Soul and Shadow (23 page)

"Like the guardians at the gates," I mused, intrigued. "They stand in the hall of Osiris when the dead are judged. You have to answer their questions before you can get past them."

"Right. This type of dream is well documented. It's the hero's journey, you know, like Joseph Campbell wrote about? The hero—or heroine, of course—has to embark on a quest, and the first step is having the courage to go. The guardian can be a mentor too, helping to lead the way. Luke and Obi-Wan Kenobi, King Arthur and Merlin. There are lots of examples in the Arthurian Cycle. But it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to go out and save the world. We all make our own journey towards self-understanding and our rightful place in the cosmos. That's heroic in itself."

"So, I'm walking through the forest..."

"Representing your old life, the one you'll be leaving behind. Notice how everything is still except for the leaves. They are trying to speak to you, but you can't understand the language. You'll have to get to the other side before you're ready to hear their message."

"And the wolf is the threshold guardian?"

"Yes. And not necessarily the big, bad kind. You know, the Celts worshipped wolves, and it was a she-wolf that saved the founders of Rome—"

"I know. She nursed Romulus and Remus, the baby twins. That actually came down from the Etruscans."

"Uh-huh." Katy was well aware that Kent was an expert on those ancient Italian people. She went on quickly, "the bridge, that's obvious—it's connecting your past and future. The dark water—your subconscious mind, and all the fears in it. Part of you wants to give in to them, but the stronger part is focusing on the future—the white mist. You can't see what form it will take until you cross the threshold and go over the bridge. But you have to be sure that's what you really want to do."

"Hmm." I was silent for a bit, thinking. Katy made it sound so reasonable. She had studied Jung extensively in her field of Arthurian myth and legend. Was I truly at a crossroads in my life, with the ability to move further than I now believed possible?

It was a hopeful thought, and a frightening one at the same time. But it did seem as if someone was trying to tell me something. Caliman, the animal on the road, the dream...something was happening. How could I just ignore it?

"Well, thanks, Katy," I said. "I'm glad that you're okay too. And I don't blame you at all for Caliman. I know you meant for the day to distract me. It certainly did turn out to be interesting."

She laughed. "Good word. Hey, don't forget to write down what you dream of tonight. A whole pattern could be developing that could help you see where you really want to go."

The trouble was, I thought after I hung up, that I couldn't remember what I dreamed about anymore. The sleeping pills Dr. Carson gave me took care of that. Maybe that was why this particular dream had been so vivid. For a moment I toyed with the idea of not taking the medicine tonight, just to see what happened. But no, Dr. Carson knew what was best, and Stephen agreed with him. I trusted them both. I wouldn't be meeting any more wolves this evening.

After I ate, out of curiosity, I switched on my computer and went to the university's website. I checked out Caliman's profile, and couldn't help but be impressed. He did indeed belong to the physics department and his qualifications were rock solid. I smiled as I remembered my previous quip about Dunkin' Donuts. As odd as it seemed, a leading-edge scientist was spending his spare time dressed as a druid and telling fortunes. Not that I hadn't experienced stranger things in my life.

I turned on the TV to enjoy some mindless relaxation. The first show that appeared was a nature documentary—on wolves.  Cleocatra walked right up to the set and started to growl.

"Don't worry," I assured her, coaxing her into my lap. "They can't hurt you. They're trapped inside that box, and they can't get out." My mind suddenly flashed back to the little plastic ballerina. Cleo continued to hiss at the screen, so I changed the channel absently. Familiar music merged with an announcer's voice. "One performance only! Be sure to order your tickets today for City Ballet's Firebird!"

Okay. This was taking synchronicity too far. I clicked off the remote and sat there, staring off into space. I could not ignore everything that had happened today. I knew that I would be calling Caliman in the morning. I had to explore this further. But for tonight, I would take my pills and go to sleep. I just hoped it was not the last peaceful evening I was going to have.

Chapter Three

I called Caliman the next day. He was easy to locate through the physics department, and he didn't seem at all surprised to hear from me. I simply asked if we could talk, and he set a time for the following afternoon. Now, as I looked across the table, I couldn't help but smile at the change in him. His white robe had been replaced by a white coat over a suit and tie. His curls were severely brushed back, and he had a laptop computer cradled in his arms like a baby.

"I know," he said, reading my expression. "Quite a switch from druid to doctor, eh? I don't usually get all spiffed up for work, but there was a conference this morning and I had to be presentable. It's hard enough to get taken seriously as it is."

"Why?" I asked. "I did a little research on you, and your credentials are very impressive. Graduating with honors from the University of Chicago, earning a doctorate in theoretical physics. Your University profile practically had drool coming off the page."

Caliman laughed. "That's for show. Inside the department, and the scientific community at large, the idea of multiverses is not exactly regarded as mainstream."

"Multiverses?" I repeated. "You mean like parallel worlds, string theory, and all that?"

"Parallel worlds, yes. Infinite spatial dimensions, where cosmology, physics, and philosophy meet. It's utterly fascinating and frustrating and challenging. And fun! I'll tell you one thing, the field is proof that there is so much more out there than we can ever explain. Of course, we never give up hope. Einstein was still working on a grand unified theory on his deathbed. There's always another direction to go in. Always more to know. Humans are born to explore."

"Are you trying to tell me that I'm not crazy, and all my experiences are just a scientific explanation away?" I asked dubiously.

"I don't think you're crazy," Cal agreed. "And I'd like to hear about your experiences, if you don't mind."

So I told him. After months spent trying to repress the memories, they unfolded now with crystal clarity. Meeting Dame Ursula at the museum exhibit; being drawn into the ancient mystery she was hoping to solve; falling in love with her grandson; a necklace belonging to a beautiful Egyptian woman triggering visions of her life; and the most painful of all, my own mother poisoning me in a desperate attempt to hold onto my love.

Cal listened with quiet sympathy, interrupting only to ask the most essential questions. When I was finished, he shook his head in wonder. "Wow. You jumped right into the deep end, didn't you? And you've had no one to help you figure it out. No wonder your mind is in such turmoil."

"I have my psychiatrist, Dr. Carson. I've explained it all to him, and he's been very kind and patient."

"And probably very skeptical." Cal finished my unspoken thought. "What has he done to help you?"

"Well...he explains how drastic changes, like meeting Kent and Ursula, can be stressful, even if they are exciting. I could have dreamed up all these things about Amisihathor subconsciously just to please them. They're a powerful family and I felt the need to keep up with them. I also identified too closely with my subject, because I'm an Egyptologist and so in love with my work. My mother saw how I was becoming too involved and was frightened for me. That's what led to her breakdown and her—" I swallowed hard, because it was still so difficult to say. "—her poisoning me. She thought I would be just sick enough to turn back to Stephen and away from Kent. She thought she was saving me."

"And instead, she almost killed you." Cal put his hand over mine, and I felt an easing of the chaos in my mind. It was like a warm breeze drifting through a frigid room. "What hell for you, Lily. I'm so sorry. Did the doctor's explanations make sense to you? Did they make you feel better?"

"He says I can get back to normal. All the chemicals that flooded my brain under stress, they can even out again. With counseling and the right medication, I can see everything clearly once more. And then I can make the right decisions."

"Which I'm guessing," Cal said, "do not involve any psychic adventures or eccentric families in other countries. Perhaps settling down with an upwardly mobile doctor whom your mother adores, who could look after her and give you a nice, safe life. Which, if it made you happy, would be fine. But I don't see that in your mind. Lily, please, I'm not going to judge you. Just tell me, has anyone asked
you
what you really want?"

I paused, thinking. Had they? Or did they all think they were doing what
they
thought was right for me?

"It hasn't been easy to tell what I want," I replied slowly. "It's not simple. There are so many lives being affected, so much to consider. In a perfect world, Kent and I could be together without these chains holding us back. But that's naïve. There are complications we can't ignore."

"Such as the fact that you're a powerful psychic? Have you been able to dismiss that?"

"I
—
I guess I was just hoping that it had run its course, and wouldn't come back."

"Like some kind of paranormal flu?" Cal smiled wryly. "It doesn't work that way. Whatever it is, and however we got it, it's here to stay. You have to learn to live with it, and running away won't help."

I twisted a strand of hair around my finger nervously. "How am I supposed to do that? Become a TV psychic? Join a ghost hunting group? Maybe start a new course at the university—Lily Evans teaches Communing with the Other 101. My academic credibility will soar!"

"You're getting a little ahead of yourself.  Do you think we go around with neon signs that say 'Psychic'? No. We go about our ordinary lives and practice our craft on our own time. And it does take practice, like anything else. You can learn to develop it, direct it, and even ignore it if you want to. You
do
have some control."

A sigh escaped my lips. "It's been a long time since I felt that I had any control."

He squeezed my fingers comfortingly. "You got one hell of an introduction to this. I think you've got a lot of courage, and you're going to know what to do."

"Lily!"

I jumped as Stephen's voice sounded in my ear. He was standing by our table with a drink in his hand, looking at Cal suspiciously. "You never mentioned you were coming here today. I would have met you."

I ignored the overtone of possessiveness. "Stephen, this is Dr. Cal Jones. Cal, my friend, Stephen Mallory."

The subtle emphasis on the word 'friend' did not escape Stephen. He said stiffly, "I don't believe I've seen you before, Dr. Jones. What department are you in?"

"Physics. I dream up crazy theories for other scientists to make fun of."

I smiled, and Cal gave me the barest hint of a wink. "I'd better be getting back to work now. Thanks for the meeting, Lily. I hope we can do it again soon."

"Goodbye," I said as he left. Stephen had planted himself in Cal's vacated chair almost as soon as it was empty. "Where did you meet that guy?" he asked. "I don't know him."

I had to hide another smile at the implication that therefore, Cal couldn't exist. "He was at the Celtic Faire Katy and I went to last weekend. He's actually a brilliant theoretical physicist from Chicago."

"Oh. Theoretical," Stephen said dismissively. "No wonder we've never met. I deal with real issues. Like how am I going to save someone's life?"

His face was somber. "What happened?" I asked. "Is it the little Thompson girl? A new development?"

Stephen ran his hands through his hair. It was times like this when he looked most vulnerable, and my heart gave a lurch for him. "We haven't been able to stop the internal bleeding," he said. "The surgery did not reveal the source. We'll have to go in again. I just hope that she's strong enough."

"Oh, I'm so sorry. That poor child." I had stopped in and given Sandy Thompson a teddy bear one day after hearing Stephen talk about her. She was a beautiful and courageous girl and Stephen had come to care about her deeply. His genuine concern for all of his patients was a quality some people overlooked in the face of his self-confident attitude. But I knew what a kind heart he had underneath.

"She couldn't be in better hands," I said soothingly, giving his arm a squeeze. "Let me get you something to eat. You can't run on just a cup of coffee."

"You know, a tuna sandwich would be nice." He started to take out his wallet, but I pushed his hand away. "No, it's my treat. With chips and milk, right?"

"Right." He smiled his thanks, and I got up to take my place in the cafeteria line. When I returned to our table with the food, I was surprised to see a raven-haired beauty sitting in my chair. She wore a pair of violet scrubs that somehow managed to look better than a designer dress, and she was gazing at Stephen with the look of a hungry dog.

"Thanks, Lily," he said as I put his sandwich down. "This is Jenny Reed. She's a nurse in pediatrics. Jenny, my friend, Lily Evans."

Jenny's smile dimmed from a hundred watts to ten. "Hello, Lily. Nice to meet
you
."

"Nice to meet
you
," I said, just as insincerely. I was surprised by the jealousy coursing through my veins. After all, Stephen and I were no longer engaged; we weren't even dating. He was just one of my best friends. I was in love with Kent. Why in the world would this woman matter to me?

But somehow she did. I couldn't bear the thought of sitting there and hearing them talk shop, which in my experience with Stephen's friends was inevitable. "Well, I've got to be going. I have to meet Katy in half an hour."

"Tell her hi for me, and thanks for the lunch," Stephen said.

"Sure." Jenny and I exchanged nods, and I made my escape.

I had a lot to think about as I drove home. Was I on the right path, trying to get my life back to normal, or was normal no longer an option? Could I learn to accept being psychic, if that was indeed the case? Caliman seemed very well-adjusted and he said there were many like him. If they could help me to understand, help me to learn control
...

A horn beeped, and I realized I was sitting still at a green light. I'd better learn to control my driving before I worried about anything else. I made an effort to concentrate as I passed by all the familiar landmarks. But suddenly came a distraction I could not ignore.

I saw a wolf sitting on the sidewalk, staring at me.

I almost ran into the curb, but managed to stop the car just in time. Quickly, I turned into a side-street and sat there, my heart pounding. I looked back, and the sidewalk was empty, with no kind of animal anywhere in sight.

My mind went immediately into self-defense mode. It was a dog, of course, and had just run away. Never mind the wild air it had, or the lack of leash or collar. I had only caught a glimpse of it, certainly not enough to see for sure. Another husky, probably. Lots of people had huskies.
Breathe deeply, Lily. Relax. Be calm.

After a few minutes I glanced over once again. Nothing. The dog had run home. I needed to do the same.

I steered back onto the main road and drove with my eyes straight in front of me. If an elephant appeared on someone's front lawn, I was going to ignore it. I had had enough for one day. If there were such things as parallel worlds, I hoped my counterpart was faring better than I.

Cleocatra was sitting on the kitchen table when I arrived back at the house. "You know you're not supposed to be up here," I told her. "If this is a hint, you can forget it. No more food before dinner for you. Do you want to be one of those fat cats that people send around in emails and laugh at?"

A flick of her tail dismissed the idea haughtily. Then her green eyes bored into mine.
You will obey my will
, they seemed to say.
Submit to my power. I want a treat. You will give me a treat.

"Well," I said, "I guess one won't hurt." I took it out of the package and she accepted it with a regal nod of her head. She then jumped down and followed me into the next room to curl up beside me on the sofa.

"It's been quite a day, Cleo," I informed her. "I met with Cal first. He really is nice. I felt better after I talked to him. He makes all the things that have happened to me seem—well, not normal exactly, but not freakish either. He says that he can help me develop and learn to control my—powers? No, that makes me sound like Supergirl. Gifts? Maybe. Although sometimes they're a lot more of a curse. Oh, I don't know."

I scratched behind her ears absently as she purred. "It's all very confusing. But it's nice to know that there are choices. And guess what happened next? Your precious Stephen showed up. So did a woman who looked like she wanted to eat him for lunch. She had hair as black as your fur. He obviously likes brunettes."

Cleocatra stopped purring and climbed over me to go and sit on the other side of the sofa. "All right, I'm sorry," I said contritely. "I'm sure he'll always love you the best!"

She ignored me and began batting at the phone on the end table. I reached to stop her before she knocked the receiver out of its cradle. "Are you expecting a call?" I asked. "I'll be glad to get it for you. Come on now, stop that!"

Then all of a sudden the phone began to ring. "Cleo, you scare me sometimes," I murmured as I picked it up. "Hello?"