Spud - Learning to Fly (14 page)

BACK YOUR INSTINCTS, MILTON

She invited me to a ‘gathering’ on Saturday night and said she couldn’t wait for me to meet Gavin.

Unfortunately, after planning a clever and biting retort in my head, I blew it completely and said that I couldn’t wait to meet Gavin either. She laughed her beautiful laugh, said she loved me, and hung up. Mom’s head poked around the corner and said, ‘I’m glad, Johnny. She’s a dear thing. And I think you’re really going to like Gavin – he’s very knowledgeable about cricket.’

Spent the day seething about Glorious Gavin. What is the idiot woman up to? Why would anyone want their ex-boyfriend to meet their current boyfriend? And why is it that whenever I get home I feel passionately in love with Mermaid and yet when I’m at school sometimes a whole day will go by without thinking of her once?

Took a long ride on my bike and may or may not have ridden past Mermaid’s house several times.

ILLNESS OPTIONS

OTHER OPTIONS

Not a single decent excuse, and thanks to my mother keeping a continual eye on my whereabouts, my cover would be blown if I lied. What I really need is a Ramboesque game plan!

THE GATHERING

Mermaid looked gorgeous. No doubt she wore denim and that tight pink top just to unsettle me. Her extremely short denim miniskirt revealed smooth tanned legs that gave me heartburn. The sun broke through a bank of cumulus clouds and her blonde hair sparkled and glimmered in the brilliant yellow light. (Thank you, God, for also getting involved.)

Mom and Dad didn’t stick around when we reached Crusaders sports club because they were on their way to a ‘bring and braai’ at Marge’s. This further fuelled the idea that this gathering may all be a grand conspiracy and just like Harrison Ford I’ll be the last to know.

Mermaid raced up to the car and I thought I made quite a good show of slamming the door and looking generally cool and debonair. Mom and Dad shot off like they were in a terrible rush. Suddenly Mermaid’s arms were around me, and her moist lips on mine. Then there was a loud shout of ‘HOWZAT!’ from the cricket field. An umpire wearing a large white floppy hat raised his finger solemnly into the air and the batsman left the field shaking his head and casting sullen glances back towards the pitch.

Mermaid shouted, ‘Go, Gav!’ and the umpire tried his best not to look our way. ‘That’s him,’ said Mermaid delightedly and pointed at the figure in white. Mermaid led me around the boundary to where she had a blanket and a picnic basket neatly laid out. From the edge of the field, Gavin hardly looked much like stiff competition. Tall and gangly with narrow shoulders and a definite old man-ish stoop. I began wondering how it was possible that he snared the Mermaid. Mind you, I snared the Mermaid when I weighed 47kg and spoke like a girl. Perhaps she has a fetish for freaks?

At the end of the over, Gavin lifted his hat and wiped the sweat from his brow with a handkerchief, revealing his badly receding hairline.

‘How old is Gavin?’ I asked Mermaid, attempting to sound like I was just making polite conversation. Mermaid covered her face and giggled as if she was embarrassed.

‘He’s twenty-nine,’ she said.

There was a pause as I digested this rather disturbing news.

‘But I’m going to be seventeen at the end of the year so it’s not as bad as it sounds.’

There was another silence and I could feel Mermaid watching me. I kept my eyes fixed on the pitch and chewed away suavely at a grass stalk.

‘Why didn’t you write back?’ she asked.

I shrugged and chewed on.

She then asked me if I was cool with Gavin and her being together. An electric chill ran through my body and a stream of bile travelled steadily from my chest into my throat and no further.

‘Definitely,’ I lied. ‘I want you to be happy.’

Then she touched my arm and her delicate pale hand slid down and found my right hand. Sharp tingles shot through my elbow and out of nowhere a loud heartbeat began thumping away in my armpit. I felt the irresistible desire to lean over and kiss her.

‘Howzat!’ appealed the bowler in hopeful desperation. Gavin’s finger soared into the air. The batsman glared at Gavin for some time before stalking off the field. ‘Well done, Gav!’ shrieked Mermaid. ‘He’s got another one!’ she said, and clapped heartily as the surprised fielding team exchanged high fives. Gavin looked officious and made a precise note in his small notebook.

Then just as I was completely losing interest in her endless twittering about Gavin, Mermaid absent-mindedly placed her hand on my knee and kept it there for at least thirty seconds. Unfortunately, the hand didn’t slide seductively up my thigh as it does in some movies, and returned to her lap instead. I sensed that I might be losing control so I excused myself and headed for the clubhouse toilets. I avoided the toilet in the bar in case somebody shouted at me for being under age and risked the players’ change room instead. As I stood on the urinal step and waited for something to happen, I couldn’t help overhearing three players vilifying Gavin the umpire in the showers. One of them even accused him of cheating.

A great feeling of warmth spread over me and I found myself grinning like an idiot at the thought that Gavin the Umpire might well be the most hated man in Durban North. He’s not too popular in the Midlands either.

Unfortunately, it’s difficult not to like Gavin the Umpire. He’s friendly, generous and unthreatening (he still lives at home with his mom). It was also good to see very little physical contact between him and Mermaid, besides a ‘bums out’ hug after the game that ended early after Gavin’s six LBW decisions. On the long drive to the Holy Water Ministry, Mermaid only once placed her hand on his knee and for no more than five seconds. (It felt like a victory at the time.)

Gavin the Umpire is far more responsible than Dad. In fact he seems more responsible than most dads. He looks far older than twenty-nine, too, and drives slower than most seventy-year-olds.

GAVIN THE UMPIRE

• Is studying for a doctorate in theology in Pietermaritzburg
  
• Dreams of umpiring in a Test match
  
• Speaks to Mermaid like she’s his daughter
  
• Looks like the Mermaid’s father
  
• Uses his turning indicators frequently
  
• Is the youth leader at the Holy Water Ministry
  
• Believes that too many batsmen use their pads instead of their bat
  

18:00 The Holy Water Ministry is a large dome-like structure that looks more like a coliseum than a church. Inside, the giant auditorium was abuzz with hundreds of teenagers drinking tea and coffee and chatting excitedly in large groups. Everybody charged up to us when we entered and Gavin the Umpire was besieged by beautiful girls lining up to kiss and hug him. He knew everyone by name and introduced well over a hundred people to me.

A cool hand grasped mine, and our fingers entwined. ‘The play’s about to start,’ said the Mermaid and led me to a bank of vacant chairs towards the back of the auditorium. She didn’t let go of my hand when we sat down. Instead she said, ‘Johnny, this place has done amazing things for me. Especially Gavin.’ There was a loud burst of static from the stage followed by laughter from the gathered crowd who were quickly making their way to their seats. A man with long hair stood up and promised that the play we were about to witness, would be life changing. He then hollered, ‘Let’s hear it for Heaven’s Gates, Hell’s Kitchen!’ The crowd roared their approval.

Then Mermaid turned to me and said, ‘I just want you to know that Gavin and I aren’t like …’ And then she abruptly stopped as the lights dimmed and the entire church fell into a respectful silence.

Any thoughts that the production of Heaven’s Gates, Hell’s Kitchen might be a thrilling theatrical experience were soon snuffed out when Gavin the Umpire appeared in a white wig and beard and announced that he was the Lord Almighty. Obviously most of the audience had fallen for his dodgy performance because they chanted, ‘Amen! Jesus be praised!’

All in all it was a worse God performance than Greg Anderson’s shocker in Noah’s Ark last year.

The less said about the script the better. The play amounted to a series of episodes of teenagers being confronted by the devil (played by a tall woman with a pig snout on her face). In the play, all the stupid teenagers fall for Pig Face’s temptation and end up drinking booze, smoking cigarettes, or lying to their parents. Then the auditorium lights would switch off and there would be the sound of a bus approaching, followed by a screech and a crash. Then the lights would come back up and the teenager would find him/herself at Heaven’s Gates. (Quite why everyone was run over by a bus was never explained.) God/Gavin the Umpire would then look through a list and tell the teenager that they weren’t allowed in because they hadn’t given their lives over to Jesus.

After four of these scenes I got the message, but clearly the playwright felt that he/she/them hadn’t driven the point home, because after interval another five sinning teenagers were flattened in the dark by the murderous bus. I began wondering if it was the same bus that killed everyone or whether Satan perhaps conducted his temptations in the fast lane of a busy freeway. Either way the bus driver ended up slaying ten teenagers and wasn’t once asked to account before God/Gavin the Umpire.

The play mercifully ended with the final bus victim accepting Jesus into her life just prior to being run over. Gavin the Umpire found her name on the list and led her backstage behind the dark curtain to an eternal life of paradise. There was wild cheering as the Holy Water Ministry head priest jumped onto the stage and called everyone up to accept Jesus into their life and be saved. As one, the throng stampeded forward, and the priest, snazzily dressed in an open necked shirt and flared pants, began laying his hands on people’s heads as absolute pandemonium broke out. Kids were screaming nonsensical things and shouting ‘Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!’

I slipped out the side door of the church and took refuge in the garden.

21:30 Mermaid gave me a lingering hug and told me not to worry if I was a little overwhelmed with everything because she had been her first time. We then had a definite moment of looking into each other’s eyes. It seemed like we were going to kiss but Mermaid broke away and said she had to find Gavin the Umpire and ran off.

Gavin the Umpire attempted to hoodwink me into going to church with them again tomorrow. I told him I already had plans but gave no details. It was a great relief to finally get home. Mermaid jumped out of the car and kissed me goodbye and made me promise not to ignore her again. I solemnly promised, but in the darkness she couldn’t see that my fingers were crossed.

EASTER SUNDAY

Easter Church service, followed by a lunchtime braai with Wombat. Unfortunately, after a few too many gins and tonic, my grandmother became emotional and told us that she was on the verge of death and announced that this would be our final luncheon together. Mom told Wombat that she was talking nonsense and then promptly burst into tears. Dad raised his beer glass and shouted, ‘To new beginnings!’ Wombat shouted, ‘Cheers!’ and floored her entire G&T. Thereafter she became high-pitched and giggly and ate a surprising amount of food for somebody at death’s door.

SPUD’S 16 BIRTHDAY!

But not sweet …

BIRTHDAY EVALUATION