Soul Scars (Dog Haven Sanctuary Romance) (11 page)

B
ACK IN THE kitchen she made a sharp dressing for the lentils. Olive oil, balsamic vinegar, lemon zest, mustard, Italian parsley, garlic, red onion, seasoning. There, her brain still worked even if her body twitched each time Vince glanced up from her assignment. She’d always thought he was hot in a damaged, bad-ass kind of way, but his sensitivity—that mixture of soft and dangerous, when he’d hinted at what he wanted to do to her—rocketed him to the top of the sexy scale. And ten seconds ago, when he winked at her, it was all she could do to stop herself from tearing back over there and straddling his lap again.

Vince pushed back his chair. “All done. Your assignment’s great. I admire you for the hard work you’ve put in.”

“I have a fine tutor.” Back to normality. Good, that’s good. She set the plates and silverware on the counter beside the bowls of food. “Let’s eat outside. I think it’s warm enough.”

The night was dark, without a moon, the only light coming now from two hurricane lanterns that swayed a little in the stiff breeze. As they ate, Lulah chatted about the two dogs Mike brought with him who had all but completed their service training. “Calliope’s caught up to them already. I wish we had a few more like her.”

“Calliope and Joker are both smart dogs. Look at them.”

The two dogs were snuggled up on Lulah’s bed at the end of the porch. “Oh, dear, that’s a habit I shouldn’t have encouraged.”

“How long are you going to keep sleeping out here, Lulah?”

Her sleeping arrangements drove some people nuts. Seemed like Vince was one of them. “Probably until the first threat of snow. Joker is usually ready to move inside before I am. Once he balks at the door, I give in and sleep in the cabin. Takes a few nights to get used to it, though.”

“I can imagine. I feel much the same when I come back from the mountains.”

“Well, I’m hoping you’re not going to be heading out there for a while. You might think you’re alone in this world right now, but there are a bunch of people around here who care about you and become concerned when you do that disappearing act.”

The moving shadow from the lantern-sway played across his face. He narrowed his eyes at her. “It was intentional, my removal from my family. I wanted to take myself away to concentrate on healing. I tried for a solo life so that when issues arose I could deal with them, banish them, without having to consider others. I hadn’t banked on making friends along the way.”

“Yeah, well, you know, you’re hot, so you should have seen that coming.”

Vince laughed but was soon solemn again. “When I need to disappear, it’s all I can do to gather some gear together. The idea of having to speak, to explain myself and risk having someone talk me out of going, is too difficult to imagine.”

She wanted to tell him how awful it was for them, waiting to hear from him, imagining him injured. And, even worse, wondering was he going to hurt himself. The middle of the night anguish she couldn’t reason away until the daylight came would remain her secret. But she had an idea. “What about a safeword?”

Vince’s gaze slid to her as he tried, unsuccessfully, to suppress a grin. Seemed he’d caught the kinky-sex reference that she hadn’t intended at all. “Not that sort of safeword.” She looked skyward. “Men…one track mind.” He didn’t need to know that her mind traveled on that single-track sometimes, well, often, when he was around.

“What would this safeword do?”

He was still grinning, and when he watched her all happy like that, she melted. “I read about it somewhere—”

“Really? And all this time I thought you were reading dry and dusty animal behavior texts.”

“I was, I do. Back to the safeword. You pick a word to use when you need a break. The word you choose is sacrosanct. If you say it, or write it in a note, or fly it as a flag from the aerial of your pick-up, nobody tries to talk you out of it or tell you they’re worried.” All the things she wanted to do when she saw him preparing to ship out. “It lets everyone know that you’re okay, but you need some time to yourself. And everyone has to respect that.”

“I can do that. I can manage a safeword if it means not having to explain myself to anyone.”

“What word do you want to use?”

He watched her as he thought, and she could see the change in his eyes when he made his decision. “Break. It covers everything, and it’s simple. It says that I need a break, and when I need to take off, I feel I’m about to break.

“Break it is. And one more thing.”

“I’ve come to learn that with women, there’s always one more thing.”

To be honest, there were a lot more things, like how he’d felt beneath her hands when she’d given him that massage. How much digging in those muscles he still needed, because those knots he carried around would take more than a few minutes’ work to release. But she only had to remember the letter from Ray, wanting her money, all-take-no-give, and all the extra things she thought she wanted from Vince vanished.
Not becoming involved with the totally unreliable hot guy
. “Promise me you’ll remember to use it when you need to, because I’m warning you, if you don’t and you disappear, I’m sending in the search party.”

“Fair enough. It’s a promise.”

There was another thing. She needed to talk about what happened earlier, in the cabin, because she had no idea whether she’d overstepped or undershot some sort of mark. Or whether they were going to pretend nothing happened. But this whole boundary thing she was working on, closing gates to prevent a stampede, messed with her head. It made her over-think, and she was so much better being spontaneous.

“Are they going ahead with the auction to raise money for training more PTSD dogs?” Vince asked.

Well, that confirmed it. Her father always said something like ‘hesitate and lose,’ and now the opportunity to bring up that touching thing was gone. “Yeah, I think they have a date set. The training program will go ahead whether or not we’re successful with Calliope’s certification. But success with her will be the ideal outcome.” She fixed him with a hard look. “Especially for you and me. I know I have to get my Animal Behavior qualifications first; everything hinges on that. But I really want to run this program at the Sanctuary, Vince.”

“What? And spend your days hanging about with a bunch of emotionally freaked losers like me?”

She laughed. “I was thinking more about the dogs. Why the interest in the auction? Are you going to put yourself on the block?”

Vince groaned. “They’re not doing that guy auction thing, are they?”

“Yeah, we were going to ask if you’d offer yourself up as Ultra Hot Stud for a Night guy. What do you think?”

“I’m still sitting here, Lulah, because I know you’re joking. Tell me I’m right.”

“I think you might need some practice.”

“Lulah. Boundaries! Wrangle the cattle.”

That felt better. Back-to-full-speed Lulah, free from speech censorship. “Didn’t I tell you? I’m going to test drive all the guys up for auction.”

Vince shook his head. “Be careful, now. You keep this up, a guy could easily get the wrong idea.”

“Or the right one.” She laughed. “Look at your face.”

“What?”

“You look mortified. I’m considered quite desirable by some men, you know.”

“I don’t doubt you are.”

Now he seemed troubled.

“Ah, come on, I’m teasing.” Lulah toyed with her glass. “Vince, you know, before, when we were inside?” He stared back at her, shifting uncomfortably, and she knew she was awfully close to a boundary she tried to ignore. His emotions seemed to be on high alert tonight, switching back and forth, never quite finding a position to settle. “I’m not going to pretend that there wasn’t some kind of connection in there. I would have been right on board with that, Vince.”

He stood and pushed his chair back. “Really dangerous ground here, Lulah.” He stacked the plates, but Lulah pulled them from his reach before he could clear them away.

“So what? Are you going to walk away whenever a conversation becomes too difficult?”

He sighed and dropped his head back. “Probably, yeah. I’m a mess. You know that. I didn’t come here promising anything. Once Calliope’s trained I’ll get out of your hair. You can forget about me.”

“Sure, I’ll forget about you, no problem. Sounds good. Leave those dishes; I know you have other stuff to do.” She wanted him out, gone. He confused her, and she handled this badly, letting him slide under her skin. Even if he wasn’t looking for that spot, she’d opened things up, positioned the signposts.
Heart this way.

He gave her a shrug. She hated the chicken-shit brush-off of a shrug. Hated what it said and didn’t say.

Calliope was at his side, watching every gesture, each step. “Come along, girl,” he said to the dog, his attempt to smile a failure. “Sorry, Lulah. I’m so far away from being ready for any of this, it isn’t funny. Right now, I scare the crap out of myself, okay? And that’s more than I’ve admitted to anyone. So much in my life is in turmoil that I can’t think of anyone or anything beyond sorting things out for Gable. I told you I wouldn’t lie. Thanks for dinner.”

She stopped him when he reached the porch steps. “This thing with Calliope, it’s up to you whether we continue with her in the program. Nobody’s forcing you, Vince. And she’s your dog.”

“She’ll be there.”

He went down the stairs and across the yard. As usual, Calliope stuck at his knee, watching out for him. Sometimes his walk was easy, a relaxed stride that ate up the ground. Other times, like tonight, it filled with tension, barely containing every anxious thought and reaction that stuttered through him.

Lulah returned inside and started to clean up the kitchen. She had to step back from Vince, because this wasn’t doing him any good. In fact, she seemed to be making things worse for him. All that emotional pushing and pulling proved he didn’t have a handle on this any better than she did, and she no longer seemed to have a handle on this stuff at all. Certainly, he was feeling pressured, and that was unfair on him. What the hell was she thinking, giving him that massage, straddling him?
Straddling him!
Oh, Lord, somebody held her self-control boss hostage tonight. Time to step back and become friends again.

Touching him had been nice, though. Those muscles all bunched up over his neck and shoulders, filled with knots that were like physical punctuation marks for each sleepless night, each nightmare and flashback, every frustrating instant when someone he tried to deal with didn’t understand. So much, she wanted to work on those knots to rub away his mental pain.

Her spontaneity now seemed cheap and disloyal. A massage and a lap dance, as though providing some sort of social service for a returning vet. No, worse actually, because she had only been driven by what she wanted, and he had moved her along in a gentlemanly manner. Yup, heading to hell on a blazing chariot with a couple of crazy horses pulling her ride.

An hour later, the light still blazed in the barn, and she could make out the silhouette of Vince at his workbench. His traditional high and tight Marine haircut had grown beyond regulation length, and she guessed he’d be tidying that up soon. Tidiness appeared to be vital to his wellbeing right now. As if keeping order all around him would keep order in his head. From what she saw, either he didn’t realize or didn’t want to admit he had no chance at all of holding his psyche together through sheer will.

Recently she’d taken him tea before she went to bed, and she filled the kettle, setting up a tray.

Vince opened the door as she attempted balancing the tray in one arm while pushing at the door with the other. “Let me take that for you.” He looked calm.

“I’m not here to bother you—”

“You’re never a bother, Lulah. Don’t think like that.”

“I’ll leave you to your work. I can collect the tray tomorrow.”

“Can’t you stay for a bit? I like having you here, even if you want to read or listen to some music or whatever. Share the tea with me.” He placed the tray on his workbench, and she followed, keeping a safe few-feet distance, giving him space.

Giving herself space.

“Vince, earlier on the porch, I was mean. I didn’t intend to be. Confusion, you know? I wasn’t sure what happened.”

He poured the tea as he spoke. “When you touched me, that was amazing, but if we let things go farther, I’ll ruin it. That’s why I need to pull back when I do. Know that when I’m doing that, I’m thinking only of you, and I’m right on the edge.”

“You really want me to step back, train Calliope, and stay out of your way?”

He reached for the mug of tea they shared, their fingers brushing as he took it from her grasp. For the next two breaths, he watched her intently before raising the mug for a drink, eyes still on her over the lip of the cup. When he handed it back, he held on to it when she gripped the handle. “More than you know. I feel it, too, that charge we get from each other. And you bring me peace, Lulah. Having you in that chair while I work, having your silence and your physical companionship, that calms me. I don’t understand why, but it allows me some rest from the chaos. No, I don’t want you to step back, not even a little bit. But this,” he released the mug and opened his arms, “this is all I am.”

“I understand,” she said as she curled herself into the armchair. He moved away, picked up his sandpaper, and started back on the neck of the carousel horse.

Hell, this was worse. The clue lay in the peace and calm thing he’d mentioned.
He thinks I can make it better for him when what I want is for him to make it better for himself.
No matter how hot he is, no matter how exciting the attraction between them was, she didn’t want him relying on her for his wellbeing. Her father had pretty much done that to her since the day her mother walked. And clearly she was crap at the job. An idiot only had to look at the situation her father was in right now to see it.

She had to be strong and help steer him away from her towards people who could fix him. Mostly, she was thankful to have made that little discovery before things went any further.

Chapter 10