Striker (20 page)

‘When? Recently?’

She shook her head, still looking down at the ground, aware of the stadium inside erupting. It sounded like Red Star had scored an early goal. ‘It was a long time ago. When he was a player, here, at Newcastle Red Star.’

Ronnie frowned again. ‘Before you and me met, I take it?’

‘Way before. It was a long time ago, Ronnie.’ She shrugged. ‘Y’know, these things happen, we move on.’

Ronnie leaned back against the wall beside her, shoving his hands in his pockets as they both stared straight ahead. ‘I’m not getting this, Amber. Why did you never tell me?’

Amber shrugged again. ‘It’s not something I like talking about.’

‘And is there a reason for that?’

‘I was in love with him, Ronnie. I’ve been in love with him since I was fifteen-years-old…’

Ronnie looked at her. ‘Fifteen? Jesus, Amber, how long has this been going on?’

‘Twenty-two years,’ Amber whispered, still staring straight ahead. ‘It’s been going on for almost twenty-two years.’

‘Hang on…’ Ronnie moved so he was standing right in front of her, giving her no choice but to look at him. ‘Are you telling me that you and Jim Allen… You were
fifteen-
years-old?’

‘My dad had wanted him at Red Star for so long,’ Amber said, trying to avoid Ronnie’s eyes, but failing. ‘He pushed for the club to sign him, but you probably know that.’

Ronnie nodded. ‘Yeah. Yeah, I remember all the stories about him moving to Red Star. But…’

‘They hit it off straightaway, y’know? Him and my dad. Jim looked up to Freddie. He’d always admired him as a player, apparently, and even though my dad was at the end of his playing career, they still became really close. That’s why he was round our house so often. My dad had wanted him to settle in to North East life quickly so he could concentrate on his football…’

‘Amber…’

‘The second my dad brought him through our front door, that was it. I can still remember the day. I was sitting on the sofa, watching something on TV; I don’t know what, exactly… I was making a list of people I wanted to invite to my sixteenth birthday party – my dad had arranged for me to have it at the club, the old ground, as it was then. Tynebridge didn’t exist back in those days…’

‘Amber, I know all of that…’

‘I remember looking up when my dad walked into the living room; Jim was close behind him, and… my heart just stopped, Ronnie. It literally stopped. I know it did…’

‘But surely that was just some silly teenage crush? You were just a kid.’

‘I was old enough.’

Her eyes met his and Ronnie stared at her, frowning again. ‘Old enough for
what
, Amber?’

She looked back down at the ground, twisting the ring she wore on her right hand round and round her finger. ‘He came to the party. A few of the Red Star players did, I mean, it was my dad’s club at the time, wasn’t it? Of course a few of them would be there. I think that was half the reason I had so many guests, when word got round the whole school who was going to be there…’
 
She trailed off for a second, still staring down at the ground. ‘Jim he… he paid me so much attention. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, having this gorgeous footballer smiling at me and talking to me and… He wanted me, too, Ronnie. I could see it, I could
feel
it…’

‘Jesus Christ, Amber.’ Ronnie ran a hand through his hair, turning away for a second. ‘You were just a kid. Please tell me nothing happened.’

‘Not that night it didn’t.’ Amber’s voice was quiet, her attention distracted slightly as the crowd inside the stadium erupted again, signalling another Red Star goal. Was Ryan out there playing the game of his life, thinking she was watching him, when she’d missed it all because of her ridiculous attempts at trying to get Jim Allen out of her system? ‘I went to his apartment a week or so later…’

‘You went to his apartment? Amber, you were sixteen-years-old!’

‘It wasn’t fucking illegal, Ronnie!’ She hadn’t meant to raise her voice but he was starting to aggravate her now. Or maybe she was just frustrated with herself, for being so weak.
 

‘You
slept
with him?’

‘What the hell did you
think
I went to his apartment for? A post-match report? My head was turned, okay?’

Ronnie stared at her, grabbing her hand so she couldn’t get away, couldn’t avoid telling him exactly what was going on. ‘And?’

Amber felt her shoulders sag. She hadn’t
wanted
to tell anyone about this, but it didn’t look as though she had much choice now. ‘We met in secret after that. Regularly. I just wanted to be with him, that was all. I fell in love, and I just wanted to be with him. And for almost two years…’ She swallowed hard, looking away for a second. ‘But then he found someone else, didn’t he…? He found someone else, and he just walked away from me as though I’d never even existed.’

Ronnie loosened his grip on her hand slightly, the pain in her eyes more than evident now. ‘Is that when you moved to
Manchester
? To do your degree?’

She nodded. ‘But then I went back home, didn’t I? Once I’d graduated I went back home to find that Jim’s relationship was over, and I let him back into my life, Ronnie. Just like that. I let it happen all over again, and that’s the way it was for another couple of years – back to the secrecy and the lies because nobody could know about us. He didn’t want that, and neither did I. And it was good, y’know? Good having him back in my life because I’d never stopped loving him. Never stopped wanting him. Everything he did… stupid little things like… like the way he said my name with that accent of his… it used to make my stomach flip over and over and… I loved him, Ronnie. I loved him. And things were so good, things were great, until… until he hurt me a second time. Until he just walked away and left me as though I’d never mattered to him at all.’

‘It sounds as though you didn’t.’

Amber looked up sharply, slightly angry at Ronnie’s response. What did
he
know? ‘I mattered to him, Ronnie. I know I did.’

Ronnie said nothing. He thought better of it. She was quite obviously not in the mood to listen to his opinions on the matter. ‘But you didn’t run away a second time, did you?’

She shook her head, still twisting the ring round and round her finger. ‘I didn’t need to. His playing days were over by that point. He had no real reason to stay in the North East.’ Amber kicked the heel of her shoe against the wall in a reflex, almost nervous, action. ‘He promised me he would never come back up here, Ronnie. He promised me that. He’d hurt me so badly – so, so badly and he knew that and he promised me with all of his heart that he wouldn’t come back up here. Because as long as he was around, I was going to want him. And that wasn’t fair, because if I couldn’t have him…’

‘But you can now.’

She looked back up at Ronnie. ‘Yeah. I can.’

Ronnie leaned back against the wall beside her, running a hand through his hair. ‘What happened just now, Amber?’

She continued to kick the wall behind her, staring down at the ground. ‘We had sex. In his office.’

‘Jesus… with Ryan next door? Amber…’

‘But that’s it. That’s it. He’s out of my system now, and somehow I found the strength to walk away from him, okay? I turned and walked away from him. Just like he did with me.’ She looked up at her best friend, her voice quiet, although its calmness defied everything she was actually feeling. ‘It’s been so hard, Ronnie. I really thought I was over it, over
him
. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t set eyes on him for all this time, is it? I’ve seen him on TV, I’ve always known he was there, existing… but I always thought I was handling it well. I’d feel a slight pang of – something, I don’t know what, but whatever it was I always managed to push it away and get on with my life, but… but seeing him in the flesh… that’s so different…’

Ronnie turned his head to look at her. ‘I’m assuming Freddie knows nothing about any of this.’

Amber nodded. ‘And I don’t ever want him to know, Ronnie. So please, don’t tell him. Okay?’

‘Come on, Amber. What do you take me for?’

‘And that goes for Jim, too. I don’t want him to know I’ve told you anything about what happened between us.’

Ronnie turned his head away from her, staring straight ahead again. ‘And to think I was worried about you and Ryan.’

‘I can handle Ryan. I can handle the likes of him better than anyone really gives me credit for.’ She looked at her best friend, well aware that this news had shocked him slightly. Maybe she wasn’t as bad at keeping a secret as she’d first thought she was. ‘It wasn’t that I didn’t ever want a serious relationship, Ronnie. But, when Jim hurt me the way he did it… it made me put up that wall, shut myself off from any prospective advances. I didn’t want to put myself in a position where someone could hurt me like that again.’

‘Is that why you really ended it with me?’

She shrugged. ‘I don’t know. Maybe subconsciously that was the reason, I really don’t know. Maybe I got scared and ended it before anything could happen that could leave me open to the kind of hurt Jim put me through. All I know is that he messed me up. He instilled something in me that made me unable to trust people. Which is why, I guess, I prefer spending time on my own rather than in the company of other people.’ She smiled weakly at Ronnie, who reached out to take her hand again, squeezing it gently. ‘Except you, of course. I
love
spending time with you because, for some reason, you’re the only person I can really trust.’

‘What did he do to you?’ Ronnie whispered, reaching out to push the dark red hair from her eyes.

‘He didn’t
make
me fall in love with him, Ronnie. That was my own fault.’

‘And now he’s back?’

She looked at him. ‘I’ve got to be strong this time. I can’t let him do it to me again, not a third time. That would just be embarrassing.’

Ronnie couldn’t help but laugh as she smiled at him. But even though she was making a joke of it, he knew it was far from trivial. ‘So, where does Ryan fit into all this, then?’

Amber started stroking Ronnie’s fingers as they clung onto hers. ‘I genuinely love being with him, Ronnie. But I really did go into that relationship with my eyes wide open. Despite what you all think, and what you probably
definitely
think now, I know the kind of person he is. I’m aware of his reputation, and I’m by no means looking for a future with him. I just want some fun. And maybe it’s about time I got back on that horse, huh? Maybe it’s time I really did try to forget Jim Allen once and for all and move on with my life.’

‘Do you think you can do that?’ Ronnie asked, squeezing her hand again.

‘I’ve got no choice. I can’t let him get to me, I mean, I’m not that sixteen-year-old girl with a crush anymore, am I? I’ve grown up.’

‘It’s not going to be easy though, is it? I mean, you have a working relationship with this club, too. You’re gonna have to face him for all sorts of reasons.’

‘Yeah, I’m well aware of that, Ronnie. But what else can I do? Quit my job because I just might have to interview Jim Allen at some point in the future?’

‘You could move away. You heard what Max Mandell said to you a few weeks ago. There’s work for you down in
London
…’

‘I don’t
want
to move to
London
, Ronnie. I want to stay here, and I’m sorry if that makes me sound like some kind of small-town girl but I like it here. I like my life. I like my job. And I like Ryan Fisher, okay?’

‘And, are you sure you’re not just using him, Amber? As a way of deflecting your feelings for Jim Allen?’

‘Jesus, hark at Mr. Psychologist over there. No. Alright? I’m not “using” him. But we’re not exactly exclusive, either. He can do what he likes, and I’m sure he feels the same way about me.’

‘Do you think he’d be happy if he thought you were sleeping with his boss?’

She let go of his hand, heading back inside the main entrance, ignoring his question. ‘And anyway, what happened today was a one off. It won’t happen again.’ She looked straight at Ronnie, that determination she’d felt when she’d walked away from Jim making a welcome return. ‘It won’t happen again.’

Chapter Nine

‘A few of us are going down the casino later, if you’re up for it.’

Ryan tucked the phone between his shoulder and chin as he filled the kettle, listening as
Gary
laid out his and a few of the other Red Star players’ plans for the night. A few drinks in a bar on the Quayside, a few hours in the casino, then maybe a club followed by, who knew? That last instalment all depended on who happened to be around at the time. ‘I don’t know, Gaz,’ Ryan said, flicking the switch down on the kettle. ‘I’m kind of tired, y’know?’

Gary
laughed down the line. ‘Come on! Ryan Fisher turning down a night of drinking, gambling and women?’

That was
exactly
what Ryan should be turning down. ‘Hey, I’m with Amber now, remember?’