Sharing Harper (22 page)

She’s absolutely stunning with her cascading soft blonde curls falling past her shoulders. I can only see her back but she’s dressed conservatively in shorts, a plain t-shirt and a pair of Van’s, but somehow it seems to emphasize her curves in all the right places. He doesn’t look up at the door when I enter, so I move into the corner and sit at a table behind the pillar staring at their interaction. I know I probably should go over there and he is just being friendly to a customer to get tips, but there is something about this interaction that I can’t seem to shake from my head.

I send a quick text to Skye to let her know I’ll be a bit.

Something is up. Be a while. Stay put.

I glance up at the counter hoping they haven’t noticed me yet. She is laughing moving her hands up on the counter and he turns around to stare at her, giving her the same look he gave me last night.

Fuck. I want to run away from here, run away from the reality that is a shit-storm I call life. Run away from every single man in this world because they all seem to be losers. Why can’t I ever catch a break?

I hear his voice now and glance back over at the counter. He’s moved from behind the counter and is now standing in front handing her a cup of what I can only assume is coffee.

His hands are around her shoulders, slowly circling them as if he was comforting her. They reach up to her face and he slowly moves his lips down and kisses her forehead. She proceeds to wrap her hands around his waist, embracing him in a hug.

My heart sinks watching such an intimate moment between two people. I desperately want to just curl up and start bawling my eyes out, knowing this piece of shit used me for all my worth. This is probably Evelyn, his wife! I want to scream at him and kick him. I cannot believe I could let myself become so vulnerable to a man I barley know. I can’t believe I bared my heart, my soul, my everything to find it on the floor broken in a million pieces.

I want to run away, far away from this place and it might just come down to that. From this day forward, I will promise to myself never to fall in love again, never be that vulnerable and naïve to let my heart open up only to be trampled on.

When I look back up I notice her lips on his. My mind goes black. Everything inside of me is raw with heat. The sadness that contained the hole in my heart is replaced by anger, frustration and overall pissed-off.

It
’s in that moment that I decide I have to do something before I just crack, before something inside of me breaks and I cannot hold myself up anymore. So, I get up from my seat, moving the chair loud enough to cause a huge ruckus and walk towards Ryder.

It felt like years were passing as I was approaching him, each step I took was heavy pulling my legs like they were attached with a ton of bricks. Almost methodically and mechanically, I went through the motions of anger.

When I was close enough he looked up and his face went pale. The color escaped and his mouth started to open to say something, but was interrupted by my hand. I raised it high to him and threw it across his cheek sending a loud slap penetrating through the air.

Everything went silent and I finally moved my head to look at the woman who was capturing the attention of a man I thought I was falling in love with. Her beauty was effortless with no makeup on, but looked like she could be walking down a runway. Her eyes were large and her lips were lush and she shared the same sparkling blue eyes that Ryder had. She resembled a blonde version of me, with lankier legs and a taller figure. I couldn’t deny i
t. She was beautiful--jaw dropping stunning.

I looked back at Ryder who was about to speak, but honestly wanted nothing to do with him. All I wanted right now was a bed and a pillow to crash on.

“Wait, Harper, your misunderstandin’,” his voice was low and commanding trying desperately to get my attention.

“Don’t. Seriously, don’t. I want nothing of this. Goodbye.”

I turned on my heel and walked out, not glancing once to look back at what I had left behind. With each step forward I took, I was moving on, away from all of this.

“Please Harper let me explain.” I heard him shout as footsteps started echoing behind me.

“Let her go,” came a female voice with the exact southern twang that Ryder had. Instantly, I knew she was someone from Ryder’s home. I had nothing on her. They had history and love. I was just something fun for Ryder, a play toy, but I meant nothing to him. Absolutely nothing.

I picked up the pace so he couldn’t catch up with me and saw the door to Skye’s car as I jumped into it almost landing flat on my face in the door.

“Drive me home,” I begged her as she motioned for her driver to take us back to where my apartment was.

“Are you okay?” she asked in a quiet voice as we spun away leaving Ryder standing in the doorway alone.

“I don’t want to talk about it Skye,” I huffed.

We sat in silence the entire ride home and as the driver pulled up to my complex I got out of the car with bags under my eyes wanting to shut myself out from the rest of the world.

“Call me tomorrow please,” Skye begged.

I waved her and walked into my apartment shutting the shades before I crashed on my bed sinking into a de
ep sleep, even though the sun was still shining outside.

My hands were clammy and my eyes were heavy with big dark bags protruding out from under them. My arms were sweating in the creases and there were small spots of blood along my cuticles from picking at them violently. My feet couldn’t move, but at the same time felt like they were swimming in water. I had lost all control of my limbs as they moved freely around me unable to make any sense.

“I love you. I just love you so much, why can’t you understand that?”

I turned to look at the boy in the corner who was hunched over with his hands covering his face. There was blood pouring out from my left shoulder blade, but when I went to touch it, I felt nothing just a metallic slimy river of oozing blood that was cascading from my wound.

The boy in the corner was scared but there wasn’t a monster inside of him, he was broken and unsure of how to communicate himself with others. I knew I could save him or at least I swore I could.

I tried to move my legs from out under me, but they were frozen in place so I crawled out of bed on the speckled and stained floor. When I got over to him, my blood falling into his lap, he kissed my wound taking in some of the blood in his mouth.

“Please stop crying,” I pleaded trying to move his hands away from his face, but they were far too strong to do anything with. “Please stop,” I begged.

“I just love you so much, you don’t understand how much I love you. I wouldn
’t do anything to ever hurt you,” He pleaded through a wall of tears flooding his face.

“It’s okay. It will all be over
soon. It will all be over soon,” I repeated. My hand caressing his cheek repeating the same phrase over and over again that I eventually started to believe it myself. It will all be over very soon.

***

I sucked in a deep breath of air and my eyes shifted opening examining the room around me. I wasn’t in Tye’s room and there was no blood around me. I had scratches up and down my arm from my nightmare, but there was no blood. My hands were trembling beneath me and I turned over to glance at the clock. When I realized it was only five in the morning, I sighed thanking myself that I hadn’t actually been with Tye.

“It will be okay Harper Mae. You are a strong and independent woman. You can do this.” I sighed knowing that with the pain of Ryder leaving my nightmares was coming back full force. It would take years to push them back into the deep depths of my mind, ignoring them.

I turned to look at my phone, which was vibrating like crazy, knowing that Skye was pissed that I hadn’t called her. When I realized I had ten text messages and numerous missed calls they all were from Ryder, desperately trying to explain himself.

Mental note to myself: change telephone number tomorrow. The only way I was going to move on from all of this was to move. I would have to transfer my credits elsewhere and I would miss Skye, but I couldn’t stay in this town anymore. There were too many ghosts here for me to survive.

I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit in this town knowing that I exposed myself to a man who is already involved with someone else. Numbness started creeping back up on me, and I felt very emotionless in all of this, which was good. It meant that finally, I would be able to move on from Ryder, from Tye, from the stupidity of letting myself fall in love.

Shit. Did I say I was in love? No Harper, don’t think about it. It wasn’t love. It was some idiotic feeling that you fooled yourself into thinking was love. It was nothing more than just

I flipped the phone open to read the texts and they all were embellished with the same sort of sayings.

I am so sorry, it
’s not what it looks like.

I am coming to see you tomorrow. I need to explain myself.

Harper, I swear to you it’s not what it appears.

Please.

I can’t do this without you Harper.

There were several more, but I couldn’t bring myself to read any. I grabbed my workout clothes making a mental note of how I was going to pack up my stuff in the closet. It would have to be done sometime this week, but I have always wanted to go to Seattle, so I think I have a general direction in my mind.

I grabbed my water bottle and my gym shoes and hit the pavement letting the pounding of the cement drag me for miles. I appreciated the methodical movements of running. It was simple, there was nothing to it and it could be done anywhere in the world. Just like me, I could be a chameleon in a different place, but this time promising that I could never meet a man who would let me move.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Skye’s wedding. I was suppose
d to be here to plan it.

I pounded the pavement harder, moving faster, the sweat penetrating down my back.

I was going to be a terrible friend and bridesmaid, but I had to leave. Maybe I could come back for the wedding. Yes, I would have to come back for the wedding.

My feet moved swift under me as my legs moved forward lunging the rest of my body with.

Crap. Rita. I would have to tell Rita I was quitting, moving on, but she was going to know something was wrong. I couldn’t do this to Rita.

My breath quickened as my heart rate rose. The beating of my heart were throbbing through my chest as if my ribs felt like they were going to explode.

The sun was starting to shine through the horizon as the early morning commuters began to rise and get ready for work. My legs escaped from out under me and I fell on the pavement, scraping my knees pretty badly.

I sat down letting my heart rate fall noticing the scratches were just supe
rficial. I took one deep breath in, looking at the city around me in the horizon. A place I called home for three years was no longer home to me anymore. There was too much heartbreak and headaches involved. I had to get out. I had to run away.

I managed to get up with the help of a passerby and made my way home realizing I had probably run only a couple miles. Thank goodness for not being a determined runner because I would be cursing myself if I had gotten any further.

When I finally reached my apartment, I jumped in the shower letting the cold-water escape from under me the numbness seeping into my pores, knowing nothing but running now. Running away would be my life now; nothing else mattered.

It was all I knew. My parents ran away from me
, abandoning me when they realized what a horrible child I was. Tye had run away from me, ratting on me to the police. I had run away from myself when I let these men into my lives as they took over abusing me emotionally and physically, taking my well being with them.

Fuck this.

After my shower, I collapsed back on the bed until I had to get to Rita’s.

***

When I woke up again, the early morning felt like a blur and there was a tinge of sadness that swept its way through the rest of my body. Knowing that I would have to tell Rita I was quitting wasn’t actually the easiest thing I had to do. I decided to look nice and hopefully she would look past the fact I was moving on and lying to her. I gathered my things and left my apartment looking back one last time, knowing in a few days I would be packed up and gone, dreading the day I had to tell Skye I was leaving hoping I could just do it in a note or something.

When I pulled up to Rita’s I glanced at the sea lions that were sending their squeaks to each other across the rocks. I looked at their playful attitudes, diving in and out of the water with each other, teasing. It was jealously that cre
pt up past me, knowing that their innocence was something I completely envied.

I opened the backdoor to Rita’s shop and saw her sitting at the cash register in a long beige dress that mimicked a muumuu. I pulled my sunglasses over the top of my head and bravely walked towards her.

“Hey Rita!” I cheered in the fakest voice I could possibly muster.

“What’s wrong?” was her immediate answer knowing that the overly bubbly voice I had tried to portray really belonged to someone like Skye and not myself.