Some Loves (17 page)

“So you are not positive it was me because you never actually saw my face?” I pointed out.

“I don’t remember if I saw your face or not,” he mumbled.

“Drew!” Riley growled.

“If you were so sure it was me, why didn’t you just come talk to me? I mean talk to
Riley
? Why didn’t you confront her?” I asked. “If you had, none of us would be here right now. I think you saw her and just assumed the worst.”

He shrugged. “It wasn’t my place. I sat in the booth on the other side of yours. I overheard that dude say he was tired of sneaking around. I heard you,” he looked at me then at Riley in confusion, “I heard one of you, say that you needed a little bit longer.” He shook his head. “Why would
you
be sneaking around with him?” he asked Riley skeptically. “You’re not seeing anyone else, are you?”

She shook her head. “Not that it’s any of your business,” she growled, “but I felt guilty because Emory dated him first. I didn’t know how to tell her.”

He motioned to me and made a face. “Well, she knows now.”

“She sure does, so thanks for that,” Riley spat back.
She began rummaging through her purse. She pulled her phone out and gave me a hesitant look before she began scrolling through it. Finally she got up and landed on the couch next to Drew. “Here, does this help?”

I craned my neck and was able to make out pictures. They were of Riley and Caleb together.
I wasn’t jealous but the sight of the two of them together, posing, smiling, arms around each other…it was
strange
.

He leaned back against the cushions again. His gaze swung between the two of us once more. It was almost as if I could slowly see his wheel of thought creaking into motion. “Seriously?” he finally asked as he turned to Riley. “It was
you
?”

“It was absolutely me,” Riley assured him.

“Drew,” I said firmly, “you know how I feel about Noah. You know how hard things were for both of us last fall. We’re finally getting back to where we used to be. I would
never
do anything to put us in that situation again. I
love
him. You know that, right? He means everything to me. I have no interest in anyone else. I would never sneak around like that. You have to believe me. And you need to fix this. I can’t stand the thought of Noah hating me for something I didn’t even do.”

“Well, shit,” Drew mumbled. “Looks like I’ve got some explaining to do.”

“Yeah,” Riley said, “that pretty much sums it up.”

It wasn’t until the next afternoon that my doorbell rang
. I hadn’t known whether to expect Noah or not. A part of me wondered if he’d believe Drew. As much as I hated to think it, a part of me felt that Noah was insistent upon expecting the worst from me.

Would he look at this the same way that Drew originally had? Would he assume that Riley was simply covering for
me?

I pulled the door open, anxious and nervous to find out.

“Hi,” Noah said. “Can I come in?”

I stepped aside to allow him
entry. I walked toward the living room and I heard him following behind me. I settled into the chair and he slowly moved toward the couch. He eyed me hesitantly.

“So Drew told me what happened. Riley’s dating Caleb?”

“Apparently so. I had no idea,” I admitted.

He nodded sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have taken Drew’s word over yours. It’s just that he’s my best friend. He was so sure. He was really ripped up about it and I knew he’d never lie to me.”

“I told you it wasn’t me, and you didn’t believe me,” I pointed out. At the same time, I understood where Noah was coming from. Drew
had
been sure. Drew had been his best friend since they were kids and Drew had no reason to lie. Still, it hurt that he hadn’t trusted me.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he raked a hand over his face. “I feel like I’m constantly saying that. I hate that I keep jumping to conclusions. I hate that I keep doing things that I need to apologize for. It never used to be like this with us.”

“I know,” I admitted.

“Can you forgive me? Again? Or more to the point, is there any chance we can just forget this happened?” he asked with a sarcastic laugh.

“And then what?” I asked.

“Move on?” He gave me a questioning look.

“I don’t know if I can,” I admitted.

“You can’t forgive me? Or you can’t move on?” he asked worriedly.

“I can’t pretend that this last fight never happened,” I clarified. “I want to be with you. You know I do. But I can’t be with you if you can’t trust me.”

After we’d left Drew’s that’s all I’d been able to think about. I’d been sure he’d tell Noah the truth
; that he’d made a mistake. I’d hoped that Noah would believe him. I wanted Noah and me to fix this.

But the deeper truth was that until Noah trusted me, something like this could easily happen again.

“I know,” Noah said, his voice resigned. “I was wrong.”

“I get that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel insecure. But I’ve done everything I can to prove myself to you. I’ve stayed away from Caleb like you’ve asked. I’ve never given you any reason to doubt me, yet you do,” I said.

He gnawed on the inside of his cheek. I wanted to know what was going through his head, but he kept quiet. Maybe he was just thinking over what I said.

“I know you can’t like having this…this constant feeling of doubt hanging over us anymore than I do,” I quietly said.

He shook his head. “I don’t. I hate it. I’m trying to work past it. Every time I think I’m there, something happens and I feel like I get shoved right back to where I started from.”

I took a moment to absorb what he had to say. The silence hung in the air, thick and heavy.

“Either we get past this once and for all, or we don’t,” I finally said. “But I can’t have you doubting me every time I even talk to Caleb, or if you even think I’ve talked to Caleb. Ashton isn’t that big. We already both know I’m going to run into him from time to time.”

“What are you saying?”
Noah asked as he leaned forward, scooting to the edge of the cushions. He leveled his gaze on me.

“I’m saying that until you can tell me that we can move past this, I think we need to take a break from each other.
I can only apologize for what happened so many times.” I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to grasp the enormity of what I’d just said.

“A break?” Noah repeated. “Do you want that?”

No. I didn’t want that at all. But I thought maybe we needed it.

“I want to this to be a healthy rela
tionship. It’s not right now. You can’t have a healthy relationship without trust. You don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust
him
,” Noah argued.

I sighed. “If you trust me, it shouldn’t matter if you can trust him or not. Trusting me would be enough.”

“So that’s it?”

“That’s how I feel. You have to know how much I love you.” I got up from the chair and moved across the room. I sat down next to him. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but after Evan died, I felt like you were my anchor. I felt like without you, I would’ve just been swept away in this sea of misery. But you were there for me. Whenever I started feeling lost, you were there. You’ve always been there for me.”

“Except for when you shut me out.” His tone was quiet, not a hint of accusation.

“
Right. I know I’m not blameless but it still hurts that you don’t trust me.”

He took my hand in his and I leaned into him. It would be so easy to just take it all back and pretend that everything
was okay.

“I want to trust you.”

“But you don’t.”

“Em, Drew was
so
sure. You have to understand that. I had no reason to not believe him.”

“You
did
have a reason. I told you that it wasn’t me. That should’ve been reason enough. You didn’t even try to listen to me. It probably never crossed your mind that there could be another explanation.”

He looked away from me and I knew I was right.

“I guess this is one of those times when ‘sorry’ just isn’t good enough,” he said when he returned his attention to me.

“I want it to be,” I said.

“But it’s not.”

I shook my head.

“Em, you know this goes back further than you sleeping with Caleb, don’t you? I know we weren’t together then. But you have to realize it goes back further than that. You keep telling me I need to trust you. I want to. But here’s the thing; he kissed you and you never told me. You were my girlfriend at the time. Whether or not you kissed him back, you
should
have told me. You turned to him when I was practically begging you to turn to me. So it’s not just the physical relationship that you had with him that bothers me, it’s the emotional one. And really, that’s almost harder to deal with.” He stopped to look at me. “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah,” I admitted. “It does.”

“You confided in him, you built this emotional attachment to him. So you keep saying I should trust you and that I’ve given you no reason not to, but last fall, you gave me plenty of reason. That’s what I’m having a hard time getting past. You kept all of that from me, how close you were getting to him. So yeah, maybe I’m jumping to conclusions now. But I don’t want to be blindsided like I was back then.”

“You’re right,” I agreed. I hadn’t realized until he said it how much the emotional part of my relationship with Caleb bothered him. As I thought it through, I realized he had every right to question me. I’d given him that right. “I don’t know what to say, Noah. All I can do is promise you that I will never make the same mistake again.”

“I want to believe that,” he said as he squeezed my hand.

“
But until you do…” I bit my lip, unable to finish.

“This isn’t going to work,” he finished for me.

I shook my head, wondering what I had just done. I knew that we had to have this conversation, and that every word was true. I just hadn’t wanted it to turn out like this.

“I should probably go,” he said as he let go of my hand and rose from the couch.

My breath hitched in my throat as I got up and followed him to the door. Earlier, I’d naively believed that now that he knew the truth—that it was Riley seeing Caleb—that everything would be okay.

He reached the door and turned to me. I blinked back my tears.

“I don’t want this to be over,” I said.

He reached for me, pulling me into a hug. “It’s not over. It’s just…maybe on hold for a while.” I leaned my head against his chest. I wanted to absorb every last second of his hug. Eventually his arms slid away. He pressed a kiss onto my forehead and then he was gone.

The moment the door closed behind him, I leaned against it. Every cell in my body was begging me to chase after him. I was tempted to try to take back every word I’d said. But I couldn’t because both of us had simply spoken the truth.

I needed to face that truth.

I
had
given him reason to doubt me.

My phone rang I followed the sound to the kitchen. Riley’s face appeared on my screen. For just a second, I debated not answering it. I wasn’t sure how I felt about her and Caleb. Together. I still couldn’t believe she’d kept it from me for so long. There had been a time when Riley and I had shared absolutely everything.

“Hello?” I finally answered. I couldn’t stay upset with her for long. And really, I knew her meeting with Caleb had very little to do with the problems Noah and I were having.

“Did you work it all out?” she cautiously asked.

“No, not really.” I told her about the conversation we’d had, that Noah had left, and that at the very least we were taking a break for awhile.

“I think you could use a friend right now,” Riley
said. “And I haven’t been a very good one lately. Is it okay if I come over?”

“How soon can you get here?” I asked as I forced a laugh. I had a hunch things were going to be off-kilter with Noah for awhile. But if Riley was offering to get our friendship back on track, I was more than willing to accept that offer.

“Soon,” she said. “I’m on my way.”

***

Weeks
went by and I hadn’t heard a word from Noah. I started to panic as I second-guessed myself. I should never have given him an ultimatum. Each day that passed by left me clutching my phone, wondering if I should call him so that I could take it all back. Living without him was excruciating.

I had brought it on myself by becoming close to someone else.

Now that school was out for the summer, I didn’t run into Noah at all. I worked almost full time at Tiny Tots Boutique. Tyler had started baseball but Noah wasn’t coaching his team. I’d found out that he was coaching the nine year olds. I wasn’t sure if he’d been bumped up or if he’d requested the change. Really, either scenario was possible.

By the time nearly a month had passed, I realized there was no reason that Noah had to be the one to make the first move. I called him on Friday night after I got home from work. His phone went straight to voicemail. I selfishly hoped that he wasn’t on a date.

“Hey, Noah, it’s me,” I said. “I was just wondering how you’re doing. I wanted to tell you how much I miss you. I hate this, being without you, I mean.” I clutched the phone in my hand. What else was there to say? “I love you.”

I disconnected and the never-ending feeling of discontentment rolled over me yet again. I spent the evening going through the box Dylan had dropped off for me a few days before. I’d rifled through it once but hadn’t really taken my time with it. It was all so overwhelming.

The box was full of random items. It almost made me laugh because it seemed so…Evan. This was exactly the way that I would expect him pack, haphazardly, with a bit of everything tossed in.

There were a few concert t-sh
irts, ticket stubs, an old set of car keys. A model car that he’d built in high school. But it was the pictures that really got to me. I leafed through them again that night. They brought a combination of tears and smiles to my face.

By the next morning, I was able to look at them and simply smile. I was working on sorting them into piles when the doorbell rang.

I hadn’t heard from Noah yet and I wasn’t sure that I was going to. Just because I’d reached out to him didn’t mean he was ready to reciprocate. However, apparently he was.

I pulled the door open to find him standing t
here. He met me with a sweet, nervous smile.

“Hey, Em, can we talk?”

“Yes, of course,” I stepped outside. It was such a beautiful day. We walked over to the porch swing and took a seat.

“I’m glad you called last night. I’m sorry I missed it. We had a game and it was late when we got back into town,” he explained.

“You’re playing?” I asked with a smile.

He nodded. “Yeah. Maybe you could come watch sometime?”

“I would like that.” I waited for him to say something more. Finally, he did.

“I miss you too. I know a lot has happened this past year. I think we can agree that we’re both at fault for letting things get a little out of control.” I nodded and he continued. “But I miss you. I’ve thought a lot about what you said. I
do
need to trust you. If you can promise me, right here, right now, that you will always be honest with me, I will promise you that from here on out, I won’t doubt you.”