Shameless (29 page)

“I’m not the jerk you think I am.” He smiled. “I meant what I said; I think you’re amazing. You’re beautiful, smart, compassionate, sexy, and independent. Hell, it’s obvious why Trey’s never been able to get over you. He may have women throwing themselves at him every night, but women like you only come along once in a lifetime.”

She knew it must be the pregnancy hormones to blame for the tears welling up in her eyes again. It couldn’t be the kind words of a man she’d believed hated her for almost half of her life. She wouldn’t allow herself to admit that his acceptance was important to her. “Thanks, Luc.”

He shrugged. “You know me; I call it like I see it.”

She grimaced. “You certainly do.”

“Sierra, I know I may have made your life miserable while you and Trey were married and I will apologize for that, but it was my job to try to protect him.”

“You were trying to protect him from me?”

“From you, from himself… I don’t know.” He looked down at his clasped hands. “Trey has probably mentioned the fact that my parents are divorced?”

“Yes.”

“He may not have told you all the gory details.” He covered his face with his hands and rubbed his eyes. “It was nasty. Not just the divorce, but the entire marriage.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I thought it might help you to understand why I feel the way I do about you.”

He had definitely piqued her curiosity. She had been trying to unravel that mystery forever. “Go on.”

“My father was a politician. My mother knew about his political aspirations when she met him. As time went on, she began to resent the time away from home, the travel, the parties, the socializing to further his career.”

“Sounds familiar,” she said.

“She knew who he was when she married him, but she still resented him because of it. She made his life miserable. She’d get drunk and humiliate him at parties and the fights when they got home could last all night. This went on for years because he felt the need to keep up appearances and I think she just enjoyed humiliating him to punish him for not being there for her.”

“You think I came to resent Trey’s career even though I knew how important it was to him when we got married?” she asked, afraid to consider the possibility he may be right.

“Sierra, Trey is one of the most gifted musicians I’ve ever met. He’s passionate about making music and sharing that music with his fans. It’s more than what he does; it’s who he is.”

She couldn’t deny Luc was right. “I know that.”

“Do you really?”

She felt her ire rising and she had to admit the truth hurt. “What are you getting at?”

“Ever since I met you and Trey, he’s been trying to balance his love of music with his love for you. Why should he have to choose?”

“I never said he had to.”

“Really? Are you telling me you never made him feel guilty for touring, spending days holed up in his studio, going to parties, or spending time away from home to build his career?”

“I never meant to,” she said, quietly.

“I believe you never meant to, but you did, whether you realized it or not,” he said. “What if Trey asked you to choose between him and your career? How would that make you feel?”

Her heart ached at the thought of having to choose between the two loves of her life, but she knew Trey would never ask her to make such an impossible choice. Yet that’s exactly what she was asking him to do.

“I get it now, Luc,” she said, sighing. “I understand why you can’t stand me.”

He chuckled. “I promise you that’s not the case, Sierra. I’m just looking out for my buddy. I don’t want you guys to make the same mistake twice.” He stood and opened his arms to her.

She stood, stepping into his arms as she laid her head on his shoulder. “Thanks, Luc. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

He kissed the top of her head. “Good, I’m glad.”

She looked up at him. “Now about you and Marisa...”

He laughed. “Don’t even go there, sweetheart.”

Sierra followed Luc inside and her stomach lurched when she realized the house was eerily quiet. Everyone had gone home and Trey was nowhere in sight. “I wonder where he went.” She looked up at Luc. “You don’t think...” She couldn’t even say the words aloud. If her actions had cost him his hard won sobriety, she would never forgive herself.

Luc shook his head as he slipped his blazer off her shoulders and put it on. “No, if I know Trey, there’s only one place he’d think of going right now.”

They looked at each other and spoke at the same time. “His studio.”

His studio was his safe zone, his music his salvation. Why had it taken her so long to realize she had been forcing him to make an impossible choice? She prayed it wasn’t too late to make things right.

“You want me to walk you down there before I leave?” Luc asked, walking with her toward the front door.

“No, thanks. I need a minute to get my thoughts together.” She grabbed his arm. “Luc, I want to thank you for everything you said tonight. It wasn’t easy to hear, but it was necessary if Trey and I are going to have a chance at making it work this time.”

He smiled. “I have no doubt you and Trey will make it work. What you guys have comes along once in a lifetime, if you’re lucky. I know you wouldn’t let that slip away again.”

She stepped up to kiss his cheek. “You’re right. Whatever it takes, we’ll make it work. Thanks, Luc.”

He grinned. “Just doin’ my duty, ma’am.”

She smiled as she watched him descend the steps to his car. A sense of peace settled over her as she realized she finally understood why she and Trey had struggled in the past and what she needed to do to ensure their relationship would last this time. She just hoped it wasn’t too late to make amends.

Trey strummed his acoustic guitar, letting the sweet sound wash over him. It was a new song, one that captured his angst over his relationship with Sierra. He was struggling with the decision to put it on the album, even though Luc was sure it would be a number one hit. It was too personal, made him feel too vulnerable, too exposed. He realized it may be a moot point now. He may have to choose between his career and his fiancé. There was no choice; he could live without music, but he couldn’t live without her and their baby.

He closed his eyes and recited the words from memory.

I lie awake at night tortured by thoughts of you,

Asking myself where did I go wrong, what did I do?

How did I go from having it all, to lying here alone,

When all I want is to reach over and pick up the phone.

I ache to feel your arms around me, making me feel strong,

Telling me you love me, you have all along.

I know I’ve made mistakes, left when I should have stayed,

But I’ve paid the price. Lord knows how I’ve paid.

I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking you to take me back,

Help me heal this broken heart, ‘cause I need you, baby, that’s a fact.

I know it makes me weak to admit I can’t live without you,

But I don’t give a damn what people think ‘cause I know it’s true.  

You have my heart in your hands, now you must decide,

Will you let our love live or has it already died?

Baby, just tell me, ‘cause I can’t stand this holding on,

Lying here night after night, bringing in the dawn.

I ache to feel your arms around me, making me feel strong,

Telling me you love me, you have all along.

I know I’ve made mistakes, left when I should have stayed.

But I’ve paid the price. Lord knows how I have paid.

You have to tell me now, what’s it gonna be,

Will you hold onto my heart, or will you set it free?

Do you love me still, or do you have to let me go?

Either way, please tell me, I have to know.

I can’t go on this way, barely surviving day by day,

So it’s time to tell me now, will you go or will you stay?

I won’t blame you if your answer is no,

I’ve given you too many reasons to go.

I ache to feel your arms around me, making me feel strong,

Telling me you love me, you have all along.

I know I’ve made mistakes, left when I should have stayed.

But I’ve paid the price. Lord knows how I’ve paid.

Baby, could you find it in your heart,

To grant us that fresh new start?

To forget and forgive the pain of those years,

Please, just let me hold you and wipe away those tears.

He took a deep breath, fighting the tidal wave of emotion coursing through him. He had recovered his ability to write music, but it was a double-edged sword that cut deep. He could release all of the emotions he had been hiding from for years, but it meant having to face them in the bright light of day and admit he was flawed. Admit it to himself, his fans, but most importantly to Sierra.

“That was beautiful,” she whispered. She stepped further into the room.

He had been so caught up in the music, he hadn’t heard or felt her presence. He wasn’t sure whether she would show up at all. She had left him before and he couldn’t be sure she wouldn’t leave again. He hated living with the fear, the never-ending doubts, and the insecurity. He was used to being strong, fearless, in control. But this little bit of a woman brought him to his knees, making him beg for mercy every time he thought about the possibility of losing her.

He turned toward her, afraid of what he might see in her eyes. “I told everyone about the baby. I hope you don’t mind.”

She shook her head and stroked her flat stomach. “I don’t mind. How did they react?”

He thought of their tears, their elation, and smiled. “They were happy for us.”

“I’m glad.” She came over and claimed the stool beside him. “I had a nice talk with Luc.”

He had to get out of the house or risk knocking his best friend’s teeth out. He knew Luc was just looking out for him, but if his words had caused Sierra to reconsider their marriage, he would never forgive him.

“What did he have to say?” He refused to look at her, strumming his guitar instead.

She reached over and stilled his hand, forcing him to look her in the eye. “He made me realize how wrong I was, Trey.”

Here it comes
, he thought.
This is the part where she tells me she was wrong to accept my proposal, wrong to think we could have a life together again
. He tried to steel his broken heart against the beating it was about to take, but it was no use. It was already too battered.

“He made me realize that I was asking you to make an impossible choice. I was forcing you to choose between me and your music.”

“There is no choice,” he said simply. “I want you and the baby you’re carrying. That’s all that matters to me.” He set his guitar down at his feet. “If I never pick it up again, I’m okay with that, as long as I have you and our baby.”

She slid off the stool and stood between his thighs. “Do you have any idea how much I love you? How much it means to me that you would be willing to make that kind of sacrifice for me, for us?”