Struggling Free (Hidden Secrets Book 5) (13 page)

“Wi
th
,” he finally said after a few tries.

“You
got it buddy.”

“Yay!”
He cheered. “Now you play
with
us?”

I
laughed. “Yes. I’d be honored.”

We
sat and played for a while. I was a car, a doctor, a construction worker, a kid, firefighter, cop, and so many other things. I should play with these guys when I need to warm up for an audition. As we played on the floor, I noticed how little they had here. Amber sat on the bed watching us as we played, writing in a notebook. A sad smile played on her lips. It was then that I was hit with what to do. I looked up at the ceiling and silently thanked my brother for telling me what needed to be done.

“Okay
guys. It’s break time for me. I need to talk to your Mommy.”

Tipping
my head toward the door which was the furthest away from the kids, we walked in that direction. She looked uncomfortable.

“I’m
glad my brother got to spend time with you before he passed,” I said quietly.

“Me
too. I’m so thankful for the time I got to spend with him. To reconnect. To love again. He was my one true love. It’s so hard to breathe sometimes. To know that he’s never coming back and that the kids will never know what an amazing father they had.”

Quickly,
I wiped away a tear that slipped from my eye. “I look at them and I just know that Eli is so proud of them. He never stopped loving you, you know?”

“I
know,” she said sadly. “Why did he have to die?” Amber suddenly sobbed.

I
wrapped her in my arms and held her while she cried. In all my own heartache and problems, it never registered at how much pain she must be in. He was my brother, but her husband and father to their children. Then it hit me on how Nate must have felt finding out after the fact. He didn’t get his chance to pay his respects and say his goodbyes.

Damn,
I am a prick. Not Danger. This was my fault.

When
she pulled away, she wiped her face. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t
be sorry. We’re family. I, and the rest of us, will always be here for you. You will always be family no matter what happens in the future.”

“Thank
you, Jake. I know the kids and I are a big shock for all of you at such a horrible time in your lives.”

“Believe
it or not Amber, but you and the kids are actually a healing factor for us. One none of us expected. We have a piece of Eli. He may physically be gone, but he lives on in those two beautiful kids. EJ is a spitting image of my brother. Though it makes my heart ache sometimes, it also takes some of the ache away knowing that he’s there, in those two.”

She
looked at her kids with a sad smile on her face. “He was so happy when he saw them. Once the shock wore off, of course,” she laughed sadly. “I had just answered the door, completely shocked to see him standing there. He didn’t even say anything to me. He just pulled me into his arms and kissed me. When I told him that I could have been with someone, he laughed and said I wouldn’t have kissed him back like that if I were. He’s right, of course. Anyway, just as he was about to kiss me again EJ came running out to ask for more juice.”

“What’d
he do?” My voice cracked from the overwhelming emotion I felt at the moment.

“He
stared at him in shock for a few moments, fell to his knees and cried. EJ looked at him. Without even waiting for me to say anything, he walked up to Eli, hugged him and told him it was okay. Then said ‘I love you, Daddy.’ That of course had Eli crying harder.”

“EJ
knew who Eli was?” I asked, shocked.

She nodded.
“They both did. I told them about him all the time. How we met was their bedtime story and we always looked through a photo album of pictures of him and me. I never intended to keep them from him this long. My job was sending me all over the place and by the time I knew it, they were two and he was showing up at my door.”

“He
deserves to be here to raise his kids. I prayed that day for God to take me, not Eli. Then when Vicky sat on that bed as he was calling out to you,” I shook my head. “I begged for him to live and me to go.”

“I’ve
been meaning to ask. Who is Vicky? She gave my kids their family. I owe her so much.”

“Well,
um, that’s kind of complicated.”

“How
so?”

“My
family has been going through a lot lately. I haven’t taken it very well. A member of the crew from a movie I was shooting picked me up when I was down and introduced me to drugs. Well, I finally realized what road I was going down. Danger sent me to Vicky to help get cleaned up. She posed as my girlfriend to everyone. Eventually, I thought we were moving that way, but then I did something inexcusable when Eli passed. She won’t talk to me now and I don’t blame her.”

“Surely,
she could understand you weren’t in the right frame of mind. You couldn’t have said something too horrible for her not to forgive it.”

“I
blamed her for Eli’s death, said everything but saying she was a whore,” I said, ashamed of myself.

“Oh,
Jake,” she gasped.

“I
know. It wasn’t my finest hour,” I said sadly. “I tried to talk to her to apologize, but she didn’t want to hear it.”

Amber
placed her hand on my shoulder. “Give her some time. That was harsh, but not unforgivable considering the circumstances.”

“I’m
not so sure about that,” I whispered.

“Are
you, um, clean?”

“Since
the day of Eli’s death, yes. I, um, kind of lost it and tried to kill myself. I have no urge to mess with it now. I wasn’t a huge druggie. I really only did it when I was home. As long as I was busy I was okay, but it’s when I wasn’t…” I shrugged.

“I
had a friend that did that. It’s good you decided to take action now before you did get bad.”

“Yeah,
that’s what I’ve been telling myself. Besides, I’ve got some nieces and nephews that need a role model,” I smirked.

We
fell silent for a bit. As we stood there watching the kids play off by themselves, I realized how precious life could be. In a single moment, you could be gone. I wasn’t going to waste a minute of my life anymore.

“Amber,
I’m curious about something.”

“What’s
that?”

“What
are you planning on doing?”

“What
do you mean?”

“Are
you planning on staying in the area, working with my dad like Eli asked for you to do?”

“Well,
I hadn’t really thought much about it. I mean, I don’t want to take the kids away from you guys. They really love being around all of you. I’d have to look for a place and take my bar exam for this state. It’s a lot to do,” she said sounding tired.

“Well,
that’s kind of what I came you over here for. I might be able to take part of the things to do off the table.”

“How
so?”

“Eli’s
house. You guys could have it.”

“Oh
Jake, no I couldn’t do that.”

“I
insist. Eli would too. The kids would have a backyard to play in, a stable roof over all of your heads, near all of us and the office.”

“I
don’t know,” she hesitated.

“Why?”

“Because I’d be surrounded by him. I already miss him so much now. I think it’d be worse there.”

“I
know. It was what I was thinking when I thought about having to go in there and taking care of it. He’d want you guys to have it. It would get the kids closer to him.”

“Are
you sure?” She said after a few moments of silence.

“Positive.
I strongly believe it’s what he’d want.”

She
nodded her head. “Okay. Okay, I’ll do it.”

Chapter Seventeen

Vicky

“Well,
to what do I owe this honor?” Asked the devil from my past. “You know how much I miss you?”

“Shut
up, Adam!” I hissed.

Adam
and I met when I was young. Life was a struggle for me. I was a trouble maker and didn’t trust a soul. When I met Adam, I was looking for someone to care about me. At that time, I didn’t want to be alone. It was far too desolate for me to continue on that way. So when Adam started showing interest in me, I bit. He wasn’t sexy or even hot. He was cute. At the time, Adam was also sweet and kind. To say that he changed, would be an understatement.

“So
bossy now. You weren’t like this when we were together.”

He
sat down in front of me and they cuffed his wrists to the table and his legs to the floor. Adam was put in prison after his attack on me that nearly killed me. When I finally had come out of my coma and they took my statement, he had racked up other charges that landed him in a high security federal prison. It was actually comforting to know he wouldn’t be getting out any time soon.

“When
we were together, I was a punching bag not a human.”

“Oh,
but the sex afterwards was out of this world,” he said almost dream like.

“For
you. It was hell for me, even before you hit me,” I shuddered for effect.

“I’m
the best you’ll ever have,” he said, cockily.

“No,
I just broke up with the best I’ll ever have. Just so you know one hundred times better than you. I could at least feel him inside me.”

The
guard started laughing and Adam tried to lunge for me from across the table. When he was stopped by the chains, it cued my own laughter. I was starting to feel better. Something about seeing how pathetic his life was made me feel better. It also reminded me that letting someone close was a fool’s mistake. My strength, that I’d lost since meeting Jake, was slowly coming back. I’d made the right choice by coming here.

“You
didn’t feel that way when we were together. Your noises prove my cases.”

I
mimicked the sounds I made with him to a ‘T’, then smiled big. “Yeah, I should have been an actress. It was the only thing I could do to drown your squeals out. I never had one single orgasm with you, never even got close.”

“You
think you’re so cute. I got my rocks off, that's all that mattered.”

“Yeah,
I know, you are all that matters to you which is why you are in here and not with a good woman living life. Instead, you rot in this prison while life passes by outside. Who really has a better life? Me, that’s who.” I stood from the table. “Well, this served its purpose,” I started toward the door before turning around. “One day you’re going to wake up and really see what you’ve done with your life and those in it. When that day comes, I truly hope you can find it within yourself to forgive yourself. It will be the only way for you to truly change. Change, Adam. You’re not all evil. The guy I first met wasn’t. In case you’re curious or wondering, I forgive you. It’s too big a burden to carry that hatred. Will I trust you? Do I want you in my life? Hell no, but I forgive you. Forgive yourself, Adam, so you can get a shot at life.” I turned and headed for the door.

“Vicky?”

“Yeah?”

“Why?”

I turned around and saw him looking at the table. That wasn’t his normal posture. He was a cocky, arrogant son of a bitch. So this new vulnerable version was hard to judge.

I
sighed and sat back down at the table. “Why what?”

“How
could you forgive me? I’ve been in here for a while. There’s been a lot of time to reflect on what I’ve done. I just don’t understand, how you could forgive the way I treated you. I took advantage of you. You know I did. Why would you even want to forgive me?”

It
was the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes that told me he’s being honest with me. This was the guy that I first met. The honest one. The one that his mama would be, and was, proud of. Maybe it was time that I was honest with him.

“If
there’s anything I’ve learned from this it’s this. Forgiveness is not for the other person, it’s for ourselves. I’ve carried around this hate and resentment toward you for so long that it changed who I was. I turned into an alcoholic being with you. It was the only way I could stay with you and the way you treated me. You coming home drunk as a skunk and beating me within an inch of my life is what woke me up. So as much damage as you caused me, you did save me in a way. It was forgiving you, and myself, that allowed me to see that.”

I
reached across the table and touched his hand. He grabbed hold with his own. It caused me to wince at first, but then I realized in that moment that he didn’t have control over me as he once had. Finally, after all these years, I was back in control of my life.

“Forgive
yourself Adam. I have.”

His
thumb ran back and forth on my hand for a moment before he looked up at me. “Was anything ever real between us?”

“I
thought so. In the beginning, I thought I loved you. Now, looking back, I don’t think it was. I think it was a scared and lost little girl looking for anyone to put me first. To care about me. After losing my parents the way I did, finding out the kind of man my father really was, I just wanted to prove that I deserved a better man than he was,” I shrugged. “It didn’t of course.”

“What
happened to your parents? You’ve never told me.”

“My
father cheated on my mother constantly. Mom actually caught him one summer while we were on vacation. I wasn’t old enough to understand then, but I do now. Mom was slowly dying inside, but she stayed with him because she loved him with all she was. In the end, it was that love that caused her to snap. My father had one of his whores in his study. Mom had left to pick up last minute birthday decorations. It was my thirteenth birthday,” I gave him a crooked smile.

“What
happened?”

“I
heard them and started walking toward the door when a heard a gunshot. I ran to the nearest door and hid. Heard my mom come in, they started arguing, I made my way to the office. The door was cracked. There was his whore on the floor naked, dead. Dad had said something about the woman being pregnant and demanding money from him. I didn’t hear it all. I couldn’t take my eyes off the woman. Then my mom grabbed his gun, shot him and then turned the gun on herself. It was as I got older that everything started clicking. Because of him and his greed, I lost everything that mattered to me. But it was more than that too. He took away my innocence. He took away my life because love wasn’t enough for him.”

There
was a silence for a moment. “I’m sorry, Vicky,” he said sincerely. “Then you meet me five years later only to have that thought of love not being enough further seated in your brain,” he added sadly.

“Yeah,
though I never realized that until now.”

“Yet
you still forgive me.”

“I
hated you. I hated you so much. Honestly, if they hadn’t caught you by the time I was out of the hospital, I had already had planned how I was going to kill you. Then one day the doctor I was seeing told me that I’d never have a life if I hid behind the hate for you. He said you’d always have control over me until I learned to forgive myself and you. He was right. The minute I was able to whole heartedly forgive you and myself, it wasn’t so hard to wake up in the mornings and I began to day by day take my life back.”

He
continued to hold my hand, playing with my fingers, entwining them. “Do you think that we could ever try again?”

I
laughed. “Oh, you’re serious,” I said when I saw no hint of humor in his eyes. “No, Adam, there is no chance. Though I forgive you, I could never trust you. You can’t have a relationship without trust. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t
be. I knew it was a shot in the dark, just had to try. Regardless of how I treated you, you were the best thing that ever happened to me. Find your happiness Vicky. You deserve it.”

I
pulled my hand away and stood. “Thanks. Take care of yourself,” I turned and headed for the door.

“I
love you, always have and probably always will,” he said softly.

“Love’s
a fickle thing, Adam. I probably won’t be back to visit anymore.”

He
nodded. “Yeah, I figured, that’s why I wanted to make sure I told you that.”

I
nodded. “Forgive yourself, Adam. Grab your life and take it back one piece at a time.”

With
that, I walked out the door.

As
I drove home, I felt different, lighter almost. That was the visit that the doctor had told me to have. The one where I finally told him and truly accepted the forgiveness for each of us. The paths we walk down are not what is laid out for us, but what we laid out for ourselves. Instead of heading straight back to the cabin, I decided to take a detour. One of my favorite spots, it was near my cabin, but last I heard no one owned the house that sat there yet so I could still sneak onto the property.

If
I only had the money, I’d buy this place too. It doesn’t have water on the property like mine does with the cove, but it has the most breathtaking view of the cove. The climb was a bit rougher than I remember. Maybe it was because I haven’t been out here in a while. The achy muscles were all forgotten when I saw the view that lay before me.

As
I lowered myself to the ground, I hung my legs over the cliff. Stretched out below me was forest and on the horizon you could see the cove. Not the whole thing, but most of it. The way the sun danced across the trees and sparkled off the water, it just filled you with a sense of peace. Peace was something I haven’t felt in a long time.

I
knew deep down to move away from Jake was the best decision for me. Even though my heart ached because of it, we weren’t right for each other. No matter how I looked at it and I tried, we just weren’t. He lived a life that forced you into the limelight. That was just a place I wasn’t willing to go. It was hard enough making it through the benefit that he dragged me to. If it hadn’t been for the fact that I was hell bent on putting that asshole in his place, I’m not sure I would have.

Jake
needed someone that was going to be okay with having their picture taken, followed, dressed up and all that. Unfortunately, that just wasn’t me. I’ll always love him, but it was time we both moved on.

“Now
this is a surprise,” came a voice from behind me.

I
screamed and nearly fell off the edge. “Son of a…” My voice trailed off when I saw the man standing behind me.

Damn
was he gorgeous. Dirty blonde hair with blue eyes, a smile that I’m sure has gotten him laid more times than I could count, muscular, wearing spandex shorts, no shirt that really left nothing to the imagination.

“I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Just didn’t know that this property came with such a beautiful surprise.”

Shaking
myself from my daze, I tried to form a coherent sentence. “You, the property, bought?” Well, I tried to anyway. My cheeks flushed red and I looked down at the ground.

He
laughed. “I did buy it, yes. I wanted the cove property, but I was told it wasn’t for sale.”

Finding
my tough side, I square my shoulders. “It isn’t and won’t be either. Sorry to trespass I just love this view.  I’ll leave now.”

Just
as I walked past him, he spoke. “Wait a minute,” he said grabbing my arm.

I
looked up into his eyes. “What?” I breathed.

This
man held my arm and stared down at me. His eyes grew darker and his breathing hitched. I watched as his eyes dropped down to my lips. A shiver ran through me. Twisting my arm free of his hold, I took a step back. Slightly shaking his head, he took a step closer to me, so I stepped back.

“If
you keep walking backwards, you’ll fall off the edge.” He smirked.

“Then
stop stepping closer,” I said in a shaky voice.

“I
can’t stop myself.”

“Well
try,” I wrung my hands in front of me.

He
took my hands in his. Raising my head, I met his eyes. The look in them sent another wave of heat coursing through my body. What was this reaction I was having to him? Confused, I was unable to look away from his eyes.

“What’s
your name?” He whispered as he looked down at me with fire in his eyes.

“Why?”
Was the only thing that flew out of my mouth.

“Because
I’d like to know the name of the woman that I’m inexplicitly drawn to.”

“It
doesn’t matter because we won’t see each other again.” I pulled my hands from his hold and started walking away.