Status Update (#gaymers) (16 page)

“What’s happening in February?” Noah seized the topic change, settling back down against the pillows. Adrian always got mellow when he talked work.

“There’s a big PAX conference in LA on President’s Day weekend. We’ll be debuting several new features, talking up the big release. And for the first time, I’ll be one of the demonstrators.”

“That’s awesome! It means Chris must really believe in you.”

“I guess. Actually, I was thinking...You’re off that weekend, right? Campus holiday?”

“Yes,” Noah said slowly, dread coalescing in his stomach. “It’s the weekend after the tenure committee meeting and—”

“That’s what I thought! What I was thinking was you could come for PAX. And if your meeting goes well, we’ll celebrate. And if it goes terrible, I’ll take your mind off it. And you can see my shower in person.” Adrian kept his voice light, but Noah picked up on a nervous undercurrent.
Damn.

“If it goes badly, I’m not going to be fit for human companionship.” Noah tried to meet Adrian’s casual tone and failed miserably.

“And that’s why you
need
something to look forward to. And I was doing some googling the other night. You know there
are
other jobs for archaeologists out there. Some sound really fascinating. If you don’t make tenure, it might not be the end of the world.”

Dear God. Noah wasn’t so dense that he couldn’t hear the hope in Adrian’s voice. He wouldn’t go so far as to say that Adrian was hoping Noah failed on the tenure quest, but he had a feeling Adrian wouldn’t be shedding any tears on his behalf if it fell through. The past few weeks, Adrian had done more speculating about the future, little hints here and there about wanting to keep things going after December. And Noah was a total coward and hadn’t put him off yet.

Because you want it too.

He liked what they had too much to crush Adrian’s spirit and end it now, and that made him the worst kind of bastard. He liked finding gluten-free recipes for the slow cooker and imagining sharing them with Adrian. He loved telling Adrian how many pages he’d edited and having Adrian shower him with emoticons. Digging through his movie collection, trying to find obscure ones for Adrian to tear apart made him happy.

And he’d never been more productive. Another few days and he’d have the book ready to send in, almost a full week early. He never could have predicted that a month ago, and he owed so much of it to Adrian.

Six pages of acknowledgments and you can’t thank the one person who really matters.
Adrian was the last person he thought about each night, and the first thing Noah did when he woke up was to check his phone.

Another weekend together? Impossible. He was in way too deep as it was.

There wouldn’t be a spring for them. Heck, there shouldn’t even be a Christmas for them. Noah knew this. But it still stung like he’d slid down the face of Church Rock.

“Adrian.” Noah’s voice quavered.
Heck.
He wasn’t going to be able to say it. “I’m not sure I can think that far ahead,” he finished lamely.

“Yeah. I get it,” Adrian said stiffly. “I know you need to focus on the book and all right now.”

Thank you.
Noah grabbed onto the ropes stopping his slide into the dark place that was the future without Adrian.
Focus on the book.
Not the pain.

“I’m almost done. Did I tell you? I write the conclusion tomorrow. Then a bit more proofing, and it’s off, and I can email the chair that it’s done.”

“That’s wonderful. I get it, Noah. I do. I’m going crazy with this rover stuff. Rob keeps coming up with more tweaks we need to do. I know what you mean about not being able to think of the future. I’m having a hard time thinking beyond next week when this goes live.”

Noah’s throat was tight. Adrian was making excuses and he shouldn’t let him. They were both clinging to Christmas as a reward for making it through December’s deadlines, but Noah knew this wasn’t the healthiest. It was like when he’d put on fifteen pounds while writing his dissertation, having a blueberry muffin with every Chapter he finished. He’d learned the fallacy of such rewards, and while a hundred times sweeter, Adrian was no less problematic. Noah’s coping skills needed some serious work.

* * *

Noah was putting the finishing touches on packing for Denver when his phone buzzed.

“Weather’s still terrible,” he said without looking at the screen. “But I’m heading out no matter what tomorrow morning.”

“Glad to hear it. Landview’s been too quiet without you.” His chair—quite possibly the last person Noah
ever
wanted to use his “boyfriend” voice with—boomed a greeting.

“Uh-huh. Happy Holidays, sir.”

“I’ve told you for five years now, you can call me Chuck when students aren’t around.” Big of him. Really. “And none of this PC business. You’ve been away too long. Merry Christmas. Christ our Lord is born. You should come with Marilyn and me to our church’s Christmas Eve services. We’ve got a real donkey this year.”

“Uh. Tempting, sir. But I thought you were...my mother when I picked up my phone.” Adrian could forgive him the lie, right?
Not Adrian you should be worrying about.
He needed to worry about himself and how easily the lie slipped from his lips. Noah
never
lied. But the last month was proving him possible of even the lowest transgressions. “I’m due at her house tomorrow. I’ll be back at Landview next week though.”

“Good. Good. I saw your email about your book heading out to the publisher. I glanced at the file. Looks good, Walters. Well done.”

Noah’s stomach churned. Why didn’t the chair’s praise feel nicer? He’d spent the past year worrying about pleasing Dean Morrison but now all he felt was ill, hands cold and clammy, bile rising in his throat.

“I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what the tenure committee says. I hope they agree with your assessment.”

“Oh, you know that’s just a formality.”

What? No. No, he most certainly did
not
know that. He’d been sweating for months, thinking there was a very good chance he was on his way out, and it was a
formality
? And why wasn’t he literally dancing up and down right now?

“Really?” he said weakly.

“Of course. Stop by my office when you get back. I’ve been praying about your return. We’re going to do good works this next term. I can feel it.”

That makes one of us.
He said the appropriate things to bring the conversation to a close, then sat there studying his phone. He should be thrilled. He should be calling Adrian, telling him that the chair loved his book, that his goal was finally in reach. He should want to tell someone, right? But his news was going to break Adrian’s heart. Heck, it was breaking his own. He didn’t want to tell anyone. What he wanted to do was curl into a ball, pray for good roads tomorrow, and forget that success tasted an awful lot like loss.

Chapter Sixteen

Adrian’s mother had scoffed when he’d mentioned maybe getting a rental car for his trip. “Really, darling. Evan can give you a ride to your...friend. Or you can borrow my car if you need to drive so badly. I doubt I’ll go out much.”

“I can have the Mercedes while I’m in town?” Growing up, no one was allowed to touch his mother’s car, and now she’d upgraded to a luxury SUV. And yeah, he was still bitter about getting the car that Rachel and Emily had driven into the ground. First-world problems and all that, but some young part of him had leaped at the chance to have his mom’s sweet ride and save some cash.

And that had been a huge mistake because here he was getting dropped off at the RV park like some fifteen-year-old. And he was going to smell like Chanel all darn evening from being cooped up with her and her heater cranked to blast. All because his mother had “forgotten” a holiday party a colleague was throwing. She drummed a well-manicured finger against the steering wheel as he collected the dog and his backpack. He hadn’t even gotten to drive over here. He supposed he should feel good she didn’t make him ride in the back seat with Pixel.

“Took your friend long enough to get here,” she said, glancing at her silver watch.

“Traffic was terrible. He’s lucky he missed yesterday’s snow.” Adrian was impatient too, but he wasn’t going to show that to his mother.

“And you could have left the dog at the condo.” She shook her head, a fresh wave of perfume heading his direction.

“No, I couldn’t have. Sheeba thinks he’s a squirrel and is just waiting to hunt him for dinner.” Sheeba was his mother’s ill-behaved long-haired cat.

“Oh,
Adrian
.” His mother gave a long-suffering sigh. “We’ll see you both for Christmas Eve supper tomorrow right?”

“Right.” He gave her a kiss on the cheek. “See you later.”

“Adrian. Be safe?” She called as he walked away. Yup. Totally still fifteen. He was lucky she hadn’t left condoms on his bed when he was packing stuff up that afternoon.

“Always am.” He blew her a kiss. It wasn’t physical risk she should be worried about. Adrian was more worried about his heart. In the past month, he’d fallen deeper into love with Noah, which was dangerous, foolhardy stuff. Especially when Noah had been dodging his hints about making plans for the spring. Meena and Rex kept giving him knowing looks at work, and Meena was all on about how he was bending over backward for someone who didn’t deserve—

Noah opened the door and Adrian forgot everything other than how much he’d missed this man.

“You’re here,” they said at the same moment. They stood there, eating each other up with their eyes for long moments. The door banged shut behind them, Pixel and Ulysses barked a happy greeting to each other, and they still stayed suspended in a weird emotional haze.

“I missed—” They spoke in unison again and broke off laughing, which broke the spell holding them in place. He pulled Noah to him, intending only a hug, but Noah latched onto his lips, kissing him with a desperation that stole all Adrian’s air. His hands tangled in Noah’s hair, dragging him closer. Noah sucked on Adrian’s lips and tongue, a month of longing coming across in his every motion.

Adrian totally dug this more aggressive Noah, and he met him kiss for kiss, frantic caress for frantic caress.

“Need...” Noah whispered in his ear.

“Yeah.” Adrian was on board with whatever Noah needed. He could have anything at all. Noah’s hands were sure on Adrian’s fly, no hesitation there as he drew out Adrian’s cock, and he dropped to his knees before Adrian registered his intent.

This was new. For all they’d done at Thanksgiving, they hadn’t done this, but Noah seemed determined to make up for lost time now.

“I’ve been thinking about this for weeks,” he said, looking up at Adrian. “It’s been driving me nuts that I don’t know what you taste like.”

“Uh.” Adrian made a vague noise of agreement before his head clunked back against a cabinet. His jeans fell around his knees and hell if he cared.

Noah didn’t play around, didn’t mimic what Adrian always did with lots of licking and teasing. No, he simply went for it, gulping Adrian’s cock down like he was starving for it. And holy hell, that was the biggest fucking turn-on ever.

“Slow down. Don’t wanna come,” Adrian panted. He hadn’t shot in under twenty seconds since he was a horny teenager, but Noah had him perilously close to the edge.

Noah responded with a long, slow suck that seemed to take part of Adrian’s spine with it. He looked down at Noah, stroked his hollowed cheeks.

“You’re so fucking sexy,” Adrian murmured. “And you love this, don’t you?”

Noah broke away for a second, nuzzling Adrian’s balls. “Didn’t think I would. But I kept fantasizing...Sucked on my own fingers the other night. Wasn’t the same. I
like
how you taste.” He sounded slightly amazed at the revelation.

“No objection here.” Adrian grinned down at him. “Whatever feels good to you. And you don’t have—” Whatever he’d been about to offer was lost in a rush of pleasure as Noah sucked him in again.

Noah worked his tongue in tandem with the blissful suction like a pro.
Day-um.
Adrian wasn’t going to last with this sort of assault. Noah’s hands on his hips. Noah’s hot, wet,
eager
mouth. Noah’s beard bristling on his thighs.

“Gonna...”
Buzz.
Buzz.
His phone buzzed against his knee. “Fuck it.” He kicked his pants across the room.
Buzz.
Buzz.

“You want...” Noah broke away, face flushed, lips swollen.

“Yeah. I
want
.”
Fuck the phone.
He pulled Noah back toward him, the sort of rough handling he hated when it happened to him, but Noah groaned lustily and lapped at Adrian’s slit before swallowing him down again.

“Right there, baby. Not gonna last.” He gave Noah the briefest of warnings before his thighs clenched, balls lifting, eyes slamming shut with the force of his orgasm. He felt Noah swallowing around him, and that was enough to coax out a few more spasms.

He collapsed to the ground, dragging Noah with him into a heap.

Buzz.
Buzz.
His phone went nuts again, but he ignored it, pulling Noah into his lap.

“Hi.” He smiled dopily at Noah. “That was some greeting.”

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to jump you—”

“Don’t apologize.” Adrian stole a kiss. He kind of liked making out after a guy went down on him, liked the reminder of what had just been given to him, but he went slow in case Noah was squicked out by it. Noah met him eagerly enough though, and his hard dick pressed insistently into Adrian’s stomach.

“Mmm. And what would you like?” Adrian asked.

Buzz.
Buzz.
Buzz.
Jesus Christ. Couldn’t his phone give him twenty minutes? If there was a problem with the rover racer launch, he did
not
want to hear it, but Noah, ever the conscientious dude was dragging Adrian’s pants over.

“You’ve got missed calls from your mom, Rachel, and three from Emily,” Noah announced handing the phone over. “Think you ought to check in?”

“Fuck.” This was worse than work because he couldn’t ignore his family even though he really wanted to push Noah down on the carpet and give him a greeting worthy of that amazing hello he’d given Adrian.

“Just call them.” Noah smiled indulgently. “I’ve waited a month. I can wait another ten minutes.”

Pixel climbed up on Adrian’s shoulder and Ulysses nudged his knee. Fine. Mood officially fucking broken.

Buzz.
He didn’t have to even dial before his phone was ringing again.
Deron.
Oh hell.
The baby.
Cold dread filled Adrian as he answered.

“Is Emily okay?” he asked, guilt flooding him. What if he’d been getting blown and ignoring something terrible?

“She’s fine.” Deron’s strung out tone belied his words. “So good, man. Your sister is a rock star.” His voice broke and there was a rustling sound.

“Don’t go crying again, Big D.” His sister came on the line. She sounded tired. And slightly high. “Addie?”

“Yeah, sweetie?” He pulled up his pants.

“Addie, the baby’s here. It was all so fast! We almost had a car birth.”

“Oh thank God. And he’s healthy? Everything went okay?”

“She. It’s a girl, Addie. You have a niece!” True to her personality, Emily had gone for the big drama of not learning the sex of the baby until delivery.

“Oh wow.” His first niece. A warm glow spread down his neck, into his chest.

“And I really need you to come meet her.”

“I will.” He grabbed for his shoes. “Tonight? Or you need to sleep?”

“Tonight
.
I...
we
...we’ve got a surprise for you.”

“For me?”

There was a sniffling sound. “Addie, we named her Noelle Adrienne, and you better come meet her so I can stop weeping, okay?”

“Okay,” Adrian said dumbly. “You named her after me?”

“You’re the reason D and I ever got together, Addie. We owe you everything.” More sniffling. “Say you’ll come?”

“I’m on my way,” he promised, throat thick.

“I’m so sorry,” he said to Noah as he hung up. “But I need—”

“Already on it.” Noah was rushing around, getting stuff ready for the road. “You’re an uncle again? And they named her after you? Of course you’ve got to go.”

No pouting? No complaining? Their evening was upended, but Noah damn near whistled as he brought in the bump-outs and got the seats in position for the road. He really was the perfect guy for him.

* * *

Finding parking for a motor home was never easy, but the hospital was particularly tricky. Noah ended up having to settle for the roof of a parking garage, taking up multiple spots and hoping he didn’t get ticketed. They had a long, cold walk to the hospital, but Adrian practically ran all the way to the maternity ward, leaving Noah struggling to keep up.

He’d offered to stay in the RV but Adrian had looked at him with big eyes. “You don’t want to meet my namesake?” he’d asked. “My
namesake
. What were they thinking?”

“They were thinking they love you a lot.” Noah’s nose itched, and he had to scrub at the bridge of it.

And so he found himself trailing behind as Adrian pushed into a crowded room full of people Noah vaguely recognized from the wedding, but Adrian had eyes only for the tired-looking Emily holding court on a large hospital bed, cradling a teeny-tiny pink bundle.

Noah’s chest felt tight. He remembered the middle-of-the-night dash to the hospital when Ruth had his first nephew. He’d been home on spring break, hoping he’d get lucky to catch the arrival of the baby, and on his final day home, he had. Watching Adrian kiss his sister, Noah had to clench his fists around the tide of emotions. His hand bumped against his phone.

No one was paying him a bit of attention, so he took his phone out, dashed off a quick text.
Thinking
of
you
and
the
kids.
Have
a
good
Christmas
Eve
tomorrow.
Kiss
the
kids
for
me.
She deserved so much more, but even that effort had his hands shaking. Why did family have to be so complicated?

“You want to hold her, Addie?” Emily asked, and a chair was shoved forward and a half-dozen camera phones readied to capture the moment, Noah’s included. Adrian sat in the chair, and Deron transferred the tiny bundle from Emily to Adrian as if he had a million-dollar piece of crystal in his big hands. The room must have been exceptionally dusty because Noah’s nose started itching again, eyes suspiciously moist.

A tiny fist poked out of the blanket, grabbed onto the finger Adrian held out, and something sharp poked Noah, right in the gut. Adrian’s whole face filled with wonder.

“She’s beautiful,” he said on a huff of air.

“She looks like you did,” Adrian’s mother said. “Look at that little mouth. She looks more like Adrian than Emily.” The whole room laughed but something inside Noah hurt
.

“Hey now,” Deron said, hovering over Adrian. “She’s got my hair at least.”

Everyone laughed at that, as the baby’s thick head of black curly hair was way more than what sprouted from her father’s bald dome.

“She’s got your nose,” Adrian offered, stroking the tiny head.

The baby made a small cooing noise and the room let out a collective
aww
.

“I think she likes you, Uncle Addie,” Emily said.

“Of course she does.” Adrian’s mother dabbed at her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief. “Adrian’s always been good with kids.”

Adrian didn’t even look up from the baby, just continued to make funny faces at her. She was his whole world in that instant. Noah could see everything clearly—the life Adrian wanted. The life he deserved. The life his family wanted for him. Adrian’s family might give him a hard time, but there was so much love in the room, Noah felt almost smothered by all the feelings. This was a group that loved intensely.

“You like kids?” Emily asked, and it took Noah a second to realize she was talking to him.

“Uh...” He had no idea how to answer the fifty-ton boulder of a question.

“He was great with the boys,” Rachel said from her perch in the window seat. “They can’t wait to see you tomorrow night.”

“That’s...great.” Noah was having a hard time forming a thought, let alone words.

“You know, Addie, I
loved
being pregnant. Loved. If you ever wanted...” Emily trailed off, yawning.

“Em, you’re still high on the good drugs.” Adrian tucked the baby back in beside Emily. He kissed her head, but not before Noah saw the flash of longing on his face. Noah knew that feeling—his insides had twisted up into a Gordian knot of wants when he’d held his nephew, but unlike Adrian, he’d had to bury those feelings, shove them beneath the limestone layers of his heart. Adrian had a sister who was practically offering to have a baby for him, an extended family who would welcome whatever non-traditional family Adrian wanted to show up with. Noah had...nothing. Nothing at all to offer Adrian.