SOLID GROUND: GODS OF CHAOS MC (BOOK TWO) (11 page)

☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼

So that was what it felt like.  

To hold a guy’s hand.  To voluntarily kiss someone.  To see that look of desire in their eyes when they looked at you.

For someone who had gone through so much, done so much sexually, or rather had so much done to her, I felt like a virgin.

I had never had a boyfriend, gone on a date, nothing of the sort.  Mom had kept me sheltered, home-schooled me, which, in reality, consisted of spending hours painting my nails, experimenting with clothes and make-up to make me look older, or at least meeting some exaggerated measure of the perfect image she had of me in her head.  

Her idea of education consisted of me sitting at the kitchen table and reading whatever etiquette book she seemed to think was appropriate.  Luckily, I liked to read, and I soaked up every bit of knowledge I could find in those books.  

Socializing wasn’t high on her priorities list, to say the least.  I never had a chance to meet boys my age, because I wasn’t around them.  I was a virgin when she sold me to Monty.  He quickly remedied that, but it was never something I wanted, and certainly never pleasurable.  

As soon as Riot grabbed my hand, that was all I could think about. I had never had my hand held. Not even by one of Monty’s friends. And I hadn’t even realized it until that very moment.

I was in awe that a gesture as simple as a handsome man’s hand in mine could barrel through me with such force that it would leave me speechless.  A yearning flooded over me as Riot led me through the woods.  A yearning for everything I missed, everything I was deprived of, all the normal parts of growing up and experiencing life.  

Such simple things.

A warm, comforting hand in mine.  A quiet walk through the woods at night.  A rushing creek bathed in moonlight.

I had missed so much.  There must be things out there I don’t even know I’ve missed.

When I saw the waterfall, I was overcome with emotion.  A pure, bliss-filled bubble of joy swelled inside me and everything finally dawned on me.

I was free now.  I could do these things.  All the things I had missed out on, they could be mine now.  

Riot stood in front of me, and I watched him in awe. He looked wild and savage amongst all the raw natural beauty surrounding us. Little droplets of mist clung to his beard, and I smiled.  Something about this man filled me with so many different emotions, things I had never let myself feel before, things that the barricades I had built up seemed to be useless against.

And, for once in my life, I desperately wanted to feel those things.  They didn’t hurt.  They were amazing!  Tenderness, protectiveness, happiness, and what? Lust? I couldn’t ignore the warmth that spread from my limbs to my loins.  That was new, too.

It felt as if my body was coming alive, as if my life was slowly expanding around me, as if I was awakening from some deep slumber and had finally woken up to the sunlight.

Without thinking of anything but how grateful I was, my lips, eager for something new themselves, brushed against Riot’s mouth.  

I didn’t think any further than that, but the kiss that he laid on me almost brought me to my knees.  I whimpered, grateful he was holding me up with his muscular arms that he had so deliciously wrapped around me, when he abruptly let me go.

I didn’t know what to think. Had I done something wrong? I had wanted it. Fuck, I had loved it. The electricity shot through me like a rocket as he kissed me, burning every inch of my body, shimmering inside me for long after he pulled away.

The entire walk back to the clubhouse, I was trying to figure out how I could get him to do it again.

***

“Police aren’t releasing any details, but it appears the Mayor was slain in the luxury condominium skyrise, the Escala, in East Seattle.  It’s not clear at this time who owns the condo, but police have released a photo and a name of a person of interest….”

Riot and I walked back into the clubhouse to see a group of brothers, along with Cherry, Tiff and Grace crowded around the television.  

“Shit,” Ryder said, standing to Grace’s left.

“What’s going on?” Riot asked.

The crowd parted slightly, all eyes landed on me as they turned my way slowly.  I gasped as I saw a photo of my own face staring back at me from the television.  

“Police are searching for Lacey Carrington.  Ms. Carrington is not being called a suspect, the police say they just want to ask her some questions. Authorities have not revealed Ms. Carrington’s relationship to the Mayor or how she is involved in the case, as of yet.”

“Oh, fuck.” I sank to the couch, my eyes glued to the screen.  

“Don’t be alarmed, Lacey,” Grace said, sitting down next to me and taking my hand.  “We knew this was going to happen. You’re safe here, I promise.”

I nodded silently.

“Police haven’t released any details on the manner of death of Mayor Patterson. The President of the Council, Ron Green, will take over all mayoral duties for the time being.”  The blonde, perky reporter was holding a microphone that was almost as big as her face, and he eyes were as sharp as a hawks.  “We’ll be updating you as more information comes in. I’m Diana Trudeau, with KATU news, Portland.”

Riot turned off the television and I felt everyone’s eyes on me again.  I felt like I was going to be sick.  I knew this was going to happen, but the reality of it all was just too overwhelming.  

“How can you be so sure they won’t find me?” I asked Grace again.  I turned to look at her, and was comforted by the confidence in her eyes.

“Because that’s what we do, Lacey.  And we take our job very seriously,” she replied.

I nodded, wanting so desperately to believe her, but the creeping doubt inched deeper into my soul.

You killed Monty
, that silent voice reminded me.  

“I hope you’re right,” I said.  “I’m going to get some sleep now.  I’m so exhausted.”

“Of course,” Grace said gently.  “Let us know if you need anything.”

I stood up, avoiding all the eyes that were turned my way, especially Riot’s.  

I knew if I looked at him again, I would either spontaneously kiss him again, or more likely, burst out crying.

And that wasn’t me.  

I pushed all the thoughts away, and pushed the pain as deep as it would go inside me, and walked to my room alone.

☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼

Goddamn, it hurt to see her like that.  She looked like she had seen a ghost by the time she finished watching that newscast, and who wouldn’t, with their face plastered all over the TV like that.

She had gone through hell, and it wasn’t over, not by a long shot.  I knew what starting over felt like, but not when you were forced to assume a new identity all alone.  

All of us Gods had gone through some sort of hell, otherwise we wouldn’t be here.  We’d be suited up in a corner office or something.  Instead, we were suited up in leather and tattoos, and the constant smell of booze and weed was our cologne.  But the thing that kept us all sane was that, at the very least, we had each other.  It was a brotherhood of misfits, and I was thankful to be a part of it.

But it just made me feel that much worse that we would soon be sending Lacey off into the world by herself.  Sure, Grace had all sorts of support networks in place, but it wasn’t the same as every day companionship.

After the usual partying had died down, hours after Lacey had gone to her room, I drunkenly retreated to my own room, refusing Slade’s constant provoking and prodding as he tried to goad me into fighting him again.  I had no desire to do that tonight, even though it often made me feel better to pummel his smug face into submission.  

But not tonight, no.  I laid in bed, my mind swimming from the intoxicating effects of the whiskey I had consumed, but even more so, the lips I had consumed earlier.  The pain in Lacey’s eyes afterwards haunted me for hours as I tossed and turned, unable to get to sleep, the liquor failing miserably in doing its job.  

Finally, I got up and rolled a joint.  I walked out to the porch for some fresh air, and lit it.  Right away, the big swoosh of white wings caught my eye and I turned to the left to see Oliver and Olivia sitting there blinking their big yellow eyes at me.

“Hey there.  You two can’t sleep either?”  I laughed at my own joke.  “I guess this is lunch time for you.”

I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but I loved these two owls.  Many a night they kept me company - either here or at the river while I worked out.  I was glad when Olivia starting showing up with Oliver.  I was beginning to worry about the little bastard, and it was nice to see he had found a mate.

“Shouldn’t you two be out hunting for squirrels or torturing crows or something?”  I asked them.

They blinked at me silently, the slight breeze blowing the edges of their feathers lightly.  Oliver puffed up, his white wings raising slightly behind him as he began his usual nightly song.  It was a deep cooing sound, the who-who-whoing at the end always louder than the beginning.  I loved it and when Olivia joined in with him, I smiled.

“You two should have your own Broadway musical or something.”  I inhaled deeply, the thick smoke doing its job of relaxing me.  I looked out at the trees swaying in the wind above me.  I loved it here - this clubhouse, my brothers.  I had even grown to love Grace and the work I did with her.  But damn, if it wasn’t a hard existence.  

Sometimes, I wondered where I would be if I hadn’t killed that guy in the ring.  If I had just stayed on the path I had so methodically laid out for myself when I was younger.  If I would have found a wife, had a family, a dog or two.  

I sighed, letting all the frustrations slide away into the night.  I was here now.  No sense in wasting time wondering ‘what if’.  I had to accept my life as it was now, and all the twists and turns along the way that led me here.  

They say all that stuff only serves to make you stronger, but seems to me it’s only made me tired and weary and skeptical about life in general.  And if I weren’t any of those things, then maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a dick for letting my thoughts about Lacey progress to anything except wanting to help her.  But I did.  I felt like the biggest asshole in the world.

All these fantasies that I couldn’t shake, of wanting to kiss her again, to touch her, to press her naked skin against me and show her how a real man makes love, with nothing but his woman’s pleasure on his mind…she didn’t need those things from me, I knew that, but damn if I didn’t want to give them to her anyway.  

She needed a friend.   Not another fucking asshole to want her for just her body.

Lost in thought, I didn’t hear the door open behind me. Oliver and Olivia didn’t seem to feel the need to warn me, either, so when I felt a soft hand on my shoulder, I jumped ten feet in the air.

“I’m so sorry!” I turned to see Lacey’s eyes, the eyes that had been haunting me all fucking night, staring at me.  

“That’s cool, that’s cool,” I said, trying to brush it off and regain some sense of composure.  “I just didn’t hear you.”

“I couldn’t sleep,” she said.

“Me, either.  Here have a seat,” I said, sitting back down on the porch steps.

She sat down slowly, her gaze turning to the owls. 

“They’re back,” she said.  

“Yeah, I guess they don’t have anything better to do than hang out with a bunch of derelicts.”

“Maybe they like you,” she said.

I scoffed.  

“Maybe.  And maybe they’re crazy.”

“I like you.”  She said it so quietly, I almost didn’t hear her.  My heart skipped a beat, and I remembered what I had just been thinking about.