Starting Over (Treading Water Trilogy) (4 page)

Brandon sat riveted to his seat and struggled against the tears he claimed to never shed.

“This one’s from Valerie.” Sondra moved on without skipping a beat. “Dear Brandon, When Colin called to tell me you were in treatment I was so relieved I cried all day. Even though I’m happily married now with a little girl and another baby on the way, I still think of you almost every day. I loved you so very much, and leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But after five years of hoping you’d one day love me even half as much as I loved you, I couldn’t put your needs ahead of my own any longer.

“You always kept me at arm’s length, and no matter what I did, I could never penetrate that wall you keep around your heart. The four years we lived together were some of the happiest and most difficult years of my life. When I think of you, I remember the nights we’d make dinner and then snuggle together on the sofa to watch a movie. I don’t think I’ve ever been as content as I was at those times. But then you’d disappear for two or three days, and I’d be terrified that something had happened to you. I reached a point where I couldn’t live like that anymore, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving you. I hope you know that.

“Somewhere deep inside of you, there’s a source of pain that keeps you from giving yourself fully to another person. I think you drink to dull the pain so you can pretend to live a real life. You know as well as I do that it doesn’t work. Do yourself and everyone who loves you a big favor, Brandon. Take down that wall around your heart, and get the help you need. Find the Brandon we all know is in there and let him out. I will love you and miss you for the rest of my life. And I’ll pray you get well and find it in you to give away the love I know you have inside of you. I’ll always be sorry you couldn’t give it to me. Take good care of yourself. Love, Valerie.”

Tears ran unchecked down Brandon’s cheeks, but he didn’t notice as he stared out the window.

Sondra continued with an almost relentless determination. “This one’s from Aidan. Dear Brandon,” she read. “This isn’t a good time for me to be writing to you, but Colin said it’s part of the program, so here goes. I’m so furious with you that I seriously wonder if I’ll ever be able to forgive you for what you did to Clare.

“I haven’t told any of you the whole story of what she’d been through before I met her. I’ve already told you and Colin that she was raped. What I didn’t mention is the guy who did it said if she told anyone he’d kill one of her kids. She has three beautiful daughters, and keeping them safe was her only concern, so she told no one. Not even her husband. She was hit by a car a few months later. Her daughters said she let the car hit her on purpose, but no one could understand why she would do that. She was in a coma for three years after the accident. A few months after she recovered, she realized she’d let the car hit her because she couldn’t live anymore with what’d happened.

“It hasn’t even been a year since she recovered to find her husband of twenty years had fallen in love with someone else and was expecting twins with her. Clare came to Vermont looking for some peace after the hell she’d been through. That’s when I was lucky enough to meet her. She hasn’t even been able to work up the courage to tell me all this yet. Her daughters told me. I’m hoping one day she’ll be able to tell me herself, but even if she never does, I don’t care.

“I love her. For the first time since I lost Sarah and the baby, I’ve found someone who fills the empty spaces inside of me. For ten long years, I walked around like a zombie, and the day I met Clare, I felt better. It happened that fast. I wanted you to know, really know, the woman you backed into a corner and terrorized in Mum’s kitchen.

“You’ve done damage, Brandon, real, serious damage—to her and to your relationship with me. Not that you probably care about the latter. We haven’t exactly been close since we were kids, have we? I don’t remember when it happened, but you suddenly stopped wanting to hang out with me the way we used to. Why was that? What happened to the closeness we’d always shared? I’ve never understood it, but now I’m not even sure I care. I do hope you get better, though, because I can’t stand the way your illness (and it
is
an illness—I believe that) affects Mum and Da. Think about them and accept the help I’m sure you’re resisting. Do it for them. Aidan.”

Sondra folded Aidan’s letter and put it at the bottom of the pile. “How do you feel?”

Aidan’s letter had dried up Brandon’s tears. “Great.”

“It’s a lot to swallow all at once.”

“You’re on a roll. Why stop now?”

“Let’s talk about some of what they said. I think we could spend a whole session on Aidan’s letter, but first I want to know if Valerie is right. Do you have a secret source of pain inside of you?”

He’d carried the pain around for so long he didn’t even recognize it as pain anymore. It was just a part of him. “I don’t know what she’s talking about.”

“You didn’t love her?”

“Apparently not.”

“How did you feel when she left?”

Should I admit she was gone for two weeks before I even noticed?
“Things between us had gone downhill in the months before she left. I wasn’t surprised when she finally moved out.”

“You didn’t care at all that your girlfriend of five years had left you?”

Brandon decided to be honest for once. “No. I didn’t care. I liked her—a lot. But I never loved her.”

“Did you tell her you did?”

“No. I’ve never said that to anyone, because I’ve never felt it. I don’t believe in saying something I don’t feel.”

“She must’ve loved you an awful lot to stay with you for five years without ever hearing the words in return.”

He shrugged with indifference.

“Were you ever sorry you couldn’t love her?”

“All the time. She’s a terrific girl, and she deserved better than what she got from me. I’m glad she found a nice guy to marry and have kids with. She always wanted kids.”

“Do you?”

“What?”

“Want kids?”

“Not really. I’m not much of a kid person. I have three nieces and two nephews, but they don’t like me very much.”

Sondra shifted through the pile of letters. “Want to know why? I have your sister Erin’s letter right here.”

Brandon was hit with another sharp stab of fear.

“Hi Brandon,” Sondra read from Erin’s letter. “How are you holding up? I hate that we can’t have any contact with you for the first ten days. We all hope you’re hanging in there—and getting better. Oh, Brand, how did this happen? It makes me so sad to see what a mess you’ve made of your once-promising life. You had it all—athletic ability the rest of us could only marvel at, great grades, and every girl in school falling at your feet. Where has that boy gone?

“You’re so angry all the time that my kids are afraid of you. I know that’s a terrible thing to tell you, but you need to know it. You make them nervous, so I keep them away from you. On the other hand, Colin and Dec babysit for me all the time. Did you know that?

“I’ve been blessed with a wonderful husband (who truly likes you, by the way) and five amazing kids you barely know. My hope for you is that you find a way to live without alcohol so I can bring you into my children’s lives. I want it for you as much as I want it for them. I want my big brother back. I love you with all my heart. Erin.”

Brandon leaned forward, rested his elbows on his knees, and shook with sobs.

“I’ll let you take your parents’ letters for when you’re ready to read them, but there’s one more I want you to hear now.”

He wiped his face. “I’ve heard enough. If you want me to admit I’m an alcoholic, then I’ll do it. I won’t argue anymore. That’s what you want to hear, right?”

“It’s not about what I want, Brandon. It’s about you finding the truth within yourself. It’s about step one, admitting you’re powerless over alcohol and your life has become unmanageable, and step four: the fearless and searching personal inventory. You need to hear this last letter. It’s from Colin.”

Brandon kept his elbows on his knees and his head bent.

“Dear Brandon, I’ll cut to the chase and keep this short and sweet. Da’s been paying your mortgage for the last year because you never got around to it, and the bank was going to take your house. Mum has cleaned your house for years and does your laundry. If you’re wondering where all your secret stashes of booze disappear to, she can tell you.

“I’ve paid your bar tab more times than I can count and bailed you out of jail twice—once for a fight you had at Louie’s and another time for public drunkenness. Da made the charges go away both times, so you didn’t even know about them. Declan has taken it upon himself to cover your ass at work—so often that you would’ve been fired a long time ago if you didn’t work for your father. So you see, I blame us as much as I blame you. We’ve created an environment where it’s possible for you to be a drunk—a falling-down, irresponsible, dangerous drunk.

“But we’re done now. You’re going to have to keep your life straight on your own from now on. While you’re in there, you might want to get sober so you can handle the responsibilities of an adult life. I love you as much as I love anyone in this world, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But our efforts to clean up your messes have helped you to create an even bigger one. You can lean on me, you can call on me, and you can count on me. Always. As long as you stay sober. Colin.”

Brandon was reeling. How could all of this have happened without him knowing about it? How much money did he owe his father? Thousands. How much did he owe Colin for posting his bail?
Twice?
He’d been arrested
twice
?
Jesus Christ
, Brandon thought as he frantically tried to process Colin’s letter. He had no memory of it—any of it. How many days, weeks,
months
of his life had been lost to alcohol-fueled blackouts? Nothing in the other letters had hit him quite as hard as Colin’s cold assessment of how his drinking had affected the rest of his family. He looked up to find Sondra waiting for him.

“Are you all right?”

He shook his head. “No,” he said softly. “No, I’m not all right.”

“We can fix it, Brandon. We can help you, but first you have to help yourself. You have to take the first step.”

Understanding settled over him like a warm blanket, giving him the courage he needed. “My name is Brandon,” he said haltingly. “And I’m an alcoholic.”

Sondra reached out to take his hand. “Hi, Brandon.”

Chapter 4, Day 10

Brandon lay in his narrow bed, listening to the birds chirping outside his window. After ten nearly sleepless nights, he knew the chirping began about an hour before sunrise. Turning on his side, he watched his small piece of sky turn pink. On the bedside table, the letters from his parents waited for him to work up the nerve to read them after the emotional firestorm created by the others. His parents were coming to visit today, and he figured he should read their letters before they arrived.

He flipped on the bedside light and sat up. In the four days since his family’s words led him to acknowledge his alcoholism, Brandon had wept more than in the previous thirty-eight years combined. He hadn’t yet shared anything with the group, but their stories had taken on new meaning. One touching, heartbreaking tale followed another as they confessed their utter failure to control their addictions. They’d made him into one of the pathetic bawlers he’d once scorned. He felt raw and unprotected from what he expected to find in his parents’ letters.

Sure enough, his eyes burned at the sight of his mother’s familiar handwriting. “Hello, my love. I’m sure you’ve gotten an earful from everyone else, and you’re no doubt expecting one from me, too. I’m going to disappoint you there. All I’m going to say is I love you, I hurt for you, and I miss the Brandon I used to know. I want him back. No matter what you do or don’t do, though, I’ll love you until I draw my last breath on this earth. Mum.”

Brandon brushed a hand across a cheek wet with tears. His fierce, uncompromising mother had given him exactly what he needed, despite the terrible thing he’d done to Aidan’s girlfriend. Knowing he’d caused his mother such heartache hurt him more than almost anything ever had.

After he absorbed her simple message, he forced himself to read his father’s letter.

“Son, I want you to know I blame myself. I set a terrible example for you, your brothers, and your sister. You saw me drinking every day of your lives growing up. A few beers after a long day of work, it was just what I did. I showed you how to be this person you’ve grown up to be, and I’m sorry. I feel like I have failed you.

“You’re a good man, Brandon, a strong man, and until these last couple of years, I always knew I could count on you. When you finished college, you came home with your degree, just like you promised me you would. You knew I was counting on you to bring your education into the business, and you didn’t let me down. That I could’ve let you down haunts me.

“The proudest thing in my life is having you and your brothers working by my side in the business I built from nothing. We’ve made a hell of a go of it, haven’t we, son? The business means nothing to me, though, when stacked up against your mum and you kids. You’re the world to me, all of you, and the only thing I’ve ever really cared about was keeping my family safe and happy. They say there are times that try a man’s soul. Watching your brother lose his wife and son was one of those times. Watching you struggle with this beast I introduced you to is definitely another.