Sharing Harper (13 page)

He started to interrupt me as I spoke but I quickly hushed him and continued, “The last two times I’ve been with you, I have had to deal with memories of my past; memories of things you cannot fathom could ever happen to a person. I am not who you think I am Ryder. I am a vulnerable person who falls into whatever som
eone is telling and in the past I became someone I am not proud of, someone I never want to become again.”

“If you want to do
something to benefit my sanity you’ll leave. You’ll walk away and never look back.”

“I can walk away from you Harper, I can leave you for good and never speak to you again, but I will never ever forget you. You will haunt my dreams and be the center of all my thoughts. So it’s not worth it, I’m here to stay and I’ll be by your side this entire journey we take…together.”

“Aren’t you scared? Look at me. I am dragging my fingernails across my wrists ripping my skin apart because of these nightmares.”

“Nothing scares me about you Harper. I told you this before; there is something deep down inside of you waiting to come out. I want to be there when you want to tell your story. I want to be the one to listen to it and help you through whatever mess it is that happened in your past.”

I shuffled with my fingers, messing up the polish knowing that Skye would have a heart attack if she knew I ruined my manicure.

I needed him here with me. I craved the comfort he provided and yearned the moments where I was weak and just wanted to cuddle with him. As much as it pained me to say, I needed Ryder now, more than ever.

“Just…stay…with me,” I said breathlessly and curled up next to him in the crook of his neck. His body was emitting a warm comfortable heat and I made a mental note that his arms were muscular enough to support my head without being uncomfortable or falling asleep oddly. I curled up with my back against his chest and he wrapped his arms tightly around me.

Suddenly, I heard a sweet melodic tone coming from him. A gentle lullaby being hummed so effortlessly and quietly as he raked his hands gently through my hair. It was as if he was rocking me to sleep and telling me that everything in the world would be right again. All at once, darkness engulfed my mind and sleep crept towards me. I was erased by the night and
fell asleep quietly in his arms, not waking once.

***

Once the morning started peeping through the holes in the curtains of my room, my eyes awoke frantically searching for Ryder, begging him to leave because the consequences of last night were emotionally and physically draining. My arms felt loose like Jell-O and my wrists were still red and puffy from the areas where I scratched them. My legs felt tight and the muscles were contracting, which was painful to walk on. However, the worst thing about the morning was the pounding headache that I woke up with. It felt like tiny little men in my head banging on the sides to get out.

I wanted to beg him to leave so that I wouldn’t be forced to wake up to another morning feeling this drained. My heart, figuratively, felt heavy. I was filled to the top with emotions and sadness. It felt as
though my heart was full and was about to tip over and spill the depression that seeped into my soul.

Fortunately, Ryder was not in bed next to me when I finally oriented my
self to the morning. Once again, he left the morning after a night of hurt and pain. He was probably scared or completely freaked out by the display of crazy he saw last night.

I got out of bed to check the living room, but found it stark clean with the sheets folded on the couch and the pillows in stacked next to it. Quickly, I remembered last time this happened, so I checked the kitchen fridge to see if there was a note on the door. Alas, I found a small pink note from my notepad I had laying on my desk with small cursive writing that very clearly resembled a man’s handwriting.

Harper,

I didn’t leave because I was scared, I left because Evelyn needed me. I plan on taking you out on a proper date tonight. I know you don’t have work so don’t even use that excuse on me (Rita told me). We are going out to a proper restaurant with white linens, so please dress appropriately. Use this to help pick out an outfit. I’m sorry I don’t have the time today to help you pick something out, but you would be beautiful in a garbage bag for all I care.

I am so excited to see you.

7:00pm

Ryder

Next to the note was three one-hundred dollar bills folded together. I wasn’t sure if I should be offended at this grand gesture or if I should take it as is. I decided that I should call Skye
because I wanted to talk to her about last night and even more so because she hated when men paid for her as well,so she would know what I should do with this. Not to mention she is always down for a good shopping trip.

I whipped out my phone from my room while throwing a pair of slim jeans over my hips and a v-neck t
ee.

“Ohmigod! Harper Mae! You slut!”

“What are you talking about Skye?”

“I am standing outside your house this morning at like 9am and I see this beautiful man walking out. So here I am thinking to myself that you’re a little slut because I really am rooting for Team Ryder and then I recognize the beautiful black hair and chiseled face and guess what I realize
d?” Before I had a chance to even respond she says, “It’s freaking Ryder!”

Her voice is a clear syllable higher when she pronounced Ryder
, as if she is sincerely giddy with joy about her detective skills.

“Well, about that….it
’s a long story. Want to come over?”

“I’m at your door silly, I told you I was here.”

Shit, what time was it? I glanced at the clock and realized it was only 9:45. That must have meant Ryder had snuck out right before I woke up. There was a part of me that really wished I had woken up a few hours early and cherished those sweet moments with him. Maybe he had to go to work, but what would Evelyn have to do with that?

It was decided. Tonight
I would have to ask him about Evelyn, but then again how would I like it if he asked me about my past? How would I even begin to explain my story to him? I left home with a trust fund and one person that believed in me? I left home after being forced out of the family by my own parents? I left home because I had a record?

That would be some dinner conversation.

There was a loud bang on the door and I realized that Skye was here. When I opened up, she donned two iced coffees and her blonde hair was pulled back in a sleek ponytail. She was pretending to do the oh-excuse-me-I-just-got-out-of-bed look, but she looked presumptuously stunning and had a full face of makeup on so there was no way she just simply rolled out of bed.

“Good morning sunshine!” She barreled into my apartment shoving herself on the couch but not before noticing the extra blankets and pillows still stacked on the table.

“Oh please tell me he wasn’t sleeping on the couch? What is wrong with you?”

“He didn’t, well I mean he kind of did. It’s a long story and I really need to talk to you about it…seriously.”

Skye was awesome, but sometimes she didn’t understand when the conversation needed to be shifted into something more serious. She took life very light-hearted and most of the time the conversation was centered around her. Although I appreciated her and never really had much to add to the conversation, at times I just needed to talk about myself. Sometimes I desperately needed to ask for advice and she only understood if I laid it out specifically for her to understand.

“Oh.” Her voice was laden with concern. “Okay, what’s wrong? Now, I am worried.”

And so I began. I told her everything that happened last night from Ryder showing up at Rita’s to the amazing sex we had on the beach and then lightly discussed the terrible nightmare I had.

“What was the nightmare about?” Skye inquired with notable concern laden in her tone.

“Just stuff I went through in the past.”

“You’re talking about stuff with your parents right?”

“Yeah, that kind of stuff,” I responded while awkwardly shifting around the loud leather couch that made a funny squeaking noise when you moved too quickly.

“You know,” she began, “eventual
ly you’re going to have to tell someone about that kind of stuff. I have known you for almost three years now and you have told me nothing except that you were cut off from your parents and that your grandpa supports you. I have no idea what happened when you were in Chicago, but I know whatever it was, wasn’t pretty.”

She continued with a look of concern and true care for me, “Harper, I see you
as a sister. I wouldn’t be here without you. You know what I go through every day with my obnoxious parents and how I cannot stand my mother. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t even know you and so I don’t ask because I hope that someday you’ll feel free enough from the chains that are holding you back to tell me. I know you pretend like everything is just fine with you but I can see past that. You use men because you are trying to find your escape.”

Tears rolled down my face and I felt so bad for Skye. I tre
ated her like a terrible friend--never opening up or letting her in. I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to let her in. She reminded me of my relationship with Ryder. I wanted to let Ryder in, just like I wanted to let Skye in, but the difference was that I felt compelled almost to tell Ryder my life. With Skye, it would be too hard to tell her everything about myself; with Ryder it was different.

“Basically, what I am telling you,” Skye continued, “is that I know I am not the person you’re going to start opening up to. I
hear how you describe Ryder and how he saved you from that man at the club. I saw the way he looked when he left this apartment this morning: miserable, disheveled and confused. You need to let him in Harper; he may be your only saving grace. Ryder is going to affect your life in such an epic way, you won’t understand it, but I just know he will. Hey, you have already seen him more than once right?” She tried to joke.

“I’m scared Skye. I am completely and tota
lly scared that if I let him in he is going to rip out everything I have kept so guarded. I am scared that if I let him in that he is going to walk away with my secrets. I am scared that he isn’t prepared to deal with me and that I am not prepared to deal with what I am going to encounter.”

“You are a beautiful
and strong woman Harper. You were able to leave everything that was holding you back in Chicago and come here. As it stands, that is something that most people wouldn’t be able to do. I am so proud of you for that. It’s okay to be scared, just don’t let that stop you from reaching your happiness.”

She was right. He was affecting my life in some epic way. He had already witnessed a glimpse into my past and was still here to prove that he wanted to stick around. I was starting to feel something for him. Yes, I was scared shitless of what I was feeling, but I couldn’t deny that there was something there. I needed to explore that. I needed to explore hi
m. When we had sex on the beach it was much more than just a one-night stand. We were making love. I had already made love to him on the dance floor without knowing it and then again on the beach.

As much as I tried to convince myself he was nothing but sex to me, I was lying. Even my best friend
could see that Ryder had such a powerful impact on me. I was hesitant to fall for him but maybe Ryder was someone who was always going to impact my life in such a powerful way. Maybe Ryder was destined to be the one to help me through the nightmares of my past. While I was scared and frightened a part of me was excited to finally have the potential to be relieved of the pain and suffering.

“I have something
else to tell you then,” I continued by showing her the note that Ryder had left in my kitchen and the obscene amount of money he had folded next to it.

“I’m not sure what to do with it. I feel like its drug money or something because how else does someone who works at a coffee shop have this kind of money?”

“Maybe Evelyn is like his super rich sugar-mom?” Skye joked and just like that she was back to her regularly light demeanor and I knew the conversation we just had was quickly fading; however, I wasn’t able to forget what Skye had said about moving on and actually being strong. It made me think about whether or not what I did was something that I should be proud of instead of shoving it back in my past.

“You’re crazy! He can
’t have a sugar mamma can he?” I asked Skye with hesitation that threatened my voice.

“I mean, you never know. But
the fact he is taking you out tonight means that he is interested in you.”

“So, what should I do with this?” I asked and waved the three hundred-dollar bills in the air.

“Spend it? I don’t know what do you think. I’d say if he wants you to spend it on a dress then do that, but whatever you don’t spend return to him.”

“I just feel
like a prostitute or something if I spend it,” I said feeling as if I was being pulled in two different positions. On one end, I could spend the money on a new dress and hair to look beautiful for tonight. I mean he did give me the money for a reason. On the other hand, I could be the better person and just use one of my old dresses. But, I wanted something new and fresh for him so it didn’t have anything attached to anyone else but him. I wanted to show him a side of myself that no one has ever seen so I might as well wear something new that doesn’t have tainted memories attached to it.