Striker (42 page)

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that’s what you’re doing,
Amber thought, her heart quickening even more as she finally reached Room 325. Lifting her hand up slowly she balled it into a fist and made to knock on the door, but something stopped her. She paused for a second, closing her eyes, resting her forehead against the coolness of the wood as she tried to get her head together. But it was hard, when it was all over the place and had been for months now. A few more seconds wasn’t going to suddenly make her think any straighter, and as the image of Ryan and those girls filled her mind once more she opened her eyes and stepped back slightly, tapping lightly on the door.

‘Come in,’ Jim’s voice said from behind, and she carefully pushed it open, noticing the
‘Do Not Disturb’
sign hanging from the handle, which only served to make her stomach take another almighty dip. She knew what was going to happen once she closed that door behind her, but seeing that innocuous sign swinging from the handle made it all the more real.
 

Turning the lock until it clicked, she looked up as she walked into the room. Jim was standing by the window, looking out into a darkness that was punctuated only by the twinkling fairy lights that seemed to adorn every bush and tree in the hotel’s vast grounds. He was holding a glass of brandy in one hand, his other in the pocket of his suit trousers. His jacket was slung over a chair by the bathroom door.

‘I’ve always loved this time of year,’ he said, without turning round. ‘Everyone always seems so happy.’ He finally turned to face her, taking a small sip of brandy. He looked relaxed, which is more than Amber felt. ‘Don’t you think?’

Amber said nothing, just put her bag down on the dressing-table and walked further into the room, rubbing her hands up and down her arms.

‘Are you cold?’ Jim asked, putting his brandy glass down on the window sill behind him. ‘I can turn the heating up…’

Amber shook her head. ‘I’m not cold, Jim. Just, nervous.’

‘Nervous?’ he laughed. ‘Of what? Of
me
?’

‘Of what we’re doing.’

‘We’re not doing anything, are we?’

She looked at him, wishing he wouldn’t play these games. She had enough of that with Ryan.

He held out his hand and for a few seconds she just looked at it, not quite sure what to do. But before any sensible part of her brain could take over, she reached out and let him wrap his hand around hers, pulling her closer.

‘We are now,’ she whispered, playing with the open collar of his white shirt.

‘What are you doing with him, Amber?’

She looked up into his eyes, a million memories flooding her head, tussling for space, crowding her thoughts – the memory of that first time she’d seen him as a twenty-seven-year-old player whom her dad had taken under his wing; the memory of the first time he’d kissed her, the first time he’d touched her. They were all still there, still as fresh as the day they were made. She’d never be able to shake them. Ever. She just had to accept that. He was so far under her skin that he could never be erased, that was just the way it was. And probably would be, forever.

‘I don’t know anymore,’ she whispered, finally voicing a thought that had been going round and round in her head for weeks now. She didn’t know. She didn’t. ‘But, if I’m going to hazard any kind of guess, I’d say it was to forget you. I’m with Ryan because I need to forget
you
. And I thought that being with him would help me do that.’

‘And, has it?’

She looked down at her fingers as they continued to fiddle with his shirt collar, shaking her head as her eyes met his. ‘What do
you
think?’

‘Then leave him.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

‘Isn’t it?’

She pulled away, walking over to the bed, turning her back to him. ‘Things are complicated, Jim.’

‘Complicated how, Amber?’

She inhaled deep, knowing she couldn’t tell Jim too much for fear of him taking things out on Ryan by pulling him from the team, exposing his vulnerability; she risked letting the world know Ryan’s problems, when that was the worst thing that could possibly happen. For everyone’s sake.

‘Ryan needs me.’

‘That’s bullshit, Amber. And you know it.
 
Ryan doesn’t need anybody, and we’ve been through this, honey. We’ve been through this, and you know as well as I do that he isn’t going to change overnight. He’s young, he’s one of the most talented, most famous players this game has seen in a long while and he is going to milk that for all it’s worth, believe me. I’ve seen it so many times before.’ He paused for a few seconds as Amber turned around to face him again. ‘I mean, I’ve been there. Haven’t I?’

Amber said nothing. Yeah, he’d been there, and she’d been there with him. And now she was living it all over again with yet another handsome footballer who thought he could do anything with anyone and assume he could get away with it, no matter who got hurt in the process.

‘Leave him, Amber. Walk away. He isn’t going to change.’

‘Because nobody will give him a chance,’ Amber whispered, guilt flooding through her, which was quickly extinguished when those images of him at the bar reappeared once more, practically sealing the deal on what was going to happen in this room very soon.

Jim walked over to her, gently pushing her hair back off her shoulders, stroking her cheek with the palm of his hand as his eyes stared deep into hers. ‘He doesn’t deserve you.’

‘And you do?’ she asked.

He smiled, a smile that still had – and always would have – the ability to turn her world upside down. ‘I love you, Amber.’

She wasn’t sure how much importance she should put on those words anymore, after all, Ryan had told her he loved her, too, yet look at the way he was acting. If he loved her then surely he wouldn’t do the things he did? So why should she believe Jim any more than she did Ryan? She’d been right to avoid any kind of serious relationships over the years. They just complicated matters and intruded on your life in a way Amber didn’t welcome.

‘I’ve always loved you,’ Jim went on, his mouth moving closer to hers.

Amber felt her stomach dip and dive at a ridiculous speed and, despite every better judgement she could possibly have, she closed her eyes and let his lips touch hers, lightly at first before the kiss got harder, deeper, faster, until she had no choice left but to respond. She pressed her body against his, her arms sliding up around his neck, his hands pushing her closer as they rested in the small of her back. This was it. Those floodgates had been opened once more and the torrent was too quick to stem its flow, emotions too deep to ignore. Jim Allen was like some kind of cult she’d been sucked into, she couldn’t escape him. She couldn’t. She was too weak, too linked to him in some inexplicable way that she couldn’t disentangle herself from this web he’d spun round her.

His fingers slowly moved up her back, carefully untying the halter-neck of her dress, standing back slightly as it fell to the floor, leaving her exposed in just her most expensive black and purple underwear. But she didn’t care, she felt good – she felt sexy and turned-on and everything she’d always felt whenever Jim touched her. It was almost as if a kiss from him carried some kind of magic potion that cast its spell over her, turning her from rational to rampant in seconds.

She kicked her dress away, unfastening her bra as she walked round the bed, throwing it aside and turning round to face him, smiling as his eyes automatically lowered to look at her breasts.

Lying down on the bed she stretched out, raising her arms above her head, arching her back, pulling one leg up and letting out a gentle moan that served its purpose. Within seconds he was naked, lying over her, his fingers exploring, causing her body to break out in tiny goose bumps wherever they touched. She didn’t care about the shit going on in her life now. She didn’t care that Ryan was a messed-up soccer star who didn’t know how to control himself; she didn’t care. She didn’t care that her job was on the line, that her once-professional image was in question all because she’d let two men into her life that she should never have gone near. None of it mattered right now. All that mattered was that her childhood fantasy was back where he belonged, loving her the way she’d always dreamed he’d love her, touching her in places that made her crazy, that sent her head and her heart into tailspin.

She moaned quietly as his mouth covered one of her breasts, his tongue flicking, touching, his fingers moving down until they slid underneath the thin material of her panties. He pulled them down slowly, sitting up so he could watch her body finally become naked, and it was all Amber could do not to pull him down and make him take her there and then, so desperate was her need for him. Her breath was so fast, so shallow she thought she might pass out, her whole body aching for him in that all-too-familiar way, an ache that was eased only slightly by his hand sliding between her legs, touching a warm wetness that he’d created. She threw her head back, stretching out even more as his mouth kissed the base of her neck, her fingers clasped together, every confusing emotion clashing against each other inside her head until all she wanted to do was feel him inside her so she could forget them all for a few beautiful minutes. But he was in no hurry, and Amber groaned loudly as he brought her to the brink of what would have been a spectacular climax with his expert fingers, pulling them away before she could enjoy their work. It was like a pain she couldn’t turn off, couldn’t escape from, and she wanted him back there, back to bring her that release she so desperately wanted. So desperately needed.

Opening her legs wider he lay between them, his body resting against hers as his lips brushed over her shoulder, the side of her neck, until his mouth finally met hers in a kiss so beautiful she felt tears well up behind her eyes. This was how she’d always remembered him. This was the way Jim Allen had always lived inside her head, the way he was making love to her now. This was how she’d spent so many days and far too many nights, wanting to be with him all the time but knowing it could never be that way. Could it
be
that way now? Or was she just confused by all the raw emotion flying around?

All she knew was that, when she finally felt their bodies become one, that wonderful feeling of calm he always seemed to bring her washed over her like a warm, comforting blanket. His hands were on her hips, keeping their bodies connected as they moved together in that perfect rhythm, their mouths touching in a series of quick, frantic kisses in between breaks to breathe. He was pushing hard, taking her over in the most explosive way and there was nothing Amber could do to prevent her feelings for this man invading everything again – her life, her work, her relationships; he was there, constantly, and it didn’t matter whether she wanted him there or not, he was always present. But right now she welcomed it, she needed it; like a drug she’d been denied for so long, but now she could grab that fix.

With one final push it was over, her body filling up with a white-hot pain that only intensified every confused and irrational feeling she’d been experiencing over the last few months. Yet, in a strange way, at the same time it also seemed to make everything that little bit clearer.

Keeping her eyes closed as Jim rolled over onto his back, she felt a sense of inevitability hit her. And maybe she’d been fighting it for all these months, ever since Jim had arrived back in the North East, she didn’t know. She just felt that there was no way she could possibly move forward unless she admitted her true feelings. To everybody.

‘Jim…’ she began, turning to face him.

‘Everything okay?’ he asked, taking her hand, his fingers wrapping around hers, holding them tight.

Amber nodded, looking down at their joined hands. ‘This isn’t going to go away, is it?’

He shook his head, kissing her gently. ‘No. It isn’t.’

‘So, what do we do?’

‘You know what I
want
you to do, Amber. I want you to leave Ryan and I want you to be with me. I want us to forget the past, forget what happened all those years ago because this time things will be so, so different. No hiding, no secrets, no lies…’

‘But there
will
be lies, won’t there? Because I don’t want anyone – especially not my dad – knowing what went on before. I know I was sixteen when it started, I know we did nothing wrong in reality, but… I just don’t think it’s a good idea to rake it all up, do you?’

He shook his head again. ‘No, honey. I don’t.’

She said nothing for a few seconds, staring at their hands, watching as his thumb stroked her knuckles, listening to his breathing. ‘I don’t know if I can leave him, Jim. I don’t know if I can walk away from him, I really don’t…’

He sat up, looking straight at her and she sat up, too, pulling the sheet up over her nakedness, feeling slightly exposed now. ‘Has he got some kind of hold over you, Amber? Only, the way you talk about him, the fact you’re so reluctant to walk away, it’s all a little weird.’

‘It’s not weird, Jim.’ She got up off the bed, retrieving her clothes and quickly dressing herself. ‘But dumping him, just like that. For his
manager
? How is that going to look, huh?’

Jim got up, too, not bothering to cover his nakedness, and Amber couldn’t help but stare at him – he might be forty-eight-years-old now but he still had a body that most men half his age would kill for. His playing days were over, but he hadn’t let himself go. Far from it. ‘You want to take things slow?’