Soul and Shadow (16 page)

When I was free of the building and in my car, I sat for some minutes simply staring into space. My mind could not process everything that had happened. Professor Briggs—a thief, a liar and a fraud. What on Earth was I going to do? I could not turn him in without hurting Kent and Ursula, and it was my word against his anyway. If I said nothing, I was just as guilty as he was.

One thing was certain either way; my job with him was over. I could never work with that man again. What this would mean to my academic career, I dared not think about now. I needed to find somewhere—some
one
safe—to absorb this latest shock. But who? Kent was gone. Katy was out. My mother would only find a way to bring Stephen
into it. And Stephen was another source of tension in my overwrought emotional life. So where could I find shelter?

In the end, I just went home. I wasn
'
t in much of a state to do anything else. Craving comfort food, I surrendered to gluttony and ate three pieces of my mother
'
s pie with ice cream piled on top. Then I had a candy bar for good measure. I was hardly surprised when I began feeling quite ill.
I
'
ll just take something and lie down
, I thought to myself. I could decide what to do about Briggs tomorrow.

I swallowed some stomach medicine and curled up on the bed. Cleocatra, sensing my agitation, had been glued to me since I came in the door. Now she would not be quiet, pressing up against me and mewing loudly.
"
I
'
ll be all right,
"
I told her.
"
Just let me rest for a while.
"

It was hot in the room, but I didn
'
t feel like getting up to check the air conditioning. I was hoping that if I didn
'
t move the pain beginning to knot up inside of me would go away. I tried to breathe deeply and focus on a peaceful mental image, the way I
'
d been taught in yoga class.

I visualized a soft snow drifting down and icing the branches of trees, just like on a Christmas card. But something was wrong. The snow was melting. And the trees—they kept turning into palms. My white winter moon became a scorching summer sun. I began to tremble. Something was very wrong, and I was afraid.

Chapter Nineteen

Fear is something that I live with all of the time now. For Kahotep, for myself—and for Kamenwati. No matter how much I wish it were possible, I cannot bring myself to hate my husband.

I realize that he is foul, destined for the mouth of Ammit, but when the pain of his betrayal tears at me, other images, unbidden and unwanted, spring up alongside of it. His face as he smiled at me for the first time. His strong, golden body, teaching me the meaning of delight. The tenderness in his voice as he promised that one day we would live together among the stars. I do not know which hurts me more.

Here in the House of Hathor, Kahotep has been kindness itself, but he cannot comfort me. I have learned that he suspects Kamenwati of taking bribes and stealing from the temple stores. My husband is far too clever to be caught of course, but Kahotep has watched him closely, issuing many veiled threats. It is this, and Kamenwati
'
s lust for power, that has spurred him to plot my dear friend
'
s death.

For three days now, investigations have been made and information gathered. I know that soon, Kamenwati
'
s doom must fall. Kahotep will confront him, and he will be brought to court. Even now, I confess that I hope he will abandon Dendera. I would rather disgrace be his fate than death.

Will Kepi run with him? I wonder bitterly. Will they cleave together in their shame? I have my doubts. Whatever they share, it cannot be love. And I do not think that lust will survive the poverty and humiliation that awaits them.

I tell myself that Kamenwati deserves this and much more. But I cannot bring myself to completely believe in this evil creature. Surely, he would not have actually sought the death of Kahotep. Not the man who sat beside me when I had a fever and put cool cloths to my brow. The man who had fashioned a doll from papyrus reeds for little Meretsankh. The man...

But I turn my mind firmly away from this well-worn path. There is no use in it. Kamenwati is lost to me as surely as if he had been swallowed up by the sands of the desert. My only choice is to go forward and live my life the best I can without him.

He has tried to reach me since I have been here. He has been told that I am in communion with the gods and cannot be disturbed. Does he suspect the peril that he is in? I certainly no longer believe that he would miss me for my own sake. He must have heard the whispers, noticed the unusual inquiries. Surely he will run before he can be brought to judgment. I must accept that I will probably never see him again.

Blinking away my tears, I notice one of the temple cats, Bastet, walking towards me. As she reaches my legs, she winds herself around them. I have made a special pet of her over the years, and she has stuck close to me these past days, sensing that I need comfort. I bend down and gather her up. As I hug her, I find myself murmuring a prayer.

"
Beloved Bast, mistress of happiness and bounty, twin of the Sun God, slay the evil that afflicts our minds as you slew the serpent Apep. With your graceful stealth anticipate the moves of all who perpetrate cruelties and stay their hands against the children of light. Grant us the joy of song and dance and ever watch over us in the lonely places in which we must walk.
"

But Bastet seems distressed. Her body is stiff and her eyes are snapping. She stares at me as if she wants to speak. I almost expect to see her lips form words. Then she jumps from my arms, runs ahead, stops, and looks back.

My skin tingles. Is the cat goddess herself trying to communicate with me through her sacred animal? I move towards her, and she runs again. She wants me to follow her. We are out in the temple garden, far from everyone. Therefore, I am surprised to see a
child suddenly appear. It is a boy, still with his sidelock of youth, and he is calling out.
"
Mistress! Please. I have been sent to find you. I have a message.
"

I stop and wait for him. Bastet hisses angrily. I continue following her, motioning to the child to accompany me. I recognize him as a scribe in training who attends the temple school. He reaches me at last and, panting, thrusts a piece of papyrus into my hand. I reward him with a turquoise bead, and he scampers off happily. Breaking the seal, I open up the papyrus. My feet stop in their tracks, for it is signed with Kamenwati
'
s name. Suddenly, my hand is shaking. My eyes pore over the message.

'
My dearest wife. Why do you absent yourself so long from me with no word of comfort? I would that you had shared with me the dreams that have so concerned you. The days and nights are long without your presence. You must know that I am thinking of you, for never did a man love a woman more. Remember all we have been to each other and send me a sign. Your Kamenwati.
'

The ink seems to swim before my eyes. I stand as one in a fever, paying no attention to Bastet swiping her paw at the hem of my dress. How does he dare? How does he dare to write to me as if he had never planned to put me aside? As if, even now, his doom was not swooping in upon him?

Did he think I would lift a finger to help him? Foolish Kamenwati. But even as my heart rages, this visible reminder of my husband cuts me to the quick.
'
Remember all we have been to each other.
'
As if I could forget.

I know that I should destroy this piece of deceit and scatter its shreds to the wind. Why then do I find myself rolling it up and inserting it into the cylinder around my neck? There is room in there with my oracular decree. When I return to my chamber in the temple, I will take it out and dispose of it. After I am able to gather my thoughts more carefully.

When at last I look up, Bastet has disappeared. I begin my walk back, but suddenly, a noise like the whole sky being torn apart assails my ears. For a moment, I am dumbfounded. Then I very slowly turn around, my body trembling.

The sight that greets me paralyzes me with terror. A great wave of swirling, howling dust is ripping across the desert towards me. It blots out the boat of Amun-Ra and moves with the speed of the Nile flood. A sandstorm! And I am far from the safety of any walls.

I break into a frantic run, knowing that my only hope is to reach the temple buildings. I pray desperately as my feet fly. As despondent as I have been, I do not want to die. So much may yet happen, another chance for me to know happiness, to lead a different sort of life. I must have a chance.

Even as I strain every part of my being, the merciless storm is bearing down upon me. I can feel its stinging bite on my skin. The ground is churning beneath me, trapping my sandals. I can no longer make any headway against the ferocious wind.

With a sob of despair, I sink down onto my knees. The whole world is now a raging, choking mass of sand. It is tearing through me, stealing my breath. An image of Kahotep comes into my mind. Every act of care and kindness that he has ever shown me I see again in an instant. His was a true love, a selfless love, and I never understood how priceless that was.

If only I could tell him. But it is too late. I am alone, all alone. Oh, my love, forgive me. I did not realize. Will I see you in the afterlife now? Will you take my hand and smile at me?

Beloved, be with me. Mistress, welcome me into the western mountain. Let
m
aat prevail..
.

I am floating. Am I on air or water? My body has no weight, and I can actually see my mind, a bright cloud of light, floating along beside it. My body and mind mix, swirl together, and separate again.

What shape would words take, I wonder? I try a few, but I sense that they are not leaving my mouth, and I don
'
t have enough breath to utter them. Yet someone responds. They put a mask over my face and hook something into my arm.

The voices are drowned out by the chattering of birds in the trees. I am in a lush garden filled with sweet scents. A beautiful flower floating on the surface of a green pool captures my attention. It has large, soft petals that glow with an unearthly blue light. I watch it, entranced. Suddenly, it speaks to me in a musical, feminine voice.

"
You cannot stay here,
"
it says.

I am pierced by sadness.
"
Why not?
"

"
Your story is not over, my sister. You must return and speak for both of us. Then we may continue to live. I know that you are tired. But you must not give in. Have courage and all will be well. Open your eyes.
"

My lids flickered. I heard the sound of sobbing. The sight of my unemotional mother with tears streaming down her face gave me a real shock.
I must be dying
, I thought in horror. She would never be looking like that if I weren
'
t.

My eyes drifted around the bed and I saw Stephen and Kent. Neither one of them noticed me. All their attention was focused on my mother. She had somehow managed to take the spotlight.
I can
'
t even star in my own death
, I thought, peeved. They each held one of her arms and were leading her out of the room. I was going to protest, but I could not summon the strength.

White clad figures bustled about me. One waved his finger in front of my face. I watched it go by.
"
Pupils are responsive,
"
he said.
"
Lily! Lily, can you hear me?
"

The answer seemed to be very important, so I summoned all my strength and licked my dry lips. I wasn
'
t sure whether or not I croaked
"
Yes
"
out loud, but it seemed the owner of the finger was satisfied. He barked out some orders and various instruments swung into action. I only cared about the cold cloths placed on my skin. It was very hot. Why did they have the heat on so high? I longed for a cool breeze. Or a cool drink...

Kent reappeared momentarily beside me, leaning over and kissing my forehead.
"
I love you,
"
he whispered.

Stephen came back too.
"
You
'
re going to be all right, kid. Just hang in there.
"

I did not want them to go. I suddenly felt terribly alone. Why was everyone leaving? Who was going to make sure that I was safe?

"
I am, Princess.
"

My father smiled at me. He was just the way I remembered him, and I was filled with joy.

"
Daddy!
"

I threw my arms around him. I was so happy I wept, and he hugged me with all the warmth and love that had made me feel so secure in childhood. I did not have to say a word, for I knew that he understood everything in my heart. For a space that was timeless, I simply drew comfort and strength from him. Then, just as I had when I was a little girl, I fell asleep in his embrace.

I was safe.