Shrinking Violet (Colors #2) (8 page)

“Violet—”

“And
stop
calling me that! My name is Cassidy.
CA-SSI-DY
. Not Violet, you assh—”

I was stopped mid-rant when Carson’s lips came down on mine, and not gently, either. I was stunned stiff at the feel of his warm, soft lips working against mine, but just like he’d done with everything that night, he demanded entry into my mouth, running his tongue across the seam of my lips. They parted on a gasp and he lunged, his tongue pressing against my own insistently, as though it was begging to be matched stroke for stroke. It was impossible to resist.

He tasted like mint with just a hint of hops from the beer he drank earlier. The taste was intoxicating. When I released a breathy sigh into his mouth, it seemed to egg him on. One of his arms snaked around my waist while his other hand grabbed hold of my hair, manipulating my head until he had it just where he wanted for maximum use of my mouth.

A tingle started in my belly and slithered its way down between my thighs, igniting a flame that hadn’t been there in so long. I burned, I
ached
for him, and all he’d done was kiss me. All too quickly—and to my immediate regret—Carson pulled away, ending the kiss. We were both panting heavily. It took several seconds to come back to sanity enough to realize my hands were clutching Carson’s shirt so tight I risked tearing it.

“Wha-what the hell was that?” I asked, taking a step back now that I could once again think clearly. “You can’t just kiss me, Carson! You just had
sex
with someone else!”

My eyes went wide before narrowing into murderous slits when Carson’s hand came up and covered my mouth. The arrogant prick didn’t seem the least bit concerned.

“Enough. It was the only way I could get you to stop talking.” My look clearly stated I knew he was full of shit, and he actually had the nerve to smirk. “Look, I’m sorry you’re upset that I scared all those douchebags away,” he started. As far as an apology went, he was off to a pretty crappy start. “And yes, I regret that you saw me with that girl. It wasn’t my finest hour, and I’m not happy about that. But I’m not going to apologize for being a single man who took what was offered to him.” He took his hand from my mouth and looked straight at me, those mossy eyes glinting in the lights from the parking lot. “Can you honestly tell me you’ve never had a one-night stand before?”

No, I couldn’t tell him that. I had done a
lot
of things in the past that I wasn’t happy about. When I stayed silent, Carson took that as a sign to continue.

“If you had told me to leave you alone and meant it,
really
meant it, I would have. I’m not the type of guy to chase after something I’ve got no business having, but I heard you and Lana talking. I know you feel the same way about me that I feel about you.”

Shit!

“After I heard that, you really think there was any way I was letting some nut-sack
anywhere near you?”

“Carson—” I started, but he cut me off by stepping so close I could feel the heat radiating off his skin. It took everything in me not to lean into his touch when he reached up and cupped my cheek, running the pad of his thumb across my lower lip.

“Just hear me out, Violet,” he said emphatically. “I don’t date. I’ve never really dated in my life. But I felt something the minute I laid eyes on you. Until I met you, there’s never been anyone who held my interest long enough to consider something remotely serious. I know you feel the same way. I see it every time your cheeks turn pink or when your breath hitches when I’m around.”

There was a war waging inside of me as he leaned in closer, his lips just a breath from mine. It was like I was being torn in half—one part of me desperate to grab hold of him and never let go, the other screaming at me to run in the other direction. All I could do was stand motionless as he touched me.

“Despite what you saw back there, I’m not a bad guy, and I’m not a cheater. If you give me a chance, I’m all in. What do you say, Violet?”

I squeezed my eyes shut against the onslaught of emotion rushing over me, threatening to knock me down.

I hated myself at that moment for being so weak, for letting my past dictate the present, for being so scared of repeating past mistakes that I couldn’t allow myself the one thing I desperately wanted. “I-I can’t” I choked out.

The moment the words passed my lips, Carson’s warmth was gone. When I opened my eyes, he’d already put a few feet of distance between us. The look on his face caused a stabbing pain to shoot through my chest. Sorrow mixed with something else in his expression. Was that…resignation? I could see the disappointment in his eyes, but he also looked almost expectant, like he wasn’t surprised by me saying no.

I took two steps in his direction, wanting nothing more than to offer him some sort of comfort. “Carson, please…”

He turned and walked the rest of the way to his truck. “It’s okay, Cassidy. I get it.”

“No, you don’t,” I insisted. He couldn’t possibly. “It’s not you, I swear.” I grabbed hold of his arm once we reached his truck. “I know it sounds like a bullshit cliché, but it’s the truth. Carson, it’s me. It
really
is all me. I just…I can’t…”

“It’s okay, Cass, really.” His voice was so quiet, so understanding. I hated how defeated he looked. I’d have given anything I could in that moment to get back the self-assured Carson I’d seen just minutes before. “I understand.”

It was lame and completely selfish, but I couldn’t help but ask, “Can we be friends? I’d really love to be your friend, Carson.”

When he reached up and brushed a strand of hair from my face, tucking it behind my ear, I wanted to cry. “I’d love that, sweetheart.”

The sad smile he offered me didn’t come close to reaching his eyes. He sounded genuine, but his pain was evident.

Before I could utter another word, he unlocked the passenger door and held it open for me. “Let’s get you home, yeah? It’s pretty late.”

I gave him my own pathetic facsimile of a smile as I climbed into the truck. My chest ached the entire way home. Neither of us spoke another word. I spent the entire drive staring out the window into the darkness, wishing I was someone else, someone stronger, someone whose past wasn’t built on the foundation of hurting others, someone who wasn’t weak and ashamed

Someone who deserved a man as good as Carson Langford.

She shot me down.

Not that I was surprised or anything, really. I’d had a lifetime to get used to being unwanted. But that didn’t take any of the sting out of Cassidy’s rejection. Neither of us spoke a word as I drove her home, and the longer the silence remained, the stronger my anger and resentment grew. Not toward Cassidy, but at the miserable, lonely life I’d been forced to live for the past twenty years. Being raised in the foster system led to a long string of disappointments and letdowns. My own parents didn’t love me enough to keep me, and that had set the pace for the rest of my life. I had Navie and a small handful of friends, but other than that, no one else wanted me.

Cassidy’s rejection was just another glaring reminder that I wasn’t good enough. By the time I got home from dropping her off, bitterness had taken over, rooting itself deep within me. I stalked to the kitchen, going straight for the bottle of tequila I kept stashed above my fridge where Navie couldn’t reach it. Twisting the cap off, I put the bottle to my lips and drank as my insides continued to roll furiously. Disappointment turned into pain. Pain morphed into anger. But beneath it all, deep in the recesses, was a sorrow so strong I feared I would choke on it.

Why wasn’t I good enough?

What was so wrong with me that no one wanted me?

I knew better, I really did. I learned years before to never put myself out there. If I didn’t open myself up, I didn’t run the risk of being rejected. But there was just something about Cassidy that clawed at me unrelentingly. I knew it was ridiculous to crave someone I hardly knew the way I craved her, but I had no control over it. She called to me in a way no one else ever had. I’d resigned myself to coveting her from a distance; however, when I heard her and her friend talking earlier about her attraction to me, something sprouted in me I thought to have been long gone.

Hope
.

God, how I hated hope.

It showed up just long enough to lull you into a false sense of comfort, enveloping you in its soothing embrace before shoving you away, laughing in your face as it disappeared, leaving you shattered once again.

The tequila bottle in my hand went hurtling across the kitchen, barreling into the wall with a satisfying crash. I’d given no thought to throwing the bottle until Navie’s quiet voice sounded behind me.

“Carson? What’s going on?”

Shit
. In my melodramatic rage, I’d completely forgotten she was there, asleep in her room.

I hadn’t even realized how hard I was breathing until I went to answer her. “Nothing, little bit. Just go back to bed.”

Her dark blue eyes scanned from me to the broken glass on the floor. “Are you…have you been drinking?”

I hated the unease in her voice. I hated myself even more for being the one who put it there. A man in one of the foster houses we’d shared had been a raving drunk who liked to use his fists on those smaller and defenseless. I did everything in my power to take his attention off Navie when he was looking for someone other than his pathetic, doormat of a wife to beat on, constantly putting myself in the path of his fists for her.

I had always been big for my age. I had no doubt that I could have won if I’d chosen to fight back, but that was a risk I wasn’t willing to take. Fighting back would have no doubt gotten me removed from that house, leaving Navie with no protection whatsoever. So I took beating after beating, swearing the entire time that I would never grow to be like
him
. I wouldn’t drink to the point of excess. I wouldn’t use alcohol as an excuse for my actions. To be honest, I hardly ever touched the stuff. And I
certainly
never drank in front of Navie.

Having her walk into the kitchen just moments after smashing the liquor bottle into the wall was the perfect capper on a tremendously shitty night.

“I only had one drink. I’m sorry, sweetheart; I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to bed.”

“But…y-you don’t drink…”

I ran my hands through my hair in agitation as the anxiety in Navie’s voice caused my heart to splinter. The last person on the face of the Earth I ever wanted to let down was my little bit.

“It was just one drink, Nav, I swear.”

Wringing her tiny hands in front of her, she slowly approached the mess on the kitchen floor. She studied the broken glass and spilled liquor before turning back to me, eyes shining with concern. “What happened?”

“Nothing, you need to worry about, little bit.”

Her concern melted away quick as a flash, replaced with a look that screamed
who are you trying to fool here, asshole
? Arms crossed over her chest, one hip popped out, her stance just dared me to tell another lie.

“Want to try that again? This time with less bullshit.”

“You know,” I huffed. “It just sounds wrong when you cuss. You look like a little Disney princess, for Christ’s sake.”

“And I fart rainbows and unicorns, too,” Navie deadpanned. “Now, tell me what had you going all ‘Hulk smash’ in the middle of the night.”

A pent-up sigh whooshed from deep within my chest. “It’s Cassidy.”

“Cassidy? Wait…the girl at the ranch?”

It was in that very moment that I regretted my decision to tell Navie about my growing ‘crush’
on Cassidy Ashworth.

“Jesus,” I groaned, pressing my fingers to my forehead and closing my eyes against an oncoming headache. “Yes, the girl at the ranch.”

“What did she do?” My eyes popped open at the hard tone of her voice. Navie stood before me, chin lifted, shoulders straight, and fire in her eyes, like she was ready to battle anyone who dared to cross me.

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Easy there, killer. She didn’t do anything.”

“Then why are you so upset?”

“I’m not upset.”

“Bullshit.”

“Fine,” I relented in frustration. “I’m upset, but I really don’t want to talk about it right now.” Leaning over onto the counter, I propped my elbows up and rested my head in my hands. With the adrenaline from my earlier anger having dissipated, exhaustion had taken over.