Sinfully (6 page)

I was curious how it would feel to write another ‘adult book’ but make it mainly fictional next time.  I could write the characters to have their own quirks with some major plot twists that would grab the reader’s attention.  Since I used Tracy Lowe as my pen name for children's literature, I could still write under Reece Edwards for any new ‘smut’ books that I wanted to publish.  The more I thought about it, the better it sounded.  I liked the idea of creating my own path for my characters instead of one that had already been laid out.

After laundry was completed, I grabbed my glass of wine, my laptop, and my mail and settled down into my comfy recliner.  I wasn’t too fond of using my trust fund for anything but major purchases like my house and car, so I when I got my first decent size check from
My Lips Are Sealed
, I splurged and bought a chaise lounge and a comfy recliner so that I had a place to read and a place to write.

If I was writing, I would also be drinking.  A little alcohol allowed me to be more creative and open-minded to different scenarios that played out in my head.  I opened up my mail while I was waiting for my laptop to turn on and skipped the bills to see if I had anything worth looking at. 

Shit. Really?

I held yet another letter that had the power to make my heart skip a beat and check to make sure the doors were locked.  There was never a return address or postage on them which led me to believe it was purposely placed by hand in my mail box.  The first letter was sent to me a month or so before and it simply stated, “I know who you are.”  I took it as a joke but saved the note in my filing cabinet just in case. 

Something about it gave me the creeps but it seemed harmless.  The envelope that was in my hands had the same wax seal that the first one had.  No one used wax seals anymore!  That alone creeped me the fuck out.  The wax was a deep red shade and the seal was a simple but elegant
R
.  Without even opening the note, I was freaking out a tad bit.  Not many people knew where I lived and I made a point to not bring guys over. 

I broke the seal and carefully pulled the letter out of the envelope.  A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup wrapper fell out along with it.

Sweet like candy.  Be careful not to overindulge.

I dropped the letter along with the candy wrapper as if it was on fire.  They knew who I was and knew where I lived.  I expected a few people to find out randomly; I probably wasn’t the best at covering my tracks, but I thought it would be innocent fans who I could give a paperback to and they’d be on their way.  This seemed more dark and twisted.  I felt like I should burn the letter but decided it was best to file it away with the first one.  At least if I wound up dead in some alley, the police may find them and figure out who the sick person was. 

Needless to say, writing was not going to happen after that incident.  I checked all the windows and locks before setting my security alarm and curled up with a blanket and watched
Vampire Diaries
.  I found myself able to think about the problems on the show instead of my real life problem.  I could deal with it another day; I needed time to process what the hell was happening and didn’t like the conclusions I was coming up with so far.

Ryder

Seeing Payton in her short shorts and tank top almost made me drop the weights I had in my hands.  I wanted to see her again but didn’t want to look desperate.  I decided to work my arms since it would be the most noticeable immediately afterward.  My arms always looked their best right after a workout and I made a habit of doing a little arm work before dates.  It was a trick I learned in high school and had just become routine for me.

I know I was trying to impress Payton and wasn’t even sure she would be at the gym.  I also knew that I needed to meet with an old friend at some point while in town but wasn’t ready for that yet.  In the meantime, I thought I could at least see where things go with Payton, hence why I was at the gym two days in a row while out of town.

God she was beautiful.

I tried to focus on my ab work while knowing she was behind me.  The wall in front of me was all mirrors so I knew the instant she got on the machine behind me.  I was curious why she didn’t come up to talk to me but I would be able to eye-fuck her as I worked out.  Seeing her legs in short shorts never got old and her motivation and dedication was clear when you looked into her eyes. 

After my night with the bartender, I knew getting Payton out of my system was not going to be an easy task, so I came to the conclusion that I should give in a bit and have some fun with her.

The dark circles under her eyes made it apparent she had been up pretty late.  With the texting that occurred last night, I had my doubts that she spent a great amount of time with Ryan.  I know I turned her down last night but I was conflicted. 

Just seeing her tits squeezed into that hot pink sports bra made me want to take her on the bench in front of everyone.  I was in a constant state of arousal around her.

I had planned on teasing her a bit and apologizing for last night, but when she started talking about other guys, I lost it.  While Sophia had amazing tongue and hip skills, she wasn’t doing it for me and I kept picturing myself with Payton.  I was finally able to get off when I started picturing Payton being the one riding me instead.  Then I instantly felt guilty for using her and rejecting Payton’s offer.

Payton obviously had the same idea as me.  I couldn’t help but wonder if her flirting with me was just part of her normal personality or if she was at least attracted to me. 

I didn’t want to hear anymore of how amazing her night was and had to get out of there.  I wanted to hang out with her more but didn’t know how to get past the jealous feelings I had going on, which by the way, I had no idea where they were coming from.  The whole reason I went to the gym today was to get to see her again and I ended up leaving after thirty minutes.

Fuck.

I made the decision to give Tristen a call.  I know I should have talked to him months ago, but I just wasn’t there yet.  He probably hated me, but the longer I dragged things on, the further apart I knew we would grow. 

I went back to the hotel to shower and tried to think about what I was going to say when I saw him.  We had been best friends since first grade and used to talk or hang out a few times a week.  I could only imagine the earful I was going to get when I got to the beach.

Chapter 5

Payton

I wanted to see him again.  I hated that my mind kept wandering to thoughts about him, which was not okay.  He seemed so genuine the first time we hung out and seemed to be a totally different person the day before.  Before getting him out of my system, I wanted to at least spend a little quality time with him.  After booking my room in Vegas, I decided to text him.

Me:
Meet with me?

Ryder:
 
I’m with an old friend right now, come by my hotel at 8? I’m in suite 3404. I’ll let them know to let you up.

Me:
That’ll work, see you soon

I still had three hours before meeting up with Ryder, so I decided I’d check my emails and get caught up on my life on social media.  I noticed I had an email from R. Strom about my book and would be lying if I wasn’t smiling at the thought that he was still trying to get me to sign with him.  He also didn’t seem as old and boring as I thought. 

I know it probably wasn’t the most professional email I could have replied with, but damn him, he was flirting, too.  I didn’t really intend on ever meeting with him so I decided it could be fun to mess with him a little.

Whenever I was on Facebook, I would check to see if readers had posted on my page and tried to respond to any questions or messages readers had.  I had numerous questions about when and where I would be signing next but didn’t have the heart to tell them ‘never.’  I always responded by letting them know I was working on research and didn’t have anything coming up.

 I was, however, generous on giving away copies of my books to bloggers and readers to help keep my name out there.  I gave in by sending signed paperbacks to fans who requested them.  That way, they got what they would want from a book signing, they just didn’t get to meet me.

After getting ready to meet up with Ryder, I decided to not overanalyze the situation and to live in the moment.  He’d be a welcomed distraction from the letter I received earlier.  I would be leaving for Vegas in the morning and wanted to see him before I left.  I knew it may be the last time I saw him but I wanted to at least know the feeling I felt the day before was mutual.

Ryder

Meeting with Tristen had been harder than I thought.  Seeing him brought back all the memories of Cami like it was yesterday.  God I miss her so damn much.  Not a day goes by that I don’t feel the guilt of not being able to help her.  To be honest, the first time I’d been back in the water since that day ten months ago was the previous day with Payton.  San Diego used to be our ‘go to’ spot and we could spend the entire day at the beach without even realizing it.  So much had changed, yet it still felt like nothing had at the same time.

Tristen and I met at the beach at his request.  I guess he was more comfortable being out there, but I didn’t see a board around, so I figured he hadn’t planned on going into the water.

“I forgot how much you look like her,” he said, coming up and giving me a hug before sitting in the sand.

“I heard that happens when you’re fraternal twins.”

We sat in silence for what felt like hours.
God I don’t want to do this.
  Seeing him was opening up emotions I’ve kept hidden for the better part of ten months and I wasn’t ready for them to all come spilling out at that moment.

“I miss you, bro.  I know it’s been rough for you and I’m glad you finally made it down here, man.”  Tristen had gone to college with Cami and me, but he moved to San Diego two years before and roomed with Cami while I stayed in L.A. with the publishing company.

They had tried to persuade me to move down there with them, but I knew my life was set up to be in publishing and to take over the company one day.  I was able to visit at least once a month and they visited me as well.  It all worked out pretty well until last July when everything changed.

“Have you been out in the water lately?”

“Nah, man, lately I’ve just been coming down here when I need to get away from everyone else.  I come here when I need advice or need to get something off my chest.  This is where I feel closest to her. I haven’t surfed again, though.  I really just come down and put my legs in and lie on the beach.”

I could tell he spent a lot of time down there.  Besides his shaggy, beach-blond hair, he had a deep tan that stood in stark contrast to his light green eyes.  He wasn’t a pretty boy, but he definitely got attention from women, even though he hardly ever reciprocated.

I swallowed the lump in my throat before attempting to respond.  He seemed to realize it was going to take me a minute and waited patiently.  Cami always loved how patient and relaxed Tristen was.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to see you sooner, man.  I’ve thought about you and how hard this must be for you, too.  I mean, you lived with her and were as close as friends could be.  I got in the car to come see you a few times but never made it out of the city.”

I forgot how easy it was to talk with him.  He had that personality that got you to spill your guts without even realizing it.  I used to hate him for that very thing but was finding it comforting at the time.  I hadn’t talked to anyone about Cami in a while and it was nice to know he had amazing memories of her just like I did. 

He seemed lost in thought, trying to figure out the right thing to say.  The silence between us allowed us both to reflect on how things used to be when we were all together.

“Ryder, jeez, why did it have to be her?  She was perfect.  She was one of the good ones.  She was going to be a child psychologist; she wanted to help people.  She was my everything.”  His head hung between his legs and I knew he was crying but didn’t want to publicize it. 

“I know, I’ve told myself the same thing.  She seemed so happy, I mean, even more than normal right before it happened. You know?”

Tristen lifted his head and looked at me as if I shouldn’t have known that about her.  It took me for a loop and I was a little confused.

“Did she ever talk about…us?”

“She was always talking about what the two of you were doing. You were inseparable, so of course she talked about you guys together.”  I still wasn’t sure why he had a torn look on his face.

“Ryder, I meant, did she ever mention
us
?”  It took me a second to register what he had been trying to tell me.  I was such a bad friend and brother. How did I not know they were in a relationship?  The signs were there but I never put two and two together.

I realized I still hadn’t responded and saw sadness and guilt wash over his face.  “She hadn’t formally mentioned it, no.  I didn’t realize, Trist. I am so, so sorry, bro.  I should have been there for you through this. We could have dealt with it together.”

He seemed relieved for a moment then broke down again.  In all the years I’d known him, I had never seen him cry like that.  I was at a loss for words and didn’t do the best in situations like that.  I never knew the right thing to say or do.  It was part of the reason I had been dealing with the loss alone.

“I am glad you came down here.  I’ve wanted to talk with you for a while but never knew when it would be okay to talk about her with you.”

“Tristen, you can always talk to me about her.  She will
always
be a part of us and will always be watching down on us.  I promise to be here for you from now on.”