Soul and Shadow (13 page)

Drifted apart?
I thought. Is that how he had reframed not having any time for me?

"
She thinks we
'
re meant to be together,
"
he added.
"
She practically asked me if I was going to save you from this dangerous foreigner.
"

"
She
'
s never even met him. Honestly, that woman! I don
'
t know what her problem is. Except for the fact that she dotes on you.
"

"
Can I help it if I
'
m irresistible?
"
Seeing my expression, he stifled a grin.
"
I
'
m sorry if it embarrasses you. But your mother is a lot smarter than I was. I shouldn
'
t have let you slip away. I know it
'
s water under the bridge now. I just wonder if Kent is right for you.
"

Stephen
'
s admission might have hit me like a thunderbolt if I hadn
'
t already been struck by lightning. As it was, I skipped right over his declaration and jumped in to defend Kent.
"
He is an absolutely wonderful man. And what if he weren
'
t, anyway? I would figure it out. I can take care of myself.
"

"
Sure you can. That doesn
'
t mean that no one
'
s going to worry.
"

"
Well, there
'
s nothing to worry about. I
'
m dating a great guy, I
'
m having fun, and I
'
m happy.
"

"
Oh,
that
'
s
why your eyes are all red.
"

I glared at him.
"
Kent is having trouble right now. Of course that makes me sad.
"

"
But he has to fly three thousand miles away to settle it. Because that
'
s where he lives.
"

"
Stephen.
"
I kept my rising temper with an effort.
"
Can I politely say that this is none of your business? If you don
'
t want to talk about something else, it would be best for you to leave. The day
'
s been hard enough already.
"

"
Tell you what then...
"
He surprised me by getting up and holding out his hand.
"
Let
'
s go
to
Shuster
'
s and have banana splits. My treat. Remember what you used to say?
'
There
'
s nothing a banana split won
'
t make better.
'
Don
'
t suppose you
'
ve changed your mind?
"

I couldn
'
t help smiling.
"
It
'
s a good philosophy, and I
'
ve stuck with it.
"

"
All right. That
'
s what the doctor orders. And we
'
ll bring back a dish for Cleo.
"

So we went, and it did make me feel better. But I fell asleep that night with the cell phone beside my pillow and no word from Kent.

Kamenwati and I have been very happy. I am proud of his success. He has risen in the ranks at the temple, as I knew he would. He is away from me a great deal, but that is necessary. How else will he advance?

He is pleased with our new house, its painted walls and fine wooden furniture, but both of us enjoy our garden the most. When he is home, we sit under the shade from the trees and delight in the beauty and sweet scents of the flowers. It was on one such day that Kamenwati presented me with the finest gift of my life.

"
It is time you had such adornment as befits you, my wife,
"
he said.
"
See what I have ordered the jeweler to make.
"

My eyes were dazzled. The necklace was filled with rows of beads of many colors. Two large lotus blossoms of deep blue were fastened on the ends and also a string of pearls for holding it about my neck. I turned it over in my hands with rapture as Kamenwati continued.

"
The turquoise is blue like the cornflowers here in our garden, the carnelian is red as the poppies, and the green is the color of the papyrus. Surely that and the lotus will bring us fertility and we will celebrate new birth.
"

It has not pleased the gods to send us any children yet. I pray and make offerings to Hathor and Bast, and trust that one day our house will be filled with sons and daughters to be the delight of our old age and keep us in the afterlife.

I have shared all of my goods with Kamenwati and we are quite comfortable. Work has begun on our tomb and on a copy of the Book of Coming Forth by Day so we shall be well prepared for our journey through the afterworld.

Kamenwati works so hard, it is not surprising that he gets tired sometimes and loses his temper. He is always sorry afterwards. It was the same for my mother and father. No two people live together in perfection.

I am waiting for Kamenwati to come home this evening. A dinner of antelope and honeyed figs has been prepared. Sitting on our portico, I see him approach and rise to meet him. But something is wrong. He is in a state of great agitation. I pour him some wine, but he does not drink it. Neither will he sit down. Instead, he is pacing like a wild animal.

"
It is a disgrace,
"
he mutters,
"
an insult. Why do they deny me what is mine? I am skilled. I deserve to do more than write letters and draw up contracts. I will not be treated this way!
"

"
Calm yourself, my love.
"
I try to take his arm, but he pulls away from me.
"
It
'
s that old man,
"
he fumes.
"
He
'
s never forgiven us for being married. Now he delights in keeping me down. I will never advance while he is in charge.
"

I am shocked.
"
You cannot mean Kahotep? He has been so kind to us. Tell me what has happened. What troubles you so?
"

"
Kind?
"
Kamenwati repeats the word as if it is a curse. I have never seen him so angry.
"
Yes, that is what he would have us think. He has given me no more than is my due, yet I am expected to be grateful like a well-fed dog. And just like a dog, I am supposed to know my place and never beg for more.
'
You are too young to work on the sacred books,
'
he tells me.
'
When you have been among us longer, we shall see.
'"

Kamenwati
'
s eyes blaze and he stares over my head, as if seeing something no one else could see.
"
Pah! Younger men than I have been elevated. It is jealousy, simple and sure. Kahotep fears that I am a threat to him, and he wants power only for himself.
"

While knowing this to be untrue, I nevertheless try to soothe my husband.
"
Your cleverness has not gone unnoticed. You have been promoted once, and you will be again. It will only take time—
"

"
You are a fool, Amisihathor! Can
'
t you see what I have been telling you? Kahotep has me under his heel, and I will stay there as long as he lives.
"

Tears spring to my eyes. I know that he is not himself, but it hurts to bear his anger. As if suddenly understanding this, Kamenwati
'
s face softens. He seems to collect himself with an effort.
"
Wife, forgive my harsh words. This has overmastered me. I had such hopes, not for myself alone, but for the two of us. If I advanced at the temple you would have all the things you deserve. A bigger house, more servants, many more pieces of jewelry. Everything you would have had if you had married Kahotep.
"

In a rush of emotion, I fling my arms about him.
"
If that was what I wanted, I would have married him,
"
I say.
"
But the happiness of my heart was far more important. I need nothing besides your love, Kamenwati.
"

Even as he holds me close, I hear his deep sigh.
"
I would that were true, my beautiful one. But life is not so kind. It is my duty to see that you are cared for, always. And I will do it.
"

Chapter Sixteen

"
Are you telling me that you went on a
date
with Stephen?
"
Katy asked incredulously.

"
No.
"
We were eating lunch in the University cafeteria, and I stabbed at a wayward shrimp with my fork.
"
I
'
m telling you that we had ice cream together. He was trying to cheer me up.
"

"
Uh-
huh
. And this is after he admits that he still loves you.
"

"
He didn
'
t exactly say that.
"

"
Of course he did, you ninny. He comes back and sees that you have an exotic new boyfriend, and it makes him jealous. So he starts messing with your head. Not at all nice when you
'
re vulnerable.
"

I sighed, pushing my salad away. I didn
'
t have much of an appetite. I still hadn
'
t heard from Kent, and anxiety was gnawing at me. I didn
'
t have the energy to argue with Katy.

"
Life was so much easier when all the men in my world had been dead for at least three thousand years,
"
I said morosely.

"
Well, if you want one that is not actually mummified, I suggest that you start fresh. Many a happy relationship has formed from a personal ad. Here, I
'
ll write one for you.
"

Katy got a pen from her purse and began scribbling on a napkin.
"
Beautiful woman, twenty-four years of age. Five feet two inches tall. Petite with dark hair, dark eyes and dazzling smile. Smart, sweet, great sense of humor. Seeks a male soul mate. Sanity preferred, but not essential. No physicians or Englishmen need apply.
"

I chuckled in spite of myself.
"
Thanks, but I
'
ll stick with the ancient variety of male. I
'
ve sketched a few for Dr. Briggs. I
'
m bringing in my portfolio tomorrow. I hope he likes what I
'
ve done.
"

"
I
'
m sure he will. You
'
re a great artist, Lily. You can illustrate the covers of all my best sellers. We
'
ll be as famous as the Captain and Tenille.
"

I knew she meant Lewis Carroll and John Tenniel of
Alice in Wonderland
fame. I made a face at her bad wordplay, but she just laughed.
"
Money will keep us together. We
'
ll be rich enough to pay for assisted living in our old age, and we won
'
t need men at all.
"

It wasn
'
t that simple though. As I sat in my house that evening, I tried to distract myself with a rented movie, but everything in it reminded me of Kent. What was he going through? When would he be coming back? I debated with myself for a while, but the urge to know something, anything, was too strong. I telephoned Dame Ursula.

Winston answered the call and said that her ladyship was
'
occupied.
'
Could I wait? I did, biting my nails nervously until her cultured tones came on the line.
"
Lily, my dear.
"
There was something else in the voice. Fear?
"
I
'
m glad to get the chance to speak with you. I
'
m preparing to return to London.
"

"
Kent told me there had been a family emergency. He didn
'
t have time to explain, but I
'
ve been so worried. Is there anything I can do?
"

She sighed and was silent for a moment.
"
Just be there for him, Lily. He needs you. I
'
m afraid I can
'
t say more than that. I know it
'
s difficult, and I
'
m sorry. But there are things that you are not yet aware of, and when you know everything, I hope that you will understand, and forgive.
"

My stomach had tied itself up in knots. What was she saying?
"
Ursula, I
don
'
t
understand,
"
I said plaintively.
"
Please, can
'
t you tell me what
'
s wrong? Is Kent all right?
"

Instead of answering my question, she surprised me with one of her own.
"
Do you love my grandson, Lily?
"

I was taken off guard and overwrought and so I blurted out the truth.
"
Yes.
"

"
Good. I knew I was not mistaken in you. Kent will be back, and you will have all your answers then. Thank you, my dear. I really must go now. We will talk again. Goodbye.
"

I sat holding the phone for a minute after she had hung up. Only when the mechanical voice announced that the line was temporarily disconnected did I put the receiver down.

Disconnected. That was just how I felt. Nothing made sense anymore. I had been like a giddy child, spinning around and around until the fun gave way to dizziness and nausea and all sense of direction was gone.

What kind of trouble was Kent facing? What dark secret would he reveal to me upon his return? If, in fact, he
did
return. It was getting harder to convince myself that he would. How long could it be for anyway? His job and his life were in England. It was possible not to think of that when he was beside me, but impossible
not
to think of it when he wasn
'
t.

I lay awake for a long time that night, trying to force my mind into more positive channels.
Remember
, I told myself,
you are going to illustrate a book. It will be the most challenging and rewarding work you
'
ve ever done. A career in art is no longer just a dream. And you did it all yourself.

My thoughts drifted to childhood memories of my Dad hanging up each picture I drew and showing them off to everyone who entered the house. How proud he would be of me now. It was this thought that finally comforted me enough to sleep. But it was not to be an easy slumber.

"
Are you all right, mistress?
"
Tia asks, looking at my face in concern.

"
Yes,
"
I say untruthfully.
"
It is so close today, that is all.
"

The air is indeed oppressive. It almost hurts to breathe it in. My sleep was broken by nightmares in which I was being sealed in my own tomb. I tried to call out, but no one could hear me. I awoke gasping for breath and damp with perspiration.

The terror of it continues to take its toll this morning. I am restless and uneasy, unable to settle down to anything. After pricking my finger several times, I abandon my needlework and seek solace in the garden. Perhaps among the trees and flowers I can rid myself of the nerves that assail me.

I am drawn to the cool waters and the fish swimming therein. When I was a child and visiting the house of Kahotep, the pool was my favorite spot. I loved the blue tiles that lined it, the lotus blossoms floating on the surface, the different creatures that lived there. Sometimes I would see turtles climbing onto the rocks around the trees and I was filled with delight. Our own pool is not as grand, but it is dear to my heart as well. It affords me great peace.

"
Leave me for awhile,
"
I tell Tia.
"
I wish to sit in silence.
"

But even this does not calm me. I need to go to the temple and seek out the proper priest. He will be able to interpret my dreams and give me a remedy.

Rising with a new determination, I put on my shawl and leave my house to go out into the street. Tia runs along behind me like an anxious shadow.
"
Mistress,
"
she protests,
"
I do not think that it is wise to journey forth today. Recall that the master said you were to rest.
"

"
I need to see the wise man,
"
I reply,
"
in order to feel better. There is no need for you to come, Tia. I will be quite all right.
"

She is not happy, but says no more. I walk through the town, exchanging greetings with neighbors absently, only taking genuine notice of little Meretsankh, the beer-maker
'
s
daughter. She is pulling a carved wooden horse on a rope and giggles in delight when I stop to pat its head.

My heart swells with tenderness each time I see this beautiful child. I have not yet fulfilled my duty of bringing forth one of my own. Perhaps I will ask the amulet man for another charm to help me. Musing on these matters, I draw near the temple walls. The sight of the god
'
s house never fails to move me. It is a splendid, sacred place, full of mystery and awe, yet also of strength and comfort.

For many years, it was more of a home to me than the house I lived in. When my father passed on and my mother had no time for me, I was always welcome here. Kahotep was kind to me, and I learned to serve the goddess, giving my life purpose. I will visit with him today after I have seen the priest.

My husband is absent. He is at the great estate of a lord, drawing up household contracts. He has promised to be home for the evening meal. He has been distant of late, worn down by his hard work. He is so determined to succeed and provide his family with every material comfort. When our children come, he says, they will want for nothing.

I am thinking of him as I walk past the mighty pillars, so that for a moment I wonder if I have imagined his voice. It seems to be coming from beyond the doorway into the next hall. I stop in my tracks, but of course it cannot be him. I am about to go on when I hear it again. This time there is no mistaking the voice of Kamenwati. It is faint, and I cannot make out the words, but I know that it is he.

I follow the sound into the shadows. He has returned from the lord
'
s house early and should indeed be home this evening. Perhaps we can walk back together. He is speaking with someone now, though, and they are moving off ahead of me. I tread softly behind. I wish to see him, but I do not want to interrupt any temple business. I will wait nearby until he is finished.

Then, suddenly, I catch a glimpse of him as he crosses in front of a torch on the wall. And I see his companion also.

I am startled to recognize Kepi, a young priestess who has recently come among us. And I am more than startled by the way they are looking at each other. I am sickened. For in that glance is naked desire, which hits me like a thunderbolt of Amun-Ra.

I pull back instinctively behind a pillar, just as they check to make sure no one observes them. Their hands touch briefly, and then they steal even further into the temple. Carefully, hardly knowing what I am doing, I creep after them.

They find an alcove and I hide behind a statue of his Majesty King Amenhotep. My heart is in my throat and I want desperately to shut my eyes, but I must also see what happens.

Kamenwati pulls Kepi to him and kisses her roughly, sliding his hand inside of her tunic. I have to bite my tongue to keep from crying out, but the pain is nothing compared to the crushing weight on my soul. They are attacking each other like crocodiles in the Nile. I almost crumple where I stand, but then Kepi breaks away.

"
When? When will we be free?
"
she whispers fiercely.
"
You have promised me, Kamenwati. I would live by your side and share all with you. Yet you tarry, while our sons wait to be born. I cannot endure it!
"

"
My love,
"
he says soothingly,
"
I have told you. I cannot set aside Amisihathor while the old priest lives. He would cause me to lose everything.
"

There is fire in Kepi
'
s eyes. It freezes my very blood.

"
Then he should not live,
"
she rasps.
"
What right does he have to stand in our way? His day is past. You should be in his place. How often have you said so yourself? Are you no longer resolved to be rid of him? Do you wish to be a junior clerk with a barren wife all of your life?
"