Splat! (5 page)

He skidded to a stop just a few feet away. The smell was overwhelming!

“You're going to pay for this!” he bellowed. “Let's go, right now! Let's go!”

“I'm not going anywhere with you,” Keegan said. “At least until you clean up a little. You might want to start by removing the toilet paper from your head.”

There was a strip of used toilet paper fluttering down one side of his head. My stomach did a flip as he pulled it off and it stuck to his hand. He shook it back and forth before it fell to the ground.

“What exactly is happening here?”

I turned around. It was Clyde and Bonnie. The crowd, which had gathered around us, separated to let them through. I don't think I'd ever been so glad to see them in my entire life.

“I'll tell you what happened!” Owen screamed. “Somebody pushed a port-a-potty down a hill when I was inside!”

The whole crowd broke into laughter, and Owen looked even angrier. I started to laugh as well—I didn't want to, but I just couldn't stop myself.

“He's crazy,” Keegan said. “I didn't do anything.”

“I know you did it!” he bellowed.

“Keep your voice down,” Clyde said. “Try to stay calm.”

“Yeah, stay calm. We wouldn't want you to get so excited that you wet yourself or...I guess it's too late for that.”

“You're dead, you stupid little—”

“Nobody is going to threaten anybody around here,” Clyde said, cutting him off.

“Then I want him arrested. You can't just go around doing this to people, can you?” Owen demanded.

“No, sir. That would be public mischief and possibly even common assault,” Bonnie said. “Did you see him push the toilet over?”

“Of course not. It's not like they have windows, you know!”

“No need to be sarcastic with me, son. Did anybody see him do it?”

“It's not like I talked to anybody. I just crawled out of the toilet.”

“So it just happened,” Clyde said.

“Just now. Just this minute.”

“And I was right here for the last five minutes,” Keegan said.

“Do you have anybody who can vouch for your whereabouts?” Clyde asked.

“He was with me the whole time,” I said— and that wasn't even a lie.

“He's just lying for his friend!” Owen bellowed.

“I have friends who
would
lie for me,” Keegan said. Then he realized what he had just said. “Not that he
is
lying or anything.”

“Is there anybody else who can tell us that you were here the whole time?” Clyde asked. “Somebody a little more impartial.”

“We can,” one of the women said, stepping forward. “These two very kind boys were right here beside us, listening to my niece sing.”

“Sing like an angel,” I added. “Mandy was the highlight of the entire evening.”

“And they were here?” Clyde asked. “You'd testify to that?”

“Are you questioning my word?” the woman asked, sounding offended.

“Of course not, Ma'am!” Clyde said. “I just need to make sure that you definitely saw them.”

“I most certainly did.”

“As did I,” the second woman added.

“Thank you...both of you,” Clyde said. “Let me just take down your information in case we need to investigate further.”

Owen shot Keegan a look of complete and utter hatred.

“You really do stink,” Keegan said. “You might want to think about changing deodorants.”

“You think this is over?” Owen asked Keegan. “You can be as brave as you want now. Tomorrow is another day.”

Suddenly Kelsey pushed through the crowd. When she saw Owen covered with sewage, she gasped and then gagged. Owen saw her and then turned and quickly ran away without saying a word.

Keegan walked over to her. “At least with me the crap is only on the inside.”

I dropped the basket on the ground, and one of the tomatoes fell off the top and rolled away across the pavement.

“Be careful with the merchandise,” Keegan said as he bent down and picked it up.

“These are really nice tomatoes.”

“They're too rotten to eat, even too rotten to make ketchup out of, but just about perfect for tossing.”

Keegan turned and threw the tomato
against the wall of the school. It splattered into a thousand little pieces and left a red stain on the wall.

“This is so cool. Where else can we throw a rotten tomato at somebody?”

I looked around. We'd transported the skateboard ramps from the park and had placed them at the far side of the school-yard. There were an even fifty bushels of tomatoes. A lot more than anybody had ever needed for the tomato toss, but nobody had ever done it this way before. The tomatoes were right beside the entrance. Everybody who paid would get ten tomatoes to throw.

This was the perfect place to run it. It was on the main street, but the yard was completely fenced in. The only way in was through the one gate, so we could control admission. David and Sam were sitting at the table by the gate.

We decided that we'd let in ten people at a time, and each person would have five minutes to fire.

“I believe we're ready.”

“Shall we let the first group in?”

There was already a crowd waiting.

I looked at my watch. It was still a few minutes before nine, and technically, we weren't supposed to start things up until nine and...”Let's just do it.” we'd let word get out last night at the festival tent that we were going to be doing the tomato toss in a whole new way. We didn't say exactly how but promised it would be pretty exciting.

“Just how much money do you think we're going to make?” Keegan asked.

“No way of telling exactly.”

“Then give me an inexact number.”

I looked at the bushels of tomatoes.

“Well, there are fifty bushels and if each bushel holds approximately two hundred and fifty tomatoes, then we have twelve thousand, five hundred tomatoes. At two dollars for ten tomatoes, if we use up all the tomatoes we stand to make five thousand dollars.”

“Come on, really?”

“Why do you ever doubt my excellent math skills?”

“I don't,” he said, holding his hands up. “It's just that that's a whole lot of money.”

“It is, but if we end up with nothing but empty bushels that's what we'll make.”

“Then let's start making money.”

Keegan went over and helped David and Sam collect money and escort the first group in. Kids pushed and shoved and laughed as they came in.

“So, you ready?” Keegan asked.

“As ready as I'm going to be.”

We'd drawn numbers and I'd lost. I was the first human target. I grabbed my board and walked over to the space between the two ramps.

“Okay?” Keegan yelled out.

I pulled on my helmet and nodded. I ran and jumped on my board, shooting across the open space between the two ramps, directly in front of the people with the tomatoes.

Almost instantly they started throwing tomatoes at me. There was a rush of red as tomatoes flew through the air and by my head, hit the ramps and the ground, sailed
high and wide and hit the side of the school. But not one hit me as I rolled behind the second ramp, safe and sheltered! Every single tomato had missed! I started to laugh.

“Can't any of you throw at all?” Keegan yelled. “Get ready, he's coming back for another pass!”

As I stood up, getting ready to make a run, a tomato hit the side of my helmet, little bits splattering into my face.

A roar went up from the crowd and the kids in the throw zone.

I ducked down again, safe for a few seconds. I wiped the tomato off my face.

“Come on!” Keegan yelled.

I stayed low, took a run and jumped on the board, pushing off hard to gain as much speed as possible. The tomatoes came flying, landing all around. Then I was hit on the side, and another tomato smashed against my leg. A third hit me on the foot. I sailed across the opening and then almost fell off the board as I reached the safety of the ramp. The last few tomatoes splattered against it.

I peeked around the ramp. Some of the kids had started walking toward the gate. They were empty-handed, out of ammunition. The rest were just standing there, hands at their sides. They had all run out of tomatoes. That wasn't so bad, I thought. I had a couple of stains on my clothes, but no serious damage.

I grabbed the board and started to walk away when I was hit squarely in the shoulder by a tomato. I looked over at the kids. One of them bowed gracefully from the waist. Apparently there had been
one
more tomato.

“That was pretty cool,” Keegan said.

“It'll be even cooler when it's your turn.”

“But not as much fun for the people tossing the tomatoes.”

“How do you figure that?”

“With the speed I move, they won't be able to hit me.”

“I guess we'll find out. Are you next?”

“No, first Dave, then Sam, then me.”

“I can hardly wait. I might buy some tomatoes myself for that.”

“Anything that raises more cash. Let's let in the next group.”

I walked over to the fence and looked up and down the street.

“What are you looking for?” Keegan asked.

“Your father, my father, Owen. People who might cause trouble.”

“You don't have to worry about any of them.”

“I don't?” I asked.

“At least not until the parade is over. Both our fathers are busy getting everything organized, and Owen is part of the parade.”

“That's right, he's in the marching band.”

“He's the
tuba
player in the marching band,” Keegan said. “If being in a marching band isn't lame enough, imagine being the tuba player in a marching band.”

“Could be worse. Do they have accordion players?”

“That would be even cooler. We don't have to worry about anything until after the parade.”

I looked at my watch. It was just after nine. The parade was scheduled to start at ten and would be over before eleven. We had two hours of peace. There was a loud whoop as another firefight of tomatoes began—at least relative peace.

“I'm not worried about our fathers,” Keegan said. “By the time they even notice what we're doing they'll see we've made a wad of money.”

“And Owen?”

“What's he going to do, fight me here in front of everybody?”

“He could.”

“Let him show up. I'm armed and dangerous,” Keegan said as he held up a tomato.

I was pretty sure that Keegan was just joking around...pretty sure.

I sat on my skateboard. My clothes, board and body were completely covered with tomato stains. Dave and Sam weren't much better. Keegan had been hit as well, but he wasn't nearly as coated.

The initial rush of customers had ended and there were only a few people waiting in line. I thought it was going to be just kids, but lots of adults had come to toss tomatoes as well. Right now the people waiting in line were all
adults—well they were like twenty or so.

We were taking a short break. We needed a break—it hurt when a tomato caught you in the face, no matter how squishy it was. And twice I was knocked clear off my board and skidded into the pavement. A helmet and knee pads provided only so much protection.

“Parade is getting ready to start,” I said.

“Always a highlight for me,” Keegan replied.

“Really?”

“Yeah, right,” he said.

I walked over to the fence and rested my arms on the top of it. The street was now blocked off, and there was no traffic. Along the sidewalk, on both sides, people were lining the route. There were whole families sitting together on the curb, older people with lawn chairs and coolers. There were clusters of older kids all standing around, trying to look like they weren't too interested—but they were here.

People were licking ice cream cones or eating hot dogs or drinking pop. A lot of people also had cameras and video recorders. That was stranger than just watching the parade—thinking that it was going to be so memorable that you'd want to capture it for later viewing. Unless those people had really low expectations, they were going to be deeply disappointed.

The local cable company was taping the whole thing as well. There were camera people situated along the parade route. That didn't say as much about the parade as about the fact that there was nothing else happening in town.

“I just can't believe that this parade draws such a big crowd,” Keegan said.

“Year after year after year,” I said.

“Pretty well everybody in town is here.”

“Not just our town. My father told me that people come here just for the festival, book a hotel and stay for the weekend.”

“Some people need to get a life,” Keegan said. “Do you know what would really get an audience?”

I was almost afraid to ask.

“A contest where you push over port-apotties,” Keegan said.

“I'd pay to see that,” David said with a laugh as he and Sam joined us at the fence.

“I guess the secret is convincing Owen to ever go inside one again,” I added.

“No, that would be easy,” David said. “Just have Keegan go inside, and Owen would follow. I get the feeling he's going to follow you everywhere until he finally catches you.”

“Why does everybody think it was me?” Keegan asked.

Both David and Sam burst into laughter. “Like who else would be that stupid?” David asked.

“I prefer the term brave.”

“No, he's right, stupid pretty well sums it up,” I agreed.

“Well if
I'm
stupid then
you
were just as stupid.”

“You?” David asked, pointing at me. “You helped push it over?”

“We're not admitting to anything,” Keegan said. “But,
if
I did do it, and I'm not saying that I did, you know I'd need some help. Do you know how heavy those port-a-potties are? How hard they are to tip over?”