Six Crime Stories (20 page)

*****

"
It
'
s so God will take us back
,
"
said Adam when he was done playing dumb and trying to change the subject.
"
Back to Eden.
"

I stared at him and shook my head
,
amazed at his unflagging stupidity. Or maybe naiveté would be a better word.
"
He
'
ll never take us back
,
Adam
,
"
I told him.
"
He made it pretty clear.
"

Adam
'
s eyes flashed with anger and blame. I was the one who
'
d gotten us into this
,
he must have been thinking; how dare I try to ruin what little hope he had left?
"
Maybe He was only trying to teach us a lesson
,
"
he said.
"
Maybe He
'
ll see how much I love Him and how sorry I am
,
and He
'
ll let us back in.
"

I noticed he hadn
'
t said
"
how much
we
love him
"
or
"
how sorry
we
are
,
"
but I couldn
'
t fault him for that. It would have been a lie to include me.
"
We
'
ve been out here for eighteen winters
,
"
I said.
"
That
'
s a pretty long lesson
,
Adam.
"

He glared at me
,
clenching his fists at his sides. I had seen that expression often since the Eden debacle; he had never hit me
,
but every time I saw that look
,
I was certain he wanted to.
"
Maybe if you
'
d even
try
to learn it
,
we could return
,
"
he said coldly.
"
Maybe if you
'
d make the
slightest
effort to earn His forgiveness.
"

"
Like teaching our boys to kill?
"
I snapped.
"
Is that the kind of effort that will get us back to paradise?
"

"
It was no worse than killing a goat for supper!
"
shouted Adam.
"
Not once did I give them the idea it was right to kill another man!
"

"
I guess they just figured it out for themselves
,
"
I said.

Adam kicked the dirt and released an incoherent roar of rage and frustration.
"
You don
'
t understand!
"
he said.
"
Sacrifice is not about killing! It
'
s meant to show God how much we love Him by giving up something we worked hard for! Something we need!
"

"
How long have you been doing this?
"
I said
,
lowering my voice the way I do when I
'
m so angry I could burst.

All of a sudden
,
he looked sheepish.
"
Since we left Eden
,
"
he said
,
not so furious anymore.

I nodded
,
holding his gaze
,
making him squirm. He deserved it.
"
So
,
for all this time
,
you
'
ve been going off behind my back
,
"
I said.
"
Killing goats and sheep and who knows what else...taking food from your family
'
s mouths...because according to your demented mind
,
this will somehow get us back to Eden.
"

"
If I had told you
,
"
he growled
,
"
you would have tried to stop me.
"

"
As if that wasn
'
t bad enough
,
"
I said
,
"
you taught our
children
to do it! Taught them to kill for no good reason!
"

"
I did it for
all
of us! I wanted the boys to grow up in Eden!
"

"
And now look where it
'
s gotten us
,
"
I hissed.
"
One son dead. The other missing. Maybe dead
,
too. Nice job
,
Adam.
"

His eyes flared
,
and for a moment
,
I thought the rage was going to resurface. I wondered if it could be strong enough to make him kill...if it had already made him kill.

Then
,
the fire died in his eyes
,
and he hung his head.
"
I won
'
t apologize for paying tribute to God
,
"
he said
,
"
but I
'
m sorry I never told you. I should have told you.
"

It wasn
'
t enough to smooth things over
,
not by a long shot.
"
What else have you been doing behind my back?
"
I said.
"
How can I ever trust a word that comes out of your mouth? How can I ever forgive you?
"

"
How?
"
said Adam
,
looking up at me with a gaze of icy clarity
,
a gaze that cut right through me.
"
The same way I forgave you for what happened in Eden.
"

I was shaken
,
but not about to give him the satisfaction of knowing it.
"
You
'
ve never forgiven me
,
"
I said bitterly.
"
I know you. I see it in your eyes.
"

"
What you see in my eyes
,
"
said Adam
,
"
is disappointment. Because you
'
ll deny it until the day you die
,
but you
'
re the one who blames
me
for Eden. For not protecting you. For not fighting harder for you.
"

I just stared at him as he spoke
,
incredulous.

"
And for that
,
Eve
,
"
he said quietly
,
"
for that
,
I do apologize.
"

With that
,
he shrugged and walked away
,
leaving me to fume...and think about what he
'
d said.

Now
,
listen: I don
'
t give him much credit sometimes
,
because he doesn
'
t often deserve it
,
but once in a while
,
he has a way of cutting through the crap and laying something out there that I didn
'
t even see.

And this
,
though I
'
d never admit it to his face
,
was one of those times.

*****

The next morning
,
we packed some provisions in a goatskin bag and set out on a journey to search for Cain. Adam and I agreed that no matter what the outcome might be
,
we had to find out what had happened to our son.

Five days had passed since we had last seen him. He certainly wasn
'
t anywhere near our camp; between drinking bouts over the last day or two
,
Adam had wandered all around our home
,
calling Cain
'
s name in case he was alive and poking at bushes and patches of high weeds in case he was dead. There was no sign of him.

If he wasn
'
t nearby
,
he could be anywhere...but Adam and I got the idea that if he was alive
,
he might be at one place in particular: our old home
,
where we
'
d lived with Cain before Abel was born.

After I
'
d had Abel
,
I
'
d convinced Adam we should move
,
because
,
frankly
,
it was too close to Eden
,
and who wants to be reminded of that disaster every day of their lives? Cain never forgot the place
,
though; he called it
"
Nod
"
(it might have started with
"
no
,
"
which he screamed repeatedly when we dragged him away from there) and he talked about it his whole life the way Adam obsessed over the Garden. Maybe he remembered it as being so perfect because he was an only child there and didn
'
t have any competition for our love...but I can
'
t say for sure. Despite how things turned out with Abel in the end
,
despite the fact that Cain was mostly a big grouch
,
he never seemed to hate his brother. They fought like brothers do
,
but no worse than most I
'
ve seen in the years since.

Nod was over a day
'
s walk from our current camp
,
so we left as soon as the sun came up. In spite of the distance
,
it wouldn
'
t be a difficult walk in terms of terrain; nevertheless
,
I wasn
'
t looking forward to it.

I had no idea what the trip would bring. Would we stumble upon our elder son
'
s corpse...or would we find him alive
,
only to learn definitively that he was a murderer? And if he was
,
what then? Could I bear to punish my only remaining child? And did he even deserve to be punished? There were no laws in the world back then
,
other than
"
Don
'
t eat the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge in Eden
"
; the thought of what Cain might have done filled me with rage and the desire for retribution...but would it really merit punishment? And if it did
,
what should the nature of the punishment be? The only serious punishment we had experienced was exile; perhaps
,
by leaving home
,
Cain had already punished himself.

Unless
,
of course
,
Adam had killed Abel
,
and the reason Cain was gone was that Adam had killed him
,
too. In which case
,
this trip could turn out to be dangerous for me personally.

To be honest
,
I didn
'
t really think Adam was the killer...but I had to stay on guard
,
given what I
'
d just found out about his years of secret sacrifices. If he could cut open one animal after another in a delusional frame of mind
,
and do it behind my back
,
I had to consider the possibility that he was capable of sacrificing not only his own boys
,
but his wife.

Which was why
,
under my knee-length goatskin
,
I wore a sharpened flint dagger tied with sheep-gut cord to my upper leg.