Shattered Castles 1 : Castles on the Sand (13 page)

“Oh. Okay.”

“He died when I was two. I never knew him. So, thank you. It's not like I could ever replace this.” He lifts his gaze to mine again.

I smile, partly to be kind but mostly from relief. He hasn't taken me to a dark alley to beat me up.

He relaxes, visibly.

“Hope I didn't damage it in the washing machine,” I say.

“You trying to make me feel bad?”

“No. Why?”

A few people walk past and Alex waits until they're at the far end of the hall. “I freaked you out this morning.”

“Yeah, that was not cool.”

“And you give me my jacket back, laundered, with all the stuff in the pockets. Now you're giving my lighter back and apologizing about theoretically damaging this jacket while you were washing it for me
.
Can you make me feel any worse here?”

I shrug. “I could try.”

“Go for it.”

“No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't pick on you.”

He rolls his eyes in disbelief. “That works. I feel worse. Why shouldn't you pick on me?”

“Because I don't even know you. Clearly you've got stuff going on and it's probably none of my business. I mean... you talking to me? That's hard for you, isn't it? You don't talk to other people much.”

He looks me up and down.

I feel very, very short and plain right now. I have strayed way too far out of my social niche and now not only his friends have taken notice. Everyone passing by in the hall stares at me as if I'm an alien who just beamed in.

Alex waits again until everyone's out of earshot. “I used to only talk to my mother. That way they always kept us together. Never took her, never made me stay in foster care.”

That, I have to admit, is one of the best reasons imaginable for choosing to be mute. “I am really sorry about what happened to her.”

He looks away and shrugs his shoulders uncomfortably.

“Again, none of my business,” I say.

“I think bashing a police car on Main Street kinda makes it everyone's business.”

“Well, okay, there is that.”

He smirks, and I can't help but notice how good looking he is. It's like I'm standing next to a model for jeanswear. A psycho model for jeanswear.

I push the lighter at him and he takes it. “See you around,” I say. I turn to go, but he grasps my elbow. I look up at him, stunned.

He lets go and holds up his hand apologetically. “This morning. I'm sorry, okay? I was completely out of line.”

“Yeah,” I agree. Then turn and make my escape. I can not get out of the hall fast enough.

T
hat afternoon, at work, there's another email from John.

Hi Madison,

It's okay if you're mad at me. Or maybe you're busy. I don't mean to be needy here, but I want to make sure you aren't still angry after our IMing on Friday.

I love you,

John

I click open the reply box.

Dear John,

I'm fine. Just busy. Thanks for caring.

Madison

Two hours later another email arrives from him and the subject line is “Our grandparents”.

Hi Madison,

So, Mom's parents live in St. George, which is kind of the stereotypical place to retire in Utah. They've got three other kids besides Mom: Aunt Jill, Aunt Kate, and Uncle Roy. Aunt Jill is widowed, Aunt Kate is married to Robert, and Uncle Roy just got remarried to our new Aunt Amy. It's kind of a scandal because she was with him before he filed for divorce from Aunt Heather, so no one in the family's gotten to know her real well.

We've got seventeen cousins on that side. Let me see if I can name them: Trudy, Tessa, Rachel, Heather, Miriam, Georgette, Robert, Michael, Deacon, Spencer, Joseph, Keiran, Connor, Zach, Jackson, Owen, and Christopher. Okay, I'm not gonna list all their ages and stuff because I'm sure I'd get it wrong. Mom was the oldest in her family, so Lance and Logan are the oldest of the cousins on that side.

On Dad's side, we have one aunt, Aunt Janet, and she is married to Uncle LaBob. They don't have any kids. They're inactive in the Church, live in Arizona, and I barely ever see them.

I've attached more pictures.

Love you,

John

The pictures are a lot of group photos of kids of all ages piled on a couch in some random living room somewhere. There are no captions to tell me who's who, so I just get a sense of overwhelming numbers. All my life I've been from a small family, so to learn that I'm from a big family torques my whole universe. Everyone in the pictures seems to smile all the time. They remind me of the beaming girl on the pass along card – the one who Alex decapitated with scissors.

Hi John,

Thanks. Wish I could send you something in return.

Madison

Hi Madison,

Just talk to me. That's all I want. I've wanted to be in your life for so long. Give me a chance?

Love,

John

Hi John,

I don't have much to say. I'm not very interesting.

Madison

Hi Madison,

Hey, don't say that about yourself. I know for a fact that it's not true.

Love,

John

I read this and my temper flares.

John,

You don't even
know
me, so stop saying stupid stuff like that. I'm boring. My entire social life is me being the designated driver for my best friend. I work in a library. If you look up “dull” in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of me.

Madison

A chat window pops up.

John:
Are you happy?

Madison:
Happy with what?”

John:
Life. Do you wish you did more social stuff? Went to more parties?

Madison:
No. I don't even like parties. That's how boring I am.

John:
I don't like them either.

Madison:
So you going to tell me I shouldn't go? Tell me what to do?

John:
I'm done telling you what to do. Even when I ask you to talk to me, that makes you mad. I really don't want to boss you around, at all. I want to get to know you.

Madison:
Well, now you do. There's not much more to know.

John:
You are way more interesting to me than you are to yourself. You spend every waking hour with you. I've only had a few minutes, and I think you're fascinating. Tell me all about working in the library, or watching Mom do pottery, or counting cracks in the ceiling. I really do want to know.

Madison:
Mom doesn't let anyone watch her make pottery. Especially not me. I bug her.

John:
I doubt it.

Madison:
She doesn't even like me. She thinks I'm boring.

John:
I'm sure she loves you.

Madison:
She doesn't even want to eat dinner with me at night. If I'm in the house, she goes to her room and doesn't talk to me.

John:
Huh. All these years, I assumed she took you with her because she wanted you to herself. Not that I have abandonment issues or anything :-)

Madison:
I guess I remind her of Mr. Lukas or whatever.

John:
Wild guess here, but I'm thinking she put Mr. Lukas's name on your birth certificate to get a divorce. Dad's extremely conservative. If anyone were to divorce him, that'd be the way to get him to sign the decree.

Madison:
So I'm the price she paid. She's stuck with me now.

John:
I hope she doesn't see it that way.

Madison:
Well, maybe I really am boring and not that great to know.

John:
Okay, I am going to give you some advice. Don't read if you don't want to see it. Spend more time doing what you want to do and less time doing what other people want you to do, and you'll probably find you like your life better. I know, you hate advice.

Madison:
There isn't anything I like to do.

John:
Well, you might find out differently if you start making your decisions based on what you want.