Shiftr: Swipe Left for Love (Jessica) BBW Bear Shifter Menage Romance (Hope Valley BBW Dating App Romance Book 8) (4 page)

Jessica frowned at the recollection of Jay’s death. Everyone in their community and school had been deeply saddened by the tragic accident. She remembered that Christian had been strong and mature about it, but she knew that, behind his composure, he was in pieces. She’d felt so many times that she wanted to talk to him about it, and help him heal his heart, but there never was the right moment.

“Yeah. I remember how we used to bitch about our families, both wishing that we had each other’s family situation,” Jessica said. She thought it’d be best to not ask Christian anything about Jay just now. She wasn’t sure how he was feeling after all these years, and she didn’t want to reopen his wounds. Christian flashed her an indulgent smile.

“Well, the truth is that my family is quite powerful in the shifter community, and one day, I’ll be expected to take on a lot of responsibility. Something my father never lets me forget. So, as much as I wanted to go to college, I couldn’t do it. Lucas and I even had it planned out – how we’d get the scholarship – the whole thing. But at the last minute, I buckled. I couldn’t stand to disappoint my father. He lost one of his sons, and I didn’t want to make him feel as if he was losing the other, too. I went to tech college in Wynter Falls, where they teach you real practical things like land management. I enjoyed it a lot, actually.”

“Wow,” Jessica breathed. “When I think of all those long, angsty conversations we used to have. I was just bitching about feeling like the freak of the family, while you were dealing with real, serious issues. And you couldn’t discuss them with me.”

“Believe me, I wanted to,” Christian said with a wry smile. “I’d just had this whole concept of family honor drilled into me from the moment I could speak, and I couldn’t break my promise to keep the shifter thing a secret.”

“I don’t blame you,” Jessica said, weighing her empty beer glass in her hand. Catching sight of it, Christian noticed that everyone’s glasses were empty.

“Refills!” he said, getting to his feet and striding off to the bar.

“Was Christian really happy at college?” Jessica asked as soon as he was out of earshot. Lucas shrugged.

“I don’t know. I told him he could go off to school, and come back to Wynter Hollow when he was done, but he made his decision, and that was it. Duty before freedom and all that.”

“He didn’t use to be like that –” she started to say, then stopped herself. “I guess there’s a lot I didn’t know about you guys.” To her surprise, a flicker of pain showed in Lucas’ eyes.

“Jessica, please don’t think that we were keeping a lot from you. We had our big secret, yes. But everything I shared with you, all the things I confided in you, were absolutely genuine, and our friendship was real. I hope you don’t think that it was all fake, and that I was presenting a version of myself, while keeping my real self at a distance.” She stared at him, startled. Lucas has always been the more laidback and light-hearted one, and people often assumed that behind the jokey and smiley surface lay a rather shallow character, but he had depth and sensitivity, which he’d reveal from time to time to those he trusted. It was so long since a guy had spoken to her with such emotional honesty that it would take some time for her to get used to it again. His hand was resting on his knee, palm up, and she reached out and gave it a quick squeeze.

“I don’t think that you were being fake, Lucas. We spent so much time together that I’m sure I would’ve noticed. It must’ve been confusing for you as well, trying to be open, while knowing that there was this boundary you couldn’t cross.” He nodded.

“It was. Very. Thank you for being so understanding. But how do you feel about all this?”

“My mind has been whirling since the moment I laid eyes on you guys today,” she admitted. I’ll need a little time to process everything. I feel like I need to go back and think about our school days from a different point of view, and I think it’ll help to make sense of the loss I felt after you were gone.”

“Was it very hard for you?” Lucas asked, his voice low. She nodded, too full of emotion to speak.

Just then, Christian returned with beers.

“Am I interrupting anything?” he asked.

“Nope. I was just asking Jess how she feels about the whole shifter thing,” Lucas said, covering for her fast.

“And what did you say, Jess?” Christian plopped himself down next to her, closer than before, and his bare calf brushed against hers, sending a whisper of a sensation through her body. She laughed.

“Well, I hadn’t got to the point of replying yet.” She leaned forward and grabbed her beer, registering that she’d been drinking awfully fast. Her nerves were still a little heightened, she acknowledged. It was an intense situation, everything so familiar, yet so completely different from before. “But I think it’s totally cool, of course. I mean who wouldn’t want to be able to change into a big growly animal at will? I’m pretty envious.”

Both guys grinned.

“It is pretty cool,” Lucas said. “I felt like a freak back in London when I first started to experience the signs that would lead up to my first shift. But once I got used to those weird bone-crunching, skin-searing sensations, I loved it. It’s amazing to be able to run so fast, to have boundless energy, to be able to hunt.”

“Really?” Jessica said, fascinated.

“Yeah. Catching your own food is something else,” he said, a little shame-faced.

“It’s ok, I eat meat,” she said.

“I was worried you’d be disgusted by it.”

“I work with shifters for a living, remember?”

“I’m so glad that’s how we met, and we didn’t have to continue keeping it secret, or break the news to you in a really awkward way.”

“Me too,” she said with a smirk. “So, carry on telling me your life stories. What did you do after college? And what brings you to Hope Valley?” A loud group had just arrived at the table next to them, and they shuffled a little closer together to enable them to hear each other. Jessica was vaguely aware that Lucas’ knee was brushing one of her thighs and Christian’s the other. It felt so right to be physically close to them like this, but at the same time, her tummy started doing that weird flippy thing again, like she’d just swallowed a live frog, and it was getting real agitated.

“I worked in Wynter Hollow for my father, as a land manager for a few years. I didn’t enjoy it though. It’s not for me. I wound up telling him that I needed to do my own thing for a while. So now I’m retraining as a firefighter.”

“That’s what you always wanted to do, isn’t it?”

“Yup. My parents were never keen because of the danger, but I’ve always had this really strong urge to save lives.”

“That’s so cool, Christian. I know a few of the shifters who work for the volunteer fire service actually,” she said. He nodded.

“I think I’ve met them all. They’re a great bunch of guys.”

“And what have you been doing for the past years, Lucas?”

“I majored in zoology and work in conservation now,” he said with a grin. “Just like I planned.” Jessica smiled at him, so happy that he hadn’t abandoned his youthful ambitions along the way.

“And how about you Jessica? Did you go to law school after university?”

“Nope. I hated studying law. It was
so
dull. As soon as I was done with my degree, I got an internship at a tech start-up, and didn’t look back. I moved into a house share in Camden for a year, then Hackney, then Fulham. It was a lot of fun for a few years, but London life is crazy, and there are so many people, everywhere. So when Tamika invited me out here, I jumped at the chance. I love the space here. The sun. The way the sidewalks aren’t crammed with people. The way no-one bumps into you when you stop to tie your sneaker in the street.” The guys laughed.

“I’d forgotten that side of London,” Christian said. “I think I’ve been idealizing it in my memory.”

“We should all go back one day. Revisit all our old haunts. Go out to all the cool neighborhoods.”

“Visit the bars that wouldn’t let us in when we were acne-ridden teens,” Lucas said.

“Hey! Speak for yourself. My acne wasn’t that bad.”

“Just kidding,” Lucas said, glancing at her affectionately. “You always had amazing skin.” Her gaze flickered over Lucas’ smooth, burnished skin. His cheeks were undamaged by the smattering of acne that he’d suffered from when he was in his early teens. He’d been very self-conscious about it, to the point that he’d never noticed the admiring glances that the girls in class had thrown his way.

“I think we all got off pretty lightly,” she said.

“Did you ever get that tatt you were always talking about?” Christian asked. Jessica placed a finger on her lips and cast her eyes up to the ceiling.

“Which tatt was that?” They both laughed.

“Seriously? You described the design to me so many times,” Christian said. “Don’t you remember that time you dragged me to Camden on a false pretext, making out that you wanted to buy an Iron Maiden t-shirt, when you really wanted me to go to a tattoo parlor with you and pretend to be your boyfriend, because you thought I looked 18, and they wouldn’t notice that you were only 15?”

“Vaguely,” she said, her face warming with a mixture of embarrassment and pleasure at the recollection. “But what was the tattoo?” Christian shook his head.

“It was a tiger’s head, and you were going to have it right here.” He indicated his own behind. She gave a small scream.

“Oh my god. What an idiot I was! Can you imagine how that would look now?” And then she stopped speaking. Because Christian and Lucas were wearing an identical expression. If she didn’t know better, she would have described it as predatory. She blinked several times and hid her face in her beer again.
I’m mistaking it for amusement, surely.

“What happened at the tattoo parlor?” she said, speaking too fast and garbling her words.

“Somehow you convinced me to walk in with you. You could be very persuasive when it suited you. And they laughed in our faces. They said ‘come back when you’re old enough to stay out past nine o’clock, love,’” he said, imitating a London accent. Jessica gave in to gales of laughter.

“Oh no, how embarrassing!” she said, gasping for breath.

“It wasn’t my finest moment,” Christian admitted.

“How did I miss all that fun?” Lucas said.

“You were probably at band practice.” He shrugged.

“Yeah, most likely.”

“What did we do after that?” she said, trying hard to remember.

“We bought some food at a market stall, walked along the canal at Camden lock.” He trailed off. She waited for him to continue, and when he didn’t she turned her head to look him in the eye. And then she remembered. The bridge. They’d walked up onto a bridge that curved over the canal – a favorite spot for tourists to take photos of the iconic lock with all the narrowboats going through – and they’d been laughing a lot about their adventure. So much so that her whole body was weak from it and she kept falling against him. He put a steadying arm around her shoulder, she looked up at him, startled by some passing emotion. He laid his free hand on her other shoulder, dipped his head and kissed her on the lips. She’d frozen for four, five seconds before pulling away. And then it was like nothing had happened. They carried on walking along the canal, all the way to London Zoo. It had been quite soon before the boys left, and she’d somehow buried the memory in the recesses of her mind. Christian was looking at her seriously, a mixture of guilt and something else in his eyes. She broke the eye contact, but as she angled her head toward Lucas, he was looking at her too, and the expression in his eyes was unmistakable. It was the look of someone who has just had their greatest fear verified.

“I’m just going to the restroom,” she said, getting to her feet, stepping over Christian’s outstretched legs, and walking as quickly as was decent to the ladies’ washroom.

The reflection staring at her in the mirror was pale, with pink spots high on her cheeks.

“What the hell?” she said aloud.
How could I have forgotten that? And why are the guys suddenly acting like it’s a big deal? It just seemed natural. We’d shared a funny, embarrassing experience, and it was an impulsive moment of affection. Nothing more. Christian never liked me like that. Neither did Lucas. I’m going to go back out there and tell Lucas – tell him what? That Christian and I had a fleeting kiss, but it meant nothing? Like that’s going to help the situation. No, I’m going to go back out there and act like there’s nothing to be dramatic about.

She started to walk to the exit.
Errr… once I’ve actually used the bathroom.

A couple of minutes later, she was striding across the sawdust floor, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

“In case you were still wondering, I never did get that tiger’s head on my butt,” she announced, taking her seat again. The atmosphere seemed charged somehow, as if she’d just missed an important part of the conversation.

“Did you get anything else?” Lucas asked.

“Yes. About five years ago I got this really cool design right here.” She indicated a line down the side of her body, from her ribcage to her waist.

“What is it?”

“Oh, just a few of my favorite things, all mingled together. Kind of like a sleeve, but not on my arm.”