Slow Sex: The Path to Fulfilling and Sustainable Sexuality (5 page)

Relaxation and awareness actually go hand in hand, because you have to become more aware of your physical body in order to release any tension, clenching, tightness, or holding. Awareness, therefore, precedes relaxation, and relaxation in turn deepens the awareness. When you consciously relax you will usually feel an inner wave of vitality, light, or aliveness expanding through the body. The delight of these inner sensations in turn engages the awareness, enabling you to fall into even deeper relaxation.

Once we find our way into the intangible present through awareness, we develop the qualities and radiance of true “presence.” Awareness is the capacity to be alert to what
is
. It’s the ability to be in touch with what is happening inside you and around you this very moment. When we build awareness into our sexual expression, it is the most powerful metabolic force.

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU DO BUT HOW YOU DO IT

As we explore further we will discover that it is well-nigh impossible to make rules about how to be slow. Creating a shift in our sexual experience is definitely not about following a set of rules; it’s more of an inquiry. It’s an ongoing effort to feel yourself and be self-observant during sex. It is examining not only what you are doing, but more importantly, how you are doing it. We simply do whatever we do as consciously as possible, with all the alertness we can muster in any given moment.

We usually say in our workshops that when you are making love, everything and anything goes, because it’s not what you do, but how you do it. Any act done with awareness is changed by that awareness itself, so the “what” can be transformed through the “how.” In this way being slow can never be a special sexual technique. It is not something you can do as such, because slowness is actually an outcome or by-product of what happens when an action is carried out with awareness.

You may already have discovered how difficult it is to
do
slow, especially when accustomed to a faster approach. Most of us have had the experience of driving along in a car, totally engaged in the movement and momentum, when all of a sudden a road sign saying “Slow” or “Stop” appears. At such a point, being forced to go slowly is a disturbance that can lead to irritation and frustration. Imagine, then, during sex when you are in full swing and then unexpectedly you remember the suggestion to go slow. Or you have it fixed in your mind that you have to be slow because you have been instructed to be slow. With this kind of rule-oriented attitude, the exploration of slowness will be tedious, not easy. In fact being slow will probably be the last thing you feel like doing when in the throes of a sexual encounter. The mind likes to do things right and stick with the rules, but this lack of flexibility closes the door to exploration. An inquiry requires curiosity, alertness, and a willingness to step into the unknown.

BEING CONSCIOUS INSTEAD OF MECHANICAL

The bottom-line truth is that most of the time we humans are not fully present in, or aware in, our beautifully sensitive fleshy bodies. We are not really connected to them on an inner level. We habitually use them in mechanical ways and do not really pay attention during most of our activities, except when physical pain is experienced. We remember the spine when we unexpectedly have a backache or the knee only when it hurts every time we bend it. Over time, especially as our bodies begin to show signs of wear and tear, our associations with the body can become negative and draining, not positive, nourishing, and uplifting.

Seldom do we focus ourselves sufficiently to consciously experience the actual “how” of what we are doing. Because we do the same things again and again, there is a mechanization in the way we conduct our daily activities—walk, sit, stand, lie down, drive, cook, clean, shower, shave, shampoo, or whatever. We don’t use our awareness. How are you sitting right now, as you are reading, for instance? Where is your body and how is your spine, your head, your neck? Collapsed forward or in one connected line? Shoulders up or down? Jaw clenched or relaxed? Breathing? When did you last consciously feel your breath? Are you holding your breath or is it shallow? Enjoy a deep breath right now!

As we get busy dealing with the demands of the day, our focus is, for the most part, outside of the body. Our attention is on achievement, getting something done, but not on the physical process involved in getting there. We lack a certain presence in all of our activities, including, of course, sex. We all have personal goals and doggedly set off each time in a mechanical, driven way in an attempt to reach a pleasing end. And as mentioned before, satisfying our immediate desires causes us to be absent, marginally present to the moment, ourselves, the other.

USE AWARENESS TO REMAIN IN THE NOW

As your level of awareness grows, everything becomes slower and more deliberate, creating an opportunity to feel and follow the wisdom and intelligence residing within the human body. A change in sexual experience becomes possible with the insight that the goal or habit of orgasm acts as a temptation in the future (see previous chapter), seducing us away from an awareness of the simple, authentic here and now.

Imagine for a moment that you have been used to spinning happily along in an automatic car and then unexpectedly you have to adjust to a less familiar manual shift. With a manual shift, gears are changed by hand in a more sequenced step-by-step way, coordinating with the clutch and engine speed. More awareness is needed, naturally, especially in the beginning when it is quite easy to stall the car. You are required to pay attention to the engine, tune in to its sounds, listen to the engine revolutions until they reach the right pitch, then do some speedy fancy footwork to release the gas, press the clutch, shift the gear with your hand, then release the clutch, and reapply pressure to the accelerator, all in one flowing move. These shifts are repeated again and again depending on traffic density or the road’s curves, shifting gears down and up again. At first this kind of deliberate driving is bound to feel awkward and unfamiliar, and to get it right takes practice, but before long it becomes an integral part of driving. Eventually the moves will flow smoothly, but maintaining attention to the sound of the engine is an ongoing process.

We can change our patterns of lovemaking in much the same way. Instead of accelerating immediately to top gear, we can consciously cause a change in the course of events by choosing to become more aware of each shift in the situation. And the transition begins with
not
running after something, which makes it simpler. We do not fast-forward directly toward orgasm. Deliberately and with intention we stay here, remaining present. We already have some kind of awareness of the components required to pull an orgasm together, so to create the opposite and not dash forward must be an option as well. When we withdraw from fantasy or stimulation or anything that puts pressure on or inflames the situation, we forestall the urge that so easily becomes a compulsion. We no longer feel forced to give in to the pressing urgency to climax and release.

Open Eyes Increase Awareness

Our eyes are tools that put us in direct contact with our immediate surroundings in the present. Often sex takes place with closed eyes and in the dark, and usually sexual fantasy involves closed eyes, but during slow sex you can begin to experiment with keeping them open and receptive. You can begin to make a practice of receiving with your eyes when you are looking at nature, imagining that nature is looking back at you. You reverse the perspective of vision. You are not looking out, but are being looked into by the other. This can be done with a tree, a flower, a bird, a beautiful sunset, the moon, stars, snowcapped peaks, a waterfall, the sunrise, or any lovely creation of nature, including another human being. The eyes can just be open, receiving, and inviting. (See the soft vision exercise at the end of this chapter.)

With the eyes open, staying in awareness, we naturally slow down to the extent that the usual triggers for climax are minimized. Sounds like contrary sexual advice, doesn’t it? Usually the recommendation would be to maximize whatever brings us to a peak, but here we are placing attention on a critical point. We want to gently simmer and not boil over. We are monitoring ourselves—noticing what we are doing and how we are doing it—by engaging our awareness.

ENERGY FOLLOWS ATTENTION

Direct your awareness to your own body during lovemaking. You take the focus away from your partner’s body and direct it inwardly toward yourself. As you relax and remain present to what is, you become better able to actually feel what is happening in your own body. Instead of attention being focused on orgasm or the other, you have the opportunity and space to turn inward and connect to your inner world at the outset.

The physical body ought to be given primary place in your field of awareness. When you focus on being rather than on doing, you can now bring attention, using your inner eye, to a flesh and bone level. And here you uncover new realms, a cosmos of cellular aliveness and vitality that is the domain of the invisible inner body. Uniting with the inner world makes a world of difference to your experience of sex, because you enter the domain of your awe-inspiring senses.

Allowing your awareness to penetrate the body tissues brings you alive to your embodied self. Love is made with and between bodies, and the body acts as an anchor to the present—a simple bridge to the inner qualities of sensitivity, being, and love.

Shifting focus from outer stimuli to the sensitivity of the inner body requires some practice, which means it may take time to get the knack of feeling yourself from another perspective. It’s no big deal, really; instead of the more familiar “up and out,” where the attention is focused outside yourself, you draw back and pull your attention into your own body. Simple. Your attention becomes free to move inward, and you will observe that if you put your attention on any pleasing inner experience, that sensitivity, energy, vitality, aliveness, chi, prana, or life force (call it what you will) actually increases. That’s the power of awareness. Any sensations of streaming, tingling, vibrating, or warmth, for instance, will respond to the awareness and amplify, expanding deliciously into other parts of the body.

In
The Slow Down Diet
I found confirmation of this thrilling inner phenomenon:

In the yoga tradition there’s a saying that has helped practitioners reach for greater levels of mastery in working with the body: “Where attention goes, energy flows.” Decades of research in biofeedback have certainly proved this axiom, for when we focus on most any area of the body we can increase blood flow, alter bioelectric potential, and influence the secretion of numerous biochemicals. (
The Slow Down Diet
)

In other words, all these physiological responses to awareness create pleasurable, engaging, sensitive subtle sensations within the body. These experiences are touching and fulfilling; they make you feel better about yourself, improving your sense of self-worth and dignity. With awareness you can set out on a journey into the abundant delights and thrills of relaxation. As you become more aware, you relax more. And the more you relax, the more your awareness increases. With more awareness, relaxation can deepen even further. And so it goes, ad infinitum. The forces of the universal metabolic enhancers complement and weave together in a magical, mysterious, consciousness-enhancing way.

COME HOME TO YOURSELF

The fundamental step to developing awareness is to come back to yourself. In order to shift your attention “in and down,” rather than “up and out,” begin by making the effort of being more aware of your body, noticing how it feels and where it feels. As suggested earlier, sometimes it’s easier to become more aware of tensions if you first tighten and deliberately exaggerate the level of tension. Contract and tighten your upper body for a few seconds, and then suddenly let go in one instant, releasing and relaxing all the muscles of the shoulders, jaw, belly, arms, and hands. Your body will take a beautifully deep breath and you will easily be able to feel the subtle pleasure and delight of relaxation course though your body in waves. In the same way, you can consciously (not mechanically) contract and relax the pelvic floor to increase your inner awareness and enhance the vitality of the area. If you wish you can contract on an in-breath to the count of four or five, and then relax on the out-breath to the same number of counts.

Returning to your body requires that you invert your attention on yourself. If you continue to scan your body throughout the day, making it a daily practice to do everything with as much physical awareness and relaxation as you can manage, you will become immersed in your body and develop a natural sensual grace and slowness.

Remember to honor yourself first; your inner connection to your own body is more significant than any connection to your partner’s body. It may sound confusing to hear that you and your body are the priority, and not your partner, but this rerouting of attention will help both of you to be alive to yourselves right from the outset. Focusing too much on the other person would be like leaving home, abandoning your own fire tending, and instead going to ignite somebody else’s fire to warm that person’s house.

When you honor yourself first, you stoke your own fire. You don’t depend on someone else to do it for you, and neither does your partner. The two individual fires join, they augment and enhance each other, and fueled by awareness, flames rise in splendid unison.

When our attention is split, partly on the other and partly on ourselves, we disempower ourselves by reducing our sexual potential. The simple act of attending to two or more stimuli at once can dramatically decrease the sexual metabolism. In sex there is a need to focus on yourself first and foremost to boost the fire of your own sexual metabolism.

Exercise: Going In and Down to Find Home in the Body