Songbird (35 page)

I had to give Ezra credit. The beaded,
trumpeted gown in rich blue was beautiful and perfect. The cowl
neck accented my shoulders and there was enough of a back I didn’t
feel awkward.

My back seemed to have rolls in all the wrong
places, something hard to hide if my dress stopped at my side. I
could fake the confidence if I had to, but I spent a lot of my time
against a wall.

When I stepped out of the limo at the house,
I sighed a little and drew my shoulders back. I could do this.
Nicholas had listened to me before. My heart cracked a little.
Before
.

When I knocked Shamus opened the door and I
gave him a nervous smile. “Hi, Shamus. Where is he?”

Shamus stood back and let me enter. “The
music room, downstairs. I will warn you he’s not been in the best
of moods.”

The smile hurt my face. “I’ve dealt with
worse. If I’m not back in ten minutes, write a moving eulogy.”

“The most beautiful.” Shamus nodded
somberly.

While I’d only been in the house once,
following the noise wasn’t a problem. The guitar was loud and a
little harder than acceptable for country music. Crossing genres
wasn’t bad but it was a surprise considering how much he loved
country.

The stairs descended into a completely open
room with hard wood floors, and bright lights. A painting lined one
of the walls. Some mystic forest it looked like from this distance.
The work was so well done the painting acted as a window instead of
color on a canvas.

Nicholas sat with his back to the stairs,
guitar in hand and a notebook at his side. I leaned against the
banister and took a deep breath. I could do this.

“Should I tell Ezra that he wasted money on
this dress then?”

Nicholas’s head whipped around so fast he
toppled onto the floor. His elbow cracked the wood and the guitar
skidded a few feet. Curses flew out of his mouth as fast as hard as
his music had been.

“Dear, God, Walker.” I crossed the room,
nerves forgotten, and crouched – because kneeling in the dress and
heels was out of the question. “Are you all right?”

“What are you doing here?” He rolled to his
stomach and pushed up enough to be eye to eye with me.

“Ezra said there’s a gala we’re going to
tonight.” Which wasn’t a lie. Exactly. “He actually insisted that I
go with you. Something about a filthy temper but I’ve never found
your temper to be too outrageous.” The smile I attempted did
nothing to curve my lips.

Nicholas looked down at himself. “I’m not
dressed.”

I laughed and hoped it sounded cheerful and
not strained. “I see that. A suit shouldn’t be too hard to drag
on.”

Nicholas pushed the rest of the way to his
feet and held out a hand to help me up out of my crouch. Hopefully
he didn’t notice the dampness of my palm or the slight shake as I
placed my hand into his.

“It’s been a while, Songbird. You look good.”
He didn’t release my hand. “Why should I go to the gala with
you?”

“I can make arrangements for someone else to
go if you prefer. I left my bag in the car, but—”

“I don’t want anyone else.” He hissed and
yanked hard on my hand, causing me to stumble against him. I hissed
as my side twisted and the healing ribs protested. Why did it take
so long for ribs to heal?

“Shit. Sorry.” His hands came around and
wrapped around my waist, holding me to him.

“Yeah. No problem.” I wedged a hand between
our chests and tried to push him away.

“You’re going to listen now.” Nicholas
tightened his arms. “I’m not letting go until you hear me out.”

“Mr. Walker—”

“And don’t fucking call me that.”

I looked up and the fury in his eyes made me
want to cringe away. “Nicholas, really, there’s nothing to
discuss.”

“You. Left. Me.” He sounded incredulous.
“High and dry. Are you ready to talk about it?”

“We
have
talked about.” I mentally
applauded my reasonable tone. “You deserve more than I have to
offer.”

“You didn’t fucking ask me what I wanted. You
assumed. Or at least you weren’t willing to hear me when I was
ready to talk to you.”

I closed my eyes. My head dropped against his
collarbone, suddenly too tired. Not being near him after being so
close to him during the tour left a hole so big this was hard.
Being in his arms tore apart the fragile walls I had begun to
rebuild around my heart.

“Songbird, talk to me. Why are you shutting
me out? For real this time. Why won’t you give us a chance?” His
voice was low and hoarse and the pain in it cut into my heart fast
and deep.

“Let me go, please.” I couldn’t talk to him
while pressed against his chest. His scent was too intoxicating and
brought too many memories to the surface.

His head dipped and his lips brushed my ear
when he whispered. “I’m not deaf, Bianca. I hear the music. Try
again.”

I lifted my head and stiffened my spine.
“When this all began, you told everyone on the tour bus you only
had room in your heart for music.”

His arms fell away. The truth hurt even more
than being in his presence. At least now I could step back from the
intoxication scent of him.

“Then you understand.” I lifted my chin. “I
will admit I miss the easy friendship, but I’m not going to be a
convenient lay or...I can’t go back to being in that position.” My
voice shook and dropped. “I won’t.”

He tucked his hands into the pockets of his
jeans. “No. You shouldn’t.”

“Then we agree.” I swallowed and cleared my
throat. “Get some clothes on. Let’s go.” I turned and marched up
the stairs, pretending I wasn’t trampling on my own heart.

If I had expected Nicholas to be silent and
at least pretend to be companionable that wish was shot down with
the broken silence. There was nothing left to say but leave it to
Nicholas to beat a dead horse.

“You’ve given me some things to think about.
Do you know what I realized?” Nicholas turned in his seat and
picked up my hand from the seat between us.

I braced for the words I knew were coming.
The blow about to crush my heart was expected weeks ago. He could
never love me but to hear him say it might be more than I could
deal with. Especially since I still had to be polite for the rest
of the evening.

“Oh?” My voice was only a whisper I wasn’t
sure he heard. I knew he could feel my hand trembling because he
lifted it to his lips to kiss the knuckles.

A ghost of a smile played on his lips when he
lowered our hands. “I realized that I’ll never be enough for
you.”

My mouth gapped open but I couldn’t force any
sound out.

“Without you in my life, I crumble like sand.
The guys, and Ezra witnessed it the last month. You’re this
enormous pillar of strength I know I can rely on. I can lean on you
and everything will be okay. You are strong enough to handle my
moods as they come and strong enough to face me down when I’m in
the wrong.” He played with our fingers. “But I can’t do that for
you.”

“What are you talking about?” I couldn’t
follow his logic. There was something wrong with it. There was no
way this gorgeous, talented man was demeaning himself for me. For
scarred, broken me.

“I can’t hold you up. I can kill the bad guys
that make you cry but there’s nothing I can really do that you
can’t do for yourself. You are so fucking powerful and don’t even
realize it. It’s a shame really that you don’t apply that to all
aspects of your life.”

“Nicholas…” I had nothing to say. I didn’t
know what to say.

Nicholas squeezed my fingers, “But even
though I can’t hold you up, I can catch you when you fall. I’ll be
your net, Bianca, if you’ll be my pillar.” He slid off his seat and
moved to kneel next to me. He dropped his head into my lap and
closed his eyes. “Please don’t leave me, again. Please?”

My hand moved automatically to brush the soft
hair that had fallen into his face. There was no way I could do
this with him. Nicholas needed someone better than me. He needed
someone that wasn’t broken and trying to put the pieces back
together.

“I—”

“Bianca,” his voice was hoarse, “I need
you.”

That word was like a slap in the face. Need
was the sound of a gun and blood splashed on white roses. Need was
desperation and confinement. Need was…terrifying.

Need had gotten Tyler killed. Taylor injured,
and me? Need had put me in the hospital for two weeks with a
questionable chance of recovery. No. I did
not
want to be
needed ever again.

A good minute passed before I could get past
the shock to speak. “I was needed before. Benjamin needed me. Dad
needed me. I don’t want to be needed Nicholas. Being needed scares
me.” The last sentence came out in a whisper I couldn’t hear over
my drumming heart.

He sat up and suddenly climbed into my seat
and straddling my lap. Twilight moved through his forest eyes and I
could see the emotion I dreamed of but something in me needed him
to say it out loud to be believable. He stared into my face for a
long time before leaning forward pressing me into the back of the
seat as his hair tickled my cheek.

“Listen carefully,” he whispered directly
into my ear. “I’m going to tell you something only my mother has
ever heard.”

“Okay,” I whispered back, turning my head
enough that the syllables of the word feathered against his
ear.

“I love you, Songbird.”

The words made my eyes burn with tears. I let
them stream down my cheek. When he said it the words didn’t feel
wrong. Never in my life had something sounded so beautiful, but…I
waited so long for someone to love me. Really love me. Now it
didn’t seem real. “You can’t. I’m not good for you. For your
career. There are so many better choices for you to make.”

Nicholas pressed a gentle kiss to the place
where ear and jaw connected. “If you leave me, you’ll take my
music. I did say in the beginning the only room I had in my heart
was for my craft. But you never asked what created the songs.
You’re my muse. I can’t have one without the other. I love you.
Please stay with me.”

“What if I don’t love you?” The question came
out in broke gasps between restrained sobs. What I felt for
Nicholas couldn’t be love. The emotion was too consuming and
fierce. I loved Tyler but Nicholas? This couldn’t be love. “What if
I don’t want to stay?”

“Then you’ll break me and I’ll only be a
memory.” He said it so simply I believed it.

I wrapped my arms around his waist burying my
head into his shoulder. He
was
strong. He wasn’t afraid to
hold me when I cried. Something no one had done since Tyler.

“I’m sorry, Bianca.” He held tight and rested
his head against the top of mine. “I know I’ve fucked up. I know
I’ve done some things that are probably going to be really hard to
forget. I… It’s hard to admit but in the beginning, I was scared of
you. When I realized what was happening, when I knew that you would
rip out my heart when the tour was over… I was scared that there
was never any way you’d ever love even a tiny part of me.”

“I don’t know that I love you.” My voice
choked. “I didn’t lie when I said I missed your friendship. But
love? Nicholas, love is something that takes time. The flash bang
variety isn’t lasting.”

“What else do you miss besides the
friendship?” His mouth pressed to my head. “Tell me.”

The time it took to inhale and exhale a
calming breath was used to put the answer to his question in order.
“When Ezra gave me the office space I stocked a drawer full of
candy bars before I knew why I did it. I miss your sugar
habit.”

“I’ll come get one tomorrow.” His arms
tightened around me but I didn’t feel threatened by him. I never
felt threatened by Nicholas. “What else?”

Another deep inhale was filled with his
cologne. “I miss your scent. I know it’s you nearby when I’m in the
halls at work and I have to rush through the cloud of it to keep
from crying.”

“You never wear perfume. Your soap and
deodorant have its own combination too. I know when you’re at
work.”

“I miss being held when I cry. You’re not
scared to hold me when I break down.”

“Everyone’s allowed to cry, Songbird.”

“I miss the band and working with you
guys.”

“That’s not about me, but I’ll count
that.”

“Generous of you.” Sarcasm laced my
voice.

He didn’t react to the snip. “Songbird, why
do you think you miss all those things?”

“Because we’re friends or we were.”

“We still are friends and it’s more than
that. Why can’t you say it? What’s holding you back?”

“You deserve more than me.” How many
different ways could I say the same thing before he understood it?
There was no way I could have ever done anything in my life to be
worthy of Nicholas as a reward.

“Everyone deserves happiness. Did I make you
happy?”