Silver (35 page)

       
Kate was quick to reply.

“
Please Mrs. Fearncott but Miss Greenwood and Miss Silver have grown so close, I think Miss Greenwood feels the loss more strongly for my mistress.”

       
Georgina looked incredulously at her but the lie evidently was believable enough.

“
Then, I suggest you go and help Miss Silver with her packing. Helen has almost finished mine and Peter has the carriage ready. The next train leaves in an hour so we must leave soon. Elizabeth, you will stay here at Juniper Hall until you are sent for. I think in the circumstances that your father will understand.”

       
Elizabeth was dizzy from the lack of food and, along with the release of her emotions, her energy had dwindled so that she could barely walk up the stairs. Kate, escorted her to her room and sat down beside her holding her hand. Elizabeth was unaccustomed by the kindness and she felt quite overcome. She felt raw and, afraid at being left alone, she asked quietly.

“Will you stay with me?”

        Kate paused to think for only a moment and then simply said, “Yes.”

       
When Avery left for the station less than twenty minutes later, he seemed only to half hear what Kate was telling him when she said that she was to stay. He was distracted of course and he simply nodded as he was shepherded to the carriage. And then, he and Georgina were both gone.

~o~

It was upon Avery’s return to
Amersham several weeks later, that Elizabeth noticed the first real change in him. The absence had made his features less familiar and as she watched him step down from the cab, she could see, at once, that his face was leaner and his jaw more angular. His eyes were dark, suggesting he had not been sleeping well. The change was an improvement and only enhanced his masculine face. Kate has gone to town with one of the scullery maids to collect some supplies. Although she was proving to be a blessing to Elizabeth, her positive spirit and good natured way had been beginning to get on Elizabeth’s nerves and she was only too pleased to encourage her to be gone. She was therefore able to meet Avery alone. As she watched him from the window of the bright day room to the front of the house, she hurriedly arranged herself for his arrival, fussing over her dress.

“
Avery? What a surprise. You should have sent word ahead so I could have arranged for dinner. Come inside and sit down, you look dreadful.”

       
He shook his head and looked past her towards the window.

“Where is Kate? Is she here?”

        She said nothing but watched as he stood uncomfortably and paced a little at the doorway before deciding he would stay.

“I
have come to collect Kate and the rest of my belongings and to say farewell.” He glanced in her general direction and indicated towards her with a wave of the hand. “Is she here?”

       
He didn’t look directly at Elizabeth and his concern for Kate over herself made Elizabeth cross.
So he was going?
She thought. She was under no illusion that things could not simply pick up as they had left off but his admission that this were to be the end threw her current predicament into sharp relief. In the weeks that he had been gone, she had felt changes in herself she could not explain. Her breasts were swollen and tender and she felt thick headed in the morning where she normally leapt at an early start to a day. Most mornings, she had felt nauseous and she had been trying to ignore the high likelihood that she was pregnant. In less than a year, she would be wed to a man twice her age that she barely knew and had been violated by one that she had known. The only other man she held affection for was now abandoning her too. She felt an anger rise up within her, they had not spoken properly since the night when she had been raped and part of her blamed him for what happened. She had been beginning to think that if Silver had been with her, then Bateman could not have done those things to her. Silver waited for a response but where Kate’s nature was kind, Elizabeth’s was not and she took no small pleasure in replying.

“
No. She isn’t and I am glad of it. Frankly, she is a pain.”

       
He looked at her directly and for the first time since he arrived, he took a long look at her and as he did so, his eyes narrowed questioningly.

“
What is it?” she asked.

“
You look different,” he said simply.

       
Elizabeth touched her stomach instinctively.
Surely she could not be showing yet?
She thought. Kate had been tying her dresses more tightly every day.

“
Really? How?” she ventured.

       
He did not hesitate.

“
You have lost a certain charm Miss Greenwood.”

       
She agreed that it was probably as much as she deserved but the loss of his admiration hurt her pride and tears pricked at her eyes.  With that he turned his back on her and meant to leave.

“
And your clothes fit more snugly,” he added.

       
This last comment, though childish, was of course designed to hurt and brought ready tears to her eyes. Without him, Kate or, God forbid, even Aunt Georgina, Elizabeth was utterly alone. A dozen thoughts clamoured into her mind.
Could she return to London and have Agnes assist her in concealing this pregnancy? Would her father be understanding? Would Cribbs be a friend to her like Kate had been?
The wretchedness of her circumstances hollowed her of all hope and she fell into a great mess of tears. The noise arrested him and he turned to look at her again, more closely.

“
Just go!” she shouted through the tears. “Don’t look at me!”

       
He hesitated, considering whether to follow her directive, before seating himself beside her, an awkward hand upon her shoulder.

“Elizabeth?”

        She tried to shrug his hand away but the gesture was halfhearted and she was relieved when he gently pulled her to him where she could collapse into silent tears.

“‘Elizabeth?”

        As she lay her head against his chest, she heard the door open behind him and from her vantage beneath his arms she saw the now familiar face of Kate appear at the doorway. Kate looked surprised, confused and then embarrassed as she took in both Silver’s arrival but also their clinch. Albeit an innocent embrace, this time, Kate no doubt mistook it for something else entirely and, contrary to her usual devilry, it gave Elizabeth no pleasure in seeing the young maid look so grieved. Kate turned and left the room before she could pull herself up. Avery did not notice the intrusion and Elizabeth chose not to mention it.

“
Elizabeth? What on earth is the matter? Has something happened?”

       
It would have been so easy to have told him everything right then. After all, she was utterly convinced that Kate would fill him in despite her assurances of secrecy. Though Kate did not yet know Elizabeth was pregnant, she was no fool and Elizabeth didn’t know exactly how long she could keep it a secret from her. In the circumstances, Elizabeth reached for the only lifeline she had available to her, escape.

“
Oh Avery! Forgive me, I have missed you so very much and now you have come back only to leave me again.” She watched from the corner of her eyes as this registered with him. He said nothing but merely waited. “In less than a year, I am to be made little more than a slave. I know, I know,” she hastened to add as Avery made to interrupt her. “This is partly my own choosing. I know but I had thought that we could spend the rest of the year here in Amersham. I am quite sure Georgina would be agreeable.”

       
He began to shake his head and she continued to press him, almost desperately. Fear rose up within her as she considered the alternative of returning home.

“
We could have a grand Christmas here. Perhaps have a party. A dance then?” she added quickly as he began to back away from her, still shaking his head.

“
Elizabeth. It’s out of the question.”

       
His tone reminded her of her father’s and, despite her need of his alliance, she found herself petulantly arguing with him.

             
“Why not? What on earth is so important that could stop you from enjoying yourself here for a few months? Without Georgina to watch over us, we are at liberty to take our pleasures where we will Silver. Does that not sound diverting enough for you?”

       
He looked at her for a moment and, though she was afraid he might refuse at any moment, she was pleased to see some spark of interest still flashing across his face.

“
Elizabeth,” he shook his head slowly looking from her to the floor, “I cannot stay here. I cannot stay at Amersham or in England for that matter. Just look at me.” Elizabeth opened her mouth to argue but he raised his voice as he repeated. “Look at me.”

       
He had stepped back and was presenting himself to her, his arms spread low and wide as if he were about to fall backwards upon soft earth. “Look at me.”

       
Elizabeth could do nothing else and so she took him in as he had asked. He was wearing a black dress, in keeping with his father’s death. His shoulders were rounded forward to disguise the slightness of his chest. His large feet were awkwardly crammed into scruffy lace up boots barely hidden under the hem of his skirt line. And atop all of this was Avery’s perfectly masculine face. It was as though, she thought, a child had taken the body of a doll and placed the head of a tin soldier upon it. Though she had come to grow accustomed to him in this form, this fresh appraisal caused her to truly consider him once again.
He was a woman. Wasn’t he?
She thought.
A woman as ill-suited to her own body as she was growing to find her own. He wanted something more than he was born to be but did that not make him the same as many women malcontent with what chance and circumstance had bestowed upon them?

“
I cannot live this way. I cannot explain to you how it feels to wake up each morning expecting a great injustice to be set right and yet find that, when I look in the mirror, I am still trapped inside this body. There is nothing I can do that will change that but the best that I can do is to stop pretending I have a future as a woman. I would rather die than live another day like this.”

“
Don’t be so melodramatic, Silver!’  Her tongue was sharp. As she spoke, she registered a reciprocal gnaw in her stomach about a destiny that she too would prefer to avoid.  “You talk as if you have choices! What choice do you have? You are what you are and you must accept it! As I must accept my own lot in life.”

“
We all have choices Elizabeth. You have a choice whether you marry or not and you have a choice about how to enjoy it. I have no doubt that you will continue to enjoy your life as Mrs. Evesham almost as much as you have enjoyed being Miss Greenwood. I have a choice about whether to continue the charade that is my life or whether to reinvent myself. I am now a man of means and it is within my means to travel.”

       
He paused and levelled a look at her. He knew how much she wanted to travel and Elizabeth, sensing his news, wondered how he would break it to her.

“
I need to escape my past and to find my future.”

       
She laughed. It was so ridiculous a statement but she felt sure that he would achieve it and her laughter was more to hide her disappointment and rising panic that she was to be left behind. He glared at her.

“
I am leaving England.”

       
Elizabeth was still smirking. “For how long?”

“Forever.”

        He had not blinked and she realized that he was serious.

“
Forever?” Her tone was slightly shrill, as she realized that she would have no choice but to return to London and face her father.
What would happen to her?
She thought.
Could she still be married? Would her future be at stake because of the thing growing insider her?
Her eyes stung with ready tears but she refused to let them fall as she snapped at Avery.

“
If England is so terrible for you then I shan’t keep you a moment longer.” In one swift movement, she had stood and swept from the room. A moment later she was in her own bedroom, her back to the door and her heart racing fast as she realized that she would have to return home.

~o~

              When she woke the following morning, there was a moment before she remembered what had happened the previous night. When she did so, she was swept again by a dizzying feeling as she contemplated her fate. She was young and had really no idea what would happen to her if she had to face her family with a pregnancy. There was no doubting there would be horror and shock and a heavy punishment but Elizabeth could imagine more than dishonor and had begun to paint herself a bleak future as a spinster.
And worst of all
, she thought,
she would have a child
. By the time she had risen, dressed and descended for breakfast she was resigned to her fate and was determined to put on a brave face before Avery left. Avery was already seated at the head of the dining table, a newspaper folded beside him. Though he was wearing a black dress, he looked for all the world as paternal a figure as her own father. As usual the quirk of his ensemble made her confused and she had to shake her head to clear it.