Starting Point (32 page)

I snorted, despite what he was saying. “Don’t make any decisions just yet,” I told him. “Thank you for telling me what’s on your mind, but like I said before, let’s not make any life changing decisions today.”

Matt nodded, but I could tell he’d already made up his mind. One thing about Matthew Elliott, was once he’d made up his mind, there was no going back.

I lay down on the bed and left my arm out as an invitation. He put his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around him and he snuggled himself into me.

I kissed the side of his head. “I love you, Matt,” I told him again.

I could feel his lips smile against my chest, but his breathing soon evened out and he fell asleep.

I lay there thinking about what he’d said. I could understand the logic behind why he would want to leave—I just didn’t think he should.

It had taken six months, but Matt was finally smiling again. Laughing and joking, even humming to himself. It was the old Matt, the Matt I fell in love with. The way his eyes shone and how they crinkled at the corners when he smiled.

It had been gone for a long time.

There were daily reminders, like the scar in my eyebrow, the slight discoloration across my left forearm—left behind by the metal bar Tomic had used to snap it—and the subsequent weakness of my left arm. It had been over twelve months. With specific exercises and weights, it was almost back to normal. Almost.

The scars on the inside took much longer to heal.

For Matt, the scars had festered until they’d nearly killed him. Literally. He had almost died from cage fighting—his time at the FC had almost killed
us
.

I’d never imagined it would be the FC that would save him.

The way he smiled, the kids he taught and helped. It had really made him live again.

He’d deny it and tell me it was me who saved him, and maybe that was partly true, but his work at the FC gave him purpose. He’d really found his place in the world.

I loved turning up and helping out, partly to help the kids and the guys like Arizona, but also so I could see Matt in his element. Seeing him run through classes with those kids and helping them find a better life—and seeing him thrive on it—reminded me of why I fell in love with him.

Matt rolled onto his side so he faced me, and snuggled farther into me. If he was ever restless, I would simply kiss his forehead, or touch him, or speak softly to him and even in his sleep, he would settle.

I wrapped my arm around him, pulled the sheet up over us and closed my eyes.

I woke up to the sound of the TV on. It was still much too dark and Matt was sound asleep beside me. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table to check the time. It was ten past three.

I walked downstairs to find Claude lying on her side, staring at the television. The only light was the flickering of the screen, and even then I could see the blankness in her eyes.

“Hey,” I said softly. “Can’t sleep?”

She shook her head a little.

“Want me to sit with you?”

She hesitated for a second but then shook her head again. “No,” she said weakly.

“I can sleep down here if you want?” I tried.

“‘S okay,” she mumbled. “Can turn it off if it’s bothering you.” She reached out for the remote control.

“The TV’s fine, Claude,” I said. I rubbed her arm. “Just checking on you.” I pulled the blanket up over her little body. Oscar stirred on his bed in the corner and sat up when he saw us. I patted my thigh, motioning for him to come over, and when he did, I picked him up and put him on the sofa bed with Claude.

She never took her eyes off the television, she never smiled. But her hand found the soft felt of Oscar’s ear and when he lay down beside her and closed his eyes, I watched them for a heartbreaking moment before I went back upstairs.

I climbed back into bed, and this time when a still-sleeping Matt pulled me into his arms and kissed the top of my head, I welcomed it.

* * * *

The next day, we spent the morning taking Oscar for a walk. We thought the fresh air would do us good, and a slow walk along the trails we used to run might give Claude an appetite. She’d hardly eaten in days.

She certainly hadn’t said a great deal.

She was quiet, withdrawn and barely responded to anything. She was lost in her head, and Matt and I were at a loss for what to do.

Matt had spoken to Boss on the phone and told him he’d call him in a day or two. The fundraising day was fast approaching, but Matt had reassured Boss everything was organised. Then he spoke to Mitch for a long while, who just wanted to know his friend was okay. In the afternoon, when Claude was watching TV, Matt went out onto the deck and called Tamara’s office.

He told her about Ruby, and how he’d yelled at him the day before he’d disappeared. I sat beside him and held his hand. He told her about his double episode of vertigo, and about Darius McInnes and Tyler James and how there’d been a gun. He told her he was thinking of leaving the FC, because he couldn’t bear the thought of me being in danger.

“Tamara, I was considering cutting back my appointments,” Matt said, giving my hand a squeeze. “I thought I was ready, but I’m not. Not even close.”

I blinked at his words, not expecting them at all.

Matt swallowed hard. “The very last thing I said to Ruby wasn’t very nice. It was warranted,” he added. “Ruby was doing the wrong thing, and I chipped him for it. I don’t think it was unreasonable, but he must have.”

I could hear the hum of Tamara’s voice as she spoke to him through the phone.

Matt nodded to whatever she’d said, then he said, “No, Kira’s right here.” Tamara said something else and Matt looked at me. “Tamara wants to be on speaker. Is that okay?”

I nodded, and Matt pressed the speaker button. Tamara’s voice came through loud and clear, “Kira, Matt said there was an incident outside the FC and there was a gun. I’m really glad Matt called and I’m glad that you’re taking time to reflect and talk. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I told her. “It all happened so fast I didn’t really see anything. Matt pushed me and Claude back into the gym. He kept us safe.”

Matt rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t exactly like that.”

“It was exactly like that,” I said.

Tamara chuckled.

“Tamara,” I continued more seriously. “Claude’s not doing so great. She’s really retreating into herself and I don’t know how… I don’t really even know what to say, but I was hoping maybe she could see you, when we get back into town. We’ll pay for it,” I told her.

“We just don’t know what else to do,” Matt said.

“Certainly,” Tamara said. “Though there might be a colleague better suited to dealing with children, but I’ll be happy to do what I can.”

“Thank you,” Matt said. “It would mean a lot.”

“Matt, are you feeling okay?” Tamara said. “Problems sleeping, nervous, anxiety? You know the symptoms, and I’ll be honest with you, I’m worried that these events—”

“Tamara, I feel okay,” he answered simply. “I was scared for Kira and Claude. I’m worried for her, and my stupid vertigo got in the way again, but you know what?” he asked rhetorically. “I feel okay.”

“And what about Rueben?” Tamara asked.

I looked at Matt and swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I don’t think that’s registered yet,” I said. He squeezed my hand. “It’s hard because we need to be strong for Claude.”

Matt nodded to me. “We’ll need to organise the funeral too,” he said softly. “He should have a proper funeral.”

I nodded and my heart sank. “Yeah, he should.”

“Matt, Kira,” Tamara said. Her voice had taken on a serious tone. “I want you both to know something. What you’re doing is commendable, and, Matt, today you have shown just how far you’ve come.” She went on to say how Matt should be proud of himself for his actions and his willingness to be open about everything, and how I’d done everything right.

It didn’t feel like it though. I kept thinking about Ruby, and when Matt ended the call to Tamara, I stood up and walked to the deck railing and looked over the trees. Matt followed me. “Hey. You okay?”

I nodded but then because there was supposed to be only honesty between us, I shook my head. I looked at Matt. “Not really.”

He put his hand on my arm, and his eyes were wide with worry. “Kira.”

“I just keep thinking about Ruby,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.

Matt’s eyes softened and he gave me a sad smile. “I know. It’s hard…”

“He was just a kid,” I started to say, but then the glass sliding door opened and Claude stepped out.

She looked at each of us. “Oscar needs to go outside. Can you take him?” Her voice was quiet. Her face was emotionless, blank.

“You don’t want to?” Matt asked.

She shook her head and went inside. When we followed her in, she was back to lying on the sofa, staring at the television screen.

“I’ll take him,” I said, grabbing the leash from the counter.

“You sure?” Matt asked. Then he signed, “Kira, are you okay?”

I nodded. “I am,” I said, answering both questions.

I knew I shouldn’t have been avoiding her, but watching her so sad and lost was hard to watch.

I didn’t know what to say to her. Or how to fix her. Her brother was gone and I couldn’t even comprehend how alone she felt. I couldn’t fathom being all of nine and not having a single person on the planet. I didn’t even know where to start.

But Matt did. He’d been there—he’d experienced that exact, horrendous thing. Albeit he’d been older, but still a kid. If anyone could understand, if anyone knew what to say, it was him.

Even that night, I kept myself busy in the kitchen. I cleaned and prepped food for dinner, cooked and cleaned some more. We sat with her on the sofa until she finally fell asleep.

The next morning, she tore a piece of toast apart slowly, but I wasn’t sure if she ate any of it. We went for a walk through the woods again down to the main street of Wrightwood and she still hadn’t communicated with more than a nod of her head. We bought coffees to go and got Claude a hot chocolate, but she didn’t finish it. Seemingly exhausted, she fell back onto the sofa and stared at the TV. It wasn’t even on.

Standing in the kitchen, leaning against the sink, I signed to Matt, “I think we should call Tamara. For Claude. She’s not good, Matt. I don’t…” I took a deep breath. “I don’t know what to do for her.”

Matt nodded. Then he signed back, “We will call Tamara. But you just being here helps her. She might not know it now, but believe me, just being here is enough.” He took my hands and kissed my knuckles.

I whispered, “I hate feeling helpless.”

“I know you do,” he said, staring into my eyes. “But you’re not helpless. You’re helping more than you realise. I’ve been in her place right now, so I know exactly.”

I frowned. “I know you have,” I murmured and squeezed his hands. “And I’m sorry you went through that. I can’t even imagine…”

Matt gave me a small smile. “She knows you’re here, she knows she’s not alone right now, and that’s all that matters. One day at a time.”

I smiled and shook my head. “When did you get so smart?”

Matt leaned in and kissed me softly. “It’s a work in progress.” Then he said, “Just sit with her on the couch. Read a book, have a nap, whatever. It doesn’t matter. As long as you’re there.”

So when Matt busied himself with laundry, I sat on the sofa next to Claude and picked a gossip rag off the top of the pile of magazines. They were all Mom’s old ones, and it was absolute drivel—after the third or fourth magazine, I noticed Claude was rubbing her thumb on her shoes. I didn’t say anything, just watched from the corner of my eye, but as she sat with her knees pulled up and her shoes on the sofa, she was brushing them off with her hands. First it was a gentle rub, but it soon became a frantic scrub.

“Claude,” I said, gently putting my hand on her arm. “What’s wrong?”

“They’re dirty,” she said. “They’re new and I got them dirty.” She was now pulling at her shirt to try and wipe them clean. “Ruby bought ’em for me brand new with his own money,” she said, rubbing at her shoes frantically, becoming close to hysterical.

I tried to pull her hands away from her shoes, but she fought me. “I told him I’d keep them all shiny. I promised him!” she cried.

Then the tears started.

And they wouldn’t stop.

“I told him,” she sobbed. “I told him.” She sucked back a breath then wailed, “I promised him.”

Matt was now standing at the door, probably as wide-eyed as me. I didn’t even think about what I should do, or should say, I just did what felt right. I picked up Claude and tucked her onto my lap, wrapping her up in my arms the best I could.

And she sobbed, her tiny hands fisted into my shirt. She held onto me as though clinging to life.

I pressed my face into her mop of wiry hair, and when I looked up, Matt was in front of me. He put his hand to my face, and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I blinked back more tears and he kissed my forehead, then the top of Claude’s head.

I could feel the fight leave her, and soon she was like a ragdoll in my arms. She’d cried herself out and, exhausted, she’d fallen asleep. It was a deep sleep, the only real sleep she’d had in three days. Matt propped up her pillow, pulled back her blanket, and I laid her down as gently as I could.

She stirred a little, and Matt shoved a cushion under her arm for her to cuddle, and soon her breathing evened out again.

Without a word, Matt took my hand and led me outside onto the deck. He turned quickly, pulling me into his arms, and held me as tight as he could. “Kira, babe, are you okay?”

I shook my head, buried my face against his neck. “I don’t think so,” I mumbled. I sucked back a deep, shaky breath. “Ruby was just a kid…”

He ran his hand through my hair and kissed the side of my head. “He was.”

I nodded against him again. “It’s not fair.”

He pulled back and looked at me. He looked sad. Haunted. “I know.”

“You can’t leave the FC.”

“What?”

“You can’t leave the club,” I repeated. “You’re all some of those kids have got. No one else would care if they disappeared. No one but you. If you weren’t there, what would happen to her? Who would care for Claude? What if those two guys took her? What would they have done to her tiny little body, how bad would they have hurt her?” I was almost sick at the thought. “You can’t leave, Matt. You can’t leave them.”