Soul Mountain (71 page)

Call out.

No need to. There used to be houses here. A broken wall, crushed by the snow, heavy snow. They were all pressed into sleep.

Did they all die in their sleep?

That would have been better but unfortunately it was a massacre, a slaughter, a display of manliness by being utterly ruthless. First meat buns were thrown to the dogs, they were laced with arsenic.

Wouldn’t the dogs have wailed when they were dying?

An expert only had to hit the dogs once on the nose.

Why not hit them somewhere else?

It is only when a dog is hit on the nose that it will die instantly.

Didn’t the people fight back at all?

They were all killed inside their houses, they didn’t take a step outside.

Couldn’t the young girls and babies escape?

Broadaxes were used.

Weren’t the women spared?

When the women were raped it was even more brutal–

Enough.

Are you frightened?

The village couldn’t have had just the one family, could it?

One family with three brothers.

They all died?

People say it was a sworn enemy of the family or else an epidemic. Maybe they suddenly got rich, found gold in the riverbed.

And were killed by outsiders?

They occupied the riverbed and wouldn’t let outsiders pan for gold.

Where’s the riverbed?

Right under your feet and mine.

Why can’t I see it?

All that can be seen are vapours rising from hell but that is just a feeling. This is a dead river.

You and I are on this dead river?

Yes, let me show the way.

Where to?

The other side of the river, to that stark white snow-covered land. There are three trees at the edge of the snow and further on is the mountain, the houses covered by the snow have collapsed under the weight. Only this section of broken wall is standing and behind it broken earthenware pots and fragments of celadon bowls can be picked up. You can’t resist kicking at them and are startled by the flapping wings of a nocturnal bird taking flight. You can’t see the sky and only see snow drifting down. There is fine snow on a fence and behind it is a vegetable plot. You know that hardy winter potherb mustard and
piaorcai
like the crinkled skin of an old woman’s face are all buried under the snow. You know this vegetable plot well and know the location of the back door leading onto this garden. You have eaten hairy little chestnuts sitting on the threshold. You can’t work out if this is a dream you had in childhood or a dream about your childhood, it would take a lot of effort to work this out. Right now, with great stealth, you are careful not to tread on the cat’s tail. That animal’s eyes glow in the dark, you know it is looking at you and you pretend not to be looking at it. You must quietly make your way around the well, there is an upright chopstick propping up a woven bamboo basket and you and she are hiding behind the door holding a piece of string and waiting for sparrows to come along. The grown-ups are inside playing cards. They are all wearing glasses with round brass rims and have bulging eyes like goldfish. Their eyeballs stick out from their sockets but they can’t see a thing and are holding the cards right up to their glasses. The two of you crawl under the table and all you can see are legs. There is a horse’s hoof. And there is also a fat and very long tail, you know it is a fox, it swishes from side to side, turns hard, and becomes a striped tiger crouched in the armchair. It will pounce on you any time. You can’t sneak past, you know if there’s a fight it will be a fierce one, and it is about to pounce on you!

What’s up?

Nothing, I seem to have had a dream. In the dream it was snowing on the village. The night sky was lit by the snow, this night was unreal, the air was bitterly cold and my head was light and empty. Anyway, I was dreaming of snow and winter and my footprints left in the snow in winter, I was thinking of you,

Don’t talk to me about this, I don’t want to grow up, I miss my father, only he truly loves me, you only want to sleep with me, I can’t make love without love,

I love you,

Nonsense, with you it’s only a momentary need,

What are you talking about? I love you!

Yes, rolling about in the snow, like dogs, go away, I only want myself,

The wolf will take you away in its mouth and eat up all your insides and the brown bear will take you to its cave and mate with you!

You only think about that, think about me, think about my feelings,

What feelings?

Take a guess, oh you are so stupid, I want to fly–

What?

I see a flower in the darkness,

What flower?

A camellia,

I’ll pluck it for you to wear,

Don’t destroy it, you wouldn’t die for my sake,

Why would I want to die?

Relax, I won’t ask you to die for me, I am really lonely, there are no echoes, I shout out at the top of my voice but there is only silence all around, there isn’t even the gurgling of a spring, even the air is so heavy, where is the river where they panned for gold?

Below the snow under your feet,

Rubbish,

It’s a secret underground river, they are all bending, scrubbing, and washing,

There’s a burr here,

What?

There’s nothing here at all,

You’re really wicked,

Who told you to ask, hey, hey, there seem to be echoes, up there, take me there,

If you want to go, then go, . . .

I can see, you and her, in the snow, on a grey hazy night, I can’t see clearly but I can still see, you are in the snow, barefoot.

Aren’t you cold?

I don’t feel the cold.

You are walking with her just like this in the snow, all around are forests with dark blue trees.

Aren’t there any stars?

No, and there’s no moon.

And no houses?

No.

And no lights?

There’s nothing at all, only you and her, walking together, walking in the snow, she is wearing a woollen scarf and you are barefooted. It’s a bit cold but not too cold. You can’t see yourself and only feel you are walking barefoot in the snow, she is at your side, holding your hand. You are holding her hand tightly, leading the way.

Is it far away?

Far, far away, aren’t you afraid?

There’s something odd about this night, it’s inky-blue but bright. But I’m not really afraid with you by my side.

Do you feel secure?

Yes.

Are you in my arms?

Yes, I am leaning against you and you are holding me gently.

Do I kiss you?

No.

Do you want me to kiss you?

Yes, but I can’t make up my mind. It’s wonderful just like this, walking along. I also see a dog.

Where?

Up ahead, it seems to be sitting on its haunches, I know it’s a dog. I also see you breathing out and the steam curling up into the air.

Do you feel the warmth?

No, but I know the air you breathe out is warm, you are simply breathing out air but don’t say anything.

Do you have your eyes open?

No, they’re shut but I can see everything. I can’t open my eyes, I know if I open my eyes you will vanish, so I just keep looking like this and you just keep holding me in your arms like this. Not so tight, I can’t breathe, I want to go on looking, want to keep you. Oh, they’ve separated, and are walking on ahead.

Still in the snow?

Yes, the snow stings my feet but it feels good, my feet are a bit cold but I need this and keep walking on like this.

Can you see what you look like?

I don’t need to see, as long as I feel slightly cold and there is a slight stinging on my feet, and I can feel the snow and can feel you by my side, I feel secure and can relax and keep walking. My darling, can you hear me calling you?

Yes.

Kiss me, kiss my palms. Where are you? Don’t leave me!

I’m right here by your side.

No, I’m calling your spirit, I’m calling you, you must come, don’t abandon me.

Silly child, I wouldn’t do that.

I’m frightened, frightened about you leaving. Don’t leave me, I can’t bear the loneliness.

Aren’t you in my arms right now?

Yes, I know, I’m grateful to you, my love.

Sleep, sleep peacefully.

I’m not sleepy at all, my mind is crystal clear, I see the transparent night, the blue forest laden with snow. There is no starlight and no moonlight but all this can be seen clearly. It is a very strange night. I want to stay forever with you on this snowy night. Don’t go away, don’t abandon me. I want to cry. I don’t know why. Don’t abandon me, don’t go so far from me, don’t go kissing other women!

It is also in this winter after a snowfall that a friend comes to talk about the time he was on a labour reform farm. He looks at the snow-covered landscape outside my window and squints as if the glare of the snow is too strong and also as if he is immersed in his memories.

There was a huge derrick, he says, on the prison farm. Glancing out the window to a tall building, he estimates that it would have been at least fifty or sixty metres high, not less than the height of the very building we are in. A big flock of crows kept flying around the pointed top, they flew off and came back, circling endlessly and cawing all the time. The brigade leader in charge of this band of prisoners was an old soldier demobilized from the Korean War. He had a grade two award for meritorious action but having been wounded, one leg was longer than the other and he walked with a limp. He had some bad luck and wasn’t promoted any higher than company commander and ended up being sent to look after these prisoners so he was forever cursing and swearing.

Cunt of someone’s mother, what the fucking hell is going on? Just bloody won’t ever let me get any sleep! He swore in Northern Jiangsu dialect as he walked around the derrick with his army overcoat draped over his shoulders.

Climb up and have a look! he ordered me. What else could I do but take off my padded jacket and climb? Halfway up, in the strong wind, my calves started trembling, I looked down and these legs just gave up and wouldn’t stop shaking. It was during a year of famine and people were starving to death on the surrounding farms. We were a bit better off in the labour prison and the taro and peanuts we grew were stored in the granary after the company commander had taken his cut; we didn’t have to turn it all over. Each person’s grain rations were guaranteed and while we were a bit puffy we weren’t constipated. However, I was just too weak to climb up high.

Brigade leader! All I could do was to yell down to him.

I told you to have a look at what’s up there, he yelled from below.

I looked up.

There seemed to be a cloth bag hanging there, I said. I was starting to black out and all I could do was to shout down to him, I can’t climb up any further!

If you can’t then we’ll get someone else! He used a lot of invectives, but he wasn’t such a bad person.

I came down.

Get Thief for me! he said.

Thief was also a prisoner, a young fellow about seventeen or eighteen. They caught him when he stole someone’s wallet on a bus, so Thief became his nickname.

I found Thief for him. This young fellow took one look and refused to go up. The brigade leader was furious.

I didn’t ask you to kill yourself, did I?

Thief said he was frightened of falling.

The brigade leader ordered someone to get him a piece of rope, then said if he didn’t go up he’d be penalized three days’ grain rations!

It was only then that Thief, with the length of rope tied at his waist, went up. All of us watching from below were sweating profusely on his account. When he still had a third of the way to go, each time he moved further up he secured the rope to the iron rack and eventually got to the top. Flocks of crows kept circling around him. He waved his arms to chase them off, then from above a hemp bag slowly floated down. We went over to look. The hemp bag, which was pecked full of holes, was half full of peanuts!