a good thing.

I look up at him now,
still smiling. He’s staring back at me still, a mixture of frustration and
relief on his face.

“Yeah,” I finally say. “I
know I am.”

“So why didn’t you come
back to Boston then?”

Today, 1:50pm – Jared

I have to go back in
there…I know I do. I’m not walking
away,
I couldn’t do
that if I tried. I don’t even know why I stormed out of the room. I just needed
to get away from her before I did something really fucking stupid, said
something even stupider.

“Fuck.”

I stare at the half empty
beer in my hand and contemplate finishing it. I don’t
though,
I walk to the sink, pour the rest of it out and then turn and walk towards my
room. Whatever Mia’s reasons were for breaking us up, the one thing I really
don’t understand is why the fuck she never came back to
Boston.
Why didn’t she explain what she was going through, at least give me a chance to
understand, to come up with a solution.

I think all along, that’s
what has been the thing that’s hurt the most. She just walked away and didn’t
look back. No, actually, she pushed me away and then didn’t look back. She got
on with life, acted as though everything was fine and that all of those years
we’d spent together meant
nothing,
were nothing.

And that’s been the one
thing that’s fucking hurt the most, that I’ve never been able to get over.

And now, it’s the one
thing I know I need an answer to. So taking a deep
breath
,
I stalk back towards my room, opening the door. Mia is curled up on my bed,
crying. All at once, my body feels torn in two, one half of me wanting to go to
her, to pull her into my arms and comfort her, promise her that I’m right here,
that I’ll never walk away, that I love her. But the other half of me remains
standing at the door, unsure of how much more of this I can really take, how
much longer I can keep putting up with it.

Mia remains curled up,
crying, but I force myself to stand here and ask the question I need answered.
Despite the fact that my heart is begging me to go to her, to pull
her into my arms and comfort her.
I’ve never been able to see her upset,
never. And despite everything, right now is no different.

I feel my hands clench
into fists as I force myself to stay right where I am.

“Why didn’t you come back
to Boston?” I ask her, my voice sounding completely different for some reason.

I watch as Mia uncurls
herself from around my pillow and looks up at me. Her face is stained with
tears,
her beautiful blue eyes are bloodshot and puffy from
crying. But despite this, she still looks as gorgeous as she always does. I’m
struggling not to go to her, to not pull her into my arms and comfort her, and
I can feel my body tense up as I force myself not to move.

Yeah I’m being a dick, but
I want an answer first.

“Will you come and sit
down,” she says, her voice hoarse. “Please?”

I force myself to breathe,
knowing with every step I take towards her, my resistance against comforting
her will get harder and harder. I want to slide under the covers and pull her
into my arms. I want to hold her so badly right now. She looks at me with so
much hurt and regret on her face, that it’s painful for me to stand here and do
nothing. In the end I cave and walk towards the bed, forcing myself to sit on
the edge to reduce the temptation.

“Jared…” she says and it
breaks my heart hearing her say my name like that, and I can’t stop the words
as they come flying out of my mouth now.

“You were so cold Mia,” I
say, frustrated all over again. “Just pushing me away like that, I mean texting
me, what the fuck?”

I watch as Mia lets out a
long breath, sliding a little bit closer towards me. I want to move away, I
need to move away, but I don’t.

“I know,” she whispers.
“It was a really shitty thing to do, I know.”

“So why did you?” I ask
her, desperate for the reason. “Why the fuck didn’t you just talk to me, try
explaining it?”

Mia says nothing for what
feels like forever. She’s not looking at me anymore and I’m watching her as she
runs her fingers over the covers. All at once, memories of her running those
fingers over my skin, my body, crowd my brain, knocking down a little bit more
of that resistance I’m trying so fucking hard to hang on to. How easy it would
be to just reach over and pull her into my arms. How easy it would be to just
forget about what happened in the past, to forget about why she pushed me away,
why she stayed in Chicago and just pull her into my arms. Just hold her and
kiss her, all over again.

But I can’t, because I
need to know. I need to know exactly what happened so if there really is any
chance of a future for us, I know how to stop it from happening again. So I
squeeze my hands into fists again and resist, knowing it’s getting harder and
harder with every minute that passes.

“Mia?” I say, prompting
her.

She finally looks up at me
and her face is a mixture of fear and sorrow. “Because I was scared.”

And just like that, my
resistance starts to fall away again. Just like that, I start to give in, even
though I still don’t understand why. “Scared?” I ask her. “Of me?”

Mia shakes her head
immediately. “No, not you, never you Jared. I was scared of me.”

I exhale loudly, not
realising I was even holding my breath. “Why?”

“I was scared that if I
let you in, if I told you why I was doing it, then you’d somehow talk me out of
it,” she whispers. “That I’d give in and have everything I wanted, regardless
of what it cost.”

Mia’s head dips as though
she doesn’t want to look at me while she admits this. Her hair falls from
behind her ear and because my so-called resistance has all but fucked off
completely now, I reach out and tuck it back behind her ear, watch as she
flinches at my touch. That in
itself
hurts, but I just
want to see her face as she tells me why. I want to see her as she finally
admits the truth.

“I would have found a way
to make it work for you Mia,” I tell her, knowing I would have done anything
she’d asked me to, if only she’d asked.

“I don’t know if you
could,” she says, as she stares back at me. “And that’s what scared the shit
out of me.”

I can’t take my eyes off
her. I’m
caving,
I’m caving in so fucking easily.
She’s biting her bottom lip again and she has no idea how fucking sexy she
looks, even with her tear stained face. I want to lean in and kiss her, bite
that lip myself. I want to reach over, pull her into my arms and kiss and bite
her for hours. But I don’t, I can’t, because she still hasn’t answered my
fucking question.

I take a deep breath. “I
think what hurt the most Mia,” I tell her. “Was how easy it seemed, how easy it
seemed for you to throw me away like you did.”

I watch as Mia flinches,
as she opens her mouth ready to defend herself, ready to try and explain
herself, but now that I’ve started, I don’t want to stop, I want her to know how
I felt, how I still feel. I hold up my hand.

“It was like I meant
nothing to you, as though
we
and
everything we had together, meant
nothing
to you,” I say, watching as her face starts to crumble. “And that hurt baby, it
really fucking hurt.”

Shit, it slips out without
me even realising. Shit, fuck, shit.
So much for fucking
resisting.

“I know Jared,” she says
now, her eyes begging me to believe her. “Trust me, I really know. Despite what
you thought it looked like, it hurt me too, really badly.”

“I just can’t believe it
all happened like this,” I say quickly. “It all just seems so, I don’t
know…pointless?”

“What, us?”

“No, not us,” I say,
gesturing around the room and all the words that have been spoken in here last
night and today. “This.”

“What’s this?” Mia asks,
not understanding what I’m saying to her.

“This,” I repeat. “All this
misunderstanding, the confusion, the hurt. It could’ve all just been so easily
avoided, Mia,” I continue, my hand running through my hair. “If only you’d
talked to me.”

Mia’s head drops again and
she stares down at her hands. Does she think that I think we are too fucked up,
that we are un-saveable? Because I don’t, despite everything that’s happened.
Despite how fucking angry I was, still am. If she asked me again, I’d take her
back in a heartbeat. I know I would.

“You think so?” she
whispers, still not looking at me.

“I know so Mia, you’re
just too stubborn for your own good.”

She looks up at me finally
and this time there’s a tiny smile on her face. I smile back at her and
somewhere, something infinitely small, changes. Somewhere, we finally come to
some sort of understanding that is only further defined by Mia’s next words.

“Yeah,” she says to me. “I
know I am.”

And I actually smile at
the fact that she’s acknowledged it. But again, I need to know.

“So why didn’t you come
back to Boston then?”