Stern Desire Love Redeemed (27 page)

"He is out with Aunt Magg enjoying the
facilities."

"Jared, please don't spoil my son."

"Kyra, you give him whatever he wants and he has not lost sight of who he is. Furthermore, he's going to be our son soon. Did you
call his school?"

"I'll call in the morning."

"I love you, Kyra."

"Thank you, baby. I love you, too," I said yawning.

Before he left the room, I was out.

.

I vaguely remembered Jared and Nate coming in. Nate to say goodnight and Jared with what I think was chicken soup. I sat up, took a couple of sips, and handed the soup bowl back to Jared. He forced fed me the rest. I
was out again before my head hit the pillow.

I woke up at 10 PM thinking it was morning. Jay was not in bed. I checked his office and he was not there. I looked upstairs and noticed
that there was a light on in Nate's room. I went upstairs. The door was ajar so I peeked in. Jay and Nate were up playing video games.

"Come on, Nate. It's bed time. You have school in the morning."

"Mom, it's still early. I usually go to bed at 10:30.
Five more minutes, Mom," Nate said as he focused intently on the television screen, his fingers fastidiously working the controls.

"Five minutes, babe," Jay assured me.

.

Jay came to bed a few minutes later. He drew me into his arms, threw his leg around, and pulled me into his hard body as though he was afraid I wouldn't be there when he woke up. Early morning I had the urge to
pee. While washing my hands in the bathroom, I heard a God awful, gut wrenching cry coming from the bedroom. The hairs at the back of my neck stood on end. It was Jared.

I rushed back into the bedroom and Jared was tossing and
turning all over the bed, sweating profusely like he was in the fight of his life.

"No! No!" he muttered. "Not her, not my baby...not my baby."

"Jared, please wake up," I begged.

He was so restless that I was scared he would accidentally hit me, but I hated to see him like this, so tortured. Sitting on the side of the bed next to him, I lay on his chest and put my arms around his neck. He slowly relaxed. His lips found mine and kissed me tenderly.

"Mmm...oh, Christine," he moaned.

My heart sank. I pulled back. He opened his eyes and looked at me all confused. His hand reached up to touch my cheek as if to verify that
I was there.

"Jay, you were having a nightmare."

"Thank God," he said with relief and pulled me back into his arms.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

"Jay, I think you should. Please talk to me," I urged.

"It was one of those very mixed-up, confusing dreams." He massaged his forehead.

"What do you remember?"

"I was back in Rio reliving that horrible day. It started with Chrissy. Then it was you wearing the exact dress she had on, but it was torn and bloody...then I was in the shop. You stood up as you saw the
car coming toward you, and you were pregnant."

That's eerie.

"Jared, I think you need to talk to someone. It's been six years, babes, and you're trying to handle it all by yourself. You have a
lot of unresolved issues and your brain is going haywire trying to process it all. Please let me make you an appointment. Give it a try for me."

"I've been down this road before."

"Babes, I'll go with you. I'll be there in the waiting room supporting you from a distance...please...do this for me."

"I'll do it for you," he agreed.

"Thank you." I gave him a brief kiss on the lips.
From my playlist, I selected Sarah Brightman's Requiem Pie Jesu, a song that had always brought me comfort in tumultuous times. I slid into bed next to him and took him in my arms, his head cradled against my breasts. The most superb,
angelic operatic voice washed over us.

I stretched in bed and reached over for Jay. His pillow was cold. He was not there. I moaned as I stretched and the discomfort in my bottom resurrected the vivid memories of our last night lovemaking.

"
Looking for me?" Jared asked from the foot of the bed. He was dressed in a dark gray suit ready for work.

"I hate waking up and you're not in bed next to
me."

"While you were sleeping, I took our son to school." He sat next to me and tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear. I turned and kissed the palm of his hand as he stroked my cheek.

"Can you meet me in the office? I have the papers for
you to sign."

"What papers?" I asked sleepily.

"The adoption papers." He kissed me on the lips and left the room.

How was I going to tell him I couldn't sign those papers and how silly that was knowing I was already pregnant with his child - if I decided to keep it. Everything was too soon - too soon for me to be pregnant and to allow him to adopt my son. My heart was telling me it was not the right thing
to do. I was terribly conflicted; fear was the deciding factor.

I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Why didn't I feel happy or lucky like I should have? Jared Stern was my boyfriend. What
girl would not want to be where I was right now? Instead I was considering getting rid of our unborn child.

"Jared, I can't sign those papers." I closed his office door behind me and walked over to his desk.

He glanced up from the file in front of him and leaned back in his chair.

"Kyra, I don't understand. Why have you changed your mind?"

He was heartbroken. It was obvious in his voice, but I
couldn't sign those papers.

"Jared, we have not been dating a year, and here you are asking me to legally share my son with you. You have my heart, but my son...I am not willing to share so soon. Jared, I need answers about you that
you're not willing to share with me, so until then... until you're able to open up and let me in, I can't. What kind of a mother would I be signing my only child over to a man who's so mysterious and I wish I knew better?"

"Kyra, one thing you must know and that is that I love you and Nate more than anything."

"I know, Jay, but please understand where I'm coming from. That is not enough. I'm not saying I won't ever. I'm saying not right
now. Not until you can open up to me...share with me, please."

He placed the file back in the desk drawer, looking disappointed. "They'll be there when you decide," he said.

I wished I did not have to do this to him, but I had to.
Maybe I should push him a bit harder.

"Do you know what this relationship feels like?" I asked, frustrated that after so long I still had so many questions and no
answers were forthcoming from him.

"What, Kyra?"

"An uncomplicated one. All we really share is sex."

"How the hell can you say that, Kyra? All I want, more
than anything else, is for us to be a family," he said trying to control his anger.

"Jay, you have said things that do not make sense to me."

"What did I say, Kyra?"

"What do you mean when you said you are a damaged man?"

He leaned back in his chair eyes downcast. His face looked tortured like he was fighting some internal demon.

"There are things that are very difficult for me to
talk about, Kyra. Things that I wish I could tell you but..."

"But what, Jared?" I pleaded. "Please talk to me. Tell me something. I'll understand. Remember, I've been there. That's
something we have in common. Please let me in," I begged.

He sighed. I stretched my arms across his desk to him. He slowly and uncertainly put his hands in mine. I squeezed his hand reassuringly. He looked me in the eyes and the pain I saw there broke my heart. He was
hurting and scared.

"Kyra, I don't want to lose you."

"Baby, please talk to me. Let me help you."

He shook his head and I was certain he was about to shut me
out.

"Jared, you take care of everybody. Having someone take care of you is not such a bad idea, and it does not make you less of a man. Please let me take care of you," I beseeched.

He sighed. "After Chrissy died, I was slowly dying from a broken heart. I had no life. I was dead on the inside. I did not eat and I slept excessively - woke up tired like I hadn't slept in days. I'd be up for
twenty-four hours and then sleep for forty-eight hours, and that cycle kept on repeating itself. I was told I had hypersomnia. Not to mention the pain I had in my heart, a physical pain like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I felt like I was having a heart attack constantly, day in and day out. I prayed
I would have one and that it would put me out of my misery. I wanted to die too, Kyra...and I tried."

Shit, did he just say he tried to kill himself?
I was
scared that whatever came out of my mouth might not be therapeutic, so I swallowed any remarks and tried to keep a neutral look on my face. Deep down I was shocked and saddened by the depth of his pain. He was truly damaged and needed some serious help.

He pulled his hands from mine, and placed them in his lap. I heard the rattling of the bracelet of his stainless steel watch. Then the metallic snapping sound as he repeatedly unlocked and locked his watch. His head lowered, mind deep in thought contemplating his next move. The metallic
snapping sound stopped. With his right hand, he placed the stainless steel, blue diamond Rolex submariner, adorned with baguette diamonds, on the desk and slowly raised his left hand and put it on the table, palms up. Across his wrist
was a thin, healed scar. I did not have to ask what happened. I did not want to put him through that agony of explaining. He had slashed his wrist trying to put an end to his life.

I was shocked and so saddened by his pain, my heart ached
for him. I reached over for his hand and he recoiled. I got up, walked around his desk, sat in his lap and placed my arms around him. His head nestled against my soft, full breast: the perfect pillow for his troubled head. He
timidly wrapped his arms around me.

"I know this was hard for you. Thank you...thank you, babe," I whispered.

His arms tightened around me. Then he let out a sigh of relief and relaxed. This was the beginning. I picked up his watch and placed it
back on his hand, trying not to touch his scar. I gave him a tender kiss on the lips.

"I love you so much," he said softly.

"I love you more."

"That's impossible," he said and brushed his lips against mine. "You have given me renewed life. Akyra Harris, you have been able to do what no one else has. You have given me a reason to truly live, and
have pumped life back into a heart that I thought was not capable of loving again. Thank you, babe, for sharing your life with me, and making me want to be a worthier man for you."

That was so romantic but a bit scary. He had attempted
suicide when he lost his pregnant girlfriend. What would he do if I decided to leave him? What if his other secrets were more than I was willing to accept?

His phone rang and interrupted our breakthrough moment. He placed the call on hold.

"Sorry, babe. I have to take this." Our faces inches away from each other, he caressed my cheek as we stared at each other. The pain had vanished from his eyes. My beautiful hazel eyes sparkled back at me, pulling me into him. Our lips met so softly and tenderly, he caressed his
lips against mine. Wanting to taste him, my tongue sought out the sweetness of his mouth. Sensually we drank from each other. Breathlessly and unwillingly, we tore ourselves away from each other.

"How do you feel about going out on the town tonight?" Jay asked.

"Where do you have in mind?"

"The club."

"Sound's good. Can I invite Jenn and Miguel?"

"That's a good idea. What are your plans for today?"

"I'm going to get my hair done."

"Please take Shai with you," he said.

"I will," I promised and left him to take his call.

Thank God I did not get to that low when Rob died. I had Nate to keep me sane and I had to be there for him. I was the only parent he
had.

.

Shai was in the foyer browsing through the morning paper while a workman on a ladder worked meticulously on the front door.

"What's going on?" I asked Shai.

"Mr. Stern is having the security system
upgraded."

Why was I not surprised? Everyone's coming and going would now be monitored all because of me, I assumed.

"Sorry about yesterday," I told Shai.

"No problem," she said. "Will you be going out today?"

"I'll be going to the salon after breakfast. I'll let you know when I'm ready."

I was going to do as I was asked. I didn't want to freak
Jared out today again. I'd come to fully realize that he had some deep issues with losing loved ones, and I was positive that nightmare he had last night might have sprung from yesterday's events when he could not find me. His
nightmare was pretty disturbing. I was wearing the same dress Chrissy had on. The dress was bloody and torn and I was pregnant. That's a frightening dream - even I was scared by it. Was it an omen? A sign of something to come? That dream
gave me such a foreboding feeling. I had no doubt that this pregnancy would be high risk. The way I felt was eerily similar to how I felt when I was pregnant with Nate, and that was a scary pregnancy with plenty of close calls. I did not want to get pregnant ever again if I had to go through a similar experience. I
was pregnant with twins and lost one early in the pregnancy. I had to live every day with the uncertainty of carrying the baby to full term. The day-to-day worry, just praying I'd make it through another day. Being
hospitalized for weeks unable to keep even water down and being fed intravenously to provide sustenance to the baby. And when things really got dicey, I had to lie in bed upside down, and my final option was a cerclage -
having my cervix sewn shut. I did not want to relive that, especially with Jared. I doubt he would have been able to handle it.

I walked into the kitchen and found Aunt Magg eating in the breakfast nook.

"Can I get you some breakfast, Miss Kyra?" Betty
the housekeeper asked in her thick Spanish accent.

"I'll help myself, Betty. Thank you."

"I'll do for you, Miss Kyra," Betty insisted.

"Have a seat, Kyra," Aunt Magg said. "I'll get you something."

"I'm sure you have other things to do, Betty. I'll get her something to eat," Aunt Magg said as she got up to prepare me
something.

I was not up to eating, but I needed sustenance, so I forced myself to drink the oatmeal porridge and picked at the toast Aunt Magg placed in front of me.

"How are you feeling?" Aunt Magg asked as she
joined me again at the table.

"I'm doing fine."

"So when are you going to tell him?" she asked under her breath, and then looked around to make sure that she was not
overheard.

"Aunt Magg, we have discussed this before. I don't know what I'm going to do," I whispered back.

"I know you'll do the right thing."

"You have more faith in me than I do in myself."

"Don't make this decision based on fear. It is a coward's excuse."

"Maybe I am."

"A coward you are not. That's how I know you will do
the right thing."

"Aunt Magg, did you say anything to Mom?"

"It's not my business to say," she answered.

Jared breezed into the kitchen. Gave me a kiss on the cheek.
"Gotta go, babe. Call you later."

"Thanks again, Aunt Magg," he said as he breezed back out.

I turned to Aunt Magg. "What is he talking about?"

"I forget to mention it, but I took care of that
security issue at Nate's school."

I had forgotten to make the call to his school. "What are the arrangements?"

"Private drop-off and pick-up. The passwords are the
same."

"Does Jared know the password?"

"Yes, he knows the password. I knew you were going to call the school, so I made the necessary arrangements."

"Thanks, Aunt Magg. By the way, why is Mom spending so much time in Orlando? Is she seeing someone?"

"That also is not my business to say."

"Come on, Aunt Magg, you can tell me."

"Yes, she is."

"I knew it! Rachel will have to pay up."

"You two have a bet going?"

"Yes, and I won." I gloated.

"Why hasn't she said anything?"

"She'll tell you when she's ready."

Aunt Magg leaned back in her chair and took a sip of her tea. "Do you realize how alike you and your mom are? So it should not be a
surprise that she has not said anything to you as yet about her new romance."

"I'm curious. How alike are we?"

"Nobody is good enough, and you both always find a
reason to chase men away without giving them a chance."

"Well, I'm picky when it comes to men."

And yet I ended up with Jared Stern, a man with more secrets
and issues than any man I'd ever met.

"You both don't trust men."

"We have our reasons."

"You both are so secretive with each other about your relationships."

"I can tell you anything, Aunt Magg, but when it comes to my mom I don't think she believes anyone is good enough for me, so I don't tell her anything. Or she is the last to find out and then she gets offended."

My mom loved Gregory Carmichael, my dear friend from high school. In her eyes, he was the man for me. When I ended up with Rob, I knew she never approved. She loved Jared. I was not surprised. Who wouldn't? But I also knew that she would not condone the pregnancy, moving in with Jared even
if it was weekends only, or letting him adopt Nate.

After breakfast I called Dr. Russell, a well-known psychotherapist, to make an appointment for Jared. Then I left with Shai at my
side to go to the salon to get my hair done.