Soul and Shadow (4 page)

Chapter Five

Now, when I awoke in the mornings, I actually jumped out of bed. Cleocatra was clearly unsettled by my new enthusiasm.
What
'
s going on?
she seemed to ask as she was shunted aside. I answered her yowl as if she had spoken the words.
"
I
'
m seeing Kent again today, Cleo. Isn
'
t it wonderful?
"

She invariably stalked away into the kitchen, letting me know that the only wonderful thing was breakfast. I hummed as I fixed it for her, daydreaming pleasantly. Kent and I had been out four times in the past week, and with each date, I felt closer to him. Ordinary events like a soccer game or a movie took on a magical quality. I would have been happy just sitting with him and watching the grass grow. It was exciting to be swept off my feet, and I kept myself from thinking of the time that they must touch the ground again.

This morning, I was pouring cereal into a bowl when the telephone rang. I knew who it was. Only my mother called so early, and besides, she had the uncanny ability to interrupt a meal. I put the box down and answered.

"
Lily, is that you?
"

There was no one else it could be, but for some reason she always asked. I said patiently,
"
Yes, Mom. How are you?
"

"
Oh, all right.
"
The implication was that there were dire maladies she was choosing not to speak about.
"
And you?
"

"
I
'
m fine. As a matter of fact, I—
"

"
That
'
s nice, dear. You will never guess who I talked to last night.
"

I could not let her get away with cutting me off this time.
"
Was it someone more interesting than Kent?
"
I asked.
"
Because, I
'
ve got to tell you, Mom, I—
"

She went on as if I hadn
'
t spoken.
"
Stephen, what do you think of that?
"

I was too surprised to think anything. This was definitely out of left field.
"
Stephen Mallory? What did he want?
"

"
To talk to you, of course. He
'
s back in town and he didn
'
t have your new number. I expect you
'
ll be hearing from him soon.
"

I felt a surge of aggravation.
"
Mom, I wish you would ask me before you just give that out. What if I don
'
t
want
to talk to him?
"

She sounded surprised.
"
But it
'
s Stephen. I thought you
'
d be pleased.
"

A year ago, it would have been the most important thing in my life. But time had served to ease the memory of my ex-fiancé. He had gone out west to do his residency after medical school, but that was just the final nail in the coffin. Such a demanding career had left him little time for me. Once he left, I heard from him less and less until finally communication had ceased altogether. It was a bit shocking to me that the mention of his name could still cause this knot of emotion.

"
It would have been nice to know. Talking with him could be awkward. But I suppose I
'
ll have to now. What did he say, exactly?
"

"
He was very sweet,
"
my mother said.
"
We just chatted for a minute. He told me how he missed New York and the change of seasons, and that Arizona wasn
'
t what he was expecting. I think he wants to transfer to the hospital here. And he asked me for my oatmeal cookie recipe. He said he
'
d never found any even half as good.
"

This was a totally unexpected turn of events, and I was not ready to digest it.

"
Well, we
'
ll see what happens,
"
I said evasively.
"
Right now, Kent is taking up all of my time. He is so special, Mom. I really want you to meet him.
"

"
It
'
s hard to believe that there
'
s anyone as special as Stephen. He wouldn
'
t be here unless he still had feelings for you. At least talk to him, Lily.
"

I had had enough of this conversation.
"
I
'
m sorry Mom, I
'
ve got to go. My cereal is getting soggy. I
'
ll call you later, okay?
"

I hung up feeling disgruntled. My mother had always been fond of Stephen, and had never recovered from losing the chance of having a doctor as a son-in-law. He hadn
'
t exactly broken up with me, to be fair. More just sort of moved on. I hadn
'
t been willing to leave the university, or go to Arizona and sit alone while he worked endless intern
'
s hours. Still, I had loved him, and his loss had been very painful for me.

How strange that he should be coming back.

It nagged at me as I ran errands and cleaned the rooms, but as the afternoon passed, any stray thought of Stephen was banished from my mind. Kent had agreed to pick me up at three o
'
clock, and I couldn
'
t wait to see him.

Our destination that afternoon was Sunny Hill, a lavish Victorian estate now open to the public. The mansion was preserved in keeping with the period, and it was surrounded by twenty-seven acres of magnificent gardens. Each one had its own theme, and I felt a glow of pride when Kent was impressed.
"
It
'
s as beautiful as any I
'
ve seen at home,
"
he declared.

We made our way leisurely through them all. I had visited the place many times, but it came alive for me in a new way as I showed it off to Kent. The flowers seemed to have more color, the follies were more picturesque, the miniature temples and hidden grottos more impossibly romantic. We ate dinner in the outdoor café, and then went to the last attraction. It was my favorite, the Japanese Garden.

We strolled along the stone path, over the little humpbacked bridge, and up to the red teahouse. Together, we sat down on a large flat boulder in front of it. Dragonflies went shimmering by, catching the late sun on their wings. Carp swam lazily in the ponds surrounding us. I was imagining all this being mine, when Kent said,
"
It would be brilliant, wouldn
'
t it?
"

We were so much in sync that I wasn
'
t even surprised at this apparent reading of my thoughts.
"
I
'
d change a few things,
"
I remarked.
"
The Italian garden is too formal for me. I
'
d plant lilacs and rhododendrons instead.
"

"
I
'
d have fewer statues. You don
'
t want them looking at you all the time.
"

"
The one of Diana in the little Greek temple can stay, though. I like that.
"

"
Fine. I grant you Diana. But that chap wrestling with the fish goes.
"

I laughed.
"
That
'
s Hercules slaying the Hydra,
"
I informed him.

"
It
'
s ghastly is what it is. I don
'
t care for the Four Seasons in the Sub Rosa either. You can tell that Winter is just waiting for you to turn your back.
"

"
Were you afraid of the nightingale in the Moonlight Garden?
"
I inquired.

"
Ah, well, they
'
re a rough lot, nightingales. They charm you with their singing, and as soon as your guard
'
s down, they fly straight for your jugular.
"

"
I had no idea. They seem so harmless. We
'
d better not have any statues, to be on the safe side.
"
How naturally this daydream had turned into
'
ours.
'
That
'
s how it was with Kent. If I had believed in reincarnation, I would have thought I
'
d known him in a previous life. The connection between us was so warm and real.

"
No statues,
"
he agreed.
"
But we want lots of roses. And a gazebo in the middle for whiling away the summer evenings.
"

Dusk would be falling soon on this summer evening. Reluctantly, I knew we would have to be going.
"
That sounds lovely,
"
I replied.
"
But for now, they can still kick us out of here. We
'
d better head back.
"

Kent stood up and pulled me to my feet. Hand-in-hand, we made our way down a long avenue lined with bay trees. At the end, a huge pair of wrought-iron gates led into the parking lot. As we climbed into Kent
'
s rented Camry, an early firefly flickered past in
the gathering darkness.
"
When I was a little girl,
"
I said,
"
my father told me that those were the lights of fairies. Sometimes, I still half believe it.
"

There was no sarcastic reply from Kent. Instead he remarked,
"
You mention your Dad a lot. He must have been very special.
"

"
Oh, he was.
"
Suddenly I wanted to tell Kent all about my Dad. The overwhelming love I had felt for him, the jealousy of my mother, the covert campaign to stop me from being such a
'
daddy
'
s girl.
'
I was made to go shopping and help bake cookies and participate in other feminine activities that I had no interest in. I wanted only to hang about the yard while my Dad did the outdoor work, or go on walks where we would always find something fascinating: an oddly-shaped rock, a blue robin
'
s egg, a fossil he would assure me was at least a million years old.

Memories poured out of me in torrents, and Kent listened to them all. He was so attentive that it made it natural and easy to share. I found myself verbalizing thoughts that until now had been only vague nameless fears in my mind. How, when my father had died, an awful guilt had possessed me, that it was because I had loved him too much. It must have been wrong, somehow. Kent answered with uncharacteristic grimness.

"
If adults knew what ideas children got into their heads, they
'
d be a lot more careful. At least, one would hope so. I thought that if I were a more lovable boy, my parents wouldn
'
t travel so much. Why else would they stay gone for so long? It could only be because Phillip and I weren
'
t interesting enough to hold their attention.
"

"
That
'
s a terrible thing for a child to feel,
"
I said, my heart aching for him.

"
What burdens we carried around, love, without even knowing it. Guilt is the cruelest emotion, and the most useless. We felt like we
'
d committed a crime, but there was nothing we could do about it.
"

He put his arm around me and we sat there together, unmoving and silent, for several minutes. I felt intimately connected to him. The sense of closeness was so intense, it was almost painful. It was an emotional growth burst, as if something long dormant inside of me was now shaking off dirt and stretching up towards the sun. I sensed that it was no less powerful for Kent.

It was a security guard who broke the spell. He came to lock the gates, and Kent disengaged himself from me gently.
"
I think they want to be getting home. But the night is young for us. Why don
'
t we visit your local and have a nosh?
"